17

Secrets and a Resolution

"I have to go in for a visit to the Capitol tomorrow," I told my mother while hanging up the phone. "What are you doing?"

She hadn't cried since the funeral, but I couldn't help but feel like I had to walk on glass around her. She and my father had been together for twenty years, so this was not an easy adjustment. Now she was standing in her room, staring at a pile of clothes she made on the bed.

"I'm packing."

I walked in and leaned against the doorway. I could see a suitcase left open at her feet and raised my eyebrows. "Why?"

She picked a few dresses out of the mess and tossed them in the case. "I'm moving to a new house."

"Where?"

"Oh you know, the village you're aunt used to live in...the one where they hold that festival every two years."

"The one that's two hours away?"

She nodded and continued to toss clothes into the suitcase. I was a little confused, she never talked about moving before. "But..."

"I need to get out of here for a while, Finnick. That's all. I can't stand being here with everyone giving me sympathy and staring and whispering. And now his name is everywhere, I can't do it anymore. So I'm leaving."

I crossed my arms, "You think that this is a good idea?"

She sighed and kicked the suitcase shut with her foot, "Better than staying here."

I nodded but then caught her arm, "You know I can't go with you, right?"

She smiled and patted my cheek with her hand, "I know Sweetie. I'll see you soon, I promise."

My mother departed the next day, before I left for the Capitol again.

"Finnick, it's good to see you again. What's it been, like a month since our last visit?"

"Hello, Ivan."

"Oh tut, tut. Such a bitter tone. Sorry to hear about your father by the way. Stomach bug, was it?"

I looked at him coldly, "He was attacked by a shark."

Ivan pulled a few papers off his clipboard and started reading off of them, "Phillip Odair, forty-five. It says here he was sick before the attack, and according to a crewmate he went swimming to 'work out a cramp'. The autopsy seemed to show that your father started drowning before his injuries were inflicted, so I'm guessing he was pretty sick. All that extra thrashing probably brought that shark around."

I stared at the paper in his hands, "You know all that?"

He waved it with a smug grin, "That's what it says. Oh and I thought I should tell you your mother has arrived at her destination safely."

I blinked and then decided to ignore him. "Assignment?"

"Coca Templesmith. Here's her picture. You only have to spend one night with her, then you'll be spending two more with Estelle again. She liked you."

My insides shuddered, but I look the picture anyway and started for my room to be alone. Not that I was actually alone, apparently I never was.

"Ivan..." I froze at the door, "just how much do you know about me?"

He laughed his oily little laugh and flashed me one of his wry grins. "We know you've never kissed a girl outside those in the Capitol. We know you broke your ankle when you were four and we know you paid for some old woman's visit to the health center before your father died. We know who's names you say in your sleep...We know everything about you, Finnickboy."

He left and I stood there to let that soak in.

Am I ever going to have any secrets from the Capitol?

o-o-o

"Drink?" Estelle asked, pulling on her silk bathrobe. I shook my head and stared up at her painted ceiling. She poured one for herself and leaned against the vanity, "Well, I know you don't want any of my art..."

I sighed and sat up, making sure I was covered with the blanket. "Actually, there is something I want."

She perked up a bit and moved to the edge of the bed. "Then ask for it."

I leaned in closer to her, "A secret."

Estelle raised an eyebrow and bit her lip. "A secret?"

I nodded and directed all my allure I could at her.

Come on girl, bite.

"What kind of secret?"

I flashed her a sly smile and leaned in so I was whispering into her neck, "A delicious one."

Her eyes twinkled and I knew I had her hooked. She took a while to think and then pulled me up near the headboard, as if it were safer to tell me there.

"The reason why Snow never loses a campaign is because his candidates always just disappear. I don't know what happens, I just know they started paying me to make these billboards for the campaign, but gave me no political information what-so-ever. It's like, it's all for show. I could paint my own face on there and Snow's still going to win."

"Really?"

