"Josephine." Katie waved her hand in front of my face, "Earth to Josephine."
"Oh...sorry. I got dazed out." I said, looking at Katie. We were sitting on a rooftop bar at a Mexican restaurant in her college town. Katie was going to be graduating in less than a month, and she invited me to spend a few days there with her one last time.
"Thinking about Ava?" Katie asked sympathetically, and took a sip of her margarita.
"Yeah." I lied. In that moment, I actually wasn't- surprisingly. What seemed to be at the forefront of my mind right now was the conversation I had overheard at Gabi's. She had to have been talking to April.
I decided not to call Amira about it. I wasn't sure if that was the right decision or not- but I thought it was. I didn't want the police knocking on Gabi's door and scaring her off from giving any information. I would approach it myself when I felt it was right. Which was going to be soon. Very soon.
Of course Ava was on my mind all the time as well. I still couldn't get used to life without her. In the moments that I wasn't doing something, I would just cry thinking about her. But when I was in public or hanging out with someone else, I tried to put on a brave face.
"It'll get better." Katie said, "Whether you and her are meant to be or not, you're going to feel better. This doesn't last forever."
"I know." I said, wanting to change the subject. "You and Connor seem to be going strong."
I had been at Katie's for a day and a half and her and Connor had been quite flirty the whole time I was there. He seemed to be really into her, and she seemed to be really into him. It was really nice seeing her being treated well. I could already see that her confidence had gone up as well- she just seemed to have a different glow about her.
"Do you think so?" Katie grinned at me.
"Definitely he seems to be really into you. I'm happy for you." I said, "I can imagine how happy April would be for you as well if she saw how you and Connor are so flirty with each other."
Katie gave me a small smile, "She would be making sex joke after sex joke."
"Speaking of that...is it any good?"
Katie laughed, "I wouldn't be with Connor if it wasn't any good."
"That's right. He's got to keep you satisfied." I chuckled, "So...after graduation. Are you moving back home? In with Connor?"
"Definitely not in with Connor. It's too early on in the relationship. I am planning on moving home until I get into grad school, but I plan on staying in the area." Katie said.
"Well, I'll be glad to have you back home. Kylie is going to college in the Fall, so it would just be me with mom and dad."
"I can't believe she's going to Florida for college." Katie said, "I can't believe mom and dad let her."
"Honestly same. But I think they feel bad about the tough year she's had. But it's been a tough year for all of us." I said.
Katie nodded in agreement, "Some good things have come out of it too."
I thought about Ava for a moment. And then I felt my stomach drop. I didn't have that happiness anymore.
I stayed with Katie for two days. The day I got home, I immediately felt that emptiness again that I felt when I wasn't around someone or doing something.
I was glad when I saw I had a text from Gabi. She was asking me if I wanted to come over. But I made a promise to myself I wasn't going to hook up with her this time.
As I drove over to her apartment I wondered if I should bring up the conversation that I heard her having. I figured I would if it seemed right. I would know when I should bring it up.
Gabi opened the door for me when I arrived. "Are we having fun again tonight?" she asked me.
"I don't think so. I'm sorry if that's all you wanted from me." I said.
"No, don't think that. I wanted to make sure you were alright after we hooked up." Gabi said. She sat down on her couch and handed me her bong. I took it.
"Honestly, I am feeling guilty." I said.
"For what? You're single."
"I logically know that." I said, "But I feel guilty on the inside. I can't exactly describe why."
"Because emotionally you're still attached to Ava." Gabi said, "That takes a while to let go of when you really love someone."
"It's like part of me is telling myself to try to move on. Let go. But the other part of me just can't do it. There is this hope that Ava will just call me up and want to get back together." I said.
"I understand that all too well. When I was nineteen was in love, her name was Nina. And she wound up breaking up with me because of my legal issues. But part of me in my mind just didn't let her go." Gabi said, blowing out smoke.
"Do you still think about her?" I asked Gabi.
"Of course I do. For a really long time I had that hope she was going to call me up. But she had a husband and a kid now." Gabi shook her head, "Not saying Ava is going to wind up having a husband or a kid. She identifies as a lesbian now, apparently."
"Did Tony tell you that?" I asked her.
"Yes. And just so you know...she is struggling just as much as you are." Gabi said, "I think you and her should talk it out soon. There's no point in being so damn miserable."
"Maybe you're right." I said.
All night I studied Gabi to see if anything seemed off- but nothing did. She seemed like herself. But I was dying to ask her about the conversation I overheard. It was at the tip of my tongue the whole night.
Once again I decided to stay over and take the couch. I wondered if I was going to overhear another conversation. I laid there on the couch, trying to distract my mind. I started looking at my phone. I had blocked Ava on everything- I had to. It was too painful for me to see her. But in a moment of weakness, I un-blocked her on Instagram. And the first thing I saw was a selfie. She had on a red v-neck t-shirt and her hair was straight. I could see sadness in her eyes- but she looked beautiful. I had avoided looking at her for weeks now- but as I looked at this picture of her, I felt tears spring to my eyes. I missed her. So damn much.
I eventually drifted off to sleep, but was awoken once again in the middle of the night. But not from a conversation. I heard rummaging around in the kitchen. I sat up on the couch and looked over. I saw Gabi, in a sports bra and basketball shorts, looking in the fridge.
"Hey. Are you okay?" I asked her.
She turned her head around, "Oh, yeah. Sorry if I woke you. I had the munchies."
I chuckled, "What are you going to have?"
"I want bacon. Do you care if I cook some?"
"No. I'm up now." I said. And then I felt it on the tip of my tongue again. The need to ask. This was the time.
"Do you want any?" I heard Gabi ask.
"Sure." I said, thinking about how I should go about asking her this question that could potentially change everything.
"Spit it out, Josephine." Gabi said.
"Huh?" I looked over at Gabi. She was standing in the kitchen looking at me from a distance.
"You look like you want to say something. Say it."
This was it. I had to say it. "I overheard you talking to someone when I woke up in the middle of the night the last time I slept over." I said. I felt like I was going to throw up asking the next question, "Was...was it April?"
Gabi sighed, and put down the pack of bacon she had in her hand. She then walked over toward me and sat on the couch.
Then she said the words that I had been waiting to hear. Finally, answer of the most pressing question that had been in my head this whole time. Was April dead or alive?
"Yes." Gabi nodded, "I was talking to April."