The End

After the wedding everything starts to go downhill. The Districts have united. The war in the Capitol begins. For a while I still have the feeling that everything could turn out well for us. We are still in District 13, away from danger and in safety. However, I am one of the few who seems to enjoy these privileges. With each passing day, more people disappear from 13 and head to the Capitol to fight. Haymitch says they already have enough foot soldiers on site, but that doesn't seem to be stopping anyone. Not Katniss and Johanna either.

Since Katniss moved in with Johanna, I hardly see Johanna anymore. I don't know what has changed, but after all the weeks of vegetating, an old flame seems to have awakened in Johanna from one day to the next. She slowly remembers who she was before everything went south after the Quarter Quell. She regains her strength, albeit step by step. She and Katniss have joined the cadets working toward the soldier's exam in order to be shipped to the Capitol before the end of the war.

Part of me understands. Both victors hate the Capitol, I couldn't even tell whose hate is stronger. Katniss and Johanna were never friends, but something has changed. Something between them has become clearer. Most of me, the comfortable and selfish part, doesn't want to understand why they would willingly want to get involved in a fight that has cost them so much pain in the past. But perhaps it is precisely this pain that drives them. Maybe I would feel differently if I had even the slightest idea of what they went through.

With each passing day I hope more and more that the war will end quickly. Faster than Katniss and Johanna need for their training. However, I learned a long time ago that things usually don't work out the way you hope. This is no exception.

It must be late in the evening when I sit down on Johanna's bed. She is awake but sedated. Her brown eyes pass over me as if I weren't even there. There is disappointment in her eyes. No anger, no defiance, no fear. The Capitol, which she actually wanted to fight, has caught up with her. The Capitol and the things it did to her in the lowest levels of the prison. She did not make it. At the end of her ordeal, it wasn't a draft notice that awaited her, but another hospital-stay. Haymitch told me what to expect in the simulation and it was enough to bring my own demons out of hiding.

Katniss and Finnick fly to the Capitol together, which results in Annie joining me at Johanna's bedside. The thought that even Finnick will be outside the safe walls of this bunker makes me nervous. The only image I have in my mind tonight is his scared face from our first in-person meeting. The more time that passed in District 13, the more I lulled myself into the secure illusion that the children would now have everything behind them. After all the children we lost, I thought it was finally over. I still feel responsible for them, still care about them.

The only bright spot is Haymitch's scant information about the mission Katniss's team was chosen for. They will not fight at the front but will only collect propaganda material for Plutarch and Beetee. The ray of hope doesn't last long.

The days fly by and looking back I can hardly remember anything. With each day that Katniss is gone, Johanna's behavior worsens. She falls back into old patterns. It's the morphine. But Haymitch is no better. He tries to hide the symptoms, but since we share a room, it's borderline impossible. The trembling in his fingers is stronger and he can't control it as much. He can hardly sleep at night. Now that the war is in full swing, I see him less again.

Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming. The days string together and suddenly entire weeks have passed. I feel like I'm waking up from a deep sleep only to realize that everything around me has changed. As if I were under the influence of morphine again, like when they had just freed me from the Capitol.

While Katniss and Johanna were still training, the doctors began to give Peeta free runs. Now that the District has turned into an empty cave, he spends a lot of time with us. Even if that doesn't necessarily mean we do anything. We talk, but avoid difficult topics. Most of the time we just sit in the deserted canteen and try to kill time. Peeta asks questions and we try not to make him angry. Delly is often there too. She has a calming influence on him. The rest of us are physically present, but somehow no one manages to do it justice. Not because we don't want to. We can't. It's different than the visits to Peeta's room. More real. Johanna, who jumps up and runs away like a wild animal whenever we try to start a serious conversation, reminds me that after a conversation the door no longer just closes and I can walk away. Peeta asks a lot of questions about his time in captivity and this is a taboo topic for Johanna and Annie alike. Delly and I try our best to keep more superficial conversations going, but I barely remember most of them by the end of the day.

