(A/N: This chapter is a bit long so grab a snack and settle down!

I also explain how your Nen abilities work during one of the memories about Illumi hehehe. )

Part 1
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Chapter 3

///

"I... excuse me?"

Hisoka chuckles. He's still walking towards you with slow ease, expression full of what you think is spiteful prepense. He is ready to question and challenge your deepest desires.

"You love him, don't you?"

Your eyes widen, and your heart palipitates.

No, you don't. Or do you? There is no correct answer to his question.

You stare up at Hisoka, your face growing red. He does not stop walking closer, which only makes your stomach clench harder.

Damnit, the clown has me cornered.

///

Memory #1

"Focus on keeping yourself alive. If I was an enemy, I could easily kill you without a second thought," Illumi says, heinous black eyes hiding all emotions from your observation. "Stay on defense. Offense is futile."

At the moment, you and Illumi are training by simulating a step-by-step fight between the two of you as if he is your enemy. Illumi wants you to focus on defense and find a way to escape the 'situation' rather than fight him back. That is what he would want you to do if you were to actually fight someone stronger than yourself.

You grit your teeth and widen your stance, then whip out your red Japanese folding fan, ready to take defense, but also ready to attack if you get the chance.

You have four Japanese folding fans, each made from Nen. The red one is like a knife, but far stronger. Depending on how much aura you use, your simple red paper fan can cut through steel, or objects of even stronger material. This fan has no condition.

The blue fan is a shield, but it only works under a few conditions. To use this fan, you must be protecting both you and one other person. You must say "I love you," to the other person, and they must say it back. In return, the fan creates a nearly unbreakable spherical shield around you and the other person that would be much weaker without the conditions. You cannot use the shield on yourself alone.

The yellow fan is just an enhanced paper fan with a very sharp, and lethally poisoned, edge. Like the red fan, the yellow fan has no condition because the poison on its edge is not Nen poison, so it is strong either way.

The green fan, when projected towards the enemy like a boomerang, can deconstruct into a paper rope and wrap the enemy up into a trap. This one does have a condition, but it is not as extensive as the blue's condition; this fan is only strong when the person you are fighting has harmed (or killed) someone you know on a full name basis. You must say, "You hurt (person's full name)," and the enemy must give verbal confirmation. If these conditions are met, your rope trap becomes nearly unbreakable, like the shield.

"I'm going to attack you now," Illumi says.

"Bring it on, pincushion."

Illumi darts towards you with the speed of a trained assassin. He holds his left hand up, as if to strike your chest or throat, but you know it is a feint. At the last second, he's going to punch me in my left side with his right hand, you think.

But what if it is not a feint? You have to prepare for both. You step to your right, bracing both arms in front of your chest with the fan pointed towards your side. If he tries to punch your side like you think he will, you can slice off his wrist.

Illumi does neither. Instead, he slides to his left (your right) at the last second. This action lands him just slightly off to your right, which is wide open. Your eyes widen as he lands a swift chop on your side.

You skid to the left, keeping your feet dug into the dirt below to maintain balance. His attack wasn't too forceful, but it hurt.

After a deep recovery breath, you frown at Illumi. "Why do you always want me to play defense when we're training?" you ask him.

"Because you are not strong enough to attack any of your enemies, let alone me."

That is a lie. It has to be. You have been training for years. Illumi stands still for a moment, knowing that you would hesitate with offended surprise at his words. He is not actually your enemy, so he does not take advantage of your hesitation.

How could he say that? Does he really think you are weak? Almost four years of hard training with him have passed. Sure, none of your attacks are mastered, but...

"I might be better at attacking if you didn't always advise me to run and hide."

An inwardly horrifying expression seeps over Illumi's face. His dramatically arched eyebrows rise, and shadows fall into the nooks of his pale features, making it look as though he is staring into your soul, forcing your will to disintegrate.

"You always will run and hide."

///

Hisoka's amber eyes feel like twin spotlights, forcing anxiety upon your heart.

"I... I don't know," you say in response to his question.

Suddenly, you are remembering every scenario that makes you think you might love Illumi. His opinion matters to you. He is attractive, in your eyes. You value his life. He trained you so you weren't an utter weakling; he made you strong.

"I think you do know, (Y/N), darling. I think we both know."

Somehow, Hisoka has stepped close enough to be within arm's reach of you. Looking up at his sly eyes, you feel your lips part, but no sound comes out.

///

Memory #2

Illumi is on your last nerve.

"Would you just... shut up?" you snap.

A moment of silence. Illumi's flat expression does not change in the slightest, which makes you think he does not care about your outburst.

You continue, "Stop telling me what I can and can't do, okay? You're not my fucking dad, you're my trainer! You didn't give me life!"

Illumi does nothing.

"You are literally just some fucking dude who ran into me at a job and started training me! What makes you think I have to obey your every command?"

