Part 1
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Chapter 5

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You and Illumi stroll towards Yorknew City, taking your time with steady, small steps whereas Gon and Killua rushed off like their lives depended on it.

The scenery around you is bleak and lifeless, yet oddly aesthetic. Barren old buildings loom on either side of you, casting shadows on the dirty road as the sun begins to set over a messy orange streak of clouds.

"I don't assume Killua and Gon gained much information for their friend out of that excursion," Illumi said, voice and face blank.

You chuckle, even though his tone contains no humor. "I agree."

The two of you continue ambling in silence for a moment. Then Illumi starts more dialogue:

"You took a big risk when defending Killua. Don't do that again."

One of your eyebrows twinges upward. He is always so protective and cautious with you during training, so his words do not bring any surprise, just slight amusement and frustration; yin and yang feelings.

"But I'm still alive. And I saved your brother, didn't I?" you ask. "If I hadn't taken that risk, Killua would very well be dead."

"The only reason your plan worked is because Killua was smart enough to realize what you were doing." Illumi looks down at you, shadows warping his calculating brows. "If Feitan had moved to strike Gon instead and you went to protect him, you and Gon would have died. Killua is unnaturally bright, and you know that. He alone is the only reason you both survived."

Illumi's words make you vaguely angry. Don't you deserve some credit? Hell, you saved his brother's life! Gon's life, too! And with no reward; you helped Illumi purely out of good conscience.

You look up at him. His molten hair glistens in the evening sunlight, gently swishing with the breeze. You decide to nag him with words that you know will get inside of his thick, emotionless head.

"Does the thought of me dying bother you?"

Illumi glares at you.

You continue. "I'm just asking. Like, if Killua hadn't recognized my conditions, and Feitan's blade struck me, but left Killua alive, what—"

You are still finishing your sentence when, suddenly, you are shoved to the ground. You hardly have time to blink before blunt force knocks the wind out of you.

With a rough exhale, you recollect yourself, only to see Illumi hovering above you. You could not get up even if you wanted to; Illumi has his hands on your shoulders, pinning you to the ground.

A bit of black hair falls out from behind his ear, brushing the side of your cheek. "Do not get smart with me, (Y/N)."

Illumi's eyes look empty. Soulless. Just like they always do. His face is aimed at you, but angled upward so that the dim sunlight shades the creases and dips on his pale features, darkening his benign expression with malice.

"It was a genuine question," you blurt, feeling frustration build in your chest.

Hisoka's words ring through your ears. "...he is incapable of caring about you like you care about him."

Illumi's eyes widen as if he is challenging you.

You take a breath, eyes tearing up a bit. Your back hurts from Illumi knocking you to the ground, your Nen is drained, and you are vexed because of this detatched pincushion of a man and his inability to answer your damn question.

"Do you care about me?"

Your voice breaks during the question, emphasizing the seriousness in your words. Illumi makes a sound, clearly abashed.

"That's a stupid question," he says, but he does not move. His knees remain planted on the ground, straddling your hips. Both of his hands grip your shoulders just a little bit harder. "I refuse to feed into this foolishness."

"Answer the question."

"No!"

"Is that your answer?"

Illumi's expression now holds true emotion. His face clearly is not used to it, for his eyebrows and lips are spazzing out. "No, that is not my answer!"

"Then what is your answer?"

Illumi raises a hand off of your shoulder and slaps you across your face.

Lightning. That is the only word you can think of to describe what it feels like to be hit, in the face, by Illumi Zoldyck. It was not a hard slap, but it was enough to make your cheek sting for a second.

Then he kisses you. Again, lightning. Time freezes, and you are sucked into a moment of passion of skin against skin. It feels as though a dam has burst inside of your heart, and all the feelings you wished you could express are now pouring out, directly into Illumi's lips.

When he pulls away, you can see thoughts swirling in his black orbs of eyes.

A moment of tense silence settles in the air between your faces. His eyes remain trained on yours; you are the target, and he is the needle.

You do not get a single word in before Illumi stands up.

He holds a hand out to help you up. You ignore it, being fully capable of standing up on your own, thank you very much.

You brush yourself off, then turn and walk away, fully expecting Illumi to continue walking beside you without another word.

"It seems like you are mad at me."

You stop.

When you swivel around to glare at him, your eyes are shining with frustrated confusion.

"Yeah, I am mad! You hit me!"

His head tilts to the left, the gesture in likeness to a bird. "Only because you were being stupid. I did it to knock some sense into you."

"How was I the one being stupid?!"

Illumi huffs, seemingly distressed that you don't understand. "Caring about others is an unwise and unnecessary burden. You should not put yourself in positions of vulnerability by getting emotionally attached to someone." His voice is flat, and his face his blank. As always. "That is why I hit you. To teach you not to care."

"But I do care?"

"Then stop!"

This time, he actually yelled. His hands clench into fists at his sides, displaying the toil in his chest that you can not see.