For a while, I can't say how long, these conversations in the canteen are all that make up our days. Then, overnight, Peeta disappears. Hardly anyone knows what happened to him and those who do know don't say a word about it. Johanna and I are sitting in her hospital room, discussing what we might have missed, when Haymitch bursts in. I haven't seen him for days, not even overnight. He looks terrible. He probably didn't even change his clothes. Greasy strands cling to his sweaty forehead and the circles under his dull eyes are thicker than ever. His look makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Everything fades into the background when he opens his mouth.

"Peeta is in the Capitol," Haymitch says, his voice so torn that I jump off the bed and run towards him. "Coin personally assigned him to Katniss's unit."

They decided over Haymitch's head and didn't inform him until half a day after Peeta's departure. On purpose, of course. Haymitch would never have let him go to the Capitol. When Plutarch finally reported back to him, Peeta had already been in the Capitol for hours. We have no idea how he is doing. Everything we know is based on a phone call that Haymitch was allowed to have with Katniss. Peeta's condition is bad. The Capitol triggers memories he's far from ready for. Being in Katniss's presence triggers memories that could be fatal for both of them.

Johanna, who has been going through a rollercoaster of emotions since her failed exam, freaks out. Haymitch and I need two more nurses to sedate her. By then she has already broken down most of her room. The blood on her knuckles makes me gag, and when Haymitch reaches out to me, I wrap my arms around his neck and press my forehead against his musty uniform.

Information about the progress of the war is coming slowly. We only know most of this because we spend most of our time in the canteen, where there is a television connected to the Capitol emergency broadcasting system. Although Haymitch is involved in controlling the war, he rarely comes into contact with information concerning Katniss's team. All we know is that they're just shooting more propos. If this information is even true. Ever since Coin decided to send Peeta to the Capitol, our distrust of the District's government has skyrocketed.

Another day and again we sit in the empty canteen. Johanna stretched out on a table like a cat. Annie and I sit on either side of her. At some point I started drawing again. Learned in college and then forgotten again, it eventually became a hobby over the years of the Hunger Games. Only while the Games were on. So, I don't know what to think about the fact that I've just started doing it again.

Johanna has closed her eyes, I'm scribbling something in front of me and Annie is absently following the movements of the pencil when the television turns on with a quiet click. We turn our heads. Not much has happened on the front today. My heart beats all the faster when the picture switches to a reporter at the Capitol. Unusual. Usually they briefly show the damage while a voiceover reads out facts about losses and evacuation areas.

The reporter doesn't hesitate as she reports on the sighting of a combat squad led by the Mockingjay, Katniss Everdeen. How the group was followed to an abandoned apartment block, which the camera now zooms in on. A large part of the house lies in rubble and ashes. As if to confirm this, they fire another rocket into the huge pile of rubble, which drags part of the neighboring building down with it.

"Katniss Everdeen is dead. With her, the former Capitol darlings Peeta Mellark and Finnick Odair as well." They show the footage again and again. The reporter talks and talks, gesticulating wildly, a big smile on her lips. But I don't hear what she says.

The news hits me like a blow to the chest. I can't breathe. Johanna next to me has jerked herself upright and almost falls off the table in an attempt to move her legs to the side. Annie covers her face with her hands and collapses. Her body is torn apart by sobs. We should comfort her, but neither Johanna nor I are capable of anything.

At that moment, Haymitch storms into the canteen. It's huge, but he knows where we're sitting. Annie is screaming so loud that he would have found us anyway. The look on his face speaks volumes. There are no tears in his eyes, no, Haymitch isn't crying. He usually drinks to forget the pain. He must have run over to tell us the news first. The Capitol was faster.

"We've lost touch," is all he says before we fall into each other's arms.

We hold each other for what feels like hours. I think back to our Hunger Games years. We've never been good at dealing with loss. Back then they were children we barely knew. Back then it was already eating us away from the inside out. A little more every year. Now that we have a personal connection with them, it's a thousand times worse. Suddenly – and this realization comes years too late – I really understand why Haymitch never wanted to bond with them. No bond, no pain.

