Catalina Konan

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Dahil nakakaramdam pa rin ako ng kaunting inis kay Gavin, sinabi ko sa kan'ya na bukas na lang kami lumabas at kasama ko rin si Hailey ngayon pero dahil makulit siya-- at ayaw niya kaming lubayan ni Hailey, sinabihan na 'ko ng isa na pagbigyan na si Gavin.

Sa huli, heto at kasama ko na siyang naglalakad. Hinayaan ko na lang siyang dalhin ako sa kung saan niya balak.

"Wala kaming last subject ngayon kaya maaga akong nakaalis ng school. But I didn’t expect you’d forget about our date and join Hailey," ngumuso siya at nilingon ako.

"H‘wag mo sabihing pinagseselosan mo rin siya?"

"Huh? I didn’t say that!"

"E bakit ayaw mo na bukas na tayo mag-date? Bakit pinilit mo ngayon?" tanong ko. Dahan-dahan pang umalis sa 'kin ang paningin niya at sumimangot, napakamot din siya sa kan'yang batok na tila batang nahihiya sa kan'yang sasabihin.

Ang cute niya sa reakyon na iyon pero naiinis ka, Konan! Be in character!

"Well, I can’t wait for tomorrow. We haven’t seen each other for days and I’m kind of worried you’ll be with Claudius again. For sure I’ll... get super jealous again," he answered in a low voice.

"Wala ako sa Protegé pag linggo. Bakit mo naman naiisip ‘yan? And why are you jealous of him? As if he likes me."

"Even so. Still, you liked it when he gives you compliments. And you’re having fun with him. I may sound selfish but I want you have more fun with me--- than him. And in case you’re thinking I hate him just because I’m jealous, you’re wrong. All I want is you, Konan. I want your all to me."

Lumakas ang tibok ng puso ko sa deretsahan niyang pagsasalita ng gano'n sa 'kin. Seryoso na ang kan'yang boses, nawala sa mukha niya ang parang batang nahihiya kagaya kanina.

Sa kabila ng mga narinig ko, hindi sinasadyang may tanong na pumasok sa isip ko...

I wonder how Sir Claudius will get jealous? Does he felt that way over Tiara and Zen?

Though there's no confirmation he liked Tiara in a romantic way... but his actions from before were obvious-- atleast for me. Did he get jealous? How did he get jealous?

Nagulat ako nang bigla akong hawakan ni Gavin sa isang kamay at tignan ako ng malalim sa mata. Napakurap-kurap na lamang ako.

"That's why I’ll make you happier today, than you were with him. Will you let me?"

Gavin being so persistent is not a surprise at all. Hindi ko maitatanggi na tumalon ang puso ko dahil sa mga naririnig. Ibig sabihin lang nito, gagawin niya ang lahat mapasaya lang ang taong gusto niya, 'wag lang siya malamangan ng ibang lalaki. Sometimes, being selfish for the one special to you is undeniably heart-warming. Though Gavin's becoming a bit possessive, I can tell.

Naglaho ang munting inis na naramdaman ko kani-kanina lang. Hinigpitan ko ang pagkakakapit ng kamay ko sa kan'ya.

"Okay, make me happier."

Gavin pulled me closer and towards him and I felt his forehead leaned down my shoulder.

"I’ll make you happier. So stick with me and only me."

I ran my fingers through his hair and answered back without thinking, "I will."

Malinaw sa akin na parehas kong gusto si Gavin at Sir Claudius. Kapag kasama ko si Gavin, nahihirapan akong tanggihan siya lalo sa ganitong usapin. Marupok, kumbaga. Pero kapag si Sir Claudius ang kasama ko, nagiging maingat ako sa mga sinasabi ko. Tipong ayokong magkamali dahil ayokong mag-isip siya ng kakaiba sa 'kin, ayokong lumayo siya sa 'kin ngayong kumportable na kami sa isa't-isa, ayokong dumistansya siyang muli dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na masasaktan ako.

