Bella: It's okay! I just wasn't sure what was going on. No worries. :)

Happy reading, guys!

29

My Ophelia

The interview was over and we could finally go home. The doctors scheduled Annie to meet with a therapist about twice a week until her symptoms became more manageable, also because she refused medication. I was starting to get the feel for her mood swings and crazy babble. At good times she'd just laugh in the wrong places, cover her ears if something upset her, and stay for the most part silent. When it was bad she would collapse, flail, hug herself, scream, sing, and say things that only made sense if you dissected the meaning behind them. Those times were hard for me to comprehend a life with, the other parts were unusual, but over time I could get used to them. Especially if it meant I didn't lose her.

We sat on the train, rocking slightly with the vibrations while Mags played some slow music on the stereo. Annie mostly refused to eat anything with meat, unless it was fish. If you put a steak in front of her she started freaking out and saying something about flesh and muscle and blood snakes. After lunch she went into her room and started taking a shower that lasted for probably three hours. Garcia filed her names and muttered that there wouldn't be enough water left on the train for the rest of us. I bit my lip to keep myself from telling her to shut up.

"Have you ever heard of Shakespeare?" Mags asked me suddenly.

"Erm...no, I don't think so."

"Ah, I guess you wouldn't. His works were banned after the Capitol took power-for the greater good, of course," she added with a certain bite when Garcia's head perked up, "Only the oldest people have heard of him, like me."

"Okay...so what about him?" I asked, folding my arms.

"Well, he had this character in one of his stories called Ophelia. It's just that she reminds me of Annie a lot."

Ophelia...what a broken name.

Later that night I went in to Annie's room to pull her out for dinner to find her curled up in the corner of her room with her head between her legs.

"Hey Annie," I said lightly, sitting down in front of her. It unnerved me, how dead she looked. "What are you doing?"

"Hiding," she whispered, lifting her head a little, but her eyes were focused down on something beyond the floor.

I placed a hand on her knee and gently said, "Hiding? From what?"

"The monster," she said in a shaky, hushed voice. Of course, how silly of me.

"There's no monster Annie."

"She was in my room. She opened her mouth and there was no tongue. She cut her tongue out because she likes to swallow her prey whole."

I sighed, "Annie, that's not a monster, she's an avox. She's your servant here, she won't hurt you."

"My servant?" she asked timidly. I smiled and touched her cheek lightly. She looked upset. "If I have a servant, than I'm a monster."

"She's the Capitol's servant, they instructed her to care for you. That's better than caring for a citizen, don't you think?"

She tucked her head back in between her knees and didn't answer me. "Besides," I added with a smile, "You're too pretty to be a monster. Come eat dinner when you're ready."

I got up to leave when she reached out and grabbed my hand, lightly though as if she wasn't sure if she could touch me.

"Please don't leave me," she whispered. Some warmth dripped into my heart and I said, "Come with me then."

She stayed there on the floor, silently for a moment, and then got up slowly. I smiled and took her hand more firmly and led her out into the light of the dining room. To their best graces no one made a big deal out of it and just allowed her to join the group seamlessly. I knew now that she couldn't handle meat, so I made sure to put some fish on her plate before anyone could offer something else. I started eating when, just like before the arena, Annie's hand slipped under the table and gently tangled her fingers in mine. Our private connection in a public room. For a moment it was just like having the real Annie back.

O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O

After lunch on the train I finally excused myself to go take a shower. I just wanted some alone time, being around people was exhausting. Especially Finnick. I had no idea how to handle myself around him because half the time I couldn't handle myself. I didn't want to disappoint him...or lose him.

The water ran and I stepped in even though it was freezing.

The river's on your back, it's coming for your blood.

I tugged my hand through the knots in my hair, shivering as some of the dead ends snapped. I opted to just sit on the floor of the shower and watch the water drain from my skin and into the drain below. I wondered where the water goes, does it go to the ocean? My ocean? No, not possible. It stays on the train.

Okay Annie, get it together.

It was the most frustrating thing I had ever experienced. I would know what I wanted to say or convey or even think, but my mind and mouth wouldn't let me. Like if I was hungry, I wanted to think 'I'm hungry.' But instead my mind would warp it and all I couldn't think about how hunger was weakness, wanting to steal energy and blood from one thing to preserve myself. If I wanted to be strong, I had to find my own energy. I hated myself for every bite I took, but a little silent part in me knew I had to and it was okay. But like I said, the parts I couldn't control snuffed out any parts of me I could. My greatest ally, this seed of reality buried inside the swirling chaos. Like trying to see a lantern through the thickest fogs that you know is there but cannot see.

