Is It Worth Coming Back?

I sat at the lunch table across from Mags, our mentor, and Garcia who looked like a stuffed plum today. Mags was an aging woman, but she was the best mentor out of all the victors so I was glad to have her. Marina sat next to me, matching me bite for bite on the chocolate-raspberry pavlova. I've never really starved in my life, but I never had anything so decadent and rich without any salt or fish. It was delicious.

It didn't take long for me to notice Garcia was staring, making my skin crawl uncomfortably. Her eye lashes looked like yellow spiders. Marina paid no attention and reached across the table-such poor manners-and picked up a tentacle of some sort and slurped it down slowly, pretending I wasn't watching. What was this, an attempt at humor? Garcia raised an eyebrow at her.

"Oh two can play at this game," I said in a seductive voice. I reached for an even longer tentacle, dipped in in some red sauce, and then slowly pulled it into my mouth. I never took my eyes off Marina, but I could tell everyone was transfixed on it. Then for an extra treat I opened my mouth to reveal I had tied it in a knot with my tongue. I started laughing at the gasp that escaped their lips, and so did Mags, but Marina just blushed.

"Well aren't you just the little seducer," Garcia said with an almost hungry growl in the back of her voice.

"There's nothing little about me," I answered back with a wink. It was her turn to blush.

"Alright, alright, enough," Marina said in a tight voice, waving her hand as if to ward off the conversation. We ate the rest of the meal in an awkward silence, though I was in danger of laughing the whole time. It appears I have some sort of magical power in my hands I hadn't known about.

Mags lectured us for a while on how to find water in all sorts of terrains and how to never underestimate even the smallest opponent. She herself was adverse to us joining with the Careers, but if we proved we had the proper skills in deception than she would allow it. After a long, brain melting talk and a book full of scribbled notes, I went to bed and crashed. The Capitol train gave us what they called water beds that wiggled around like waves. While I appreciated the gesture I thought it was overdoing it.

The next morning I emerged from my room to find Marina already dressed and working on strategies on a notepad, which she clutched to her chest as soon as I approached.

"Relax, I'm not going to look at your notes," I assured her, sitting down. Truth was I woke up today with a heavier heart than I had yesterday and just wanted some company. "Do you miss home?"

Marina scrutinized me for a moment then stood up and left the room. What did I do? Mags shuffled into the room shortly after and sat down next to me, patting my leg.

"It's a stressful situation, you understand," she said in a knowing voice.

"Of course I do." Duh, I'm here too.

"No Finnick, Marina was in love back home. With my grandson's friend actually, Ammon. You're a little young to really know what it's like, but it's heartbreaking to have so much hope for the future with someone to lose it with no say otherwise."

I shrugged, not bothering to picture it, why should I? "I guess."

"Now," Mags moved on, "I believe that you aren't going to have a hard time getting a few sponsors. But with such an incredibly handsome boy such as yourself, I'm thinking we can get an army of them. If you apply yourself. So I want you to focus on your interviewing skills tonight and being extra friendly to everyone you see at the Capitol when we arrive tomorrow. Chin up, stand proud. They are going to love you."

She left after that and I went back into my room. There was a large mirror on the far wall, so I walked up to it and stood.

Handsome? Yeah I guess. I wasn't dumb I knew I was attractive. But by how much?

I took off my shirt and stripped down to my shorts. I was tan, I had muscles. My hair was bronze but pretty messy. I did have good eyes. Sturdy legs.

But a lot of people back home did. I never saw myself as more attractive than the majority of boys around me. Was I?

At dinner Marina sat across from me. I decided she was pretty, with her bronze skin and blonde hair. It was kind of cute the way it was wavy and cut short to her shoulders. But she was not out of the ordinary, except for maybe her eyes which she refused to look at me with. "After you," I say with a polite gesture when Garcia reached for the same dish I did. Today's meal was breaded chicken on greens and noodles with peanut sauce. There was a few platters of colorful finger foods and fruits. After dessert we were served tea in delicate glasses with sugar cubes and honey in beautiful glass jars. Marina stood up and started pacing, her hands wringing the tea cup. I stood up and held the jar out to her.

"Sugar?" I offered, peering at her through my eyelashes. She paused to put one into her cup, so I smiled and popped one into my mouth. The way it crunched and melted in my mouth was inviggorating. Suddenly Marina moved back and looked completely put off.

"Shit."

I was slightly taken aback. "What? What did I do?" She started looking back and forth between me and the table.

"Oh come on," she said, her voice escalating, "Come on! I see how this is going to be."

"What Marina, what's wrong?" Garcia asked in a high voice. Mags was just surveying the scene with a certain light in her eyes.

"It's him!" she shouted, pointing an accusing finger at me. I backed up and put out my hands, palm up.

"What did I do?"

She was holding her control the best she could but she kept rocking back and forth between feet.

"I know exactly how this is going to go. Look at him! Are you looking?" she gestured at me with both hands as if no one at the table was paying attention. "We all know that it comes down to one person in that arena and the Capitol people choose their favorite to sponsor from each district. No pair gets the same treatment. And I'm up against him?"