You can feel your aura sparking and shifting around your figure. Despite the warm, dull yellow blaze of the ceiling lights, your hotel room is dark. This room is smaller than your last one, and since you are always switching between hotels, it still feels foreign.

"I made you who you are, (Y/N)," Illumi says. "You are correct in saying that I did not give you life, but you fail to realize that you owe it to me."

There is a pang of wounded shock in your chest, but only the widening of your eyes shows it.

Illumi smiles ever so slightly, but it is dark—dangerous. "I introduced you to Nen and new assassination techniques. I made you strong. I allowed you to form a name for yourself."

Your hands clench into fists. This is the first time you've ever actually gotten pissed at Illumi, even though he is right.

"I could have killed you that night and left you to rot, but I did not. Want to know why I did not?"

You say nothing.

"There are two reasons. The first reason I didn't kill you is because it would have wasted my time—"

"FUCK YOU!" you shriek before darting towards him. Within a fraction of a second, your red fan materializes in your hand. You prepare to cut Illumi at the throat.

Illumi easily raises a hand and forcefully shoves you aside. You fly into the wall with a crash, then sink down to the ground. Bits of drywall crumble to the floor around you. Even now, as you struggle to push yourself to your feet from his blow, you know the hit did not contain his full strength.

He lets you rise to your feet before he starts talking again.

"You did not let me finish—"

Shock causes Illumi's words to cease.

You had shoved all your aura into your red fan, making it incredibly sharp. Then you threw it at Illumi with as much speed as you could without making the fan burst into flames midair. You sent the attack before he realized what was happening, which is really a complement towards your attack speed.

The fan glided across the side of his throat, just barely missing his jugular, but slicing his skin nonetheless. It was an intentional miss.

Illumi stands frozen for a couple of seconds. Your fan lands in the wall behind him until you will it away, reabsorbing the fan's Nen.

But then, in less than a millisecond, Illumi is standing right in front of you. He pushes you against the collapsing drywall with enough force to knock you out, but you expected the move and use your Nen to absorb the force so you remain unharmed. The drywall miraculously does not completely fall apart.

Illumi shoves his hands against your arms. He straddles your feet with his own.

You are trapped.

Illumi stares down at you, darkness in his eyes. Blood seeps from his throat wound, but he does not seem to notice, or care.

The air seems to freeze around your bodies.

"Don't ever do that again."

You swallow, scared to silence, but also slightly excited (to your dismay).

Illumi's eyes glisten darkly. "Do you understand my words?"

///

Hisoka places a finger under your chin. His touch is gentle; you have never felt one like it before. Your childhood was full of lonely coldness, even from Illumi.

Hisoka tilts your head upwards so your whole face is aimed up at his, then he takes his time leaning even closer. "Why do you love him, (Y/N)?" he inquires. "He treats you horribly. He's an emotionless monster."

Despite the cruelty on the surface of Hisoka's words, you know that they are nothing but true. That is how the truth bites: it is creul.

Your stomach twists. "He cares about me," you say. Your voice is slightly shaken because Hisoka is so close and his smirk is so seductive and his eyes are so narrow, yet so caring. Maybe it is just a facade to get you to open up.

"And what makes you think that?"

///

Memory #2, cont.

"Yes. I understand."

Illumi scoffs ever-so-slightly. He leans down and positions his face right next to yours. Buried in your hair, Illumi inclines his lips towards your ear and whispers, "Training you has been a much larger waste of my time. I should have just killed you then, but I find myself thankful that I did not."

Stuck in place against the wall and Illumi's figure, you feel something in your chest flutter. It was a complement.

"Why be thankful now?" you muster.

"That's another conversation for another day."

Huh. Well. You pause, thinking your next words over.

You ask, "If you knew training me would be a bigger waste of your time than killing me, why didn't you chose the latter in the beginning?"

Illumi sighs gently, the gesture producing a warm breeze on the side of your face.

"The second reason I didn't kill you was because..." He inhales calmly. "Because you were so beautiful and so full of potential that I simply could not bring myself to do it."

///

"I just know he does," you mutter. "I don't need exact proof."

Hisoka chuckles. He does not draw his hand away from your face, but instead slowly drags it up your cheek, towards your eye. A blush floods your skin.

This feels wrong.

You start to pull away, but in an instant, Hisoka has your face squeezed hard between his fingers.

"Don't pull away from me, (Y/N)."

Why is he doing this? you think. There is no point to this conversation. Neither of us will gain anything.

Hisoka sighs, then lets go of your face. His signature smirk has fallen a bit, which makes you curious.

"I'm sure you're wondering why I brought this up in the first place," he says, as if he read your mind.

"I am," you confirm.

"Well." Hisoka looks at you once again, then looks away. "It's because I have some advice for you."

Your head tilts slightly to the left.

"Illumi is a dangerous, soulless man," Hisoka says. His smirk is completely gone now, replaced with a dull, flat line. "His love is deformed and cruel. My only advice is that you learn to care about him a lot less than you do, because he is incapable of caring about you like you care about him."