I stared at the bracelet on my wrist, the shells sometimes leaving indents in my skin if I laid on it by accident. These shells were nice though, even if they were trying to bite my skin. I made them for Finnick, and then he gave them to me. So it was okay if they wanted to bite.

Finnick.

I was never going to be able to redeem myself with him.

Maybe when I got home, I could get a boat and sail away to somewhere where I couldn't hurt anyone. If there wasn't a peacekeeper on board, if it was small enough to avoid their spies on the ocean, maybe I could make it out to whatever was beyond the ocean. I could hurt anyone out there.

Out on the sea it's only me

I could sail away after the day

Alone is sad, but hurting is bad

I'm a Monster if I stay.

I let my involuntary thoughts swallow me and dozed off for a while with the water still tracing lines down my face. Water snakes, on my skin, they sort of tickled. When my eyes opened again I saw how wrinkly my fingers were.

I'm old. I've been asleep for fifty years and now I'm old.

No, silly, it's the water. It steals the youngness from your skin, but only for a little while.

Why?

It gives it to someone else, but it's okay.

I didn't shut off the water but I walked straight out. When I entered my room I screamed when suddenly there was someone there, touching my things. Her mouth was open when she turned in surprise and I saw she had no tongue. The stub of it was just sitting in her mouth like a rotten, hacked up heart caged by her teeth.

"MONSTER!" I shrieked, chucking a nearby shoe at her. She cringed and stalked away into the shadows as monsters usually do. "WHERE'S YOUR WINGS, MONSTER?"

She didn't answer. Of course she didn't. She didn't have a tongue.

Freak.

I wanted to hide away in the shadows again. But I didn't like being naked, it made me feel like the Monster could smell my skin better. So I found a thin gown in the drawer and pulled it over my head, like a snake shedding its skin back on. Then I crawled into the corner and pulled my legs up to my chin, tucking my head inside the wrap of my body. Maybe then she wouldn't be able to hear my breathing. I could hide within my own body...

Black black black the Monster's coming back

She's going to eat your eyes

Keep your skin for a prize

"Hey Annie." It was Finnick, he came into the room and sat down in front of me. "What are you doing?"

"Hiding," I answered simply. And he was blowing it. I felt the warmth of his hand cover my knee and send electricity I didn't understand down my legs and crackling into the rest of my limbs. Like it was trying to restart my heart...only couldn't.

"Hiding? From what?"

Stupid Finnick I'm sure you've seen her, that dragon infests all the rooms I'm sure of it.

Maybe Finnick loves her.

"The Monster."

"There's no monster Annie. "

"She was in my room. She opened her mouth and there was no tongue. She cut her tongue out because she likes to swallow her prey whole." Why didn't he understand this? Why was I even saying it? The gleam of logic inside of me was trying to wriggle out and tell my mouth to stop forming such nonsense, but the fog strangled it and snuffed out it's light.

He sighed, "Annie, that's not a monster, she's an avox. She's your servant here, she won't hurt you."

Avox...I remember the avox. She has pretty hair.

"My servant?" I repeated. A sick feeling twisted in my stomach. I captured the dragon monster girl and made her my slave? I barely felt Finnick's touch on my cheek when I said, "If I have a servant, than I'm a monster."

He was quick to answer. "She's the Capitol's servant, they instructed her to care for you. That's better than caring for a citizen, don't you think?"

No.

I'd rather she was dead than a slave.

I hid my head back inside the darkness so I could try and work this out alone, but Finnick's voice cut into the shade. "Besides, you're too pretty to be a monster."

Liar. I'm made of broken glass, that's not beautiful, just let me pass. Pass into the fire.

"Come eat dinner when you're ready."

He was leaving. I could feel the air changing as he moved.

Let him go. Never touch him again. Never speak to him again. It's for the best...for him.

You can't live without him. Don't let him go.

I should let him go.

But don't.

I reached out suddenly and closed my fingers gingerly over his hand.

You're so weak.

Shut up, for once.

"Please don't leave me," I whispered. I kept my eyes trained away from his face, afraid of what I'd find there.

