unconveyed feelings

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Aillard pulled me into his hold and we scrambled into the room together, with rushed attempts to get rid of every piece of clothing on our body along the way. My heels, his shoes. His jacket, my coat. He showed no restraint to how much he wanted me and neither did I — it was as though we wanted each other as much. He broke off the kiss and exhaled above my lips, "Wait, please." 

I stopped, just holding onto his arm while I waited for him to continue. The nervousness in my heart was felt and I was afraid that he would come to realise my pounding heart since our chests were touching, skin-to-skin. His hands stopped moving for a while but he also didn't release his grip on me. Staring into my eyes for a brief moment, I felt my soul being captured into the depth of those piercing silver within his eyes. Then, he dropped his gaze and buried his head into the crook of my neck, pressing a kiss on the sensitive spot just below my ear as he rasped huskily, "Can we take it slow?" 

A tingle radiated through my body, causing my breath to hitch as my hands tightened their grip on his firm, muscular arms. I nodded, even when I didn't know what he meant by going slow. Aillard was the first and last guy I ever ended up on the bed with and the other time was frantic, with his rationality hazed within the stimulant in his system. This time, the lingered taste of bittersweet champagne wasn't enough to explain all the longing and we were both clear-headed enough to know that it was the ardent desire that pulled us together.

"Thank you, angel," he whispered, catching my earlobe between his teeth while drawing a moan out of me. He lifted me up and slowly moved us into the suite, towards the direction of the bedroom. His lips slowly traced the curve of my jaw, kissing along my neck and down to my shoulder. I bit hard on my lower lip to suppress all the sounds that were forcing their way up my throat — mellow sounds that no longer resembled my voice. Pecking a kiss against my lips, he said, "I'm the only one who's going to hear it, you don't have to hold it in." 

 "I—" I couldn't find the words to respond to his request when he trailed his finger down my bare back and I shuddered against his tender touch. I panted, "Don't—"

"Do you want me to stop?" he whispered into the hollow of my collarbone and my heart was set into overdrive. His hand held onto the nape of my neck, making me face him straight in his eyes. The cold silver within his grey irises burned in a firm voice, he requested, "Answer me, angel." 

It was the usual pressure clamping down in my chest again, trapping me within the cruel reality of his gentle warmth. Clenching my arms tighter together, I avoided looking at him and straddled closer to him as tears welled in my eyes and emotions swelled in my chest. I was sure that I must've dampened the mood when he settled us down on the bed and patted on my back gently while asking, "Anything's wrong?" 

Biting back the tears, I only asked, "Please hold me gently."

 "We don't have to continue," he mentioned. 

Just for a little, I wanted to know how it would've felt if this man loved me. Even if this was all a dream, I wasn't allowing it to slip through the cracks of my heart. Closing my eyes, I whispered into his ear, "Hold me, please." 

He pulled me to face him again, his gaze scorched against mine as one of his hands slid under the wide neckline of my dress. He sought permission from my eyes and I granted it all to him before he gently slipped the thin satin down my shoulders, revealing the thin lace that hugged the curves of my body. Then, his hands went under the hem of my dress, running up as he felt every inch of my skin heating up in flames against his embrace. 

The steady sound of his paced breathing, the searing feel of his tender touch and the comforting scent of white musk and patchouli of his favourite cologne. I wanted to remember every detail of this moment forever and etch it between every beat of my heart — in the left corner of my chest where he lived within me. 

He laid claims on my lips and I tensed in the most wonderful way, moaning softly into the kiss when his finger skimmed over my place of need. A low hum sounded from the back of his throat when he supported my back with one of his hand, while the other traced tiny circles over the smooth lace. My head was growing hazy from all the sweet sensations and he gently pressed against my entrance with the tip of his finger. My back arched in response when sensations electrified through my veins. 

Slowly torturing me, he tugged the thin fabric aside while deepening the kiss. His tongue delved against mine while he pushed a finger into me. The suddenness drew out a soft, keening voice from me and he relentlessly moved his fingers in and out of my wetness. My lower abdomen tensed from the building tension and I dug my nails deeply into his shoulder, afraid that I would snap from being pulled too taut. 

