Harry Styles

She let me cry on her shoulder, chest and lap. Then she let me sleep on her. And then she made me cum.

Was she a keeper? Oh, fuck yes, she was.

I grinned to myself as I found the distraction to be a success for at least a little while. I was in the shower that was linked to my bedroom whilst Kensington used the one downstairs.

"She really made me... fuck," I laughed to myself which was a surprise. After the news I had received, it was crazy I had it in me to be joyful.

Once I was cleaned and dried up, I got changed into another pair of boxers and joggers then put on a hoodie. My hair was still damp but I just left it that way. I decided to grab the same outfit for Kensington, only take a plus shirt in case she wanted to put it on. And some soft socks. It was raining outside so it only felt right to take those, too.

When I walked downstairs, I saw Dax sleeping by the backdoor on the rug and it made me smile. I loved my dog so much. With that thought in mind, I walked up to the bathroom downstairs then knocked on the door. The shower was off in there so I knew she heard me.

"What?" she shouted out.

"I, uh, I brought you clothes."

The door unlocked and she opened it. The steam poured out of the room and I chuckled when she looked up at me with her hair wrapped up in a towel.

"Thanks, pal," she nodded as she grabbed the clothes then closed the door on me and locked it.

I chuckled and let her get changed in peace. I went in my kitchen and opened my fridge to see what it held. A trip to the grocery store was actually needed but could I be arsed? Not really. With a sigh, I walked back to my living room, my grin widened when my eyes spotted my macbook on the shelf of the coffee table. I pulled it out, turned it on and decided to put an order for stuff I needed.

"Dexter! Or whatever your name is, calm down," I heard Kensington talk to my dog and honestly, it made me laugh. His name was definitely not Dexter, although she was pretty close. "Fucking hell... ouch."

"Are you alright?" I questioned as I turned around to see her appear from behind the white wall.

"Your dog... I almost tripped over him. He is so needy, I swear to god."

"Yeah, he loves attention," I chuckled. I placed my laptop on the coffee table as I grabbed the little remote and turned on the fire under the telly. Obviously, it wasn't real, but it looked sick. "So, um, thank you for... you know. Coming over and-,"

"Sure, no problem," she responded when I lost what I was going to say. I sighed and leaned back on the couch. Kensington sat down next to me and I felt her stare on me. "Not to pry but..."

"Right... er, it's- yeah," I sighed as I felt my right leg begin to bounce up and down. My jaw tightened as I bit down on my back teeth and my eyes started to burn again. "Fuck."

"Hey, it's okay," she put her hand on my shoulder and rubbed it over the hoodie. Slowly, it reached my back and the nape of my neck. The way she massaged it, helped me calm down a little and it made me open my eyes again. "You didn't place the order, by the way."

"Oh, shit," I mumbled as I looked down onto the screen. She was right. I thought I did.

"What's your background?" she asked me curiously. The window was minimised and a small part of my wallpaper was showing. I smiled to myself softly as I wiped my eyes in my shoulder before I clicked confirm and put the tab down. "Oh my god. Is that you as a kid? Wait, no, that's... that's Mason, holy shit! I thought that was you!"

"Yeah... he looks a lot like me, I guess."

"You guess? He is practically your twin," she laughed. "Do you have a photo of yourself around that age?"

"Maybe..."

And so, we went on a mission to find a picture of me to match it to my brother's. Dax found his way over to us in the meantime, he cuddled up to my feet and decided to take a nap. Kensington leaned to my side, my right arm around her as I somehow managed to use my laptop with my left hand. We went through a few photo folders on my laptop from when I was a kid and I must say, it was pretty embarrassing. I couldn't remember half of those pictures being saved on my mac but it was there. And she saw them all.

"Oh. My. God. What made you cover yourself in Nutella? You were one crazy fucker," she laughed as she clicked through a few photos of me covered in the brown stuff. I just laughed and shrugged my shoulders.

I was a wild kid.

She was looking through older photos now but somehow, my attention travelled from the screen to her. She didn't notice me staring at her because she was too focused on the pictures but I didn't mind. It allowed me to just admire her beauty.

Kensington leaned on her knee with her elbow and kept her head up with her fist whilst her other hand was on the keyboard to click through the photos. Her hair was somewhat dry, the ends of it were still wet. I brushed her hair behind her ear over and over again as I felt a smile tug on my lips. I stroked her cheek with my fingers before I cupped her jaw and turned her head so she could look at me. A soft smile homed on her lips, her eyes looked right into mine and I was glad to see the bags under them were not as prominent as they used to be.

"You've been sleeping good, yeah?" I asked her softly.

"I guess," she replied. "Why?"

"Just making sure," I mumbled. "Can I kiss you?"

"I don't know... can you?" she smirked at me and her answer caused my eyes to roll around.

"May I kiss you?"

"You June kiss me," she said and I didn't get it right away. Then it clicked. And I felt the life wanting to leave my body and join some other dimension. "C'mon... gimme a kissy now."

