Song inspiration for this chapter: A Little Party Never Killed Nobody (All We Got) – Fergie, Q-Tip & GoonRock & California Dreamin' – Sia

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Demons In My Heart

In the afternoon we have to pick Peeta and Katniss up on the main floor. Until then, Haymitch and I don't cross paths. When I come into the living room, he is already waiting for me. He wears a dark blue suit that flatters his blond hair. To my surprise, it looks neat. I happen to be wearing a dark blue cocktail dress and a blonde wig. As I become aware of our identical colors, I consider for a moment whether to quickly disappear again and put on something else.

But then his head turns in my direction and it's too late to retreat. I see his eyes register my outfit. Haymitch's mouth twists into a grin. I hope he doesn't get too excited about it now. After all, it was just a coincidence! Men ...

I walk up to him and he turns all the way to me. I sigh when I see his tie. It's completely twisted, and he didn't even bother to tie it properly. He raises an eyebrow questioningly and I nod in his direction. "Your tie," I murmur, moving toward him in a trance and before I can stop myself, my hands are at his neck. Realizing what I'm doing, I flinch and in result, look Haymitch straight in the eye. He lowers his head to me, a slight smile on his lips.

Suddenly I can't breathe anymore. Everything about this brings back a long-lost memory and I can see Haymitch not being able to hold it back either. But unlike me, he doesn't seem to be trying to push it away. "Go on," he demands, but his voice sounds infinitely soft. He doesn't sneer at me like he usually does. His eyes regard me unperturbed and I recognize an expression I haven't seen on his face in a very long time. A mixture of longing and satisfaction that chokes my throat.

I do as he says and straighten his tie in no time. Satisfied, I take a step back and look at him. "We can go," I say quietly, then turn on my heel before I can do any more stupid things. Haymitch follows me in silence. I hear his footsteps behind me.

Now that he can't look me in the face, my features are slipping. I'm dismayed to realize that I've dropped my facade again. Where is this sudden change in our dynamic coming from? A dynamic that seems too familiar to me to pretend not to know the answer to that question. I shake my head and force my gaze at the elevators ahead. I step into the cabin, closely followed by Haymitch. In the years of close collaboration, one learns to sense when the other is close by. I feel his body behind me and I know he's looking at me. Expectant. Maybe he's waiting for a reaction from me. However, he will not get one.

I used to enjoy riding elevators. Dashing down to the ground at high speed and watching people through the glass dome transforming from tiny colorful dots into colorful creatures. I hardly pay any attention to it nowadays. I have more important things to worry about than enjoying the elevator ride. "Ridiculous."

Haymitch's head lowers to me and he gazes questioningly at me. "What's so ridiculous?" He sounds honestly amused and that I really can't stand after what just happened. So I ignore him.

The door opens silently, and we slide out into the crowd. Katniss and Peeta aren't back yet. That means waiting. Here and there someone gives us a knowing look, but at large we go unnoticed. Unlike usual, it's just fine with me today. As the day draws to a close, so does the sense of security. The fear returns. It nestles slowly and insidiously in my stomach and just waits for the last rays of sunshine to disappear behind the horizon.

"Here they come," Haymitch says, making me wince. I raise my head and look at him. He returns my gaze and seems a little hesitant. Then, as if knowing that I didn't understand what he was saying, he repeats himself. "Here they come."

Haymitch nods in their direction and I follow his gaze. At first I don't see them, but then, as they get closer, I recognize them. Running alongside them are Chaff and Seeder. They seem happy to talk and take their time. Time for me to put my thoughts away one last time and put on my smile. When they see us, they wave us over. We approach each other at a leisurely pace.

Peeta looks at our outfits and laughs. "Apparently partnering is in fashion this year."

Haymitch and I look at each other and I remember the uniform color of our clothes. "It was a coincidence," I reply, rolling my eyes. Beside me, Haymitch remains silent and lets me do the talking. "How did you do?"