He let out a rumbling groan and I quickly release my grip, apologising, "I'm sorry—" 

"I'll hold you gently," he whispered huskily, cutting me halfway as he requested, "In return, I want you to hold me tight."

"I w-will hurt you," I mumbled breathlessly, moaning as he pushed his finger deeper in me while I speak. 

"You wouldn't," he assured, pausing for a moment before murmuring, "Don't let go of me, angel."

A pierce stung right through my chest and I wondered if Aillard had always been this affectionate and tender with every partner in bed. He took his time to remove every piece of clothing on me and himself, with his lips against mine and locking me within the comfort of his embrace.

Lowering me down on the bed, his hands wandered every inch of my skin. His touch made me tremble and my entire body throbs from the fire of his fingertips and the saccharine taste of his lips. It wasn't long before I lay in bed naked with him and it was the same scene from two years ago. I could see it in his expression that he was holding himself back, as though afraid to take another step ahead. The fear he hid within was something I didn't understand but holding onto his arm, I said softly, "I want more." 

"You sure?" he checked. Looking straight into his eyes, I nodded. Pulling him down so that our faces leaned close enough for me to feel his warm exhales against the tip of my nose. He pressed a gentle kiss on the bridge of my nose while grinding our hips together. I felt him against my lower abdomen — thick, hot and hard. Feeling aroused and aching, I panted, "I want—" 

"Shh," Aillard hushed. "Not so soon." 

He kissed me slowly as he travelled south, inching nearer to where I begged desperately for his attention. Parting my legs further, he lowered himself and kissed me in a way that I had never been kissed before. My chest heaved when the tip of his tongue teased the most sensitive part of me.

My hand instinctively bunched onto the sheets beneath me and his hand reached out to hold onto mine, interlocking our fingers together as he paid attention to the smallest gesture to make me feel comfortable. His other hand smoothed along my inner thigh and he continued to work me over with his tongue while dipping his finger inside of me — slowly, deeply. Ecstasy pulsed within me and my body was losing strength to the exhilaration he was making me feel. He continued until I came undone and I was already breathless when he caged me in his hold and checked, "Can I continue?" 

"Yes," I whispered within short breath I managed to catch. 

"Hold onto me," he requested. 

I did as I was told, folding my arms over his shoulders and pressing my body against his. He pulled me up from the bed and reached towards the nightstand beside the bed. Something must be wrong with me because even the sound of wrappers being torn was turning me on, my thighs clamped on him and he let out a rumbling groan before he aligned himself with me and pushed my hip down against his length. His hand traced my spine and all the words formed on the tip of my tongue came out as a mere gasp when I felt him full in me, stretching me out satisfyingly. 

"Relax a little, angel," Aillard strained, almost pleading. "You're clenching too much." 

"Move," I uttered. 

Our bodies pressed tightly against each other and he picked up his pace as he moved. I felt all the sensations in rippling through my entire body with every pull and push and the whole room was filled with our breathless pants as we moved each step closer to release. When we were both close, I mouthed silently into his shoulder, ensuring not a single word was heard when I spoke. 

"I love you, Aillard."

I took a shower and wiped her down with a damp towel. Then, Wren was already worn out when I tucked her under the sheets. And just like the other time, I lay beside her without holding onto her. Even when I closed my eyes, my mind remained wide awake and it was after a long moment before she started fidgeting by my side. I peeled my eyes opened slightly to look towards her, but quickly closed them when I felt her turning around. 

Shuffling sounds sounded when Wren struggled and grumbled silently while getting her dress back on. I would've laughed except for the painful awareness of my heart, which was filled with the dread that she would leave through the door and we would carry on the next day, pretending as though nothing happened. Everything we shared in this room would dissipate into dust without a single trace. 

Mentally, I counted down from ten and there came the expected sound of the door clicking before the room became deafeningly silent again. 

I pushed myself to sit on the bed that now felt too big and too cold without her presence. My hand reached for the lingered warmth on her side of the bed and whispered painfully, "I love you, Wren."

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a/n: 

do you hold me the way i hold you close?
do you want me the way i want you?
(close · noelle johnson)