Katniss, Peeta, Finnick. Haymitch tells me quietly that Gale is among them too. Then I automatically think of Hazelle and little Posy and I can hardly hold back my own tears. If we were alone, they would have fallen long ago. But here next to Johanna and Annie, it's different. Part of me thinks it's easier for Haymitch this way too. We cling to each other and try not to fall apart. What's the point of this war if they're all dead at the end? I don't want to see the end when none of them are there anymore. I deserve to die much more than these children.

The television comes to life again and this time it's President Snow himself, whose face appears on the monitor.

Johanna, who has been running around and knocking over everything that isn't nailed down, stops in her tracks. A deep, hysterical hiss comes from her throat. "You dirty bastard!"

Snow gives a speech in which he confirms the deaths of Katniss, Peeta, Finnick and also Gale. He looks satisfied, maybe even a touch relieved. At least until the program is interrupted by the Rebels and Coin's face replaces Snow's. Johanna just starts cursing louder. Coin gives a similar speech, but further unites the Districts against the Capitol and praises Katniss to the skies. As if the girl actually meant something to her. Haymitch growls disdainfully. We all know better. We know she's been waiting for Katniss's death ever since Peeta was sent.

"I've been waiting for you to fall apart from all this since the moment we first met. You never belonged in this world. And yet ..." Haymitch's voice sounds pained. He's as close to the line as I've seen him in years. Since his own victory, he has numbed any pain with alcohol. How does he deal with it now? "You surprise me, Effie. I don't understand how you do it."

He sounds desperate, so angry. So is it anger that has replaced alcohol? I have witnessed enough outbursts of anger and sometimes experienced them first hand. I'm not like him or Johanna, who drag everything around them into their chaos. I eat it all in and drown in the pain, silent and alone.

"I fell apart a long time ago, Haymitch. You just weren't there to notice." I don't mean to hurt him with the words, but they are the truth.

The following hours put me in an uncomfortable trance in which I am no longer in District 13 but in the Capitol. It's a normal Hunger Games season and, as always, our tributes were among the first to die at the Cornucopia. The loss of children is omnipresent. Suddenly I can clearly remember that one dream that haunted me during the Quarter Quell. When Haymitch and I go to sleep later, it's exactly this one that haunts me. This time, Katniss and Peeta disappear into the darkness with the rest of the tributes instead of continuing to hold my hands. Just Haymitch's arms around my body remind me that not everything is as it was back then. Some things are better, some are worse.

When the death reports are abruptly withdrawn the next morning, I have had the worst night since I was released from the infirmary. Haymitch isn't doing any better. His own demons don't seem to have been put to rest either. However, there is no relief. The shock is too deep; we are too used to the fear to be able to shake it off so easily. That's why I try to convince myself that it doesn't hit me as hard when they declare Finnick and a large part of the rest of the team dead towards the evening. Events are unfolding so rapidly that I'm not sure how much of it is actually true. Could all of this really have happened?

Katniss and Peeta are alive. Finnick is not. Finnick is dead.

Annie has a seizure. I have no idea what exactly is wrong with her. If it's anything physical at all; we doubt it. She cries and sobs and shakes. Johanna has retreated to the farthest corner of the hospital room, with her back to us. She didn't run away. I know she would love nothing more than this. I want it too. Looking at Annie brings back some unpleasant memories that make my fingers tremble uncontrollably. But we can't go. We can't leave her alone. Not now, when Finnick will never return to take care of her. When I close my eyes, I can see him standing next to Annie's bed, his knavish but gentle smile on his lips, stroking her hair and soothing her. He is the only one who can calm her down.

Was the only one, corrects a quiet voice in my head.

We've dreamed of living this life for so long and now it's finally within reach. Suddenly, even though the last few weeks have flown by in fast motion, I find myself feeling like I'm standing in that grand hall next to Finnick again. The life he wanted was actually within reach. But not close enough.