"It was quite interesting," Peeta tells us as Chaff links arms with him and rocks back and forth. "We spent most of our time with this slob." Even Katniss can't help but smile.

I nod again because Chaff isn't the victor they should be hanging out with. Haymitch always gets in the way of my plans. I then look at Seeder, who glances at her district partner, who in turn exchanges a look with Haymitch. Chaff lets go of Peeta and pats Haymitch on the shoulder. "You look bad, my friend. A drink will do you good."

Haymitch lets out a final hum and then starts moving. He doesn't say anything, just walks away. Chaff gives me one last wink and pulls Haymitch behind him. The two leave with the elevator.

As soon as they are out of range, Seeder vents her frustration. "These two will keep the whole floor awake all night," she states resignedly. " In the few years I've had to play mentor, they've always done that. And I was hoping he'd pull himself together this year at least." Then she excuses herself, gives me one last friendly look and follows the two older victors. Probably to prevent the worst of the chaos. And they really do that every year. Mostly on our floor though.

oOo

Haymitch doesn't show up for dinner. Katniss and Peeta tell me about every little thing that happened in training. How Finnick taught Katniss how to use the trident, or how Peeta drew with the morphlings. I listen to them, comment in a few places as usual, and chuckle here and there when something strikes me as amusing. I'm glad that at least Finnick took care of them and make a note to thank him for it later.

The two are not bad company, especially Peeta always has a nice word on his lips. Katniss lets him do most of the talking, but also contributes. It's past midnight when we retire for the night. I'm in no hurry to get to bed. I slowly remove my make-up and slip into my silk nightgown. Then I brush my hair one last time and move to the window.

The view is really exceptional. When I close my eyes I see myself walking the streets of the Capitol. Hooked up with my friends. Ready to hit the night. Now that I think about it, I feel silly for hiding behind all-night parties back then. It had its charms, we were young and wanted to conquer the world. Today I still like to go to parties. However, those that are for the upper class. I think of the children and young people in the districts who have to fear for their lives every year up to their 18th birthday. A bizarre contrast to the life of a teenager in the Capitol. I'm surprised at myself that this comparison hasn't occurred to me sooner.

Exhaustion is spreading through me. The sleepless nights of the last few days are slowly taking their toll. Maybe my brain is too tired today to make up dreams for me. This theory is so far off that I hardly believe it myself. Now that I've started thinking about it, the fear is back in an instant. All day long it has unobtrusively made its way through my veins. I know I'll have to sleep sometime. For Katniss and Peeta. A drained escort is not good for them. So I reluctantly go to sleep.

oOo

I sit up straight. The blankets have unnervingly wrapped around my legs. I prick up my ears. I don't know what it was, but it woke me up. A woman's scream makes me jump. It is high and fills the whole room. But I know it must come from outside. She shouts something unintelligible. Every fiber in my body resists getting up and checking, but I do it anyway. I have to.

My room is completely dark. There is no light even coming in from outside. As if the Capitol had turned off its lights. Somehow I finally reach the hallway. It's pitch black and I can barely see my own hand in front of my eyes. And yet I spot the shadow standing a few meters away from me. I'm sure it is not aware that I can see it. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up, which means nothing other than that danger is in the air.

I dare not breathe or even move. The shadow doesn't move either. As if it were waiting for something. I almost forgot the real reason I got up as the screeching echoes repeatedly through the floor. Louder and closer this time. It wasn't the shadow.

The screams startle me so much that I jump backwards. Suddenly, the shadow raises its head in my direction, as if it had actually been unaware of my presence until now. Then it suddenly jumps at me. I scream.

The shadow lunges at me, arms outstretched, and the only smart thing I can think of is turn around and try to escape. I trip over the sofa and manage to break the fall with my hands at the last moment before I hit the ground violently. But I don't stop. The force of the fall is so violent that I skid across the floor. I slam against the bar with a loud crash. My cry of pain drowns out the shadow's footsteps. But I can't give up. I jump up and find myself facing my pursuer. Face to Face.

