Renleigh Kensington

I have had a stressful couple of days behind me by the time Thursday rolled around. The New York people played around with me like I was their little doll, they took up my time then dropped it like it didn't matter. It frustrated me greatly, so much so that I had no time to focus on the finalisations for the project with Malik. It was due to be released next January, there was only a month left and therefore I knew I had to make that my priority.

Then again, I guess I had something else to make my priority, right?

Well, someone else.

Styles.

Our conversation with regards to what will happen after this month is over was long overdue, then what happened after the funeral was something else, we had to chat about. Not that I wanted to. Both things were in the past but I knew he would not let them go until we went over them. Styles was all for talking things out and I was all for leaving the past where it belonged – in the past.

I had breakfast with my brother at our usual spot. Whenever I was with him, it didn't appear to be awkward or forced, no matter how much time we spent apart and not in contact at all, we always picked up from where we left off. It was nice to know we were able to be this way as opposed to holding it over the other's head.

This time, however, I couldn't help but feel a bit of tension between us. I couldn't pin point what it was, but it was there.

"Are you gonna be at dad's birthday party this weekend?" Brandon asked curiously. I knew it would come up between us soon enough. It was only a couple of days away. His question caused a heavy sigh to leave my lips, my lungs filled up with oxygen as my chest rose then emptied as it fell. "Look, I know that you... don't feel comfortable around Ja-,"

"Don't," I stopped him. I picked up my glass and took a sip of my drink so I didn't have to talk.

"You are gonna have to tell them, Ren," he pressed and I gave him a stern look. Of course, he would say that. But little did he know that our parents never listened to me. "I can only do so much..."

"This is not your battle to win, OK? I can manage," I let him know. "I have this far, I can keep doing it until he gets to smell the flowers from six feet under."

"But maybe if you spoke to-,"

"No," I interrupted him. "No, Brandon. They don't listen and it seems like neither do you."

"I'm sorry but maybe if you tried hard enough, they would hear you."

I scoffed and gave him the dirtiest look. I didn't want to fight with my brother but for some damn reason he decided he wanted to dance on my nerves and I didn't like when people did that.

"If you want to cut this breakfast short, just say it."

"That's not it, Renny. I'm just so annoyed that you let these creeps touch you."

"Yeah, you clearly don't listen, either," I mumbled. "I'm gonna go and pay..."

"Ren, don't," he sighed. "Stop."

"I don't want to listen to this, so I'm going to go. I have other places to be."

"What, do you have to run home to Harry Styles?" he asked me with a smug facial expression, his voice mocking. "Listen, I'm sorry, OK? I just hate that you won't tell anyone about dad's stupid friends-,"

"Brandon, I'm not sure what part you don't understand of that not working. At all. I have tried – countless times – to tell someone about what happened. I have, alright? From the first time it happened. But it didn't work. Those old fucks kept doing it then people in public did it too and I'm just tired of talking if it won't get me anywhere. So, before you want to blame me for it, think about that, yeah? Words won't get you nowhere in life without solid evidence."

"Then cause a scene. Make a big deal out of it. This is not cool."

"Yeah, well, tell me about it," I scoffed. It was overall wrong that people even thought of it as an option, the fact that a lot of them went through with it, made my blood boil. "Anyway. What do you have on Styles that you get so... smug about him all the time?"

"What do you mean?" he questioned. I relaxed back onto my seat and looked at him patiently.

"Just before. Your first thought was him. Why?"

"Well, why not?" he shrugged. "You put the phone on me for him the other day, did you not?"

"What makes you think that's why I did that?" I questioned.

"I was at your office that day, on the phone to you when I saw him stroll in the building. I had a strong feeling he was going to you so I didn't move. I waited for you to put the phone down when he got up."

"Creep," I laughed and he just shrugged his shoulders. "So, you think him and I are messing around or something?"

"I have for a while now but it's none of my business."

"That sounds about right," I nodded. "It is none of your business but I know you – have known you for twenty-four years – therefore I am aware that it is only a matter of minutes before you decide to run your mouth-,"

"Oh, come on," he laughed as he interrupted me.

"So, I'm warning you now that if you tell anyone about him coming to my office that day, I will stop transferring you diesel money. To make your life even worse, you are going to have to start paying me back for the last two years as well," I told him seriously. I didn't want whatever Styles and I had going on to be out in the open, in the minds and mouths of people. Even if it was family, it was nothing to do with them.

"You're basically telling me you're fucking him, aren't you?" he asked rhetorically. I scoffed and rolled my eyes. Of course, he would come to that conclusion. "Look, he is fit so I get it but watch out with him."

"Why?"

