Part 3
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Chapter 3

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All Illumi says is: "Okay."

You take a light breath, looking straight into the fire at the bed of ashes and cackling embers. You cannot bear to look Illumi in the eyes, for whatever reason, but would rather observe the flames as they dance innocently, as if they are not a thousand degrees Fahrenheit. You know you have to talk, though, because that is what you came to find Illumi for. So you mentally prepare yourself, taking solace in the flickering fire.

"I feel terrible about what I did," you say, voice vaguely underlined with caution. "I know I shouldn't have slept with Hisoka, but he told me that I shouldn't worry about you, and he comforted me. I couldn't help but give in."

You spare him a glance then, just to see if his placid features have changed. They have not.

It's like Illumi does not crave love in the same way that everyone else does. It's like he views love as something entirely separate from him. You examine his features, which are shaded a warm orange with firelight, as you wait for a response, which comes after a long while of thought.

"It is okay," he says. "Hisoka should not have manipulated us; definitely not you. Now I have no choice but to kill him."

What?

"Kill him? Isn't that a bit harsh?" you ask.

"Perhaps in your eyes, but not mine." He glances at you, almost forlorn, and then he changes the subject so fast that you feel like perhaps he's hiding something. "I cannot comprehend this feeling that I hold for you. It is completely foreign to me." He pauses. "If you want me to be honest, I should tell you that I think I actually love you. On the other hand, I may just hold an obsessive attachment to you after so many years of mentoring you. But I think it's love."

Your breath hitches.

Hearing the words come from his voice feels more uplifting than you thought they would. When Hisoka said that Illumi was incapable of caring for anyone but himself, you almost brushed it off as a lie. Of course, consideration of the notion stuck with you like glue to paper, but it was never real, and now it seems like the notion never existed at all.

"Whether you love me or not, that's up for you to decide," you say quietly.

He sighs a bit, leaning back. What is he feeling? You can never tell.

In actuality, Illumi is making decisions. He knows that when he met you, a feeling was planted in his heart. (Why is the heart the symbol of love? he wonders. It's the most vital and protected organ, yet one stab could lead to instantaneous death.) Now that feeling has grown into a thick, lively tree. Or perhaps it has only grown into a rose, one that loses a petal every time you smell like Hisoka.

"(Y/N)."

Again. Your heart skips a beat.

"I feel this desire for you to give me attention. Not Hisoka, or anyone else," he explains before looking away from you, examining the needle in his fingers. Where did that needle come from? "This feeling is foreign to me, and I cannot understand it, no matter how hard I try. It is constant confusion, but constant warmth—I feel both when I think about you."

He continues. "Yesterday night, Hisoka told me your job would be too dangerous for you to handle. That is why I stopped you."

"Oh." It comes out as a breath—hardly.

"I apologize for the way I acted in the alley." His eyes are softer now, but still cold as ice. "Hisoka's scent in your hair made me angry, for whatever reason."

"It's jealousy."

Illumi hums, raising a confused eyebrow at you.

"You don't want me to like him, and you don't want him to like me."

He looks away from you, so you assume he understands and go on with the conversation.

"You hurt me," you whisper, eyes burning as if tears are on the way.

"I only hurt you because I knew you could handle it." He blinks, eyes drawn back to you, his head tilting. "Do you think I actually wanted to hurt you?"

"...No, I guess not."

"You are lying."

"Well! You were mad at me! It would make sense if you wanted to hurt me."

"I was not mad at you."

"It sure as hell seemed like it!"

Illumi does not say anything. Then he stands up, very quickly.

"You can not love me," he says. "I am a Zoldyck, and I am your mentor, nothing more. For us to foster love between each other would be improper."

When your heart skips this time, it comes as a stabbing pain that lingers in your chest like a burn. Where is this coming from? "Wh... What?"

He leers down at you, his face suddenly dark, despite the firelight that twirls so warmly and romantically. "You will not love me."

Now you stand up. "What the hell are you saying? Who the fuck do you think I am?" you snap. "I didn't go through this conversation just so you could say oOh I'm a Zoldyck and I don't have a heart nah nah nah—"

"Stop that."

"No, you stop that!"

Illumi stares at you. You stare back.

"I don't care who you are," you say, calmer now. "Zoldyck or not, I've loved you for so long, and it has taken me almost 17 years to realize it. There is no way I'm going back to that ignorance."

Illumi's eyebrows rise, quite disturbingly. He takes a few steps towards you, each one making your heart throb. Once he's hardly a foot away from your face, he leans down and says, "In that case, you are a fool."

"No, you are the fool. You're the one who kissed me in the first place and started all of this."

"That was because I was unsure about my feelings," Illumi says, straightening again. He crosses his arms over his chest.

You stare at him for a moment. Is he still unsure of his feelings? Does he know whether he loves you or not? His demeanor is so flat and emotionless that you can't tell if he understands his own heart. He has been so wishy-washy lately—disappearing for a week, getting mad when you slept with Hisoka, telling you that you can't love him. So what does it all mean?

Maybe he loves you, but he does not want to. The thought makes your heart smolder with dread, so you take a deep breath and refocus on the present to avoid that feeling. Spiraling into conclusions won't help anything, but will only make you more emotional than you need to be.

"And now you want me to stop loving you?"

"Not want. Need."

"Why?"

"To prevent fatal error, of course." He says it as if it's as clear as day.

Just then, you make a decision and feel your stomach clench with nervous anticipation.

You take a step towards him, closing the remaining distance between your figures. Illumi does not move away when you reach your hands up and cup his face within them. And he remains still as you push up onto your tippie toes and plant a soft kiss on his lips. You linger there, but when you finally pull away, the fire is not enough to keep you warm. Illumi might not appear warm on the outside, but he is still only human; you need his heat.

"I'm sorry, (Y/N). We cannot do this."

Your hands are still on either side of his face. They slowly fall away, displaying the dejection that you feel, but then he grabs your wrists and squeezes them like they are his life line.

And, for a long time, the two of you stare at each other, until you start to cry, and then he embraces you as if he wants to stay with you forever.