The screeching is louder than ever. The second it takes me to turn my head toward the windows, which overlook a lightless Capitol, gives it a chance to get a step closer to me. Where is this woman? Where's the screeching coming from? Has it already hurt her?

The screeching repeats and this time I understand it. A word. The blood in my veins freezes and I am unable to move. She doesn't call for help. She's calling for someone. She calls out a name. My name

Suddenly the fear is swept away. I can feel it eating through my veins. Much stronger than fear. Anger. I yell at it. Yell at her. The shadow flinches, only to return with an army of more shadows. I feel surrounded, but that's an unimportant detail. They can't hurt me. I just need the courage to do something they don't expect. And when she screams her heart out again, I've made my decision. She calls my name. More often. I can only shake my head helplessly. The voice sounds familiar to me.

I turn around and see my reflection in the glass pane. Something they don't expect. I know she is there. And she wants me to come to her. The glass shatters before I can fully ram my body into it. I didn't calculate the intensity correctly and am teetering over the edge. Only the dark city below me. For a moment time seems to stop. As if my fate has to decide what will happen now. But then it decides, and I fall headlong from the twelfth floor of the Training Center.

I fly silently towards the earth. Not a sound escapes my lips. The dark shadows of the lightless skyscrapers are getting longer and longer. Everything goes by too slowly. I should have hit the ground long ago. Everything seems to mix, because suddenly I hear them. Their voices reach my ears from all sides. They don't scream. They multiply into a lovely chorus of voices that support me. As if they would finally accept me into their ranks.

I cock my head to the side and see them. They are circling me. Falling with me. And they smile at me. I will never forget their faces. And this time, they're not missing any body parts. They don't look hurt either, but incredibly happy. Joy explodes in my chest. They live! They are well! Tears of relief run down my cheeks. I stretch out my hands to them. They, in turn, seize it and carry me in their midst.

It feels like a reunion. A sob escapes my throat. A small hand holds mine. I look up into the face of a young girl. Her eyes shine in an intense green. How could I forget this expression? The expression of a malnourished child who can fully eat and drink for the first time.

Just thinking about it makes me cry even more. I want to pull her into my arms, but then I see the sad smile on her face. "Not yet," she whispers. "You're not ready yet." Then she lets go of me.

I scream, but she's already gone. That's when I realize that no beautiful moment lasts forever. They will all go away. One by one they disappear into the darkness. But not all let me go and disappear. Two are still holding my hands. They look at me calmly, firmly and resolutely. They too have a smile on their faces. As I look into theirs, I know my happiness is just an illusion. The truth is different. Sad, brutal and merciless.

Then Katniss and Peeta let go of my hands too, give me one last smile and are swallowed up in the blackness like all the other tributes before them.

I hear myself scream. A sob mingles with the sound, but I can't open my eyes. My own body ties me to the bed and withers me. Suddenly I feel pressure on my shoulders. Someone is shaking me back and forth.

"Wake up!" His voice is more of a plea than a command. How long has he been here? My thoughts race.

My heart stops abruptly when I realize that he's seeing me cry. I take a deep breath and fight against my body which is holding me captive. Finally I manage to open my eyes. Haymitch's look catches me completely unprepared. His eyes are wide with concern. No sign that he's drunk. I shake my head, tearing myself from his grasp and dodging backwards across the bed until the mattress ends, nearly tripping as I push myself against the wall.

I stand defensively against the wall and stare at him, eyes watered with shock. As if he were the enemy. I look around for the shadow, but there is no one there but him. The crying stops abruptly, but my body trembles. Haymitch slowly raises his arms in the air to show me that he is unarmed and means no harm. None of us move.

After endless silence, he finally finds his voice again. "I- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you." His blond hair falls messily over his face and he's still wearing the suit he wore this afternoon. His shirt, half unbuttoned under his jacket, alone is evidence that he and Chaff partied hard. The thought stings me, though I can't say why.

"Go." That's all I can get out. I point my finger at the door.

