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30

To Have and to Hold

"Hold my hand," I told Annie before the doors of the train opened. She reached out despondently and laced her fingers through mine. Mags appeared on the other side of her and took her hand as well. Garcia clapped behind us and gave a tittery laugh.

"Oh, this is so exciting. I love the homecoming."

Personally, I was just hoping I'd survive it. Maybe Annie being alive would stop Pearl from ripping my throat out, but I couldn't guarantee anything if she saw the state her sister was in. "Here we go," I breathed as the doors slid open. The crowd erupted in applause, but now nearly as boisterous as I remembered mine being. It's possible that I had glorified the moment.

It's also very possible they all pitied her so much they were afraid to clap.

"Scream scream scream, this is all a bad dream," Annie sang quietly to herself. Mags and I exchanged a look before gently tugging her out into the light. Peacekeepers split the crowd to let us through and I found myself pulling the front, trying to protect her from all the staring faces and judging eyes. From what I could see she was staring down at the ground with her hair over her face.

We crossed the cobblestone until we were stopped by a high-pitched squeal and Echo's delighted face leaping from the crowd.

"Annie!" she hollered, running up to us. A few people refused to budge so she struggled a minute to reach us, but when she did she had her arms fastened around Annie so tightly I was afraid she might lose blood flow. Mags and I tried to figure out what her expression was, but she barely had one. Her arms stayed at her sides as she stared at the top of Echo's head like it was a foreign object.

Better than a meltdown.

Then Stephen came through the crowd with a winning but measured smile, carrying little Kai in his left arm. "Annie," he said exclaimed warmly, wrapping his right arm around her back and giving it a gentle squeeze. At least he was more in control of himself...but where was Pearl?

"It's good to see you again, Stephen," I smiled, shaking his hand. He grinned and slapped me on the back, but his expression told me there was a lot of questions he wanted an answer to.

"Good to see you too."

Annie was staring at a point no one could see, and Echo was staring up at her like she was trying to read a book off her forehead. I took her space-out as an opportunity to pull Stephen into the wave of the crowd. "Where's Pearl?" I asked under my breath. Stephen pursed his lips and sighed.

"At the house, she's not allowed in the square for another month yet."

Well, that's news. "Why not?"

He sighed again and scratched his head. "She...she attacked a peacekeeper. You know how her temper gets. When. Annie went...well...when she had her big breakdown, a peacekeeper made some comment about how he'd still...okay, Finnick, it's vulgar and you don't want to hear it. All you have to know is that Pearl was in the square at the time, watching the screen, and she heard it. So she fought him tooth and nail." He chuckled with almost a fond look in his eye. "Poor bloke didn't know what was coming to him."

Give me his name, I'll finish the job.

"I thought the penalty for that is death..."

Oh no. Pearl's been sentenced to death upon Annie's arrival.

It's happened before. Someone goes out on a large fishing trip to find their loved one in the stocks on their homecoming day for some sort of crime. But Pearl? With Kai just barely opening his eyes? And Annie barely functional now needing her more than ever? They couldn't sink that low...

"I know. But she's a new mother," Stephen said with a grimace, "So they just flogged her. Publically."

Better than the death penalty, but I still felt my heart lurch when I heard it. The image of powerful, gorgeous Pearl strapped to a post and beaten into submission was a little too hard to swallow. We needed her strength.

"Is she okay?"

"Better," he frowned, "Sore, but better. She's still a little powerhouse. The only reason she's not here now is because she doesn't want them to turn on Kai." I nodded, but then read something in his expression again that said this wasn't the entire truth. This guy was like an open book right on his face. "Let's get Annie home," he said quickly, pulling me back into the space where she, Mags, and Echo stood.

"Come on," I said, taking her hand again, "let's go."

We walked through the dispersing, muttering crowd through the square and to the sandy pathways. The second our feet hit sand, Annie dropped to the ground. I spun around, alarmed, to find her digging her hands into the sand and staring at it with her mouth slightly agape.

"Annie, are you alright?"

She didn't answer, but pulled herself further up where the sand was deeper and sunk her hands in. She gave one of her awkwardly placed laughs that made us all uncomfortable and then looked up at no particular person or thing and said, "I never thought I'd see this again." Tears welled up in her eyes and suddenly she was stumbling to her feet and racing forward, making a beeline for the beach. Her run was only slightly hobbled by the limp left in her leg.