"Remember when you tried to be funny that one time and it didn't work? Yeah... this one didn't work either, I'm afraid," I told her as a matter of fact whilst enjoyed the way her eyes flickered down to my lips. It amused me how she got distracted by the way my mouth moved with each word, the thought of her wanting me to kiss her more than anything else in that moment was pretty unbelievable as she didn't even want me to breathe near her around a month ago.

"Will you not kiss me then?" she huffed and it made me chuckle. Who was this woman? Surely, it couldn't have been Renleigh Kensington. She would have told me to back the fuck off and let her live in peace. "Tell me what upset you then," she pulled away and straightened her back, legs pulled under herself and crossed. Her big, hazel coloured eyes stared at me without as much as a blink although they moved when a fluff travelled through the air right in front of her face.

I sighed loudly and looked down at my laptop, ready to close it. My finger accidentally touched the arrow button so the screen showed a different photo and I felt the air get knocked out of me. There he was. Not in person. Not anymore, at least. But on the photo. With me.

"Him," I mumbled as I kept my stare on the screen. It was a photo that someone else took of us, a pint each in front of us as we sat on the same side of the table on the wooden benches.

"Who is he?" she asked me gently. I could tell she realised the photo kind of shocked me.

"Was."

"Oh... who was he?"

"My best friend."

"He passed away, didn't he?" Kensington asked and I could only nod. I felt so fucking heartbroken. "When?"

"A couple of days ago," I sighed heavily. "Only got the call this morning... they thought we were no longer friends but since- since we were close and all, his family decided to give me a call..."

"What happened between you two?" she pried and strangely, it didn't bother me too much. I wanted her to pry. No one ever dared to pry anymore. They all just let me be to mind my own business when in reality, there were times when I needed my friends to bug me until I opened up.

"We drifted apart because of his... problems. He was helpless... so helpless. I-I wouldn't have been enough, Ren," I shook my head as I felt myself get worked up. "I wouldn't have been enough to- to- to help him. And I told him. I told him I loved him and that- that I would be there if he decided that he'll... that he'll get professional help. I was ready to literally hold his hand through it... but he just didn't like it. Said I was just like everyone else... said I wasn't any better than those who wanted to send him away to some specialist... he pushed me so far away that... that I got so angry... and upset... god, I was so upset with him, Ren," I forced out a laugh. My vision became blurry and I wiped at my eyes with my hoodie over my hands. I have cried so fucking much already, how did I still have tears left? "He pushed me away from him for so long... that was the last time I saw him. I haven't heard from him until I got the call that- that he's- he's gone."

"Fuck... that's not your fault, you know that, right?"

"But what if it is?" I asked her with wide eyes, a much stronger and sterner tone than I should have. She stared back at me, her mouth a little agape as she swallowed hard. "I believed him when he said he didn't need me, when clearly, he did. But the rage I felt, the feeling of being unwanted... that just pushed me. And I stopped reaching out. When I knew he was going through a rough time and I just- I just let him. By himself. Now look where he is. Six fucking feet under."

"He had other people around him, not just you. It was not just your fault. It was no one's fault. Although I'm not sure what happened to him, I think... as hard as it is to believe or hear, I think that he is better off now. He is... he is no longer suffering, you know? You said that he didn't want anyone's help... that makes me think he didn't want his close ones to see him suffering. I'm sure he didn't want to suffer himself... perhaps him being gone was the best option for him."

"Yeah, the best option for him. But I bet he didn't think of how selfish that was. He left his family, his friends... everything behind. For his own benefit. How is that the best option?"

"It might have been selfish but would you rather him suffer through everyday or know that he is now not in pain and happy?" she asked me but didn't let me answer. "Yes, I understand that it hurts you. That it hurts his family and other friends. But think about how hurt he felt. He was the victim of the situation."

"But- but..." my chest felt tight and my eyes burned from all the tears I held back. From all the pain that I felt. "He left knowing I hated him... left knowing that I was angry at him..."

"I don't think so... you said you were best friends. No matter what happens between best friends, they always know they love each other. He... I think he knew that he was hurting you and hurting his family. So, essentially, I believe that he did what was best. What he thought was best."

"Why didn't he get help? Why didn't he just give in and let us help him get help? He would- he would be here," my chin quivered and there came the tears again. Hot droplets burned my skin in uneven lines, one after the other they raced down my cheeks just to fall to their end. Much like he did.

I screwed my eyes shut as I felt my head hit her chest once again. Her arms wrapped around my body and held it tightly together as I failed to do so on my own. My cries grew louder again and I felt so embarrassed but more hurt to actually care. I felt my heart rip open and bleed as I mourned my best friend.

He was gone.

I was not going to see him ever again.

I was not going to hug him ever again.

I was not going to talk to him ever again.

Never.

"Hey- hey- hey," faintly, Kensington's voice got through to me. I was heaving loudly, I could barely breathe and there was this weird blockage in my ears. I heard Dax bark but it was very weak. "Look at me. Look at me, Styles. Me. Look," I felt her shake me, her hands were on my cheeks and her breath fanned my whole face.

Then suddenly, I heard a loud slap in the room and my cheek burned a little.

She slapped me.