Maybe he is more mad at himself than he is at you. The thought itself causes your heart to tremble. 

You stand still.

Your stillness draws out longer than you want it to. Illumi starts walking again, his eyes trained ahead. He brushes past you, focused on getting to his destination.

You do not say anything, just turn and follow him, staying 5 paces behind his towering figure. He does not turn around to check on you once.

///

Hisoka, Killua and Gon are sitting in a booth at the edge of the restaurant, peacefully chatting—well, Killua and Gon are peacefully chatting, but Hisoka is staring at them with that irksome smirk on his lips.

You and Illumi approach the table. The restaurant is nearly silent, save for the gentle clanking of metal against porcelain and some hushed conversations. The place is well-lit due to several homey, yellow over-head lights.

You smile at the sight of them.

When Gon sees you, his eyes brighten and a grin breaks out over his sweet face. "(Y/N)!" he shouts, jumping up from his seat.

The quietness of the restaurant shatters as the boy runs up to you and engulfs you in a huge, warm hug. The contact makes you feel strangely loved. "Thank you!" he says into your chest, the warm wetness of tears soaking through your clothes. "You saved our lives!"

Behind Gon, Killua stands with his hands tucked loosely in his pockets. "Yeah. You really helped us out back there," he says, but his voice is thin. His blue eyes flicker between you and his big brother warily. Perhaps he is wondering why Illumi asked you for help in the first place. Killua does not know that Illumi wanted you to get them out due to his and Hisoka's emotional attachments.

You shake your head politely at Killua, hoping it will help him relax. It does not. "Well, I couldn't have saved you if you hadn't figured out what to say on the spot. That was amazing," you say with honesty.

Illumi turns to look at you.

"I will be leaving now. I have something to take care of tonight," he says.

You do not look at him, and nobody else says anything, so he turns and leaves the restaurant.

Once Illumi is gone, Killua sighs with visible relief, but is otherwise silent. Gon has yet to detach himself from you, so you give the boy a soft pat on the head. His spiked-up hair bounces back as if you had not even touched it.

"I wish I had been there to see all the action," Hisoka pouts. He is still sitting at the table, flicking the ace of spades between pale, sharp fingers. He sighs. "But Illumi had to go and steal my spotlight."

Gon pulls away from you then, wiping tears from his golden brown eyes. He and Killua sit back down on their side of the booth and you slide in daintily next to Hisoka. Your movements have been slick and inconspicuous since Illumi started training you to be a better assassin.

"Why didn't you just go in yourself? Illumi didn't have to disguise himself as you," you ask Hisoka.

Your words only make Hisoka's beguiling smirk widen.

"Well, Illumi wanted to be the one to lead you to Gon and Killua," he says, flicking his card up into the air, then catching it smoothly. His eyes are trained on the slip of plastic. "Plus, he has much more self-control than me. If Feitan made a move to attack Gon... I don't know if I could have contained myself."

You let yourself examine the magician's features. They look less frightening now than they did on the day you met him. You realize that he just looks like he is constantly teasing everyone. Only sometimes does he actually want to kill them.

"Well, Illumi did end up killing Feitan," you inform him. "But that was after I defended Killua from one of his attacks."

"That blue shield was so cool!" Gon interrupts, grinning. "How did you do it?"

Your eyes widen, then you blush a tad. "With a folding fan, but it really wasn't that cool—"

"Yes it was! Everything you did was awesome! Right, Killua?"

Killua was staring out the window. "Huh, what?" His head swivels towards Gon.

You tune them out as they proceed to bicker. Eyes studying the grain on the table, you think about what happened with Illumi earlier—what did any of his words and actions mean? Did he care about you, or not? Was the kiss for himself or just a 'pity kiss'? You are dying to know what is going on inside of his head.

"Something on your mind?"

You look up at Hisoka. He licks his lips. A generic movement. It is then, as Hisoka is breaking you out of your thoughts, that you realize the boys are missing.

"Um. Where did Gon and Killua go?" you ask, gesturing at the empty booth in front of you.

"They went to go ask the chefs how they make créme brûlée. It's funny, the sort of stuff those two find amusing."

His cat-like eyes are narrowed to slits, watching you as if you are a ball of yarn. "I answered your question, so answer mine," he persists.

You scratch the back of your neck. "Yeah, I guess something's on my mind." Hisoka looks at his fingernails. "It doesn't really ma—"

"Illumi, I presume?"

You pause, mouth slightly ajar.

Hisoka chuckles, his smirk curving at one edge. "It's okay, I won't judge you. He is quite a handsome man, I must say. But I'm sure you remember what I told you earlier." He raises a brow at you.

You nod a bit, looking away from his scrutinizing gaze and down at your lap.

Questions about what happened as you were leaving the Troupe's hideout remain frozen in your mind, each question a dew drop clinging to the tip of a blade of grass.

Maybe, if you tell Hisoka what Illumi did, he could give you some answers.