"Come with me then."

What choice do I have?

Stay here. Annie, let him go. You're killing him.

If you go, you're the Monster.

No...Finnick loves me. He said so.

He was just saying that so you'd stop screaming.

Lies, always lying.

He's waiting for you.

I made my legs straighten up, though not without a lot of effort, and followed stiffly behind him. It felt better to walk near Finnick, it made me feel normal. I didn't like the light, but Finnick was in the light, so I went anyway. I didn't even fight when he put food on my plate. He was strong, strong as a rock, and he ate. So I could too...right?

This is ridiculous.

Finally, that gleam of the old me, then one who made sense, had found it's voice; if only for a short while. I could feel my conscious drip with relief at hearing her voice.

He loves you, you love him. There's no point in making both of you miserable. You know that even if you push him away, the guilt of what happened to you is going to prevent him from ever finding anyone else. Just try to be happy for once in your damn life.

Before her light flickered out, Annie reached her hand out and took Finnick's under the table, just like before the arena. Then she slipped away again into darkness, but Finnick's strength kept my hand anchored in place. My mind tossed, churned, and reeled like a tempest, but Finnick kept me in place. Even if I was lost.

After dinner I went back to my room and laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. I thought about monsters, the dark, blood, and Troy. How his lips felt on my lips. How the stump of his neck looked after it lost its head. How his head looked separated from his body, swinging from a hand by his hair in my face. The feel of his blood dripped from his head and onto my lap and arms.

I would never forget that, so there was no point in trying to suppress it.

"Hi Annie," Troy said. He was standing at the foot of my bed, looking at me. I crawled backwards and glared at his throat. An angry red line ran around it, leaking little snakes of blood. And his hands, his hand were matted up in his hair, keeping his head in place.

"Hi Troy," I whispered back with my voice catching in the middle. He smiled.

"Something wrong?"

"You're dead," I told him, but more for myself. I sang, "Where is Troy, poor Troy is dead, his body left without his head."

"Yes, I did lose my head. Funny though, so did you."

I looked down and saw blood leaking from my neck. I gasped and clutched my hands up over my throat. "No!" I choked, feeling the blood rising in my windpipe, "I didn't lose my head, you did!"

"Not like that, silly."

I let go of my throat, but the blood remained. He was right, after all.

"I'm pushing up daisies Annie," he said with a sad smile, limping closer to me, "But I wish they were roses."

I backed up a little more, pressing my back into the headboard. "What do you want Troy?"

He stopped and frowned. I stared at the hand that was still working to keep his head in place. What would happen if he let go? "You don't miss me?"

Guilt washed over me. "I do, I do miss you. But you're dead. You shouldn't be here."

"You brought me here," he said a little angrily, "You think about me all the time. This is your mind, Annie." I stared at him silently, afraid that if I spoke he'd get angry again. "In truth," he continued more calmly, "I was really hoping for that kiss."

Tears sprung into my eyes. "You want a kiss?" I whimpered. I think he would've nodded, but then his head would've fallen off. His blood snakes were staining his shirt and dripping onto the floor. I stared at it fearfully and then looked up to find him much, much closer.

"How about it?" he said flatly, looking into my eyes. Every fiber inside of me screamed in terror, but I just nodded slightly. His arm lifted his head from its stump on his neck, letting the blood flow more fluidly down his body. His eyes blinked back at me from his separated head. I blinked back and then pressed my lips against his, holding both sides of his face to keep it from swaying. It wasn't like kissing Finnick, but it was still nice. But it made me sad too, and horrified.

"Thanks," he whispered, placing his head back on his neck with a wet slap. I cringed and tried to claw away the dizzy colors swirling before my eyes. My eyes rolled back and then focused on the bouquet of daisies Troy was holding out. I looked up at him and he shrugged with a solemn face. "Again," he sighed, "I wish they were roses."

He disappeared after that and I awoke to the sensation of being pinned down. The Monster...avox...was standing above me, pinning down my shoulders. I stared up at her with wide eyes.

"Are you going to kill me?" I asked, almost hopefully. She shook her head and then released me. From the way the blankets were tangled around me, I was probably having a fit in my sleep and she was just trying to keep me still. Guilt washed over me again because I called her a monster and she probably believed me.