"He's... I guess you could say that he's got a reputation. Always at parties, different women on his arms at red carpet events and trust me, they are not his family."

"Right, so, what is the point you're trying to make?" I asked him as I thought through what my brother said. The always at parties bit confused me a little but the different women on his arms was nothing new. "He is his own person. He can go out and get with girls all he wants."

"Sure, but if he's messing around with you then he needs to cut down on the ladies."

"I'm not worried about that," I chuckled under my breath. Brandon gave me a questioning look and so I explained. "He seems really... um, let's just say, interested in my company. I mean, not my business but like... you get me."

"You really are fucking, oh my god," he said as the realisation hit him and a sudden urge to hit him with my fork began to grow in me. "You are twenty-seven so I guess popping babies out now is a good time, right? Shit, I'm going to be an uncle."

"Shut up," I said. "I'm not giving birth to anything or anyone."

"Whatever," he rolled his eyes. "Going back to Harry Styles, I think you should bring him with you."

"You know, I have always known you never listened to me but like, you really don't fucking listen to me," I sighed and Brandon raised his eyebrows at me. "I don't want to bring him into that environment, alright? It's too soon. I don't feel comfortable. If I'm taking someone home, it'll be a person who means a lot to me or see a future with. But, even then, it's still questionable because we both know how annoying our family is. I'm not sure if I would want anyone sharing an interest in my situation if the relationship wouldn't work out."

"That's such a negative way to think of things, for one. For two, why do you care so much about what others say? You were the one who drilled it into me to ignore what people say and focus on the ones that know the truth because they matter more. Now, you are doing the exact opposite of that."

"It's just..." I closed my eyes for a few seconds as a sigh escaped my lips and I tried to gather my thoughts. He was right. I contradicted myself like there was no tomorrow. Then again, my mind worked in a strange way and for me, it made sense. "Look, going back home for dad's birthday is stressful enough. If I had Styles tagging along, that would be more stress. Stress, that I do not need right now. I know what I told you and I stand by that but when it comes to family and family friends... I just- I just feel so powerless and small and judgable and I always want to do the right thing and it's so hard when so many different people are around. It is completely different to my work or business people and I can't explain it – it just is. I'm mentally not prepared to introduce someone completely new, especially if it won't even work out."

"I don't know, sis..."

"What don't you know?" I laughed at him in confusion. "You are making no sense. One minute you are all for him and I together then you are against it with your whole being."

"I think you might like him more than you let on. Like, yeah, you never brought anyone home other than your ex, which was understandable. But I feel like you may fancy him more than you probably feel like you should? I mean, fuck, I don't know. But you get so... defensive over him? Like, just now. You wanted to know why I was – in your words – so smug about him."

"That was not me being defensive but okay."

"It was, Renny," he laughed. "Listen, I don't mind you fancying boys – men – but I'm just saying you need to be careful, alright?"

"I believe I know how to be careful. After all, I am older than you are therefore have had more experience."

"Alright, shut the fuck up," he snorted. "You have had one long ass relationship, what makes you think you are so experienced?"

"What makes you think I'm not?" I challenged him for which I got an eye roll in return. Him and I were so alike and in times like these I was reminded of it.

"What I think you are is lost. You haven't made up your mind about him or your situation at all and you are just tossing the hot ball around in hopes of it cooling down. Maybe if you'd let it burn your hands a little, you'd get the kick to decide what the fuck to do with your life because as of right now, all I can feel is the tension and frustration rolling off of you."

"Whatever."

"Thank you."

"Huh?"

"Thank you for admitting I'm right," he shrugged. "You can pay for breakfast now, by the way. I'm finished."

I rolled my eyes and muttered, "Dickhead."

I dropped my brother off at his place before I called Styles. I thought about it for a bit, maybe he was at work or went home? Stayed with a friend? If I would've called him now, that'd have put more pressure on him and more people and stuff to deal with. I mean, he was mourning so it was better for him to be with someone who wouldn't bother him too much. At least, I knew I wouldn't have wanted anyone to bother me in a situation like that. Then again, I never want anyone to bother me in any situation, so comparing myself to him was probably pointless.

A loud sigh escaped my lips as my eyes fluttered closed, the darkness engulfed me a little before images from the other day began to replay themselves in my mind. Ones of him and I together, on his bed, his hands handcuffed and tears down his cheeks from pleasure. I thought of that time more than I wanted to admit. It was actually quite freakish to come to terms with because... well, I just found it extremely creepy.

We weren't... anything. We were?

He liked me, I knew that much. Did I like him? Sometimes. He was very... pushy. He pushed me a lot. Which was something I wasn't used to and therefore didn't like. But he was also very patient with me. Styles only ever pried if he sensed he could. Which was – again – freakish. Like, how did he know when to do what? Was he a mind reader or something? Did he get signs from his master who let him know when to go for what? Fuck. He probably did.

