TW: This part does discuss suicidal ideation.

A few days after visiting Katie up at college, I still had what happened with Candace and Kenny on my mind. I completed my online classes that day for school, and  went down to the kitchen to go grab something to eat.
I was making myself a salad when I heard someone walk into the kitchen. I turned around to see my mom, in her white coat. She put her bag down on the counter.
"We need to talk." she said, leaning against the counter, looking at me.
I looked up from chopping a tomato. "What's up?"
"I heard about this weekend, what happened with Candace and Kenny."
"Okay." I said. And what was she going to do about it?
"I made you an appointment. To go talk to someone." my mom said, looking at me.
"What do you mean, like a therapist?"
"Yes. A psychologist. Josephine, I am worried about your aggression and outbursts." my mom said.
"I thought I was done with therapy." I looked right back at her.
"You were. But you need to go back and see someone."
"And what if I don't want to?" I asked.
"You have no choice. I know you're an adult, but you live in this house. And I am not giving you any say in the matter." my mom said firmly. And I knew she meant it.
I called Ava and told her about the therapy appointment.
"Good. I think it'll be helpful." Ava said, catching me slightly off guard.
"You do think so?" I asked her.
"Yes. Look...I just want you to be okay. I know you're not thinking of yourself right now and you've got about a million things on your mind. I think it'll be good to talk it out to someone that doesn't know you." Ava said.
Usually with things that I am against I object tooth and nail. But I realized, maybe I wasn't totally against the thought of talking to a therapist. I didn't want to burden Ava will all of my issues, even though she never made me feel like a burden.
But the next day I was dreading the appointment, and talking about my issues. My mom gave me the name and the address of the psychologist- her name was Heidi and she was about 20 minutes away.
I saw I had a text from Ava before I got out of my car that said:
Good luck. I love you. ❤️
The first thing I noticed about Heidi was that she has a very calming, gentle voice. She was a small woman in her 60's with a strawberry blonde pixie cut. Her office was filled with books on shelves and candles. It had a very cozy feel, like she did. I wondered how my mom had found her.
As I sat on the couch across from her though, I didn't know what to say. I didn't feel like opening up or getting emotional.
Heidi smiled at me, "So your mom called the office the other day to make this appointment. Why do you think she did?"
"I don't know. Probably because she thinks I have been acting out." I said.
"Do you agree with that?" Heidi asked me.
"I guess I do. I've just been...all over the place." I said, "I'm sure you know my sister is missing. Nowhere to be found."
"I do know that. Your mom mentioned it."
"It's like...I just want to find an answer so bad. And I just feel so tired of worrying. But I can't stop worrying until I know where my sister is. Or if she is even alive. And I just want to stop having to worry." I explained.
"Of course. And that must mess with your head a lot that you just can't stop worrying. You can't control the situation about...what is your sisters name?" Heidi asked.
"April." I said, "And it messes with my head every day. And I think it probably does make me act out. Because I'm so desperate for answers."
"It sounds like you're just trying to do whatever you can to get those answers."
"And I know sometimes that can probably be seen as acting out. But I can't help it. Sometimes I just snap and I can't control it." I said.
"Do you have any other prior diagnoses, Josephine?" Heidi asked me, pen in hand.
"Come on, my mom had to have mentioned that I have Bipolar Disorder." I said.
"I wanted to hear it from you though. Are you on any medications?" Heidi made a note on her pink note pad.
"I take Wellbutrin and Abilify." I said.
"How long have you been taking those medications?" Heidi asked me.
"Years now. Since I was fourteen, so like six years."
"How did you start taking those medications?"
"I was in a mental hospital. And that's what the psychiatrist there prescribed me. It's been working for me well since."
"Why did you have to go to the hospital?" Heidi looked at me.
"I am trying to think back to when I was fourteen. My whole year of eighth grade I would kind of just cycle between feeling like my brain was going at a million miles and hour or at zero. There was no in between. And I started to get these awful, debilitating panic attacks. I tried to tell my mom how I was feeling but she didn't seem to listen. Eventually I just had enough." I said.
"Did something happen?"
"I was planning on overdosing. I just wanted the feeling to stop. I wanted to all to just fucking stop. I had bought the pills and everything. I'm pretty sure it was oxycodone. I bought it from some kid in my class at school."
"When you were in eighth grade you were planning an overdose?"
"Yeah. I just wanted to stop how I was feeling. And back when I was that young I couldn't really see another way out. I get sad thinking about it." I said, starting to feel a lump forming in my throat.
"What in specific gets you sad?"
"Just thinking about myself feeling so fucking hopeless at such a young age."
"It's upsetting for have to look back on. Did one of your parents find the pills?"
"Yeah, my mom did. She was going through my room, looking for cigarettes since I used to smoke them. She found the bag full of pills and questioned me. I broke down. She honestly was pretty cold about it- now looking back I think that was just her being upset- and just took me to the Emergency Room, where they admitted me to a mental hospital. They diagnosed me there with Bipolar Disorder and an Anxiety Disorder."
"And you've been better since?" Heidi asked me.
"I have been. Good things have happened in my life since then, besides April going missing of course."
"Can you tell me a good thing that has happened?" Heidi gave me an encouraging smile.
Of course, the top thing came to my mind, and I spoke it into existence. "Ava. My best friend turned girlfriend."
"The best relationships come from friendships. Can you tell me about Ava?"
"This is going to sound corny, but she's like...the light in my life. I just feel so lucky that she's my girlfriend. She's honestly the sweetest person ever and I feel like I don't even deserve her half the time." I confessed.
"Why do you feel that way?"
"Because I'm a lot to handle. My life is a mess right now. I don't want her to think I'm a burden or anything. Or that she regrets the relationship." I said.
"Have you expressed this to her?"
"Not in those words, no."
"I want you to. I think it could help you out. And I also want you to do something else for me if you would so be willing."
"What's that?"
"Anytime aggression is about to take over, or you are about to do something on an act of impulse, think of Ava. Not about what she would think about your actions, but just think of her. What you love about her." Heidi said .
"I think I can do that. Considering I'll be thinking about it for a while." I chuckled.
I could think of a whole list of words and characteristics that make for the reasons I love Ava. But none of them would even do her justice. She was just everything. And I never wanted to lose her- especially by me being my own worst enemy.