"You have pretty hair," I told her, reaching out and feeling the silky ends of it with my fingers. She looked ready to cry and nodded, patting my cheek sympathetically. Did she really feel bad for me? The slave to the Capitol and the slave to her mind. We could be twins. "I'm sorry for calling you a monster."

She shook her head and put a finger over my lips, as if to quiet me. Then she pointed to the warm cup of liquid with a sweet smell she had put on my nightstand and then left the room with quick, silent steps. No, she wasn't a monster, she was a ghost. A ghost of someone probably quite wonderful and loud now soundless and missing.

I sipped the liquid, relished the sweet comforting taste of the herbs and honey. And then sleep started creeping back into the corners of my mind.

No, I'm not being trapped here alone again.

I had kissed Troy, but I really just wanted to be with Finnick. So I slipped out of bed and slinked across the floor, out into the hall until I found his room. I opened the door and then saw Garcia sleeping with a creamy green slime on her face and her hair up in a towel, her breathe catching her in nasal passages with a mighty snore.

Now that's a monster.

I backed out of the room and suppressed a giggle. I'm glad some things could still be funny. It made me feel a little bit lighter. I tried the next room and was rewarded with Finnick's face flopped against a pillow, his mouth opened slightly. He was so beautiful. I didn't deserve him. And yet...I could have him.

I slowly slipped into the sheets, trying not to rouse him. But with the movement he moaned and rolled over, pulling most of the blankets with him. I tugged what was left over my shoulder and sighed with the relief of having his warm body asleep beside me.

I thought I'd succeeded and was about to sleep, but I was wrong. "Annie?" he said groggily, twisting around. I didn't see if because I was facing away, but I felt it. Suddenly I felt sort of self-conscious, maybe he didn't want me there. It was stupid to assume he did.

"Can I stay here tonight?" I asked timidly, fighting the urge to curl up into a ball. I felt his hands on my shoulder and the turned me so that my back was against the mattress and my face was up towards the ceiling. I found his eyes which looked green even in the heavy blue and silver light from the train windows. He seemed to be searching for something.

"Of course you can," he said, almost like he was hurt I asked. Hurting him, I could never stop hurting him.

"Can I ask you a question?" I said suddenly, the gleam of Annie coming through without warning. He's eyes gleamed back at me and he nodded.

"Ask me anything, Annie."

"Are you trying to fix me?"

He blinked, "I don't understand what you mean by that."

"We both know I'm broken," I pressed, touching the ends of his hair, "I just had a dream where a boy took off his own head and kissed me. I'm not...like I used to be. I just wanted to know if you're trying to fix me so that I could be the old Annie I was."

He bit his lip and then said, genuinely, "No. I mean, I'm not trying to make you someone you're not. People change with their experiences...but I am trying to help you. I don't want you to be in so much pain all the time."

I smiled humorlessly, "Good answer."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled myself up against him so I could burry my face into the crook of his neck. He seemed shocked for a second and then gave in to the hug, falling to his side and tightening his grip against me. He was so warm, I didn't realize how much I missed how warm and solid he was.

"I have a question too," he whispered, still holding on to me, "But you don't have to answer it."

He paused. "What is it?" I asked.

"I shouldn't ask it...never mind."

I pulled away and looked at him. "Please ask it."

I don't know how much longer I have Annie here Fin, so get your questions out now.

"Do you still love me? Or can even fathom...loving me?"

He seemed miserable and self-conscious when he said it, and I'll admit it shocked me. Could I even answer this question?

Do I still love Finnick? Or do I just need him?

"Annie...I told you, it was a dumb thing to ask..."

"No," I silenced him, "you should ask it. I don't know how to word it, but can I just answer it with telling you honestly that the second you leave is the second I'm dead? Even if not physically. Not that you have to stay...I'd understand if you left but..."

"I'm not going anywhere, Annie."

"It's selfish of me, but I can't let you go. I've been trying...but I can't . So if anyone's going to leave, it's going to have to be you."

"Annie," he said again, looking straight at me, "I. Am. Not. Going. Anywhere."

"Good." What else could I say?

"So what now?" he asked.

I thought for a second and then slid forward and tucked my head under his chin, my hands folding against his chest.

Thud thud thud.

"Let's just see how you do against nightmares," I said with some humor. I felt him smile and his arms wrapped around me again.

"I'm here if you need me," he responded. What a silly thing to say.

I'm always going to need you.