"I'm surprised she can even walk," Stephen said with some optimism. We followed a safe distance behind her until she stopped at a beach.

"SHELLS!" she exclaimed, grabbing a fistful of them and whipping them into the air like little white stars. Echo laughed and ran up to join her, scooping up some of the shells too, when Annie's smile dropped and she lunged for Echo, snatching them from her hands.

"Mine!" she growled, clutching her stolen goods to her chest. With her free hand she pushed Echo's shoulder, "You little monster, stealing my things."

"Annie-" I started, not sure whether to intervene. Echo's face was heart wrenching.

"Uh oh," Stephen agreed, crossing his arms.

"Annie, it's Echo. I'm your sister...I'm not a monster..."

Annie glared at her and threw the shells down on the beach. "Then why did you let me go then, monster?" she said accusingly, "You could have saved me but you didn't. Worried about your scaly little dragon head, were you?" The bitterness in Annie's voice stung, and I had to wonder why I never considered this before. That maybe it would have hurt Annie that Echo hadn't tried to volunteer for her.

"But..."

"I don't want to hear your snarl, little beast." Annie kicked the sand and started storming away, leaving Echo behind in tears. Stephen walked forward and put an arm around her shoulder comfortingly and kissed the top of her head, muttering something comforting. Mags waved me on to go after Annie, so I jogged up to her, trying to measure out which emotions to use.

"Go away," Annie snapped before I said a word, "I don't want to hear it."

"Annie, she's your sister. She's missed you. She's happy you're home."

"Why did she let me go then?" Annie choked, more tears springing to her eyes, "Why did everyone just stand there and let me go?"

I blinked at her, not entirely sure what to say. "It's the same every year, it's nothing personal. Their loved ones stop them from sacrificing themselves."

Annie clenched her fists and dug the heels of her palms into her eyes, screaming in frustration. I stood there with my hands fluttering awkwardly, just trying to make sense of everything. Suddenly Annie stripped down from her pretty little dress they designed for her to come home in until she stood there glaringly naked. I blinked again and scanned the perimeter, catching quite a few onlookers. I don't know what attracted them though, Annie, or her screaming.

"What are you doing?" I whispered, picking up her dress and shaking out the sand, "Would you please put your clothes back on?" No, nudity wasn't a huge deal here. It didn't mean I liked it when she laid it all out there for those men to stare at. She was even more vulnerable now, even more breakable than before. The damage they could do for just thinking she was beautiful...

"Swimming," she said simply, turning on her heels and walking straight into the water. When the waves crashed up over her ankles, she froze for a moment, tilted her head back, and let out a sigh of relief. Then she took off, diving straight into the next wave and disappearing for one nerve-wrecking moment, then popping back up further out. I was watching her carefully when I felt something slam into my head.

"Hey!" I gasped, turning around with my hands ready to swing. Do people really keep forgetting how capable of a killer I am? But that's when I saw a furious, battered Pearl with a tree branch in her hand.

"Pearl, relax for a second!" Stephen called from across the beach, but he couldn't intervene, he had Kai and Echo, both of whom were crying. I swallowed and backed up as she stalked towards me.

"What did you do," she hissed, throwing the branch into the sand with surprising force. A colorful pattern of bruises ran from the right side of her face all the way down to her calves and hands, but it didn't make her look weaker, if anything it made her look more intimidating.

"Pearl I couldn't let her die..."

"YOU TORTURED HER!" she screeched, whipping her hand across my chest. I felt the sting left behind by her fingers. "I told you how fragile she is!"

"But..."

Is it weird that if felt good for someone to finally punish me over this?

"Do you know what I had to listen to while you were out gallivanting with the whores in the Capitol?" she snarled dangerously, a certain insane fire hitting her eyes. If Pearl snapped like Annie, she wouldn't cry and make up songs. She would probably murder someone. Slowly.

"It wasn't the pity that got to me the most," she pressed, still forcing me backwards, "No, it was the comments on her body. They all just want to take advantage of her. 'She can't even fight back anymore, so why the hell not?' THAT'S what they'd say about her."

"I'm not going to let anyone touch her..."