Regardless of all of that, I really was confused.

Time and time again, I told him I don't do relationships. At least, I haven't been in one for almost five years. Which is exactly the same amount of time I had been in one. That was crazy to me. I was tied down for five years and now I'm scared.

Scared.

I had no idea what I was scared of. It wasn't Styles, that was for sure. He didn't seem like he could hurt me, then again, my ex didn't seem like he had it in him to hurt me. He cheated and lied, treated me like shit and yet, I just let him. I loved him, so, of course, I let him. He clouded my mind, the messed-up idea of what I thought love was, kept me by his side. Now, that he was no longer a part of my life, I have realised I should have left him not even a year into our relationship.

But I was young, naïve and well... drunk every day. There was no way I was going to leave the hottest guy around. At the time, it seemed like he gave me a lot, now I know he gave me nothing. Well, other than a broken heart, a few nasty names and shame.

I got played and also got the backlash for it. Lovely, innit?

Well, that is Wolf Matthews for you.

When I thought of him – which was a lot, especially recently –, I couldn't really compare him to Styles. Hold on. Let me rephrase that. I couldn't compare Styles to him. Because let's be honest, the man with green eyes and curls could not even be considered in the same sentence as Wolf Matthews, nevermind compared.

I also had no idea why I wanted to compare the two so badly or why I tried my best to find some kind of connection between them.

Like, was it because all the men I hooked up with had at least one thing in common with my ex? Because they all did. It was the way they behaved, the way they lured me into the one-night stand, the way they looked or spoke to me, the way they dressed... one even had the same cologne, as my ex.

Harry Styles, on the other hand, did not have any kind of link or relation or similarity to him.

He didn't behave like a complete wanker. He didn't lure me into one-night stands because we didn't even have sex to begin with. He looked at me nothing like any other men nor did he speak to me like I was below him. He definitely dressed better than my ex, too, his style was just different but I guess that was why he was who he was and that was how he got to where he is now. Then, his scent... well, that was definitely different. Tobacco Vanille.

He was different. To anyone and everyone. Yet he looked so... I didn't want to say average because he was above average. However, he just- he fitted so well into the everyday life that it was crazy to me that he was so not like anyone else.

He was kind and caring and handsome and giving and beautiful and he had a sweet soul and he wanted the best for everyone. He was cheeky and vulnerable and still masculine and passionate and funny and smart and pretty.

Then I realised.

He was completely different and new and that was what scared me.

I had no idea who this man was. I had never been with anyone who was so open or wanted the best for others but not because he had something in it but because he wanted to see others happy. He was so selfless and it made me jealous because I was the exact opposite.

I was a selfish bitch.

A cruel, cold, selfish bitch.

I dragged him along with my plan – the contract – knowing that he would fall for it. I did it because I needed him out of my hair. I didn't want no man standing in the way of my future or life. I had one for five years and he fucked me over terribly. I ended up hating myself because of him. I grew an unhealthy relationship with food because of him. I couldn't trust anyone because of him. I was made fun of because of him. He caused a mess in my life and I hated him for it so much. He tainted the worst picture of men for me and after everything ended, I decided I would never give in to anyone.

That was why I brought up the contract. I knew Styles would want that and sign it without any hesitance. I knew that he would be happy and get what he wanted but essentially, I would still come out as a winner in the end. I was in control of the whole situation and as bad as that sounded, I liked knowing that I had him under my thumb and the opportunity to crush him was there.

However – big, big, big, big, big sigh – when that thought came to mind, I felt bad. I felt uncomfortable and ruthless when the idea of waving him goodbye came up as an option. He was too nice to be treated like dirt.

But so was I and it didn't stop my ex from ruining me.

So, really, the question here was whether I would follow in his footsteps or be the better person.

• • •

a.n.
wait i loved this chapter so much like ren realising why she is afraid of harry and the way she thinks about wolf - which by the way is the first time i dropped his name yay - and whether or not she'll hurt harry like wolf hurt her wow too much to digest

also brandon at the start omg i love brandon so much i wish i gave him more attention but if i remember correctly he will make an appearance again soon enough hehehe buzzing

ummm i don't have much else to say so unless u do please lmk in the comments n also vote <3

PS HARRY AND STEVIE AT THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME A COUPLE DAYS AGO,,, SO FUCKING PROUD OF MY BABY HE LOOKED AND SOUNDED SO GOOD OK LIKE NO ONE ELSE DOES IT LIKE HIM I'M SO PROUD UWU bye