She leaned in confidentially, cupping her hand over her mouth as if that would make her words quieter, "I don't know anyone who's working on another campaign's adds. I have a friend who got paid not to make an add for another candidate."

There you go Snow. You want to take away my privacy? My entire life? Know every little thing about me and use it as a weapon? Fine, I'll play. Let's share secrets.

"Thank you, Estelle."

She smiled and kissed my nose, "Thank you. I've been bursting to tell that to someone for a year now."

From that day, secrets became my vice. Whenever I was called away to the Capitol, I wouldn't except their gold, their jewels, or any other tangible gifts. No, I slowly started striving for secrets. Some were of no importance to me, others were so shocking I was scared to know them. The more time I spent in the Capitol, the more I learned about the intrigues underneath the ridiculous, gilded society they lived in.

When I was home I would spend a lot of time working out a map of the corruption in my head. It distracted me from other things, which felt good for once. If I wasn't doing that, I was working out or fishing or swimming. Sometimes I saw my friends and would follow them around, but my mind was always somewhere else. Sometimes I'd see Annie and we would go to volunteer at the slums, but not as often as we used to, and we barely talked when we did. With all the scandal going on in the Capitol, I don't think she wanted to talk to me.

I learned about a time that Snow assigned a peacekeeper to a post in District Twelve so that he could sleep with the man's wife. I learned that Snow paid off the authorities to keep his niece from getting arrested for some sort of exotic illegal activity. I learned a lot about Snow's scandalous activities behind closed doors, but I've never even met the man outside the crowning ceremony. Other than him I learned about random Capitol citizens like Caesar Flickerman and how the government actually funds his plastic surgeries to keep him on the show. The more I knew, the better I felt about not having any secrets of my own. I didn't enjoy my new assignments, but getting my little biscuit at the end sweetened the deal of being completely wrought with shame and turbulent guilt.

It was getting cold outside, so I threw on a jacket and walked out onto the beach. I don't know what it was today, but something about the overcast sky and the odd gray light everywhere that drew me in. I walked mindlessly until my feet carried me back into the water on Annie's beach.

"Hey, Stranger."

Annie was in the water, floating on her back not far off the shore. She always seemed to be in these billowy white dresses that looked like the skirts of a jellyfish in the water. She lifted her head slightly, found me, then gave a short wave. I eased into the water and paddled up to her, trying not to shiver. "Aren't you cold?"

She looked a lot paler than usual. Probably a combination of the season, lighting, and cold. A few lingering freckles still clung to the bridge of her nose and cheeks. "A little," she sighed contently, waving her arms up and down. I dove underwater for a while to try and get used to it, but still couldn't bring myself to adjust.

"Annie, why are you floating around in the water when it's absolutely freezing?" I finally asked, popping up on the other side of her. It was too deep here to touch so I started kicking.

"You're not the only one with problems you don't talk about Finnick."

Well, that was uncalled for.

"What?"

"Forget it, I'm sorry."

I grabbed her hand and pulled for the shore, "No, come on. Tell me."

She straightened up and looked at me, as if trying to figure something out. "Pearl's cheating on Stephen and there's nothing I can do about it. And it doesn't help when Echo walks around acting like she's older than I am. Specifically today, I came here instead of fighting with my sisters because I don't want to fight. I don't want to seem ungrateful for everything Pearl's done, but sometimes it's hard not to say something that I know she should hear."

Well now I felt bad. All this time I relied on Annie to be there for me I took her completely for granted. Never once had I asked about her problems. "Annie, I'm sorry. I didn't know Pearl was cheating on Stephen...though I guess it doesn't surprise me."

Now she looked angry. "What does that mean?"

"No, not like that. I just mean that, well, so many men chased after her I'm just not surprised she's had the offers. I never took her for the marrying-young type, anyway."

Her eyes narrowed but then she shrugged, "No, I guess not."

"Why didn't you tell me before?" I asked after some time had passed. I don't know why everything I said seemed to make her angry, but this time was no different.

