"But dad, I—" Raph's shoulders fell as he watched his father sit back down in his chair in front of the television. Sure that Splinter was no longer listening, he murmured: "I just don't get why you made Leon leader now. After all that I did, all the effort, all the work I had to do just to get my brothers to think of me as leader. Let alone listen to me, which I guess, they never really ended up doing." He sighed. "I guess you were right all along, pops. I'm not cut out for it. Leon will prolly be a better leader than I ever was." Raph went to leave the room, but his father's voice called him back.

"That is not why I made Blue leader." He sighed, turning off his beloved 5 o'clock commercials and facing his largest turtle son. "Raphael..."

The turtle straightened rather stiffly when his dad used his full name. He tripped a little over his own feet when Splinter tugged him down so that they were at near eye-level.

"I made Leonardo leader, because your entire life has revolved around your family. Particularly your brothers. Under your leadership, you and your brothers helped accomplish something our family had not previously thought possible: the final defeat of the Shredder. You see, my son...you have always been my opposite. I was foolish. In my life as a human I sought only glory and fame—in other words, I was selfish. Even in my early life, I strove not to have my family's legacy define me. I learned that family will always be a part of who we become, even if we do not choose it."

Raph's fists tightened. "Dad, what does any of that have to do with me?"

"Where I was selfish, you were selfless. Your entire life, much of your identity, your very understanding of the world revolves around your brothers. Keeping 'tabs' on them, looking out for them, watching their backs. And that is all very admirable, my son."

With a sigh of frustration, Raph finally fell to his knees and let his shoulders fall. "Master Splinter, I still don't understand."

Splinter rushed forward and hugged him. Raph was so stunned his brain stalled. He wasn't sure what he felt. Frustration, guilt, embarrassment, and confusion all stirred inside him. For the first time in his life, he didn't hug his father back.

"I made Blue leader to give you a chance to find yourself. You have spent so much of your life supporting your little brothers on their journeys toward the turtles they have become. It is high time you learn who you are going to become."

His heart pounding behind his plastron, Raph stared at nothing. He was only vaguely aware of his dad's arms around him and of his own slowly reaching up to return the embrace. His mind slammed him over and over with the same question: Who are you?

I'm Raph. I'm the—I was the leader. Was that all that I was? There's gotta be more than that. I'm the big guy, the big brother, the one who likes hitting stuff, the one who calls the shots—except I don't anymore. Wait a minute—

Splinter pulled out of the hug, feeling optimistic, but when he saw the look on Raph's face his smile faded. His son spoke before he could open his mouth.

"I need to think. I'll be in my room."

Raph left Splinter's tv corner and swept silently out into the living area.

Michel, Don and Leon were smiling and chatting. They had all their gear. It was Leon who called out to him.

"Hey Raph, you're just in time! We're gonna go to the Underground City. Grab some pizza at Señor Hueso's! Get your gear."

"No." It took him about thirty seconds to realize that they were all staring at him with confused and anxious faces. He took a deep breath. "You guys go ahead. I've got some stuff of my own to deal with."

Leo looked more concerned than ever. He glanced from Raph to their little brothers and back again. "You sure about that, big guy? You know how you get when we're gone—all worried and stuff. You want one of us to stay here, just so you won't be alone?"

For the first time ever, Raph's mind rebelled at the thought of his brothers being around and he found himself saying: "No! I'm sure, Leon. I think I need some me-time."

Blue straightened up, his mouth opening and closing a few times reminding Raph of the time Splinter's goldfish kept trying to swim out the sides of the bowl. He seemed lost for words. Apparently, this was a night of many firsts. Suddenly he returned to himself and pressed his fingers together, humming thoughtfully. "Donnie, scan Raph."

For some reason, this rubbed Raph's spikes the wrong way. He irritably let out a sound of protest, but Donnie's scanner was already running its beams over him.

Don looked at the scans and reported, "Normal."

"I could have told you that!" Raph snapped.

"Raph, I just—" Leon began, but Raph cut him off.

"You know, Blue, you could just trust me. I trusted you." Raph started down the hall to his room.

The blue-masked turtle recoiled as though struck, then began to follow his brother. "Raph! I'm sorry."

Raph paused midstep and flung a brief glance over his shoulder at them. Leo wasn't putting on any of his fake airs and graces, no watering eyes, no puppy dog pout. Just an honest, forthright expression of remorse. Out of the corner of his eye, Raph saw Mikey clinging nervously to the back of Donnie's shell. He grinned weakly, suddenly feeling extremely tired and said, "Yeah, thanks Leo."

"And I do trust you. I always have." Leo glomped Raph, trying and failing to wrap his arms around his large, spiky brother.

Raph returned the hug softly. When they pulled away Leo said, "You're sure you don't wanna come with?"

"Nah. I still have a lot to think about."

Leo looked nervous again. "We're cool, right?"

Chuckling, Raph gave his brother an affection pat on the back that almost sent the blue-masked turtle flying. "Yeah, we're cool. Like I said before, I just got some of my own stuff to deal with right now."

"Okay. Well you just let us know if we can help."

Raph scoffed a little, but after a moment of reflection, accepted the offer with a grateful nod. He watched his brothers head out into the sewer tunnels, then he went to his room. It was, by far the shabbiest of all of their rooms. As he looked around, he realized just how bare bones it really was. A single light bulb hanging from a single wire from the ceiling, a pile of old mattress, perfectly indented for cushioning his giant, spiky shell, and a tiny nightstand where he plugged his phone in at night. Other than that, the room was basically empty. Raph had always hated being alone, so almost all of his stuff, like his weights, his punching bag, and other belongings, he kept in the main room where he could use them surrounded by his family.

Splinter had said that he needed to find out who he was and who he would become, and that he should take time for himself and do things that he wanted to do. Maybe creating a room full of things that he liked, a space where he could be comfortable being alone would be a good place to start. Struck by this idea, he took out his cell phone and called the one person he felt he could ask for help on something like this.