noun ~ a deeply distressing or disturbing experience

Once again, I found myself stood outside Kate's office, Phoenix hyping me up. Shakily I nodded, and he opened the door to guide me in. I quietly thanked him, wringing my hands together as I saw the set-up for the appointment. Kate was stood clicking on a computer that had different attachments and leads coming from it. I gulped when I eyed the ultrasound machine, the inevitable was unavoidable.

"Hello Alpha, Luna." She suddenly greeted, stepping away from the machine. "Come on in. Nova, if you could hop on the bed, Alpha please take a seat beside her. We will get this out of the way, I can see how nervous you are."

I nodded with a hesitant smile and Phoenix's hand pushed me forwards. I staggered, much like a child refusing to go to school. My shaky feet found their way to the bed and I pulled myself onto it, swinging my legs down the side nervously. My hands lay in my lap, my fingers picking at the skin as I chewed on my lip.

I hated being examined, my mind flashed with the numerous times it has happened, going as far as I remember. Once I must have been no older than seven, and had been poked with all kinds of needles, and then when I had my first menstrual cycle; that one haunted me the most. I felt sick as I tried to fight the memories away, the cool hands of the doctors touching me all over, forcing me on a table and giving me medication.

The warmth of Phoenix's hand grasped mine and my eyes darted up to him. His eyebrows were furrowed as he scanned my face, no doubt feeling the mixed emotions in my mind. But I knew which one was concerning him; that was the raw fear. The unsolicited kind, not given from the current situation.

I swallowed, squeezing his hand in mine in acceptance of his help. His thumb rubbed a small line into my skin, the harshness of his skin distracting me for a moment.

"Okay Nova, I will explain what I am going to do, and then I will keep you updated as I do the scan. Okay?" Kate explained, pulling on gloves.

I clenched my teeth briefly as I nodded. "Okay..."

"Great, if you'll just lie back, pull up your shirt to your ribs and roll down your bottoms to just below your pubic line." She smiled before turning back to the machine.

I did as I was asked, my hands shaking as I laid myself down. Once I was ready, she placed some warm gel kind of substance on my lower stomach before tapping a few buttons on her screen. A strange picture came up before she lightly pressed the wand into the gel, smoothing it over my stomach. I automatically clutched harder at Phoenix's hand, startling myself that something bad was going to happen.

"Oh, I'm sorry Nova. I didn't mean to scare you." Kate apologised.

"It's okay... I just don't have the best...experiences with ultrasounds." I muttered, casting my eyes away.

I felt Phoenix's hand tighten, his body tensing. I could feel his questioning gaze on the side of my face and I swallowed down the lump in my throat. I tried my hardest to block out my past trauma. All of the things I never realised were bad, even though they scarred me both mentally and physically. I had thought it was normal; to be made to an ultrasound so young, to be touched and scanned in places no one had ever gone. I had been terrified, sore and unable to sleep for a few days but I had been told every female had the same treatment. The male doctor did not help, he terrified me.

I realise now, since I am in a comfortable environment, how wrong that was.

"Okay, so I'm just going to move it around a bit Nova, I may have to put some pressure on and it may cause soreness afterwards. Sometimes, depending on the angle of your pelvic bone and your uterus it can be hard to get a good shot." Kate explained as the machine flickered to life.

We were met with a black and grey screen, white splodges covering random areas. It all blurred together, the centre of it lit up. I never got to watch the screen before; so it was interesting to see the smudges making shapes as Kate moved the wand around my stomach.

"So, I am currently looking at how well your...walls are, your cervix and womb. Everything looks good, I see no sign of fibroids or endometriosis so far..." She mumbled, the wand slowly moving along my stomach.

I stayed silent, Phoenix quiet beside me as we watched the screen. I couldn't relax my muscles and forced myself to take even breaths.

"I'm just looking for your ovaries now..." She muttered, deep in thought.

She must've found what she was looking for as she began to take some screenshots, moving the wand at angles rather than across my skin. I couldn't make out what I saw; merely black splodges on the screen.

"This ovary looks good, no sign of tumour growth or anything, plenty of eggs from what I can see. Healthy." She smiled, glancing at me briefly.

She continued, moving to find the other, and repeated the same process again. I found myself chewing on my lip, terrified that something else may be wrong with me. Even though I didn't want any children right now, the thought that something could be wrong, that could prevent my future opportunity was terrifying. My stomach churned, my mouth feeling dry as I waited for her to finish. I wanted out of here, I wanted to go back to my room, to my bed and pretend this was not happening.

Kate hummed, seeming satisfied whilst I waited in silent anticipation. It wasn't until she removed the wand from my skin, did I realise how tense I was. It was like the wand was forcing me into the bed, pinning me down. I reminded my muscles to unclench and adjusted my spine to relax.

"Okay, so everything is honestly fine. There is nothing wrong that I can see, you're in good health Nova." She smiled, handing me some blue paper towel to clean with.

I felt the whoosh of air leave me at her words, my hand loosening the harsh clench it had on Phoenix's. I heard him inhale deeply from beside me, and turned to look up at him. He gave me a soft smile, lifting my hand to kiss, before releasing it so I could get clean.

"So, everything is good?" Phoenix asked.

She nodded, turning to face us. "All good. Nothing out of the ordinary. There is no need to be worried, you can relax now."

