Before I can stop myself, I lean forward and kiss her. 

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I jump up. What have I done? I leave Sam sitting there, shocked, confused, and run. I don't know where to go. Not home, with its empty rooms and the constant reminder of the mother I failed to care for. Not the town, where I'd need to be sneaking around, constantly looking over my shoulder. But I'm still surprised when my feet carry me away from the busy streets and towards the forest encircling the town. Estate agents say it keeps us away from the rest of the world, making it sounds like a blessing. To me, it seems more like a barrier keeping us in. There's no way I'd be able to navigate through it to the other side alive. The only way past it is The Road, policed 24 hours a day. They'd never let me through, but I've never wanted to escape this place more. 

I stop, chest heaving, and lean against a tree right at the edge of the forest. Now that I'm here, I feel stupid. I look back at the town. What do I do now ? Slowly my breathing slows. My heart stops hammering at 100 miles per hour. My blood cools down to normal temperature. I venture into the cool shade of the trees, looking for a place to rest and think. After a couple of minutes, I find myself in a quiet clearing. I sit gratefully on a tree stump and take in my surroundings. Impossibly tall trees tower over me, branches spread. Golden sunlight pierces through the leaves, dappled on the ground. Birds call to each other overhead. It seems like a whole other world from the dirty, polluted and loud world outside. 

I try to order my thoughts. I need to sort this mess out. Put right this tangled situation I've caused. 

"Do I like Sam?" The question falls from my lips, heavy with dread. I don't want to face the truth, but I already know the answer. Why did I have to fall for her? She can't know - it would ruin my one precious friendship. But, I think, she already knows. People only kiss you out of the blue like that if they like you. I look down at my hands, callous and too big for my body. 

"Am I a girl or a boy?" My voice is hushed, though there is no one around to hear me. Just saying it out loud makes me nervous. I rub my eye out of habit and my fingertips come away back. I raise a hand to my mouth, remember the lipstick Sam so carefully applied this morning. Are her lips stained the same colour? Is she in the bathroom right now, trying to wash it off? Or maybe, just maybe, is she wearing the colour proudly? I shut my eyes tight, massaging my temples. Just thinking about her hurts. I try to distract myself. 

"If I'm a girl, does that make me gay?" No. No way. Stop right there. When my dad left, he told me I had to be the man of the family. Be strong whilst he was gone. Look after my mum. I know for a fact that he took part in a lot of anti-gay protests, too. He was a very religious person, always stating his views with utter conviction. He thought that people who said they were a different gender to their bodies were crazy. But Sam isn't crazy. Am I crazy? Maybe I'm going crazy, just like mum. 

I stand up, filled with righteous anger and a new purpose. I have to stay away from Sam. For my own good. I have to be the son my father would have wanted me to be, and hide away anything that prevents me from being just that - the perfect son. 

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sorry this is so long and boring, i just needed to clear some stuff up before the story progresses. you'd think lockdown means i have a lot of time to write, but the past couple chapters have been pretty rushed. i promise i'll write a proper one soon. 

thanks for reading, as always! 

stay safe

-midnight