Pero anong gagawin ko? Isa lang ang dapat kong pagtuunan ng atensyon sa kanila. When I think about it deeply, all I get is confusion. But on the second thought, Gavin has more possibilites. He confessed and I like him, too. While to Sir Claudius... we're good friends, that's all I am to him.

Kasalanan 'to ng puso ko, e. Bakit ba ako sabay na nagka-gusto sa dalawang lalaki?!

As we proceed to our destination, I found myself in a peaceful lake. The ripples, the faraway hills, the small boats and the smell of leaves in the air... I inhaled deeply, taking at all in.

Gavin faced me excitedly, "So, what do you think? Cool, isn’t it?"

"Super cool! But what are we going to do here?"

Bigla ay inakbayan niya 'ko at hinapit sa kan'ya, "We're going boat-rowing together since I found this really cool place. From now on, this will be our secret base."

Gavin said it with a smile that reached from ear to ear. I nodded empathically.

Secret base for just the two of us...? How romantic.

He suddenly heaved a long sigh walked ahead of me, putting his both hands on his waist. Seems like his feeling the beautiful scenery.

I smiled watching his back. I opened my mouth to tell him I never experience a boat-rowing but he suddenly talked first.

"Naalala ko lang ‘tong lugar na ‘to," he chuckled, "I failed to bring Silvanna here so I’m glad I brought you atleast."

Parang tumigil ang tibok ng puso ko at awtomatiko akong nag-iwas ng tingin. That name brought up again and he never stop. Dapat alam niya na sa sarili niya na naiinis na 'ko sa paulit-ulit niyang pagkukumpara sa 'kin kay Silvanna pero mukhang hanggang ngayon, hindi niya pa 'yun napapansin.

Napalunok ako at kokontrahin na dapat siya nang mabilis niya 'kong hinatak sa kamay para dalhin sa boat station. Habang masaya siyang nakikipag-usap sa staff, pinili kong manahimik sa isang tabi.

Bumalik ang inis na nararamdaman ko. I wanted to tell him that I am not Silvanna-- and I will never be. He should've notice that!

After awhile, we sat on a boat he chose. He was the one seemingly enjoying the calm and intoxicating breeze. Everything was just perfect, but I'm really not in the mood.

"When I was in high school, I studied really hard and teachers really liked me. I studied hard and ran around so much that I felt like the day was too short. But now, the professor doesn’t know me and I don’t know the professor. Since I went to college, all I care is about this game called, LOL. It was fun. But since I realized my feelings for you, I want to start working hard again only to impress you," he said while rowing the boat.

I was about to feel touch but my mood won't let me. Kanina pa siya nagku-kwento sa 'kin habang hindi niya napapansin ang pananahimik ko. Half-reclined, I suddenly felt sleepy.

"You’ve given me trust and courage just like Silvanna when she was here."

Mariin akong pumikit sa muling pagbanggit niya ng pangalang 'yun. I can barely hold my irritation that I just wanted to jump out of here and leave him alone.

He chuckled and continued, "You are really similar to her. You have different personalities but you feel both similar. You remind me a lot of Silv---"

"I am not Silvanna, Gavin."

Natigil siya pero nanatili ang ngiti sa kan'yang labi. Umiling ito sa 'kin, "I know but I can't help. Sabi ko nga, palagi ko siyang naaalala sa ‘yo."

"Lahat na lang ba ng gagawin ko, susuotin ko, paborito ko, pupuntahan natin--- kailangan maalala mo siya?" inis na bulalas ko.

Gone was the smile on Gavin's face. He looked at me with a confused expression.

"There, you’re looking confused. Because you’re confusing me with her."

"I'm not confusing you with anyone. I'm just telling you’re just like her. At oo, totoo naman ‘yung sinasabi ko kapag naaalala ko siya sa ‘yo. Mula sa gamit n‘yong pabango, hanggang sa paborito n‘yong pagkain, hanggang sa pananalita. Walang halong kasinungalingan, Konan."