"SHE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO BE TOUCHED. THANKS TO YOU SHE'S TERRIFIED OF EVERTHING!" She lunged forward and knocked me down, landing her fists on whatever part of me they fell. I didn't fight back, I just closed my eyes and waited for her to get it out of her system. She actually got some good hits in here before she stopped, muttering curses and cradling her hand.

"You through?" I asked, opening my eyes. She scowled and landed one final blow across my eye before pulling herself up on her bruised knees and searching the scene.

"Where is she?" she demanded, squinting into the distance. I rubbed my eye to reduce the sting and pointed at the water.

"She's swimming?" she asked incredulously, "It's FREEZING out there. You are determined to mutilate her." She continued muttering to herself as she stomped into the water and waded in until it was hitting her hips.

"Annie!" she called, cupping her hands over her mouth, "Come back!"

Annie's head was just a little brown dot on the ocean, but I think she turned at the sound of Pearl's voice. "Are you alright?" Stephen asked with a grimace, pulling me up to my feet.

"Fine," I sighed, brushing the sand off of me. Kai giggled in delight and tugged on a piece of my hair that had some dried up kelp tangled in it. Echo was sniffling bitterly behind him with her arms crossed over her chest the way I've seen Annie do so many times. "She'll come around," I told her, "Just give it a few days. She's unstable."

We looked back to see Annie swimming closer, as Pearl waved her arms and started to wade deeper. When her face became visible, it was clear she was delighted. Pearl wrapped her arms around her and Annie responded whole-heartedly, ignoring the waves crashing into them. Pearl grabbed her hand and pulled her to shore, muttering something about catching a cold and why the hell she'd throw her dress away. I held it out in surrender, allowing Pearl to expend a pointed glare at me for having it in the first place.

"It wasn't my idea," I muttered. When she was back in the dress, Annie was shivery but happy, staring at Pearl like she was some kind of miracle. We walked home in a clump, Mags breaking off at some point and heading to her own house. There was an awkward moment when we weren't sure if Annie should stay with her family, or with me.

"She's already been with you for a while," Pearl said, "We should get some time with her."

"I agree," I tried to reason, "but it's up to-"

"I want to stay with Pearl tonight," Annie cut over me, "I don't want everyone to fight."

"Yeah, she rhymes a lot now..."

Pearl stared at her sister and then gave me a smug grin. "Good choice, Annie."

Was I being replaced?

They walked inside, Stephen giving me an apologetic pat on the shoulder before following her, tugging Kai's pudgy fingers out of his hair.

The walk home was a lonely one, but it was soothing. I never realized how much I needed this alone time to think and clear my head until I got it.

Is this really how I want to spend my life? Measuring my every move? Dodging her sister? Never able to express how I feel without worrying about triggering some sort of terrible reaction?

I imagined life without Annie. On my own in my massive house, never having to care about anyone. Maybe I'd invite Lacy or Estelle to come and stay with me a while. I probably wouldn't do a lot of cooking, in fact, I'd probably hire a chef to come and do it for me. What did I care? Who did I have to prove myself to?

So there it was. If Annie was gone, I'd risk losing a good portion of my self-worth. She kept me accountable, made me human. She gave me a purpose too; to defend her, to protect her. That seemed pretty important to me.

I was on the doorstep when I heard the phone ringing inside. I jogged to get there in time and was surprised to hear Stephen on the other end. "Hey Finnick, listen, I'm sorry to do this to you, but could you come back?"

My heart sank a little. "Is everything okay?"

"She fell asleep...but she just started screaming. We can't get her to stop."

Sure enough I heard the pixilated sound of Annie's scream ripping in the background and the unintelligible things Echo and Pearl were saying back. "I'll be there in a few," I sighed, hanging up the phone. I couldn't live without Annie, but I hoped to the heavens that this wouldn't last forever.

I jogged back and didn't bother knocking, letting myself in through the front door to find a very frazzled Stephen juggling a whining baby. Annie was upstairs from the sound of it.

"Go on up," Stephen said curtly, nodding his head towards the steps. I sprinted up the stairs and walked into her bedroom to find Annie backed into a corner with the sheets still tangled around her ankles, screaming at something no one could see.

"She's been at it for an hour," Echo told me with a frown. Pearl's face was red but she was-to her good graces-keeping a level head.