"I don't know Fin, maybe it's because we never actually talk. I give you your token before you went into an arena where your friend died in your arms and then you came out as the only survivor. Then you get sent back and start running around with a bunch of random girls, promise to tell me about it but never do. Then your father dies, your mother disappears, and you just completely vanish off the face of the earth. And you know, I really miss my friend, but you just haven't had the time. No, the most I've seen of you lately is on a television screen exchanging spit with some mutilated freak!"

"Annie, that's not fair..."

"No Fin! What's not fair is realizing that the whole time I thought we were actually friends, but you were just using me to make yourself feel better after selling your soul off to the Capitol."

"You have no idea what's going on with that."

"Then tell me! Fin, I don't get why you won't let me understand you. Nothing you have to say can really be that bad."

I looked at her for a second then decided to bite. Secrets were meant to be shared, right? I pulled her in so that the water was shallow enough for us to stand. "Annie, they make me sleep with all those girls."

Her eyes flickered and I could feel her whole disposition rear up, ready to tear into me. But I held up my hand before she could start. "They make me. I don't have a choice."

Now her face fell and there was the caring, concerned Annie I knew so well. "They make you? How? Oh my goodness...Fin...you're only what? Fifteen? Sixteen? That's disgusting!"

"Sh!" I hissed, covering her mouth. We couldn't criticize the Capitol like that, it was just asking for punishment. "They threaten me. If I don't do it, someone I love will wind up hurt, or dead."

She looked close to tears and put a hand over her mouth as soon as I took mine away. "That's horrible. But...I don't understand. Why? Why do they want you to do that with these girls?"

I shrugged, "I don't ask a lot of questions if I can avoid it. I've been told though I'm usually bought and paid for, sometimes a reward. How far I'm supposed to go is subjective to how much money they give President Snow or how large the deed was that they did. That's all I know."

I can't tell her the secrets. It's too dangerous; to say out loud and for her to know.

"I'm so sorry, Fin..."

Well, I was already pouring my heart out, so why not add the cherry topper?

"I think that's how my father died."

She creased her eyebrows and shook her head, "No...no your father bled to death. It had nothing to do with you."

I covered my face and shivered as the breeze froze the already cold droplets of water all over my back. "But he was complaining about feeling sick before he even got in the water. He was never sick. I think someone put poison in his food and he didn't know, so he went swimming. Then when it started taking more effect, he started drowning which attracted the shark..."

"That's ridiculous, there's no way that anyone could have known that shark was out there."

I looked at her and used the water as a table to draw out my points, "But they didn't have to. The poison could have taken him out, or the drowning would. They know we swim, it's in our nature in District Four. They just wanted to make it look like enough of a natural death to convince the public, but I think they knew I would see through it. They want to get to me...so they killed him."

"But, they had no reason to," she reasoned, "Did they?"

I ran my fingers through my hair miserably, "I don't know...maybe. I mean, the first time I went to Estelle's apartment, I didn't know what I was getting into."

"Estelle?"

"The dark haired one. She was my first, I guess you could say."

"You guess?"

"Well...she was dressed as Marina. Wait. Let me back up. The first time I went there, I had no idea what I was getting into. I thought I was just arm candy, that all I had to do was flirt and occasionally kiss a girl and take pictures. Then she came out dressed as Marina and tried to seduce me and I kind of freaked out...I mean I went through with it, so it's not like I didn't do what I was supposed to...but...I hesitated. And from what I've learned from people like Haymitch and Crabbe and Seeder, the Capitol doesn't take well to hesitation. I'm afraid that my father's death was their subtle warning, a way to torture me. Because there's no way I can know for sure that they did it, and yet...they might have. It's just turning me more into their slave than I was before."

Annie smiled sadly and shook her head again, "Fin, they didn't kill your father. You're tricking yourself. You did nothing wrong."

"But-"

"And even if they did," she intercepted, holding up her dripping hand, "then you driving yourself crazy thinking about it is just what they want. So prove them wrong, don't let it get to you."