My eyes glared into hers in shock, the act worked its magic because I stopped my hysterics.

"Fucking look at me," she said sterner. "You are going to have a panic attack if you do not calm down. Can you hear me?"

"Y-You slapped- you slapped me," I mumbled as I grew quieter.

"I had to. You were not listening to me," she sighed. "I thought you were going to pass out on me or something. I wouldn't have put my hand on you for other reasons. It was to get you out of that zone."

"I- thank- thank you," I mumbled. My heart still beat loudly and fast in my chest, I thought it would break through my ribs and just fly out of my chest. "I don't... I don't know what's gotten into me..."

"It's fine. You're fine. Right?" I nodded a little. "Okay. Shit. I don't know what to do when someone's going through something like this... um. I'll get you something to drink, okay? You just... cuddle your dog. That's meant to help you calm down, right? Yes. Dexter..."

"It's Dax," I corrected her. "Dax, baby, come here," I stretched my arm out for my dog to see and he wasted no time to jump on my lap. "Hello- hello- hello," a faint smile tugged on my lips as I hugged him to my chest. I closed my eyes and sniffled.

My heart was in pieces and I had no idea how it was ever going to be placed back together.

• • •

Kensington was mad. She literally made me stand up and watch her push together my couches so they formed a massive bed in the middle of my living room. It faced the telly on the wall which she turned on and then made me get under the blanket with my dog by my feet. I asked her to get in with me because I would cry otherwise – yes, it was kind of shitty of me to blackmail her at a time like this, I know – but she just told me to shut the fuck up and wait.

I have seen Big Mouth at least five times before so I kind of knew what every episode entailed but it still managed to entertain me. It surprised me that she put this show on for me, mainly because it showed how our taste were similar. Or maybe everyone watched Big Mouth... I had no idea.

"Allie... I don't know. Soon? I haven't been home in forever. Reckon I'll be home for dad's birthday. I don't know. I... I don't really want to see anyone. You know how hated I am," she scoffed and I didn't hear anything more of the conversation. It felt wrong to eavesdrop but at the same time, the curiosity built up in me made me want to know more.

I knew pretty much nothing about her.

Who was Allie? Why hasn't she been home in ages? It was her dad's birthday. She didn't celebrate birthdays though... that's what she told me. Although, she did come to my cousin's party with me. I wondered if she was going to actually go home. She told whoever that Allie is that she's hated. And she told me yesterday that she was never really liked. That pained me to hear.

She was so fucking amazing. I just wanted her to see that.

"Are you okay?" I asked her when I heard her come back to the living room. She leaned against the back of the sofa and sighed. "Come here," I reached for her arm and tugged on it a little. "Come, lay with me, please."

"No."

"Baby."

"No."

"Sweetheart."

"No."

"Darling."

"No."

"Wine?"

"What kind?"

I laughed as I got up from my spot and jumped over the back of the furniture.

"What would you like?"

"I always drink red, you know that," she sighed. "Let's have white for a change."

"Riesling or Moscato?"

We walked over to my wine wall as I asked her the question. I looked at her to see her eyes look at all the bottles placed in the hooks.

"Isn't Moscato really sweet?"

"Do you wanna try it? I have a bottle opened in the fridge, actually."

"Sure," she shrugged. "So. Do you speak any other languages?"

"That's a bit random... but, uh, I did take French as GCSE. Haven't touched it since."

"Really? Is there anything that stick on you from those classes?"

"Je suis allé au cinema avec mes copains et ma famille," I grinned at her and she laughed. "What?"

"Nothing," she kept chuckling as I grabbed two glasses out of the cupboard then went to get the wine. "It's just... no, nothing, nevermind."

"Say it, woman."

"No."

"I'm not giving you any wine then," I sighed dramatically. She groaned and I knew I won. She was so easy.

"The way you said that was so funny. But kind of hot, too."

"Sorry to disappoint but I don't really know how to say anything else," I told her with a smirk. The need to come up with something else was strong, I felt bad that I kind of let her down. In all honesty, I did not touch the language a second longer than I had to. After my final French exam, I locked it out of my brain and focused on getting pissed at the park where most of the people in my year went after GCSEs. "So, who did you speak to on the phone?"

"Allie."

"Okay... what happened? You seem a bit annoyed."

"I could punch a hole through this fucking kitchen island, so 'annoyed' is probably a little too light to describe how I feel."

"Oh, shit," I muttered as I pushed the wine to her. "Want to talk about it?"

"Not really... I'll just have to deal with it as it comes. Family was never my strong-suit."

"I thought you loved your family?"

"I do. But do they love me? Reckon I don't want to hear an answer to that."

"I'm sure they love you, darling."

"Yeah... perhaps that's why they forget about me any chance they get, right? I have always been the forgotten one. That happens to first born's, I guess. I don't know. Doesn't matter. Let's watch Big Mouth."

And so, that was what we did. All cuddled up with her in my arms, Dax by my feet and our wine on the coffee table on the side.

I wouldn't have minded living the rest of my life like this.

• • •

a.n.
ok but i really love these chapters they're so soft 🥰

remember to vote huns xoxo