"Sorry it took me so long," I told her before approaching Annie cautiously. She started laughing with a certain manic look in eye which then segwayed into tears and she began to cry.

"What's wrong, Annie?" I asked in a level voice.

"THEY CUT OFF HIS HEAD!" she screamed miserably, holding her palms out to me. I took this as an opportunity to pull her against my chest and pinned her there, keeping my grip as she struggled and kicked until she gave up and sagged into me. The whole time I kept whispering to her that it was alright, it was over, that she was okay, and that she had to accept it. I felt her tears soaking into the fabric of my shirt and sighed, stroking her hair. I reminded myself who she was and why I was here by smelling the salt of her hair and brushing her skin with my lips. She was still my Annie, just damaged.

"Please don't leave," she whispered shakily, secretly gripping the end of my shirt with her quaking fingers. "The worst part about being crazy is I have the most vivid dreams...I can't it off on my own. I need you."

Pearl let out a breath, but pasted on a smile and kissed Annie goodnight. Echo stood awkwardly for a moment, and then left. I took out the lights and then sank into the bed, wrapping my arms protectively around her.

I need you.

So there I had it. She needed me. And that's exactly what I needed.

A few days had passed since Annie's arrival home. I slept with her every night to help keep the nightmares at bay. We stayed at her house though, so she could be close to her family. But one morning I woke up to find she was gone.

"Annie?"

I pulled on my shirt and walked out the of the house, trying to make sense out of where she might have gone. The answer seemed obvious if I really thought about it. Her beach.

I took the usual path there and was disappointed when I didn't see her there, collecting shells. But then I looked up at the small drop that hung over the water. She stood on top of it like a pillar of salt, her white dress catching the salty breeze whipping from the sea. The sunrise was casting a pale orange and pink light on her. She was watching it intently, her eyes barely squinting at the sun's harsh light.

I smiled and took the round-about way, cutting some roses from a bush outside one of the nicer homes and then walking up behind her.

"Hey Annie," I said gently. "I brought you something."

She turned around slowly, her eyes focusing at my face.

"What?"

I held out the flowers and grinned, "Roses for my rose?" Cheesy, but it might work.

I wasn't expecting her to start crying, however. Tears sprung into her eyes and spilled over, her hand covering her open mouth shakily.

What did I do wrong?

"I'm sorry," she whimpered, taking the roses, "I'm sorry I know it's stupid..."

"Annie, I don't mind, I just want you to tell me..."

She sucked in a breath and then looked at me firmly. "They're beautiful. Thank you. I'm glad they're not daisies."

"What does that mean?"

She shook her head and wiped her tears away, "Just forget it."

Then she took my hand and led me down to her beach with all the little white shells. I followed silently, trying to remember if she'd ever said anything to do with daisies. We sat down on the sand and watched the sun rise further on the horizon. "I need to apologize to Echo," Annie said suddenly, "I can't believe how unfair I've been."

"We all know you don't mean it Annie," I said, patting her hand. She turned suddenly, looking intently on my face. I stole a look back, raising my eyebrows. Her eyes shifted down to my lips. An electric current tingled down from my lips to my fingertips. I leaned forward very slightly, but she tensed and threw her hand up.

"Wait," she said firmly. I retreated back to where I was and watched her expectantly. She rubbed her temples and laughed for a second, then whispered to herself. "You are not losing your grip. You're okay. He's Finnick, he's not..."

She snapped her head up and said sort of desperately, "Say your name. Like, outloud. Say who you are."

She seemed perfectly serious, so I responded, "I'm Finnick."

She sighed and closed her eyes, whispering, "See? He's Finnick...he's not..."

"You're not a monster," she said like a question, "And you're not...him. You're not Troy. You're Finnick."

"Yes, I'm Finnick. And I'm very alive and human, thank you."

Annie returned my smile, but a little half-heartedly. "Yes you are." She continued to study me for a second and then said, "Don't move."

I obeyed, but kept my eyes on her. Slowly she moved closer while switching her eyes from my face to my lips. She slowly pulled her leg over mine so that she was sitting in my lap with her knees planted in the sand on either side. My legs were stretched out, but I started to pull them in to make her more comfortable when she cringed and shut her eyes. "Please don't move," she pleaded, each word containing a bit of bite. I stiffened my back again and slowly, cautiously lowered my legs.

