Hey guys, two more chapters after this one! Please excuse the jumping, i'm just trying to cover all the plot points. For all you concerned about how finnick fits in to all this, all i have to say is patience. i don't believe in immediate gratification. and with that note, happy reading!

47

Sunlight

"PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!"

I look down at the knife in my hand, covered in Finnick's blood. He's looking wide-eyed at me as he falls to his knees. "Please don't go," he begs, even as he dies by my hand.

"I should have given you a reason to stay," I tell him, casting down the knife. "I have to get rid of you. I can't remember you anymore. I can't think of you."

"Annie, please don't."

I fall down to my knees and take his face in my hands so that I can find his eyes. "But you're everywhere Fin. I can't eat. I can't sleep. You've been everywhere. It's killing me inside, you don't understand."

He shakes his head and then collapses with his head on my shoulder. I wrap my arms around him and cry.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But I can't keep doing this."

When I open my eyes, they have real tears in them. I'm staring at the palm leaf rooftop of my old house, before Pearl got married and I moved to Victor Village. still dark but everything glows a little. Like the sun is just about to rise.

This is the second time I've tried to kill my memories of Finnick in my dreams. It's not worked. And what's worst it's not even him in my memories. He doesn't look quite right, like he's behind a mask. There's no pictures of him, and my mind distorts him, so it's more and more like the memory of Finnick is slipping from me. And at the same time, clinging tighter to me with every strangling second.

My house in Victor's village was destroyed during the battle here, along with Finnick's. Our memories living together lay in heaps of ash on the sand, getting carried away with the tide. Stephen was sent to the outer districts to fight, but he hasn't returned. So it's just me, Echo, and Pearl. Besides Kai and Kiandra, everything's like it was. Except that we're older and sadder. They all live in Stephen's house while I live in the hut. And I'm pregnant.

It was my choice to live here, alone and by my beach. Everyone knows Finnick is dead. I guess it was put on a list of casualties. Which means everywhere I go, people are walking on eggshells. I don't want to be alone. But company, when it's not the company you want, makes you feel almost lonelier. As if nothing in the world can comfort you. Besides, I'd rather sleep here so that they won't be worried when they see me cry straight through the night. They already take care of me. They make me eat. Go on walks. Visit Lillian's hospital for vitamins for the baby. All sorts of things. But they never have to remind me to bathe. I'm always in the water, sitting in the shallows and letting the sandy waves lap over me. I find wetness to be a good cover for the constant stream of miserable tears. I almost prefer my hollow, shell of a self than all this torment all the time.

And the nightmares. They've gotten so much worse. If it's not of Finnick dying, it's of someone else dying or being tortured. I dream about my nights in the Capitol prison a lot. Sometimes I dream about coming home from the train and finding everything on fire and no sisters. I have nightmares about what happened to Stephen and Finnick's friends. But I haven't had a single good dream. Not one. They've been so vivid, so real, and yet the faces are distorted. I don't realize it until I awake, but it's like my mind doesn't let the ones I love to be represented correctly in my nightmares. As if it dishonors their memories to be part of my nightmares.

I sigh and get up with a little difficulty because of my swollen belly. I walk out until I'm on my seashell beach with the gray ocean rolling under the overcast clouds. The sun is rising on the edge of the horizon, casting its tangerine light in a squiggly line over the water. It's incredible how, even though the houses and square have mostly been destroyed, the ocean is just so magnificently constant. I walk straight into its folds until it goes over my head. I stretch out my arms and lift my feet so that I float weightlessly in the in-between.

Like flying.

My hair snakes around my face and arms like a dark cloud. I decide it's time for hair and breach, gasping as the cool air strikes my face. There's seagulls gliding lazily overhead and taking refuge on the water further out. I suck in a full breath and sink under again until my toes connect with the sand. I open my eyes and see the dark, slippery body of a shark circling right next to me. I freeze and watch as he haunts the empty blue space beside me, guided by his black orb eyes. It's a bull shark based off its stout nose and probably nine feet long. It's not abnormal to see a shark at dawn because it's their prime feeding time. And it's overcast, so they'll probably be out all day.