We stay with Annie as long as our nerves allow us; usually until the doctors sedate her. There is a lot of coming and going. Somehow, we shuttle back and forth between her hospital room and the canteen all day long. Now that the war is actually slowly coming to an end, we are all becoming more nervous. It won't be long, not a week, but probably just a few days. If any. Even though the commentator from the Capitol doesn't let any of this leak through. He tries to present everything as positively as possible. Considering the Capitol is losing, he doesn't seem very credible. Particularly when the Rebels frequently disrupt the emergency broadcast to update the people on the typically undisclosed advancements of the invasion.

Johanna and I sit in the empty canteen and stare at the television. I think we only exchanged three sentences today. None of us feel like talking. She was pretty close to Finnick. But the victors were generally very close, and the Rebellion only brought them closer together. I think Finnick was the closest thing Johanna had to a brother. Just like Finnick was like a son to Haymitch.

Johanna curses and I flinch. Snow gives another speech. About the refugees in the Capitol. He opens his presidential palace for them. This man's face is enough to make Johanna jump. Someone has cleaned up the mess she left here during her last temper tantrum. Of course they did, after all, there are still a few people eating here, even if you hardly see them now.

Seeing the Capitol in this disastrous state of destruction is horrific. The city, always radiant and known for its extravagance and liveliness, has lost all its luster. The people from the Districts, most of whom are setting foot in the capital for the first time, are destroying everything that represents their arrogance. Everything beautiful, everything extraordinary. Everything that has always been denied to them. The streets are full of refugees. The people look run down. But even now, many, especially those from the inner parts of the city, see it necessary to take their most valuable belongings with them. It's bizarre.

The commentator names the new evacuation zones and gives instructions for the refugees. I always hope to see a familiar face somewhere. Now that the war is destroying my home, my concern for Aurelia increases. Most people in District 13 barely tolerated me. Probably just because of the company I keep. I don't have to try hard to imagine what they'll do with Capitols who happen to cross their path around the city.

But among the thousands of refugees, of whom the cameras only capture a fraction, I can't recognize my sister's face anywhere. The area where Caius and she live is not part of the evacuation zone, which is why I reassure myself that she's safe. The part where I grew up with my family and where my own apartment is located was evacuated yesterday. My heart is bleeding and somehow I'm ashamed of it. The Capitol has brought so much suffering and yet I can't help but be sad about the state of the city. It is still my home. All my memories are there. Many bad, but many good; even if they are far in the past.

Footsteps echo through the wide hall of the canteen, but neither Johanna nor I turn our heads. Not because we are too focused on the screen, but simply because we lack interest. Only when Haymitch stands directly in front of us and obscures the view of the monitor do we start paying attention to him.

For a long second, Haymitch and I exchange a look and again I feel like I'm falling; again I feel like a shiver is running down my spine. Bad news. There is nothing left in this world except bad news.

Haymitch opens his mouth, but Johanna's snarky voice beats him to it. "Whatever it is, we don't care. Just shut up and go away." The frustration inside her seems about to boil over. She's in a new phase of withdrawal and the fact that everything around us is falling apart doesn't make it any better.

"Effie, go to our quarters and get the bag that's in the closet. Pack everything you want to take with you. Clothing, hygiene, whatever. But hurry up. Johanna, you too. Go and pack your things. We're leaving. Right now."

The silence that follows feels oppressive and relieving at the same time.

"Right now?" Johanna repeats, amazed that the time we've been talking about for so long has finally come.

"Right now," Haymitch replies, looking frantically at his watch. "I'll meet you at the hangar in fifteen minutes."

Haymitch disappears towards the hangar and Johanna and I walk to our quarters. It's over. The war is over. We're flying to the Capitol. These are our last minutes in District 13.