"Sorry," I whispered with a small smile. She breathed and calmed herself down, then opened her eyes, using her hands to scoot further up my lap until her face was inches from mine and I was having a hard time not going cross-eyed. Every inch of my body wanted to respond, wanted to move, wanted to reach out for her, but I had to stay still. If anything, it made it more intense, knowing I couldn't do what I wanted to.

Annie pulled her hands up to the sides of my face, exploring the contours of my cheekbones with her fingertips. My lip twitched, giving away the building electricity gathering up inside of me.

"Don't move," she repeated in barely a whisper. I nodded slightly, keeping my eyes on hers. From this close I could see that little freckle between her eyes that was bigger than the others. She lowered her face close enough to mine that we were almost touching, Her breath was tickling my skin and the electricity was sparking from my every pore, trying to connect with her. She tilted her head but kept her lips hovering over mine for what seemed like an agonizing hour. My fingers twitched, needing to reach up and touch her.

Finally she tilted her chin in, her soft lips connecting with mine.

Don't move.

Fireworks were exploding under my skin, but I closed my eyes and forced myself to stay still. Annie pressed kissed harder, parting her lips slightly so she engulfed my bottom lip with hers. If I wasn't able to move soon, I might explode.

She backed up and breathed, saying, "Okay...mm, okay then."

She wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me again, but this time I couldn't stop myself from responding. I pulled my legs up and ran my hands up her back, tangling my fingers in her hair. I allowed my mouth to move with hers, and for a moment the whole world seemed to melt away for a while.

She pulled away again, but this time she leaned her forehead against mine and smiled.

"You okay?" I asked, trying to contain my euphoria. She nodded and took a deep breath.

"I'm glad I could do that," she said finally, rubbing her hand over my arm. Then with a look of fascination, she reached out and placed her fingertips over my heart. "Thud thud thud," she said with a light smile. I smiled and mimicked her, putting my hand over her heart. Then I took it away and kissed the spot in the hollow of her chest where I could feel her pulse thumping with life.

"At least it's beating."

O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O

"At least it's beating," he said firmly. Suddenly, I really wanted to go for a swim. I stood up and pulled Finnick up with me. Before he could ask what I was doing, I yanked off his unbuttoned shirt and then pulled my dress over my head, letting it fall unceremoniously to the sand. Then I spun and leapt into the water.

Swimming with Finnick was one of the clearest moments for me of that time. I remembered how every movement he made had some sort of direct purpose, a strength to it. I watched my hair make snakes in the water that slithered all over my face. I accidentally scared away fish, but they always came back. Because I wasn't a Monster. At least not right now.

When the current started getting stronger, we started for the shore. When my feet connected with the sand, and sprang on to Fin's back and held myself there, feeling his chest heave with his laughter. It felt good...to be happy again.

We came crashing onto the shore, collapsing in the waves and sand breaking over each other. It tried to knock my forward and then slide me back in again, but I was strong enough with Fin to stay on where I was.

"Don't move," I said again suddenly, catching his eye. His laughter stopped but he kept his smile, his expression going curious. I felt more vulnerable now without my dress, but at the same time just as safe. I pushed Fin by the shoulders until he was practically laying down, just leaned up enough on his elbows to stop his face from going under every time a wave broke. He was watching me, his grin twisting up a little bit more. I admired how the water clung to the perfect, golden muscles on his chest and shoulders and biceps. He was truly like the sun had turned human.

I sat across his lap again and then slowly lowered myself so that our bare chests pressed up against one another's.

Careful Annie, he could be dangerous.

You're not pretty enough for him.

How could you kiss him, when Troy died for you?

I pushed my thoughts in to torment me later-which I'm sure they would-and focused on the energy passing between me and Finnick. I pinned his hands down so he wouldn't be tempted to move them and kissed him again, closing my eyes and tasting the salt on his lips. I also felt powerful, that I could stop a bull like him from even moving a muscle. I could be strong again. I'd find my strength. For now, I would stay right here. With him.

"Can I please move?" he whispered in a pained voice, keeping his mouth near my neck.

I smiled and gently bit his lower lip and gave it a tug. "Not yet."

Yes, I could stay like this for as long as I live.