tysm for 300k reads :))

i really feel like some of this book should be in 'my everything' because this almost has the same amount of reads of Secret hahaha rip

125

May POV

I wonder why I'm actually here.

I seriously wonder why.

What's the good of what I'm doing?

Anne's voice rings in my head, reminding me I'm doing this for her.

I knock on the familiar door and wait. Maybe she won't answer. I hope she doesn't. It would be my excuse to say I tried.

The light brown wooden door is soon opened. The women's face is how I remember it. The only difference is the fact her hair is lighter and there are a few more wrinkles on her face from age.

"May?" My Mother's voice questions.

"Hello." I murmur.

"Y-Your uh Father is at work, if you're looking for him." She says. Her voice is soft and the kind. Her voice has never been kind to me.

"I was actually looking for you." I say dreadfully. I'm not really looking forward to this up coming conversation, but I'm not doing it for me. Mostly for the fact I promised Harry's Mom, and it's for my kids sake.

"Really?" Her eyes sadden almost. I nod. "Uh, come in." I do.

I step into my old house. I haven't been here in years.

I haven't been here since she told me to abort April. I get sick thinking about that.

"Would you like something to drink?"

"I'm good, thanks." I smile politely.

"Would you like to talk in the kitchen?" I nod. She leads the way.

As we walk through the house to get to the kitchen, my eyes stare at the many photos on the wall. There are a lot of photos of their grand children.

A few of Bell catch my eye. I smile softly.

I see some of my kids which makes my heart soften. My Dad probably put those up, which was nice of him.

I sit down across from my Mother at the island that hasn't changed. Overall the whole house is what it was like before. Nothing has changed that's I've noticed. The carpet is the same, as well as the color of the walls.

"How have you been?" My Mom asks timidly.

"Good, you?"

"I've been okay." She replies softly. My eyes wander off to the sobriety coins on the table top. My eyebrows furrow at them. They're in different piles for different dates.

"Those are mine." She says. My eyes look back to my Mother. "I've had a problem with alcohol for a while, but I've been sober for," She pauses. "11 years."

I knew she liked to drink on her days off. It was mostly at night with her friends. She'd come home shit faced.

Then her being drunk led to me being hit most of the time...

"Congrats." I say.

"Thank you." She smiles softly. "You don't have a stutter anymore." She brings up.

"Yeah, I got help for it." I say honestly.

"Your Father told me your son has it, right?" I nod.

"Yeah, but he's getting speech therapy for it." I say. "He doesn't like it, and I know what it's like, so we're getting him help for it." I explain briefly.

"It's good to know you and Harry are still together." Her dark blue eyes look into mine. "I'm sorry for ever doubting you guys." I remain silent. "That shouldn't be the first thing I apologies for." I hear her murmur to herself.

"I'm going to be honest with you." I tell her. She nods. "I wouldn't be sitting here, right now talking to you, unless a person asked me too. And I made a promise that I would, so here I am. I've grown the balls to sit down and talk to you after I made that promise three years ago. When I found out years ago that Uncle Nick is my actual father, everything made sense. For once I understood why you didn't like me, and why Dad didn't like to look at me. What I don't understand is why I did think all of that made sense." I pause for a brief moment.

"Anne, Harry's Mom, asked me before she died to let you know my kids. She didn't have a good relationship with her Mom, and her Mom hurt her and her siblings. But years later, Anne let her Mom know her kids and she was the best grandmother to them. She cleaned up her act, and acted loving and caring. That should've made me feel somewhat better about you knowing my kids, but it didn't." I say honestly.

"Over the three years where I've debated on having this conversation with you, I was thinking why would you want to know my kids? You looked at me and didn't feel love or joy. I was the thing that ruined your life in a sense. Maybe I drove you into a drinking problem, I don't know. Bell, Macy, Hunter, all of Sadie and Ellie's kids that are able to speak tell me all the time how amazing you are. You take them to the park, you bake with them, you take the girls on spa days, all of that.

With that assurance that I know you're a good grandmother, why do I still have doubts? Well, to Sadie and Ellie you were an amazing Mom. You took them on spa days, bought them stuff, all of that. I had no doubt you were going to act the same to their kids one day. I never felt like you would be a harm to their kids. But I had that feeling you would be a harm to my kids. You abused me for a while, so why would you treat my kids right? You resented me, why wouldn't you resent them?

My kids are my world. They're amazing, kind, and loving children. Now that I am a Mom, I wonder how any Mother could look at a baby and hate him or her. This innocent life shouldn't be hated. But I was from day one."