"So, what do you reckon is preventing the cycle?" I wondered.

She hummed, taking the dirty towels from me to place in the bin. Phoenix helped me sit, even though I didn't need it and I sat opposite her, my feet hanging over the edge again.

"I think it is just your body needing time to adjust after being on birth control for so long." She shrugged. "Since you tend to have more human complexities than a wolf, and going by the fact I don't know enough on Lycan health...I'd say it's just your body needing time to regulate a cycle. As soon as you bleed, let me know and we can figure something out. If all goes well, and you're both ready, we can figure out your ovulation cycle too."

I blushed, licking my lips nervously. "Thank you."

She smiled, her hand moving to hold her stomach. "Of course, children will come to you. I know they will."

As if realising what she was doing, she moved her hand and cast a glance at Phoenix. He was already watching, having caught onto it and raised an eyebrow at her sudden jumpiness. She cleared her throat, her tension immediately filling up the room.

"Does your husband know yet?" Phoenix suddenly asked.

She blinked furiously, "A-Alpha?"

"That you're having a baby." He leaned back in his chair. "Have you told him? He's been working a lot lately so I wondered..."

She licked her lips, shaking her head. "Yes, he does. I told him... how did you..."

He smirked. "I couldn't smell it the other day, but I can now. Plus, my mate tends to forget to close her mind."

My eyes widened in surprise as I tensed. Sugar, he had heard me?

Sure did. He chuckled making my cough back a squeal.

"I'm sorry I didn't inform you Alpha... I know... I know children aren't exactly accepted here and... I admit I was scared."

My heart ached for her, as she almost shook beneath her Alpha's heavy gaze. The silence was deafening, as we all awaited Phoenix's reply. His eyes turned to me, but I remained mutual, trying hard to bite back the begging I was about to do for Kate. I wanted to see what he had to say first before I talked some crap.

"I understand." He nodded, his body sagging and releasing its tension. "You do not need to worry; the pack is changing. You are welcome to live here, to raise your child. It will be nice to... to have children around."

I couldn't hide my grin as he said this, my heart stuttering in my chest. He was accepting his old flaws and changing his pack. I felt happy he was so open and caring to accept children. He was slowly changing and losing his harsh attitude around his pack members and I loved it.

"Really?" Kate breathed.

Phoenix nodded, smiling gently at her. "Of course, when you are ready to announce it, if you want, let me know and I will set anyone straight."

Kate breathed a laugh. "Thank you, Alpha."

He shook his head, "You are the best doctor, and a family friend Kate. You may not be able to shift into a wolf but you are a part of this pack too. I know how badly you both wanted children, surprises come in all sizes."

I smiled gently when his eyes caught mine, looking away with a faint smile as Kate's breathing increased in pace. He stood slowly, cracking his fingers when his hands clenched and Kate copied the motion, jumping from her seat.

"Well, thank you, again." She bowed her head. "There is nothing more needed here, just go about your regular duties."

We all laughed lightly, and just as I went to jump down from the high bed, Phoenix had picked me up. I squealed, my hands smacking against his chest as he scooped me up. He thanked Kate in the process of walking me out, giving me a small opportunity of goodbyes. The door closed on her grinning face, her excitement obvious.

"Why am I being carried?" I wondered, crossing my arms as we walked out of the hospital. "I have two legs that are capable of walking."

He chuckled, the deep rumble louder at our proximity. "I like it. Plus... I was feeling a lot of strange things from you in there, and Ares seems to understand more than me... and he is telling me to hold you close, so here I am."

My laughter faltered, trailing off from his light-hearted joke. I swallowed, knowing I would have to speak about it since he caught onto a few things in there, and what he just said seemed like an invitation...

We were outside, walking down an empty path back to the packhouse.

I sighed, dropping my eyes to the trees beyond my feet. "They would monitor me when I first got my period. They would... do it internally with the machine... But they would do other things, that I didn't want to happen... I don't want to bring the bad memories back, so... for now... I guess..."

His deep growl filled the end of my sentence, my body deflated in his arms as his arms clutched around me. His head fell into my hair, inhaling before kissing my scalp. I felt safe, tilting my head under his chin as he walked the rest of the way home.

"It's okay, I understand what you are implying." He grumbled and I enjoyed the sound of his voice vibrating through his chest. "I want to kill the entire pack, Nova. I would happily go right now and do it."

My hand raised to settle on his heart, feeling its rapid pacing beneath his shirt. "It's okay. I could've fought harder, should've refused them more. I never even told my parents... I thought everyone had it happen. I guess that's why I was put on birth control."

He growled again. "Not helping."

I breathed a laugh, "Hey, remember what you said...? About if it's meant to be it will be? They'll get their karma, one day Phoenix."

"I can always speed up the process." He grunted.

I knew he was too far gone to change his mind, so settled on a gentle hum of a laugh to ease the tension. I listened to his heartbeat in his chest, sighing in satisfaction. I closed my eyes briefly, forcing the bad memories away as best I could. I was safe, I had Phoenix, I was safe...

***
Hey all so sorry it ended up being late
Hope you enjoyed it tho

2243

Question of the Day:
Do you have a regular thing that you look forward too?
Every Friday I go to a gym class and its nice for me bc even tho I'm working out, I don't have my kids for once haha

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