THEODOSIUS WAS NOT SURE WHETHER HE WAS DEAD OR ALIVE, and he had not been sure for some time. He had noodled on this conundrum at intervals during his stay on Earth—certainly being eaten by a demoness had caused him to be "dead?" But then he had made the deal with Stan and had been sent back up to a mortal plane, so did that classify him as "alive?"

It was all very complicated.

As he sat in an uncomfortable chair in an uncomfortable lobby, Theo mused some more on this uncomfortable question, frowning down at the paperwork he was trying to complete. He pondered for a good five minutes before he finally made a selection.

"I didn't have to fill out a Traveler Information Form when I went to Hell," he muttered, moving on to the next question.

"You weren't traveling, idiot," Bihatra said. She was completing her own information form, and she seemed to be having less trouble with it. "Anyway, only some of the alternate realms require them. Hell has its own version, although you don't need one if you're coming on a permanent basis—it's not like they're going to reject you. We aren't picky."

"Is Stan going to be in there when we arrive?" Theo asked, chewing on the end of his pencil as he considered the next question.

"Normally, he delegates prosecution of Souls in judgment to lesser demonic entities, but this is one I'm sure he won't want to miss." Bihatra had finished her Traveler Information Form and now rested back against the uncushioned chair, giving Theo an impatient glance.

"Hurry up already," Bihatra snapped.

"I just finished, I think," Theo said. "It says I need to read the information on the ba—"

Bihatra snatched his Traveler's Information Form out of his hand and jerked her head. Now that they were no longer on Earth, she had reassumed her natural form: tall, dark, and terrifying. She sauntered toward the security desk at the far end of the lobby. Theo trailed behind, with Elliott trotting at his heels.

***

THE HALL OF JUDGMENT WAS ALTOGETHER TOO BRIGHT AND GLOWY TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS A COURT OF LAW, heavenly or otherwise, in Theo's opinion.

It was a vast chamber—if it could be called a chamber—with a ceiling, walls, and floor made entirely of brilliantly white clouds. At the far right side of the chamber, from Theo's vantage point, was a dark and shadowed doorway with a familiar sign posted above it: ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE. At the door stood two demons, one of them stifling a yawn with a clawed hand. On the far left side of the chamber was a pair of opalescent gates. Next to these stood two angels in pure white robes. One of them was reading People.

The Celestial Judge who presided over the Hall gave an impression of legitimacy to the proceedings, though—probably due to the size and intricacy of the hat it wore. It was seated in a big chair behind a very official-looking bench, and, looking at the Celestial Judge's no-nonsense expression, Theo was almost glad he had never been afforded the right of due process after his death.

Theo and Bihatra had been permitted into the Hall with instructions to seat themselves, because Paula Wolfe's hearing was up next. They walked down a narrow aisle; on either side, a wide array of people and beings were seated on fluffy banks of clouds, some of them conversing in low tones. Theo and Bihatra chose seats in the second row, and Elliott leapt up beside Theo, sparing no more than a single derisive glance for his surroundings before applying his focus to a nap.

The Celestial Judge beckoned to a winged bailiff. "Next." The bailiff approached the bench and passed the Judge a scroll, which the Judge unfurled and skimmed. "Paula Wolfe?"

Creaking hinges sounded somewhere near at hand, and Theo turned in time to see part of a cloud swinging outward. From the passageway that opened came a pair of uniformed bailiffs escorting a transparent woman between them. The woman bore a striking resemblance to Patricia of Pinkleton.

As she was led to the front of the Hall of Judgment, Paula kept her head down, an expression of resignation on her face. The Judge sitting behind the bench frowned. "Wait a second," it said. "You look familiar."

"She should." A curl of black smoke appeared before the Judge's bench, and then an elegant man in a business suit and a tie was standing on the fluffy carpet of clouds. "Paula Wolfe crossed through this Hall not so very long ago, and you—" Here, the Devil accused the Celestial Judge with a pointed finger— "made a mockery of infernal justice by ignoring the claim I had on her Soul!"

"Ignoring?" The Judge narrowed its eyes at Stan and looked down at the scroll it was holding in four of its seventeen hands. "I didn't ignore anything. Ms. Wolfe had a very compelling case for salvation, and I saw no evidence whatsoever that Hell had a claim on her."