As I was talking her eyes turned more gloomy. "The first time I," She pauses. "The first time I hit you really badly, I didn't remember any of it. I was so drunk and angry. Not at you, at your Dad--John. We were having problems and I took it out on you, literally. When I woke up after I passed out because of my drinking I heard your Father yelling for help.

I was confused. What did he need help with? I walk over to where he was and saw you, knocked out and with bruises. I don't doubt you remember that day, and I'm sorry if you do. Your Father had tears streaming down his eyes and he gave me a look. It was look which he never gave me before. He asked what did I do? I said I don't know. I truly didn't. But I knew it was me, my hands were sore.

He took you to the hospital, as you know, or maybe you don't. He came up with an excuse to why you looked the way you did, which I felt guilty for. That should've been my wake up call to my drinking issue. Or my issue in general. I didn't resent you, I resented cheating on my husband. I never liked Nick. Us being together was to be less lonely. Both of our spouses had terrible hours and we used each other, as gross as that sounds. And you were made. I took John not talking to me for years, and him not looking at me the same out on you." She wipes the corner of her eyes.

"I'm so sorry May. For everything. For calling you fat, or telling you to cut back on carbs, anything I did. I'm sorry. I should've been a Mom to you. I should've loved you the way I loved your sisters, I should've done everything differently. I know you hate me. And I don't blame you, in all honesty. I hate me too. You deserved better than me as a parent. I," She pauses. "I'm sorry that I hit you. I'm sorry for making you feel worthless and not loved." Her blue eyes drop to her lap. "I would never lay a hand on your kids." She mentions. "After you told me you were pregnant with your first daughter, was a day I can't forget. I was drunk that day actually. So I don't remember much besides what your father told me when I became sober.

He said that was my chance to be forgiven. You told us for a reason, right? And I fucked that up by saying," She pauses. "To abort her? That's what your Dad told me I said. That's what my Mom told me to do with you, so I guess I was getting flashbacks or something and I was spitting it out on you and Harry. I'm," She takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry for your loss of her, by the way. I felt bad. I told you to abort her, and she passed away after birth. I honestly felt guilty. That was the day I told myself not to drink anymore. And I've been sober since. All of what I'm telling you, I know doesn't mean anything to you. I'm just a person in your life who I know you'd never forgive or want to know."

I remain quiet for a brief moment.

I see the sadness in her eyes as she talks. Her face shows she's deprived of the alcohol. If I were to compare the two woman, the one I lived with to the one now, I wouldn't think they're the same people.

The women I lived with looked tense, drowsy, and angry. This women looks soft, kind, and lovable, which is different to see.

Anne's voice plays in my mind. I let out a deep breath.

"Ellie is having a barbecue at her house this weekend. I know you know because she told me you were going. I'll go, with my family. You can meet my kids, and talk to them. This isn't me doing the forgive and forget. This is me giving you a chance to be a grandmother to them, because they don't have one."

Her eyes well up, which shocks me in all honesty. "Really?" Her voice cracks. I nod "Thank you."

"Yep." I murmur.

***

I return home around four. I see Baxter and Max playing with a toy which makes me smile. A see a little boy walk over to me.

I kneel down and let Owen wrap his small arms over my body. His face nuzzles against mine and he kisses me. I smile. I pick him up and walk to the kitchen.

I see Annabelle and Harry cooking. She's on a stepping stool and their backs are faced to me. I smile widely at them.

I leave them alone and head upstairs. I check up on Finn. My head peeps into his room. His door is open. My body is by the wall.

He's on his bed with BJ and June. My head tilts at him. He has blocks by them which makes my eyes sting.

He treats them like his friends.

Instead of imaginary friends, he has his pets who he talks too and takes everywhere. Sometimes I'll hear him talking to BJ about how he feels or what upsets him.

It makes me even more sad that he gets picked on at school. He deserves the world. He's the sweetest little boy and he gets treated like shit by the twats in his grade.

Excuse my language about calling children twats. It just makes me sad that my little boy is getting bullied.

I leave him alone and look to Owen. His green eyes are on me. I kiss his cheek and stroke his hair.

A://N

hello :)

thoughts on this chapter???

comment goal: 50?

feel free to check out my other works :p

cool story?:

i was getting blood work today, how fun...

the lady taking my blood was telling me how her 6 year old is getting bullied in school the same way Finn is. I thought that was a coincidence. But she showed me a photo of her daughter (i asked to see what she looked like) and i felt really bad. she looks so sweet and cute :(

~lauren