But this one is here. Now. And I'm extremely close. Not a single bubble of air escapes my mouth as we watch each other, the shark and I. There's a certain exhilaration in having something so powerful so close, and yet so terrifying. My lungs start to scream for air, but I'm too afraid to move. And even as he circles me for the last time and starts to swim away, I become more uneasy about the unknown. That at any moment, his gray figure would come charging out of the abyss and I'd have no way to defend myself. Or my baby.

So with careful, smooth strokes, I swim to the surface and paddle to shore, checking the water underneath every couple of strokes. When my feet connect with the beach, I fall to the sand in relief. A smile stretches over my face and I actually start laughing. My heart is thundering with the adrenaline.

Thud thud thud thud.

After I've calmed down and the sun has risen over the sea, I get changed and make my way to Pearl's house. It's received little damage besides a major luting during the chaos of battle. Pearl is standing in the kitchen next to a tray of rice and cut fruit.

"Troy's family came by," she said, "remember, the people Finnick cared for after you got out of your games?"

I nod.

Of course I do.

"Well they brought you this. That girl Marina Salts-the one in from the games-her family stopped by too and gave us a crib and some blankets. They're in the back when you need them. I asked if any of them wanted to stay and talk to you, but they said they couldn't. Too emotional."

I look at the food and force myself not to cry. Echo comes downstairs with Kiandra in her arms and Kai in tow behind her. She hugs me briefly and plants a kiss on my cheek, which I return. After I was kidnapped by the Capitol, Pearl and Echo had no idea where I was until my neighbors reported seeing me being led out by a bunch of peacekeepers. Since then they've been driven mad trying to figure out what happened to me, where I was, and with who. They didn't even know I was alive until they saw the wedding between Finnick and I on one of the propos. They said they were so happy they cried.

We eat the food in comfortable silence, except for Kai who has a tendency to hum when he eats.

"He gets that from you," Pearl says to me, "You were always humming as a kid."

I remember that Troy told me I hummed at our camp and tears comes involuntarily to my eyes. No one says anything because I'm always crying. But to trump any concern about my welfare, I take an extra helping of food.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Later on in the day I'm sitting outside Pearl's house when Finnick's mother comes walking up the beach. I'm so surprised to see her face, and Finnick's in her features, that I actually choke on my water. Her hair is mangled and bronze and I can see the green in her eyes from my distance. She looks so tired and thin.

"Annie?" she calls out, spotting me. I give her a small wave and then she's rushing for me. "Annie! Oh, thank heavens. I heard that you came back."

She's on her knees in front of me and then her tired wet eyes fall from my face to my stomach and grow wide with shock. Her face twists up in emotion and her hand reaches up, gently resting her fingertips over the curve.

"Is this..." her voice dies away as she looks at me, her eyes filled with tears.

"It's his."

She sobs and places both hands on either side of my stomach and gently rests her forehead against it. I pat her head comfortingly, though I have no soothing words for her. I haven't felt encouraging in a long time.

"At least there's a part of him left in this world," she says finally, smiling sadly up at me. "We can hold on to that, can't we?"

"Sure," I say, though I don't feel the same.

"Oh, Annie, I'm so sorry. For everything's that has happened to you...I just-"

"It's okay," I say flatly, because I don't want to cry in front of Finnick's mother. "There are others out there who've gone through worse, I'm sure."

"Not many," she says in earnest. We look at each other for a while until I have to look away, because he's in her eyes. And it hurts to see.

"You'll let me stay, won't you?" she asks desperately, after some time. "I'm working with Team 7 to rebuild the area, so I'll be close. You'll let me be part of the baby's life, won't you?" I blink back at her and she takes my hand. "Please. Annie, I'm begging you. I have no one left."

I give her the warmest smile I can paint on and nod, "Of course you can."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

I'm dreaming. I know I'm dreaming. Everything's dark and there's something I'm reaching for. Something wonderful. Something blissful. But I can't find it. It's a dark abyss that has no corners, light, or ending. But still I'm searching for it. Lunging for it. Screaming for it.

And when I open my eyes, I find my arms stretched out on the bed, searching to embrace Finnick's warm body. But they're empty. I'm reaching, but there's just the empty place on the mat where he should be beside me. My heart aches and I recoil my arms into my chest and close my eyes, allowing a tear to roll down onto my pillow.