Stan narrowed his eyes right back at the Judge. He snapped his fingers, and a page of parchment appeared out of thin air. He held it out to the bailiff, who took it to the judge. "Are you telling me no one on the Damnation Board entered this into evidence?"

"I've never seen this before."

"That can't be right." Stan looked troubled. Theo was almost sympathetic; he had come here in a frenzy of righteous indignation, and now it seemed there had been some kind of a mix-up.

"Wait," the Judge said. "This Stamp of Temptation Certification is from 2001, but the Seal of Condemnation is from just two months ago."

"This is so embarrassing." With a sigh, the Devil pinched the bridge of his nose. "Your Honor, I apologize on behalf of myself and my staff. There must have been some kind of mix-up—it must have gotten shuffled into some backlogged paperwork and simply misplaced—"

The Judge waved a couple of its numerous arms. "It happens, Stan. The beauty of all this paperwork, eh?" The judge then leveled a thoughtful scowl at Paula, who stood between her escorts with her eyes on the cloudy floor. "Ms. Wolfe, you neglected to mention your deal with the Devil when first you passed through this celestial hall."

Paula shook her head. "I had rather hoped it was all a bad dream, to be honest, Your Honor."

"It says here that you arranged to sign over ownership of your immortal Soul upon the occasion of your death in exchange for a cure for your sister's aneurysm."

"What?" Theo whispered.

"Shh!" Bihatra shot him a frown.

"Well, Ms. Wolfe?" The Judge looked at Paula. "Do you have anything to add to your case?"

Paula shook her head. "'Fraid not, Your Honor. Except that it was worth it." She faintly smiled. "I even got one last laugh out of all of this...and Heaven was great while I was there."

With a sigh, the Judge picked up a gavel in one of its many arms and clacked it down on the bench. "Very well, then. I hereby sentence you to eternal damnation in accordance with the terms of your contract. Please take her away."

Paula's escorts guided her away from the bench, leading her toward the shadowed doorway to Hell at the far side of the Hall of Justice and handing her over there into the care of the demonic guards. Stan watched this, steepling his fingers with a triumphant, gloating smile.

When Paula had disappeared through the Mouth of Hell, Stan turned around, scanning the crowd until he saw Theo and Bihatra sitting somewhere near the back. He approached them as the Judge requested the next case.

"Well, Boss," Bihatra said, "I guess it worked."

"Swimmingly. She's not going to be the most exciting addition to Hell, but it is the principle of the thing. I shall have to pass some feedback along to the Condemnation Department to ensure this doesn't happen again." He looked curiously at Theo. "I don't suppose you are interested in a continued business relationship. I could put you on retainer."

Theo shook his head, feeling a little sick over what had happened to Paula. He hadn't known her arrangement with the Devil had been so selfless. But a deal was a deal, and Theo did not know how he could argue with the facts of the case, a Celestial Judge, and the literal Devil. "No...No thank you, sir. I've had about enough of necromancy, if you don't mind."

The Devil looked disappointed. "Very well. Come with me."

"Come on, Elliott," said Theo. As the Devil walked across the celestial courtroom toward the pearly gates at the far side, Theo and his cat followed. The mild intrusion of guilt over Paula's fate began to fade when Theo realized they were approaching the entryway to the plane of existence in which Tansy had lived for twenty five years. The feeling that took up residence in Theo's guts was something akin to the jitters he had felt the very first night he had met her—an uncomfortable, anxious, fluttery feeling.

"Murphy!" said Stan, extending a hand to the angel who had been, until that moment, absorbed in their magazine.

"...Stan?" Murphy's expression of confusion melted into surprise. They glanced down at the Devil's hand, but did not take it. "You look...different."

With a frown, the Devil lowered his hand. "Well, you have aged terribly for an immortal being."

Murphy scowled. "What do you want?"

Stan nodded toward Theo. "We're all done with the Paula business. It's time for you to pay the man."

Darting a slightly concerned glance toward Theo, Murphy rolled up their magazine and tucked it into an inner pocket of their robes. "Tansy Pemberton, right?"

"Tansy Pemberton," Theo affirmed. He wiped his sweaty palms on his dollar store gym shorts and drew a steadying breath.

Murphy shook their head. "I'm never getting sucked into a plot this convoluted again." And with that, they pushed open the Pearly Gates, and the brilliant light of Heaven shone out.