"Walang halong kasinungalingan din pero hindi nga ako si Silvanna. Stop comparing me with her."

"But everything you do reminds me of her---"

"Talaga? Kagaya nito," mula sa pagkakaupo ko, lumuhod ako at lumapit sa kan'ya. Nilagay ko ang dalawang kamay ko sa magka-bilang gilid niya at walang sali-salitang hinalikan siya sa labi.

Naramdaman kong nabitawan niya ang sagwan na hawak dahil sa gulat. Pero hindi ako nagsisi na hinalikan ko siya dahil binging-bingi na 'ko sa pagku-kumpara niya sa 'min ni Silvanna.

Naalala ko ang mukha ni Sir Claudius kaya naman agad na naghiwalay ang mga labi namin. Tinitigan ko siya ng mataman. Umawang ang labi niya habang nanlalaki ang mata sa akin.

"Does that remind you of her? Did you kissed before? Did she do something like that?"

He was left speechless. What is this feeling? Why do I feel hurt? Why do I want to runaway to Sir Claudius? Why am I missing him all of a sudden when we just met earlier?

A pair of warm hand held my cheek and gently caressed it using his thumb. Sa isang iglap, naging emosyonal ang mga mata niya.

"I love you, Konan."

Nagulat ako ro'n dahilan para matigil ako.

"I can’t believe you’ll be the first one to kissed me," pumula ang kan'yang pisngi at kinagat ang ibabang labi, "Still, I’m happy. You surprised me with that."

"G-Gavin..."

And with that, I felt his hot lips pressed against mine. I didn't find reason to protest, I let him kiss and feel my lips. It was a good and sweet confession that he loves me, but I don't know why I'm feeling sad. Is it because he didn't answer my question?

Or is it because I'm remembering Sir Claudius's face?

Hindi rin naman nagtagal ay siya na ang kusang lumayo at ngumiti habang buong-puso akong pinagmamasdan. He bit his lower lip that I couldn't help but stared at it.

"She's my cousin, of course we would not kiss. I’m sorry for making you feel that way. Okay, I will not bring up her name again to you, I’m sorry," he said in a breathy voice.

I swallowed hard and straightened up, returning to my seat.

Pakiramdam ko ngayon lang uminit ang pisngi ko kaya naman iniwasan ko siyang tignan. Sinabi niyang mahal niya 'ko, but do I feel the same? Sa dalawang beses na paglalapat ng labi namin, bakit walang nagbago sa nararamdaman ko? Bagkus, nakaramdam pa ako ng lungkot.

Gusto ko si Gavin. Pinapasaya niya ako, sinusuportahan niya ako. Pero... sa tingin ko hanggang do'n lang 'yun.

A tear rolled down my face silently. Pinunasan ko agad 'yun at pinakalma ang sarili ko.

Realization hit me real hard... that I like Gavin for a reason. And I like Sir Claudius for no reason. In fact, I feel like... I'm in love with him.

Maybe that's the reason why I feel so hurt. Kasi alam ko na kung si Gavin ang mahal ko, maibabalik niya sa akin ang pagmamahal na 'yun dahil inamin niya na sa 'kin ito ngayon. Pero dahil si Sir Claudius ang pinili ng puso kong mahalin, walang kasiguraduhan kung masusuklian niya ba 'yun lalo at pakiramdam ko ay si Tiara ang gusto niya at kaibigan lang ang tingin niya sa 'kin.

"K-Konan, I’m sorry if I made you cry," mahinahong bulalas ni Gavin saka ko naramdaman ang yakap niya, "I’m really sorry. Hindi na mauulit ‘yun, hindi na kita ikukumpara sa pinsan ko, hindi ko na babanggitin ang pangalan n‘ya sa ‘yo. I-I said I will make you happier but look at you, you’re crying because I hurt your feelings."