What I wouldn't give for just a piece of him back in my life. Just a morsel, a fragment of what our lives used to be. I don't care what it is, or what it isn't. I just want to reach out and touch him again. He could be a complete hallucination for all I care, as long as he's here.

But he's not, Annie.

I freeze in shock, because there's suddenly a small kick from within me. The baby is moving, drumming with life. My hand rests on my stomach and I feel it kick again. All my resentment for the baby washes away, and a new feeling of determination replaces it.

Pull it together.

There's no way this child could ever replace Finnick. But this pathetic mess of a girl will not do. Finnick would have been an excellent father, so I'm just going to have to try to be more like how he would be.

Starting with getting this shack repaired.

And when I get to work, collecting sea shells to decorate the crib and fixing cracks in the walls, my nightmares accompany me, bloody and terrifying. Even Mags haunts me. But I keep my eyes from them and bury myself in the work. The shells are my favorite part. And one day, when I'm accompanied by Troy, I'm working on the windowsill when I hear him say; "Annie. You're humming."

And I am. I touch my lips with my hand and realize that I don't remember when I even started the song. After that I couldn't start up again, not by choice. But every once and a while, I'll catch myself. And it always makes me a little happy to know that at least after all this there's still music in me, however sad, completely unchanged by all the war and destruction. Just like the ocean.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Word is put out that there is to be a memorial in each district to honor the fallen tributes. Each district will be provided with a statue to serve as a reminder of their sacrifice, and the hope though reform that the new world has in store. It's the day of District Four's memorial, in the early morning.

I'm dressed in my cleanest frock and combed through my hair. I meet Beetee and Plutarch in the square as they get off the train.

"It's nice to see you again," I say, giving each of them an awkward hug. My stomach has gotten quite large.

"And more so you," Beetee replies, his glasses glinting in the sun. "What a lovely district you inhabit, Annie. The ocean is stunning."

"Thank you," I say, noting how hollow my voice is.

Can I really handle this?

"And look at that stomach!" Plutarch adds with enthusiasm, "You must be due quite soon?"

"Yes, that's what they tell me." They smile kindly and I take a deep breath. "Shall I show you around?"

"Oh, we'd love to take a look at the ocean," they tell me, but they can't stay long. They have to help set up for the service. So after a quick walk on the beach, they are off and I'm gathering in the square with my family and everyone left in our district.

What a weathered lot we all turned out to be.

There's black banners hung on the ruins of the Capitol Building and various other buildings that make up the square. A nearby ship fires three canons to start out the ceremony, they're cracks echoing over the water and land. Echo takes my hand as my face goes white, remembering the canons as the sound of death. Of the end of someone's life.

"It's okay Annie, you're right here. At District Four. In the square," she whispers to me. I force myself to look around and confirm that it's true. There are so many people, and yet not nearly as much as there used to be. And they all look like they've seen a thousand years.

Paylor is here and is speaking about the loss of everyone's lives to the Hunger Games. Then I hear my name.

"Annie, would you like to come up here for us?"

I feel like I'm eighteen again, having my name called for the games. My heart jerks up and I see Beetee whispering something in her ear, but she waves him off. She finds me in the crowd and gives me an encouraging smile.

"You don't have to go," Pearl tells me. My eyes are locked on Paylor's. The crowd parts into an aisle for me to make my way to the stairs. Everyone's looking at me. But this time, even when my feet hesitate, no one comes to grab my arms. No one's screaming. I do look for Finnick for a moment, but of course I know he's not there. I place my hand protectively on my stomach and, with my chin raised; I make my way to the stage and stand up in front of the crowd. Paylor smiles with triumph and shakes my hand. Beetee and Plutarch stand beside me. My palms are facing out, like a dead person. I should be on that list of the deceased they called out. I'm more dead than any of them.

"Annie Cresta," the president says back to the audience, "The only living tribute from District Four to this day. She's suffered through the tyranny of the past regime more than any of us can begin to fathom. She's endured, and she stands before you today as one of the bravest people in all of Panem. Annie, we salute you and your courage."

