his meaningless apologies

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I stood by the bed quietly, keeping my gaze on the person lying on it while subconsciously matching my breaths to the beeping of the machines that surrounded the bed. When I slid my eyes sideways, it was a chart that had my name on it — my name, Aleksander Illiades. 

That was Eldrick's way to keep me in here, in this dismal pale-coloured room that was filled with nothing but life-sustaining machines and the heavy smell of disinfectants. Even when I was the one who could walk free from this space at the end of the day, I wasn't sure why the suffocating feeling of being trapped still pressed heavily against my chest. 

Aillard.

The name had a bad taste in my mouth, a mixture of bitterness and something else totally. My hands closed instinctually into tight fists as I struggled constantly to suppress the anger that simmered in the depths of my heart. Closing my eyes, images of the night and my father haunted the darkness within my vision. I was finding it so hard to breathe but my doppelganger still rested against the pale sheets, unmoving in his own peace. The nauseating feeling grew, as I quickly strode out of the ward and slammed the door shut behind me. 

Outside the ward, Jeremiah had been there all along to wait for me. He exhaled, "I said to not visit him, Alek."

I let out a dry laugh, trying to catch a breath amidst the growing anxiety that I was feeling. Jeremiah gripped me firmly by the arm to steady me and he pulled me to the nearest bench to settle in it. I held my head low, my hands clasped together tightly till my knuckles paled and my hands quivered by the force I was exerting. I cussed, "Darned it."

Recollection: Twenty-one years ago (months before the unfortunate accident)
Aleksander | 9

"I'm a year older than you," my doppelganger said, waving his hand in my line of sight and obstructing my focus on the page of text on the book I was holding in my hands. I frowned in annoyance while listening to him continuing to harp, "That means I'm your older brother, aren't I?"

Snapping the book in my hand shut, I glared back and asked icily, "What about it?" 

"Nothing, I'm simply amazed," Aillard grinned cheekily, his hand reached towards me, but I quickly slapped it away. The happiness in his expression refused to fade but he now kept his arms behind him and apologised, "I'm sorry, I won't touch you if you don't like it. Don't be mad at me, Alek." 

"I'm not mad," I said simply, opening the book in my hand again. "Just leave me alone." 

"I genuinely want to get along with you, Alek," Aillard sounded a little down. 

"I don't need your kindness," I spoke harshly through gritted teeth. "And neither do I want it." 

Not bothering to look at him, I opened the book again and kept my focus on the pages. However, I couldn't comprehend the printed text when I noticed that the person in front of me flinched at my words before his feet pivoted and left the study. In his absence, the entire place echoed in silence again. 

After that encounter, Aillard never approached me again and kept his distance from me. I thought it was a peace that I needed but I wasn't understanding the slight loneliness that followed. I managed to brush it off rather easily since I avoided being part of the family portrait for the longest time within the massive Illiades mansion.  Aillard and I never crossed paths again and my existence was also slowly forgotten once again. 

Forgotten but not vanished, because the moment my father came to knock on my door again, I knew it was another kind of misery that followed. After entering the study, he said to the butler beside him, "Get him ready." 

"Understood," Wyatt bowed to him respectfully before addressing me, "Please follow me to get dressed."

"What makes you think that you can simply order me around, Wyatt?" I asked, with a calm voice but I was smothered by my own rage on the inside. 

Father said, "Aillard fell sick, you have to make an appearance in his stead. You don't get to question Wyatt because I'm the one who has the say, Aleksander." 

I fell silent, knowing that I held nothing over this devil to challenge his orders. Quietly, I followed behind Wyatt and got myself dressed by the private stylist. Clad in a deep blue suit and fitted with a pair of merlot dress shoes, I stepped into the grand foyer to meet my greatest nightmares. The couple wore matching colours with my outfit, but all that was visible couldn't even hide the mismatch in this dysfunctional family. 

Father walked ahead of us, leaving Selene Thindrel close to me. She looked down at me with a gaze filled with disgust that she didn't bother hiding once her lover left her. A slew of unpleasant words sounded bitter against her higher-pitched voice when she commented, "Being near you disgusts me." 

I commented icily, "It's as though you're saying that you hate being around your son." 

The woman swayed her hips when she walked, shrugging her shoulders as she said sweepingly, "That boy is only a bargaining chip." 

The hands I kept by my sides had closed into tight fists, and there was something I hadn't understood when I thought about the pale expression of the sickly boy that was lying in bed back in the mansion. 

Pity, I actually pitied Aillard. 

How laughable.

My own circumstances weren't any better than him to have the right to pity someone else, but I did. I was the bargaining chip that the woman who gave birth to me threw at the devil to leave him, while Aillard was the leverage that this woman used to enter the gates of hell — with her ridiculous desire to be the lady of his lair. 

