Fiona

When I get home, I know something is wrong. I just don't know what. My dad is in his usual spot in the family room. My sister is no where to be found. My mom is home, which isn't unusual.

I put on stuff down and walk into the kitchen. My mom is sitting at the table. She look like she's been waiting for me.

"Hey," I say and get a glass from the cabinet. I fill it with water and take a few sips. I lean against the counter and wait for her response. She just looks at me. I start to walk towards the door.

"Fiona," I turn to face her. "Come sit at the table,"

Her tone is serious. Like I've done something but I don't know what. I try to think. She doesn't talk to me unless I do something bad. She never asks me about my day, how school was or how my grades are. She just sits there and studies my face.

I break the silence. "Is this an intervention?" I say joking. If any one needs an intervention it's definitely Cally. I don't add this part.

"Who is that boy?" Her tone doesn't change. Nor does her face. I'm confused, then surprised, and then upset.  I let all these emotions show on my face. She repeats herself. "Who is that boy?" She raises her voice and says it like she's talking to a child. 

"What?" I can't believe that we're having this conversation. She never cared when Cally had a boyfriend.

"Did I stutter when I spoke?" 

"He's just a boy-"

"Don't give me that B.S." 

I don't understand what's going on. There is no way this is happening. "He's my boyfriend." I say is so quietly that I'm not sure she can hear me.

"Boyfriend?" She says it like its impossible that anyone can love me. "How old is this 'boyfriend?'"

"Sixteen! Why does it matter?"

"What's his name?"

"Ash," 

"What have you been doing with this boy?" I don't want to answer this question. It's none of her business. This thing between Ash and I is something that can't be put into words. This thing between us is, between us. I hang my head but she's not letting me get out of this one. "What have you been doing with this boy?"

"Nothing,"

"I heard you talking to him on the phone. I see when he drops you off." She leans closer to me and raises her voice. "Look at me." I relentlessly raise my head. "He doesn't love you." I glare at her. I start breathing really fast. I feel anger and resentment from the past years flood into me. 

"You know nothing."

"He's just using you."

"You know nothing!" I push my chair back in the wall. "You don't even talk to me. You don't know me. You don't even love me." I been waiting to say those word for the past 4 years. If this hurts her she doesn't let it show. She grabs my wrists.

"You can't see him anymore." I pull away from her.

"Why mom? Why? Why can't I be loved? Huh? Do you just exsist to watch me suffer?"

"I am your mother! You can't see him again!"

"What about when Callly had a boyfriend?"

"You always have to bring her into things!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult your favorite daughter." I say sarcastically.

"God! You don't even try to be better. You're shit at everything you do. Maybe I would love you more if you weren't such a good for nothing slut!"

The word rings throughout the house. Into every corner. It's spreads across my skin and into my pores. A part of me wanted to believe that I was wrong about my mother. That sentence, that word is all I need to know.

"You can't see him again." Her tone doesn't change. There is not a trace of a regret on her face.

"You're a bitch" I say and throw my glass of water to the floor. A tear runs down the side of my face. I wonder what my face looks like. Is it a mixture of sadness and anger or hurt and resentment?

When I get to the hallway that leads to my room, I see Cally. She stands there, frightened. Like she's done something wrong.

"I'm sorry." She puts her arm on my sholder.

"It's not your fault."

"I didn't mean for her to say that. I just was jealous and I- I'm sorry." She hangs her head. I gonna need her to say that again because I don't understand.

"What," I say. She is silent. "What!" I say and pull away from her. I understand now.

"Please don't be ma-"

"Don't tell me how to feel! I'm sick of everyone's shit!"

"Fiona-"

"You told her! You told her!"

"I didn't mean-"

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her," she takes pause and inhales. "I told her that he was using you."

"Why! You don't know me! You don't know him! Why do you hate me so much? Why can't I be happy!"

"Fiona I don't hate you." She says is so softly. I almost feel bad for her. Almost. "I just-I"

I exhale and it comes out in a sob. "What is wrong with you?" I manage to choke out.

"Fiona," I push past her and open the door to my room. "Fiona!"

I slam my door in reply. I fall onto the wooden floors of my room. Tears stream down my face. All I can hear is what my mom said to me. "You can't see him again."

Ash. How am I supposed to tell him. My heart hurts at the thought.

My phone buzzes on my bed. I flip it over.  And just as I feared, Ash is calling me. It rings three times before I answer it. 

"Fiona," his voice makes me want to cry and tears swell up in my throat. I can't talk. "Fiona?"

"Yeah," I'm certain he can hear the hurt in my voice.

"Fiona? Are you okay? What going on?" I sob but I cover my mouth with my hand to stifle it. "Are you crying?"

"Ash I-" I can't get the words out my mouth. It hurts.

"Fiona," his voice is concerned and sincere. "Do you need me to come over?"

"No!" I blurt out. "Don't come over anymore?"

"Why?" He sounds hurt. 

"I don't think we should go out anymore?" 

"What do you mean?" His voice raises.

"I mean that we should break up." 

"W-What? Fiona? Are we going to fast?" I hear his determination to fix this.

"No, I just can't explain it."

"Fiona,"

"I just can't anymore."

"You can't what?" I don't want to tell him. If I do, I know he won't let my mom get between us. If I don't, I'll break his heart.

"Ash,"

"You have to tell me what's going on."

"I can't. It's complicated."

"Fiona," he pauses "don't do this to me." His voice is the embodiment of pain. I don't answer. "Fiona?"

"Goodbye, Ash." I say trying hard not to sound upset. Trying hard not to break down and tell how much I need him right now.

"Fiona-" 

I hang up the phone. A sound escapes from my mouth. A sound I didn't know was there. I feel pain spread throughout my body. The source is my heart. I feels like I put my heart in my hand, made a fist and started to punch a wall. I am the Embodiment of Pain.