Before I know it, everyone out in the square, on the stage, and those watching this on the screens beyond Four, slowly raise their hands in in a three finger salute. It's so silent, the waves can be heard crashing on the beach and the gulls calling above us. I stand still as a statue, not knowing what to do. What to say. I even stay silent as Paylor pays her special respects to Finnick, who fought with Thirteen during the war and acted a ray of sun to everyone he met. She acknowledges his final sacrifice, and a moment of silence is held in his honor. I feel someone holding me hand and find it's Beetee.

"I want to say something."

I don't know how the words escaped my mouth, but it's too late to take them back. Paylor looks surprised for a moment, then backs away from the microphone to allow me to stop forward. I stand there in shock for a moment, and then timidly force myself forward.

"Um..."

Come one, Annie.

I find my family in the crowd. Pearl, Echo, Kai, and Kiandra. Finnick's mother. Troy's family. Marina's parents. The remains of Finnick's friends. My old childhood friends. These people are the people I grew up with. I developed my life with them. So surely, I can speak.

"Finnick's dead."

Okay, not the best way to start.

"He died as the bravest man I ever knew. There's so many who gave their lives in the name of freedom. To anywhere else, he's another name on that list. But here, this was his home. He's a part of this place. And so is Tristan. And Mags. And Troy. Everyone who lost their lives. To us, they are not just names on a list. They're our home, pieces of it, that have been sacrificed to save the rest of it."

No one speaks, so I take a deep steadying breath and try to press on. It's hard, with the world spinning so much. "But we can't be angry or resentful about how they left us," I say slowly, as if the words are hard to form, "Like President Paylor said, we have a chance for a new beginning. That's what this all was for, anyway. Honor them by giving this world a chance. Don't look down at someone for their Capitol pedigree, or idolize someone for their district origins. Just try to make this life we've been given...something that was worth their sacrifice."

Everyone's still silent, and stay such until I'm the one who has to say cut.

Paylor resumes the stand but I allow myself to disappear behind the black curtain on the stage, where I dully faint into Plutarch's arms.

Next thing I know I'm standing in an arch in the square. I don't really know how I came to, but it's time for the monument to be erected and somehow I got here. Beetee is beside me and my family is close by.

"The statue was chosen especially in Finnick's honor," Beetee let's me know, "I got a voice in choosing it."

They raise it up, and I'm confronted with a large trident, shining gold in the sunlight. I feel a little dizzy, but Beetee already has my arm to support me. It's so tall and beautifully majestic, with thin designs carved into the surface. There's a plaque on the base that reads lyrics from an old song that we traditionally sing at funerals.

The world is turning like the tide

And time is ever passing

Memories at the wayside

Collecting, ever amassing.

Sacrifices, valor, and heart

Lives lost and those begun

Memories I set apart

Shining like the sun.

Let the brave stand high

And the heroes tall

Their lives to the sky

I'll remember you all.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

(Roughly a month later)

"How are you feeling today?" Pearl asks, setting a glass of water down on the counter. I'm wincing.

"Close. Any day now," I say through my teeth. She nods and points to the water, which I drink. She knows best after all, she's been here.

"You'll be alright. It's so much better when it's all over."

I nod. Pearl's eyes fall on the window behind me, and suddenly her face goes white and the glass in her own hand drops to the floor.

"What? What is it?!" I demand, spinning around. There, outside the window is none other but Stephen, calling out Pearl's name.

"Stephen!" she exclaims, rushing from the kitchen. My heart is pounding with joy and excitement, but when I stand, I feel excruciating pain and double over with my hand supporting me on the counter. I hear them call to each other and look up to see them embrace. He swings her around and kisses her and then they hold one another's faces as if making sure it's all real. I'm happy. And a little jealous.

"Stephen's back?!" I hear Echo call down from upstairs. I can't answer but I hear her rushing down the staircase with Kai and Kiandra in tow. They run through the kitchen and don't even see me clutching onto the counter. I hear their laughter as they embrace Stephen outside. The pain resides to a tolerable level and I straighten up. I continue outside to where everyone has gathered. Stephen is in some dark gray uniform with a high collar. He looks thin and much paler with a few scars on his hands and face, but the rest of it is still him. The same friendly smile, the same happy eyes. He's kissing Kiandra when I see him, but he soon looks up and spots me. His eyes fall to my stomach and get a little wider in shock. I see Pearl whisper something quickly to him and his smile yields a little, but he breaks loose from his family to come to me.