"Marina try to calm down-"

"Mags, look at him! He's like some Greek god or something! And he flirts like it's his language. Looks are all they care about in the Capitol, and I'm up against the freaking fourteen year-old king."

I couldn't help but be a little flattered, but also defensive.

"Marina you can still get sponsors, and it's not like that's what defines the games anyway," I offer, "And besides, you're a beautiful young woman I'm sure-"

"Just stop," she cut me off, now standing up straight and composed. I tried to find some more words but none came out, so I closed my mouth and watched her roll her eyes all the way back to her room.

"All I did was offer her some sugar," I mumbled, putting the jar back on the table. Garcia patted my hand and look at me sympathetically.

"But she's right, you know. The Capitol can never resist a pretty face. And you've got more than that and the charm to boot."

I pulled my hand away and tried to poke a little at the petit fours left for the tea, but I found my appetite was completely gone. "Excuse me," I murmured, then retreated to my room. My shower welcomed me with open arms. As I sat there in the hot water, I looked down at the string of shells Annie gave me before I left home. Though it was an odd gesture, I lifted it up to my nose and smelled it, picking up on the sweet, salty smell of the ocean. And all at once I missed home. I missed my mother and father, the fishing boat, running the docks with my friends, and yes, even Annie. I missed admiring her sister from afar too and wondering if Annie would ever look like her.

I don't think so.

But it sure would be nice to get home and see it for myself.

And then it really hit me that I could die. Only one of us was going to get out of that arena, so why am I an exception to that rule? More than likely I'm a dead man walking.

No. There's a world back home that I need to get back to. I don't know what it was, but something was pulling me back there like a rip tide and I knew I had no choice. I was going to have to play this game with every fiber of my being if I wanted out, if I ever wanted to see home again.

And if Marina thought I could do it with my looks, with flirting, than I would. It doesn't really matter how I win anyway, as long as I do win.

Or does it?

What would my family and friends think if I betrayed my allies, kissed the hands of strangers to get money, brutally murdered children and came out proud? What would my own mother think? And Marina's family, when I left her for dead? Her boyfriend, Ammon. And would I even still be Finnick? And if I wasn't, if I came out different, than what was the point of coming out at all really?

I stepped out of the shower and let the fan dry me off before putting on a pair of comfortable, loose cotton pants and resided myself to sit and stare out the window. Mags knocked lightly but didn't wait for an invitation to come in. She sat down across from me and stayed quiet for a while.

"Finnick," she said finally, cutting through the silence.

"Yes?"

"Do you like to fish?"

I looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "Of course."

"And how do you fish?"

"What do you mean?"

She took my hands and studied my palms, rubbing a lightly wrinkled finger over my calluses. "What do you use? I'm guessing a trident?"

I was impressed, "That's my favorite, at least. I'm very good at it."

She took my face in her hands and looked at me like a mother would. "Close your eyes."

I did.

"I want you to picture a tide pool with twenty-three fish. The ocean's raging so there's no going out to cast the nets. All you have to give the peacekeepers what they want is in that pool. If you don't provide any fish, you would be executed. Would you kill them?"

"Mags..."

"You would. Would you rather be the fish or the fisherman?"

"Whichever one lives Mags, don't you think this is a little childish?"

"Finnick, this is no different than skewering fish in a tiny pool. Either they die, or you do. You need to think like that."

I opened my eyes and looked at her, aghast, "It is different Mags, these aren't fish they're people!"

She smiled sadly and shook her head, patting my cheek, "Not to the rest of the Panem. There's millions of people out there, but twenty-four of you had the misfortune to be stuck in these games. If you die, the rest of the world moves on. If you live, you can help to move it."

She stood and started to leave, but added a last thought, "If you kill them quickly, there's honor in that. It's the only mercy you can show in that arena, to kill someone quickly. Maybe even when they don't see it coming, so that their last thoughts are on something else rather than dying. Just a thought."

And with that, she left. I continued to watch the world whizzing by, trying not to think. I guess it all boils down to the fact that someone has to come out, so if it isn't me it's going to be someone else and there's really no point in being a martyr. If I could, I'd try to remain a decent human being through the whole thing.

"Marina?" I called quietly, knocking on the door to her room.

"Come in, Finnick."

I obeyed but stayed in the doorway. She was sitting up in her bed, staring at the ceiling fan. "What do you want?"

I cleared my throat and shifted awkwardly, "Look, I know we shouldn't be friends because of...well the current circumstances really. But for what it's worth, I think you have a shot. And if not me, I would want you to be the victor."

She didn't look away from the fan, but managed a polite smile. "You really are smooth aren't you? Even your voice is just saturated in sex." She paused and then looked at me with flat eyes, "Thank you."

I looked down at my wrist and looked at Annie's bracelet. I suppose she'd be angry at me for what I was about to do, but it had to be done.

"Do you have a token?"

She shook her head.

"Here, then." I placed the string of shells on the desk by the door and then left quietly. Part of me really wishes I hadn't, but if I was going to be playing it tough and using my looks for a tool, than I couldn't be running around wearing a bracelet. It would look better on Marina anyway, perhaps Annie would understand.

That night I took something from the servants that said it would help me sleep and stayed in bed until the morning light reflected off the stunning Capitol and into my window.

We had arrived.