For a moment, Haymitch looks into my eyes with such intensity that I wanted to cry again. For a moment, that barrier he's maintained with me for years is swept away. Then he gets up. Something in my heart breaks at the thought of sending him away.

When I think about the fact that I'll be alone again in a moment, I involuntarily flinch. What's the matter with me? Where is the strong woman that I once was? I can't suppress my feelings forever. Eventually they will all come down on me like a giant wave and bury me under them. Before I can stop it, I feel a single tear slide down my cheek. I can't hold it back.

Haymitch stops mid-movement and uncertainly looks at me. For a second his gaze is completely focused, tensed. As if he were considering something. Then something unexpected happens. I let it happen. The part of me that's still trying to protect me from it after all this time curses me for it.

Haymitch comes around the bed with slow steps, stops in front of me and without warning pulls me into his arms. Surprised and taken aback by his reaction, I don't resist. I lean stiffly against his warm body and try to let the air flow into my lungs. His strong arms close around me reassuringly. One of his hands travels up to my head and strokes my hair in one gentle motion.

My body betrays me immediately. All I have to do is breathe in his scent. I immediately start sobbing again. I lose control of my emotions and in a split second I decide it doesn't matter; at least for this one moment. Maybe I lunge at him as desperate as I am when I wrap my arms around his shoulders, but Haymitch doesn't show it. Instead, he just hugs me a little tighter against his chest.

My body trembles. With my eyes closed, I bury my head in his shirt and let my mind forget that this is beyond negligent and wrong. I let myself go, let my emotions go and forget the rift that has existed between us for far too long anyway. Here and now it doesn't matter who I am, why I'm here or what I'm doing. Only this moment counts. Haymitch holds me close and doesn't seem any less interested in letting go, even if I don't understand his motives. Being that close actually helps. As he presses his forehead against mine, I forget my fear. I begin to exist again. My heart starts beating again. The blood starts pumping through my veins again.

But no beautiful moment lasts forever, that's what my dream taught me. My body calms down. I stop shaking. My heartbeat is normalizing. The sobs that filled the room just a moment ago die away. As my brain restarts, I suddenly realize what I'm doing here; what mistake am I making. I widen my eyes and pull my head back. The salty tears ruined his shirt. I look Haymitch in the eyes and he looks back at me. There's an agony in his gray eyes that feels like a stab in my own heart. Does he perhaps understand my pain more than I'd like?

Haymitch strokes my hair one last time, and then I jump up and tear myself away from him. He flinches, startled. He didn't expect this reaction. I should thank him, but I can't. I cannot move. I can only stare at him desperately, taken by surprise by myself and my stupid, shallow mind.

The light is on and he can see my face. He can see me. Without make up. Without wig. It makes me so uncomfortable that I put my hands in front of my face. I step back. I feel exposed. Tears well up in my eyes again, for a different reason this time. Why am I making such a scene out of it now?

"Hey princess, nothing that I haven't already seen." It's the wrong thing to say and he realizes quickly. And yet I can't deny that he sounds relieved. "I ... almost forgot what you look like without all that stuff. You don't need it, you never did."

I don't move. The room begins to spin, and I want nothing more than to lean back against Haymitch's chest. But his words make it clear that it would be the wrong decision. At the time I believed him. Today I won't let him fool me. I'll have to be smart if I'm going to escape his charm. "I'm sorry I woke you up. It will not happen again. I'll get a prescription for sleeping-pills tomorrow," I promise quickly so that today's situation never has to repeat itself.

"They won't help," Haymitch replies, his voice suddenly miles away. It gives me goosebumps. He has to speak from experience or he wouldn't be saying this.

Then I feel his hands on my shoulders. A sincere, rueful smile is on his lips. "You have nothing to be ashamed of," he says. His voice sounds quiet in my ear. Soft. "You're more beautiful without that crap."

Haymitch squeezes my shoulders one last time. I hear his footsteps. The door clicks shut behind him. Seconds later I'm alone again.