With a cold heart, I entered the mansion ahead of me and appeared in front of people who spent their whole life hiding behind pretence and mendacity. In this sophisticated world of riches, the authenticity of happiness was lost beneath their fake smiles and elaborate speeches. Unravelling the beautiful facade of luxury was the darkening of all the silver spoons that came with each birth from all the poison that was force-fed down the throat. Yet, all of us were expected to live normally and be blessed that at least we had everything in life. 

True, but this is an utterly disgusting reality to live in. 

Returning home, I pushed past everyone else and headed towards my own room. Slamming the door of the washroom shut, I threw my guts up. The nauseating feeling refused to settle even when I had nothing left in my stomach. My mind was too caught up with the whole unease overwhelming me to realise that someone was standing at the door until I fell back and saw my doppelganger through my blurred vision. 

"Alek, are you unwell?" Aillard asked, concerned. "Should I call for help?" 

"Just get out of my room," I hissed. "What are you here for? Trying to see the pathetic state you've pushed me into?" 

"Alek, I'm sorry—"

"Shut up," I interjected, letting out a dry laugh. "Don't ever apologise. They're so darned meaningless."

I looked at Aillard, feeling so confused by the sympathy that I had refused to feel for the both of us until now. His apologies were only meaningless to me because the ones who were supposed to be begging for our pardon would never tear their pride down and admit to their wrongdoings.

"Have you calmed down?" Jeremiah checked.

I pushed myself to stand from the bench and staggered slightly from the emotional overcharge. Taking another glance towards my doppelganger from the window outside the ward, I requested, "Let me know when he wakes."

"I don't know if he'll ever wake," Jeremiah sighed. "He's been like this for more than two decades"

"Aillard has to wake up," I said in a low voice. "That's the only way of reclaiming my name and everything else."

"You want him awake for other reasons too, right?"

"No," I lied.

"Wear this," Naya said, throwing a dress on the ottoman while combing through the rack of clothes in my dressing room.

I glanced towards the blush silk dress and directed my attention back to Naya again, watching as she scanned the shoe cabinet from the top to the bottom before picking up a ridiculous pair of stilettos. By the looks of it, I assumed that we would be heading somewhere important, so I asked, "Where are we going?"

"A gala," Naya winked. "You're going to be my partner for the night."

"Shouldn't I be wearing a suit?" I asked.

"You're not longer that Wren Ashenherst," Naya rolled her eyes. "Wake up, girlfriend."

"In case you still needed a handsome gentleman for the night," I laughed, giving her a mischievous wink. "I haven't forgotten how charismatic I could be."

"It's a ladies night, and ladies night also means a fantastic night," Naya smiled, placing a set of accessories above the glass surface.

After Naya left to get changed, I dressed myself in the dress that was picked out for me. Standing in front of the vanity, I swept my hair to the front and turned my back towards the full-length mirror while struggling to pull the back zip up.

Right at the moment, my phone sounded, and I saw Aillard's name on the screen with a request to video call. Without a second thought, I positioned my phone to stand and agreed to his call. The first thing he said was, "What are you doing, angel?"

"Trying to get this dress on me—" I explained with a strained voice as I stretched to look towards my back, not understanding why the zip wouldn't move when I pulled. 

"Turn your back towards me," Aillard requested.

"You can't possibly help me zip it up through the screen, can you?" I asked funnily but still turned my back to face him.

Aillard was quiet for a moment before he finally spoke, "The zipper got stuck with the fabric."

"Gods above," I cussed, unhesitatingly slipping the dress off me as I attempted to fix the jammed zipper. "Whoever thought back zips were the best idea."

A dry cough sounded through the speaker as Aillard reminded, "Wren, you're having a video call with me."

"Oh, right," I realised and quickly tapped on my screen to turn the video off. "Just give me a moment."

Aillard waited in silence, and I hastily grabbed a random rope to cover myself before turning the front camera on again. Looking towards him, I asked, "What have you called me for?"

"I'm now feeling hot and bothered by something else," Aillard rasped huskily.

My face warmed and I tugged the robe tighter around my body, shushing, "Talk business."

"We have much more than business to talk about, angel," Aillard chuckled deeply, his voice reverberating through the speakers.

"I'm only keeping this call short because I'm heading somewhere with Naya in a bit," I mentioned softly, feeling the heat all the way to my ears. "I'll make it up to you once I return."

"I'll hold onto your words," he smiled. "I called to ensure that you'll sign the employment contract that is already in your mailbox."

"Would I have fought so hard if I wanted to escape?" I teased. "Give me just a second."

In a rush, I dashed out of the dressing room and grabbed my tablet from the bed. I scrolled through my mailbox excitedly and tapped onto the employment contract. My eyes scanned through the contents despite not even needing to read because I was still all familiar with the Illiades' employment contract. A lifetime contract, which was all it was about. But I was ready to bet my life on this — all in.

I picked up the tablet pen and signed my life away, sending it back to Aillard's secretary at the immediate moment. When I returned, he said, "That was fast."

"I wasn't taught to back down," I smiled. 

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a/n

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