When I get to our room, of course I know which bag Haymitch was referring to. We've talked about these arrangements often enough. It was clear from the start that if the Districts won the war, the march to the Capitol would be a quick process. There is hardly anything to pack. Other than the necklace and earrings Haymitch gave me before Finnick and Annie's wedding, I don't have any personal items here. I haven't taken off the necklace since that day and only take off the earrings at night.

The hangar is full of gray people, but there is no chaos. Everyone knows where they have to go. The remaining District 13 fleet will move to the Capitol. Haymitch finds me before I find him. Then Johanna appears at my side and we enter the largest hovercraft. Coin and Plutarch and the President's advisors are already there. They moved Command to the ship's bridge. A huge room with a view to the front. The walls that aren't made of glass are plastered with monitors. Each shows a different scene of the war; the fighting is still ongoing.

The fleet takes off on time like clockwork. The flight will last almost three hours. The idea that I will be back, back in the Capitol, in just three hours is incomprehensible. The idea that it could all be over soon is incomprehensible.

Haymitch's fingers close around mine as we stand next to one of the windows, looking outside. Forests and fields, nothing but that. No sign of life. No sign of war. The sinking feeling in my stomach tells me that this is about to change. I squeeze Haymitch's hand tighter and his thumb starts drawing circles on the back of my hand.

"We won," Johanna whispers. Her voice sounds distant, hoarse and disbelieving. As if she was waiting to wake up from a dream at any second. The return doesn't just seem to trigger mixed feelings for me. The Rebels around us feel differently. The otherwise stiff, reserved people of District 13 all become a little ecstatic. This is what they've been working toward for 75 years.

"We didn't yet," Haymitch replies irritably.

"Is there contact with Katniss's team again?" I ask quietly. Haymitch shakes his head and then we keep silent, listening to the frantically happy people around us, all preparing for the end. For the end and the new beginning. I'm not asking why we're already on the move when the battles are obviously still going on; I just lean my head against Haymitch's shoulder.

The end comes an hour later. Unexpected and different. Images that have nightmare potential. Images that shock neither Haymitch, Johanna or me because they were part of our everyday life for many years. It still doesn't make the pain any less. Even the Rebels around us pause and stare intently at the screens; watch as the barricade of children in front of the presidential palace is torn apart by the bombs that sail towards them in the form of parachutes. Parachutes, familiar to everyone from the Hunger Games, but usually not associated with death.

"Now Snow is slaughtering Capitol children to save his ass," Johanna says, disgust and anger evident in her tone, but no surprise.

A second wave of bombs detonates and now even we jump in surprise. Anyone who survived the first explosion is certainly dead by now. It's no longer just children, but also medics and soldiers from both camps who fall victim to the parachutes. No side seems so cruel that they wouldn't have wanted to help the children. Now, they too are no longer among us.

I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to break down. So many senseless lives lost. What is the meaning of life if it goes like this? Fear and anger and war and death.

The Capitol is laying down its arms before we even reach the ground. War is war, but sacrificing children is a step too far even for many Peacekeepers. How ironic. Snow has now turned into a murderer in the eyes of the Capitol. Coin's face looks quite pleased when the news comes that the presidential palace has been stormed and Snow has been arrested.

Only when the hovercraft reaches a Capitol outpost and we disembark the ship via a ramp; only when the glittering skyline of the capital unfolds in the distance before us, does Haymitch begin to speak. His hand is still entwined with mine as he utters the words. They sound bitter and angry and hopeless at the same time.

"It wasn't Snow who dropped those parachutes. It was us."

-

After a long time in 13, it's finally time for all of our protagonists to turn back to the Capitol. Where it all started, where it all ends. This chapter was more of a transition, a kind of retelling since in the book, we only get Katniss's pov from the Capitol. But I can barely imagine how nerve-wrecking it must be to sit on the other side of the table, unable to interfere, unable to help or do anything at all for that matter. 

What do you think about this chapter? Please let me know! There will be six more chapters before this story ends, we're almost at the end of this amazing journey. I hope you liked the ride!

Skyllen