Kumapit ako sa balikat niya at lalong naiyak ng tahimik. Umiiyak ako dahil hindi magtatagal, masasaktan ko rin si Gavin kapag nalaman niya ang totoong nararamdaman ko.

But... I can't tell him now. Wala akong lakas ng loob para sabihin 'yun ngayon.

"Konan... hey."

"I like you so much, Gavin. Gusto kita. Gustong-gusto kita. Gusto kita, gusto kita, gusto kita..."

Kumalas siya sa yakap at kunot-noo akong tinignan sa mata, "What’s the matter?"

"Gusto kita, gusto kita, gusto kita---"

And for the third time, he kissed my lips to shut up. His one hand held my nape to deepened the kiss, I felt his tounge inside my mouth.

Mariin akong napapikit kasabay ng pagtulo ng aking luha. Masarap sa pakiramdam na hinahalikan niya 'ko ngayon, pero habang ginagawa namin 'to, mukha ni Sir Claudius ang nakikita ko sa aking isipan.

After we shared a passionate kiss, he looked at me with eyes dilated with love and darkness.

"I’ve heard a lot. Alam mo ang pinaka mahalaga sa akin ngayon? Ikaw. Wala akong pakialam sa ibang bagay, basta nasa akin ka, kuntento na ‘ko. Akin ka lang, Konan. Ako lang ang dapat mong gustuhin at wala nang iba," Gavin didn't even blink, rather, an unnatural smile curled upon his thin lips-- icy and preserve.

My mind is in turmoil at the moment, so I just nodded, incapable of speaking.

Aasa ako na mamahalin din ng puso ko si Gavin. Dahil kung mananatili ito kay Sir Claudius, bukod sa wala akong pag-asa, masasaktan lang ako. Atleast kay Gavin, sigurado akong hindi ako masasaktan.

When we finished our banter, it was already dark. The starry skies, the faraway hills, the crystal clear lake... all of them seemed to be playing a harmonious symphony.

We stood quietly and watched the beautiful lake. A cluster of floating wish lanterns came drifting over from afar. I imagined a group of villagers upstream, writing down their wishes on the lanterns.

A faint smile appeared on my lips. Hindi ko alam na may ganito pala rito. Will your wishes come true if you wrote down your wish on a lantern?

"Here, wrote one for your wish," inabot sa 'kin ni Gavin ang isang lantern. Hindi ko napansin na mayro'n pala siya no'n.

Nilagay ko ang buhok sa likod ng tenga ko at nginitian 'yun, "Naniniwala ka?"

"I wrote down my wish already," he beamed.

"Madaya!" kinuha ko ang lantern at bahagyang lumayo sa kan'ya para isulat ang hiling ko. Hindi naman ako naghahangad na matupad ito pero wala naman masama kung sakyan ko ang trip ni Gavin.

Pagkatapos ng ilang sandali, ngumisi ako at pinalutang na 'yun sa tubig. Narinig kong nagreklamo si Gavin sa tabi ko.

"Dapat sabay tayo! Bakit nauna ka? Ano ba naman ‘yan ang daya mo," saka niya pinalutang ang kan'ya.

Natawa naman ako, "Baka silipin mo, e!"

"I want to know your wish," anito at hinarap ako, "Ako hiniling ko na sana palagi kitang makasama at sa akin ka lang titingin. I want to be with you forever, that’s it."

Humarap ako sa malawak na tubig at ngumiti, "I want that, too. So I wished for us to be in love with each other."

"I wish to fall in love with Gavin and forget my feelings to Sir Claudius."

That's what I wrote.

The corner of his lips rose into a smile while staring at my eyes, "I’ve fallen in love with you. Ikaw na lang ang hinihintay ko. But as I said, it doesn’t really matter. All I want is you, to stay with me forever. I claimed you as mine so don’t ever resist, okay?"