beyond comprehension

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I only planned to take a breather by the balcony until I heard an ongoing commotion within the meeting hall. Turning my head around to peer through the glass, I saw a few tall men surrounding Wren and an elder stepped forward with confrontational gestures. My first instinct was to scan the surroundings for Izanagi because he was supposed to be protecting her. Nowhere in sight. I took a step forward and saw Wren standing upright against the elder, speaking with confidence that I had never seen in her. That was the moment I realised that Wren was no longer the submissive employee of the Illiades, she could fend off the pressure herself. 

Taking a step back again, I hadn't intended to interfere until I saw the confrontation turned heated and the elder swung his arm at her. Darned it. I quickly pushed myself off the ledge of the balcony and strode into the meeting hall once again. Someone yanked her so hard and I felt the fire within me blazing my entire being. I stood behind her and caught her by her shoulders. Before I could process the situation properly, the words already left my mouth. 

"Saito-san," I said, my voice cold and anger-filled. "What do you think you're doing to my fiancée?" 

I witnessed the horror in that old man's murky brown eyes and I made it clear to everyone else in the room that I wouldn't forgive anyone who dared to lay their hands on her. The whole meeting hall went into a still, including Wren. The moment those words left me, she hadn't moved an inch and she didn't turn around to face me either. But I didn't have the luxury to explain everything to her at the moment. Wrapping my arm around her waist, I was grateful that she didn't flinch at my touch. I held onto her firmly and walked her out of the meeting hall, leaving a hall filled with flabbergasted syndicate members. 

Wren simply followed without uttering a word and I found that this infuriating trait of hers hadn't changed even after three years. I couldn't read her exact thoughts but I knew she was feeling an array of emotions from the way the pale in her eyes speckled in confusion. When we exited the meeting hall, I fought with every fibre in my being not to pull her into my embrace. Excruciatingly withdrawing my hand from her, I said, "Be more careful next time, angel." 

Still, Wren didn't move. She simply stood beside me with widened eyes and no words moved past her slightly parted red lips. My heart felt heavy and I tried to excuse myself, "I have somewhere else to be, so I'm making a move first. It was nice meeting you, Wren." 

Then, I took a step away and she finally broke the silent treatment she was giving me. She asked, "That's all you have to say?" 

You're wrong. 

I wanted to tell her that. I wanted to speak my mind of all things that I kept in me for the past three years: of the hurt when I missed her too much, of the emptiness the house felt when she left, of the longing for her return to my side and of how I realised at this moment that being this close to her actually felt far. This pause felt like a pair of invisible hands squeezing tight on my neck and I choked on the air that hung heavily between us. To be honest, I wasn't sure why all the anticipation I felt dissipated so quickly and it was as though my entire self was being doused in cold water, making it painfully clear that the person who stood in front of me wasn't someone I used to know.

I was seized by an unknown fear that it had been three years since we exchanged any words. I always hear about her from Naya or Ismael because she never initiated a conversation with me in those years apart and suddenly I lost all the words I held at the tip of my tongue. Having her close felt so foreign and it was only at this moment that I thought about how we had perhaps, grown apart from each other. I turned around and looked at her eyes once more. Even when she was staring right back at me, I wasn't able to read her like I used to.

All of a sudden, I felt terribly afraid.

I wish I knew what went through Aillard's mind at all. He was so warm back in the meeting hall and he went extremely cold when we walk through the doors. There were just too many thoughts swimming at the peak of my consciousness and I didn't know where to begin speaking. I also wasn't sure why I hadn't expected him to be in Japan when Izanagi and he were friends for the longest time. But I felt that even if I was informed in advance, I would've been as stunned. 

This was our first meeting in three years and when I first caught sight of him in the meeting hall, I couldn't fathom the rush of emotions that crashed into me like a tidal wave. He stood out, even in a hall filled with hundreds of people. I eyed him from head to toe, in awe by the way he looked ever so perfect in his slate grey three-piece suit and matching oxfords. Instead of his usual style to comb his hair back, he cropped the sides a lot shorter and styled the longer wavy tendrils neatly atop his head. I was sure that his features grew more angular and sharper over the years but it was only because he seemed thinner than I used to remember. 

The faint crescents underneath his eyes didn't go unnoticed by me and it was apparent that he had been worn down by weariness. I couldn't count how many sleepless nights I went through to stand where I was today but I knew that Aillard didn't enjoy easy days too. I saw him and all his achievements on the news, in the papers and in various business magazines. I caught up on his life through Naya, Ismael, and occasionally, Jeremiah. Though receiving calls from Jeremiah was never a good sign because it always left me worrying about his persistent health problems.

Standing so close to him right now, I wondered if he would believe me if I told him that I missed him. But the way he said those words felt like he was distancing himself from me and I could only wonder if he had resented me when he refused to speak and I went ahead to ask if those were all the words he wanted to say to me.  A sour, bitter feeling twisted my insides when he averted his grey eyes away from mine and took another step away from me.

I quickly reached forward to hold onto his arm but he withdrew it instantly, as though my touch burned him. My heart sank to its deepest depth and I ended up choosing the wrong starters for a conversation, "Why did you say that back in the hall?"

A pregnant pause of silence was all I get before he finally said something in return, "It was for convenience, please don't feel bothered by it."

"Oh," I said, downcasted. I had stupidly chosen such a heavy topic to start a conversation after not talking to him for so long and I drew in a silent inhale, wanting to correct the tension when I called him again, "Aillard—"

My attempt was interrupted by the noisy shudder of his phone and I saw a name flash on his screen that caused a pang in my chest: Lorelei.

I was silently pleading for him to not pick that call up but he did. He brought the phone close to his ear and requested, "Speak."

I heard strings of murmurs that I couldn't make out into words and when the call ended, he looked towards me again and I was finally at loss for words when he mentioned, "I need to make a move now, Wren." 

How am I supposed to hold him back?

I didn't say anything and Aillard took my silence as consent to walk away. My gaze remained in the direction he walked even after his silhouette disappeared from the passageway. That was when I finally understood that our distance only made my heart grow fonder while his went astray.

Then, I kept asking myself if he decided to set me free so that I could be truly free and away from his world?

Or maybe I had never belonged from the very start and somewhere, somewhat, I had forgotten it all.

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a/n: 

i am back, my lovelies! i don't like to work with schedules but i am going to update more often for now while its my holiday!