I hung my head, "But Annie, it could be my fault he's dead."

She wrapped her arms around me and stroked my hair gently, "No. It's your fault he had a reason to live. Nevermind how he died."

Nice spin on words, Annie.

After a while we got out of the water but quickly found out it was way too cold to remain in our wet clothes. Because she didn't want to return to her house just yet, we ran to mine, our teeth ready to split with all the chattering. I gave her some clothes my mother left behind; not really her style but at least it was dry. I changed into long pants and a thickly woven shirt, then got to work on the fireplace. Annie came out in the baggy brown dress and sat on the sofa, holding her hands out to the warmth of the fire. I sat down next to her and put an arm around her shoulder to help warm the both of us up.

"So I'm guessing all my work on rebuilding your self-worth has gone down the tubes since this new development?" she asked with a hint of joke in her voice. I laughed and gave her a big nod for effect.

"I don't know what to do with myself. It's all so against everything I was raised for..."

She stared into the fire and then decided something and shrugged, "Well, if you don't have a choice I guess you're just going to have to accept it."

That wasn't exactly what I was expecting to hear. "How?"

"Well, if you keep thinking of...that kind of intimacy as an act of love, you're going to tear yourself to pieces. So I guess either you think of it as just an act of pleasure, or as an act of love in different regards. Like, it's not because you love Ester or Estelle or whatever that you slept with her, but because you love your friends and family; you want to protect them."

I laughed and shook my head, "Easier said than done. "

"Nah. You're not doing it because you love them, it's because you have to. Just don't treat it like a big deal..."

"Okay, okay Annie. I'll try."

We fell into silence after that, and my mind wandered off to the girl's I'd been with thus far. Estelle, Coca, Gianni, Sara, Mimi. Their faces circled around in my thoughts, their words bounced around in my ears. Could I separate myself from what I did with them? I guess I could. Maybe like the tributes in the arena, it's better if I just don't learn their names.

Eventually I came back to reality, and noticed it had gotten rather dark and Annie had fallen asleep on my shoulder, her wet hair soaking my shirt. The fire was struggling, making the house colder than when I first left it mentally. I scooted slowly out from underneath her so as not to wake her up, and then let her body fall limply into my arms. I scooped her up as easily as if she were a doll, and carried her into my mother's room where the bed had been freshly made in hopes of its owner's return. She fell effortlessly into the covered and sighed happily as she snuggled deep into the pillow. I grinned and tucked the blanket up over her shoulder, and then left her with a friendly kiss on the cheek.

Wasn't I supposed to be the one that protects the girl? The porcelain doll that nobody wants broken? And yet she constantly seemed to go right back to fixing me. I had to wonder though, if Pearl was busy now with Stephen and her other beaus, who was caring for Annie? Maybe it was time for me to be a better friend and show a little loyalty, a little guardianship.

I curled up into my own bed and let myself fall asleep, succumbing to the dreams I could never escape. But tonight they were fuzzy and weird, not the usual vivid gore I had grown accustom to. I'm pretty sure Annie was in there, floating around in her jellyfish dress underwater. Sometimes the water would glow. At one point I was swimming alongside the shark, though I'm not sure if I was trying to kill it. Another time Marina was there though her face with out of focus, and she kept painting on these masks and handing them to me. Weird, yes. Senseless, of course. But I'd take it over my nightmares any day.

Maybe that was it then. Maybe Annie's friendship was the healthiest thing for me. Whenever I shared a day with her, my nightmares didn't come. She made me purer, I think. So that next morning when I woke up, I opened my nightstand drawer and put on that shell bracelet she gave me a long time ago and then went to go make breakfast. Annie was my friend, possibly my most vital friend. And now I knew I had to do better for her sake, because I couldn't just take and not give. But I couldn't always work out time for her, I knew that. And when I couldn't, when I ran around on the television with all my flashy strangers, at least she'd see I was still holding on to the part of me that mattered; and it was tied right around my wrist for anyone to see.