"Annie!" he says warmly, wrapping his arms around me. I hug him back, reveling in the beating heart under his uniform.

"Good to have you back," I tell him. We break apart and look each other over. I know he wants to ask, or at least talk about it.

"It happened sometime after we were married in Thirteen," I say flatly, "He died before he knew."

Stephen smiles comfortingly and rubs my arm. "You're stronger than anyone's given you credit for, anyway."

I smile back at him and then double over as another contraction hits. It feels like my muscles are trying to tear me apart.

"Annie?!"

I feel hands keeping me up. People are around me but I barely notice them. When the contraction passes, I find Pearl's face and it spells out everything.

"It's time, then?" I wince. She helps Stephen support me and I'm set down on a chair on the porch.

"How close are the contractions?" she asks, sending Echo to get me a glass of water.

"I'm not sure, but they're long," I say through gritted teeth. Right on cue, another one hits me and I squeeze the circulation out of Stephen's hand. It's decided and they have me on my feet, taking me to the hospital near the square. The one Katniss's mother runs. At first it's just Pearl helping me while Stephen and Echo take care of the kids. But when it becomes too much, she cries out in desperation.

"Stephen, I need you!"

Even I, though a little preoccupied, register the depth behind those words. Never once has Pearl ever said that she needs anyone. And even though in the context, it may not mean much to an outsider, to me it means a world of difference. And from the look I see Stephen give Pearl, it means the world to him too.

They're both helping me along while Echo tows the kids. "Almost there," Stephen assures me when a contraction hits especially hard. I think somewhere along the way my water breaks. We're admitted straight into the hospital where I'm swept off my feet and brought into a room with Echo and Pearl. Stephen, though just returned home, gets to stay outside with his children.

I've experienced pain. But that doesn't make this any easier.

"Deep breaths," Pearl reminds me.

"Annie! Nice to see you," Lillian says with just the right hint of cheerfulness. I scream in pain and she shuts up and gets her team to work.

Finnick, where are you?!

For a moment, when the worst of the pain hits, I'm angry with him.

"IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'RE DEAD FINNICK, CUZ IF YOU WEREN'T, I'D KILL YOU FOR THIS!"

I think my sisters laugh, and later on I probably will too, but at the time I really meant it.

"One more Annie, you're almost there," Lillian tells me in a soothing voice.

It happens pretty fast after that, and before I know it, the contractions stop and there's a bunch of cries of joy from the people in the room. The next moment I hear the gurgled, broken cry of a baby.

"It's a boy!" Lillian declares. I moan and fight the oncoming sleep. I blink to clear up my eyes just as they're handing me a tiny blanketed bundle. When I feel his weight in my arms and look down at his pink little face, I'm overwhelmed. He has a tiny little fist held up against his cheek, and his crying has already quieted into soft little baby garbles. I touch his tiny little face and see the wisps of wavy bronze hair peaking out from the blanket.

"He's beautiful, Annie," Echo says, as my two sisters sit on either side of me. I don't know what to say, but I let them stroke cheeks his their fingers and ogle over his little puffy mouth. "What are you going to name him?"

I had put some thought into this. I wanted to name my child after Finnick somehow, but I didn't want to make it as direct as his own name. It'd be too hard to hear that name all the time. But I came up with something else.

"Oriole," I say definitely.

"That's lovely. And why did you choose that?"

"It means gold. I chose it after Finnick."

They nod approvingly and Stephen-he was allowed to come in to see the baby-speaks up.

"There was a bird called an oriole back in one of the districts I was in. It's a great name, Annie."

I take in my family all around me. Kai hops up onto the bed and cranes his beck to better see his new cousin. Echo brings Kiandra up onto her lap so she can see better. Pearl goes to Stephen and wraps her arms around his chest, tucking her forehead against him. He kisses the top of her head and holds her like his world is in his grasp. And then I look down at my son, who seems to have fallen asleep. So delicate. So peaceful. So innocent. His life is in my arms; I can feel it surging through my bones. So this is what it feels like to be important. This is what it feels like to be needed.

My son, my own tiny golden sun.