I've never been able to properly prepare. For a fight. One that I've been fighting. And will always be fighting. It's not a physical fight, although it can be. I try not to let it be physical, but, you know. Things happen.

I always get punched over and over again. The blows get harder and harder each time. They don't come from someone, but something. This thing is impossible to beat. Each time I fight, I lose. This thing wins. It captures me, beats me, basically destroys me, then sends me back out into the world. All to do it again, and again.

This time is different, though. It captured me, it beat me, and it is basically destroying me. But for longer. I can't get away. I'm calling for help, sticking my hand out, and I hear and feel nothing. It seems, that there is no help for me.

Then I don't just call for help, but I cry, screech, howl for help. My desperate plea for help tears through the night. I hear it echo all around me. Then it's just me and the silence of the night around me. Yet, it's not silent. I can hear my whimpers of pain, my agony, my near death. Now it's just me, and myself. My dying, in pain, lost self.

Until You find me.

You hear me. You find me. You save me. You get me away from the thing that was beating me, destroying me. After You carry me away, and revive me, I get a look at You, and You're gorgeous. You're electrifyingly, terrifyingly, amazingly beautiful. I find myself getting lost in Your eyes. They're incredible. But they're also terrifying.

I look away. I don't want to, but I do. I feel like I have to. I don't know why, because You seem perfect, but I can't. I just can't keep looking. So I run. Not running away from You and that thing, but away from You and towards that thing. It's my normal. I can't get away from it. I must not get away from it.

It's my fight and I will always fight it. So, I get captured again. Get beaten again. Harder. And I'm basically destroyed. Again. Again. Again. And each time You come back. Why? I don't even know. I'm just a dumb human. A lost cause. Yet, You still come, save me, and revive me. I get lost in Your eyes again, and again. It scares me, so I run back to the thing. It's what I'm used to.

And You never, ever stop saving me. I don't want to be saved, yet I want to be saved. I love looking into Your eyes, yet I absolutely hate it. My wants are bipolar needs. I need them to clash. It's what keeps me going day to day. It keeps me from giving up.

But You don't like that. You don't like my stubbornness. You save me yet again, and you don't let go. I'm forced to stay, and I get lost into Your eyes again. They're like all of the colors raging. And yet it's so clear. I see. I see all of the pretty lies I've been telling myself. All of the pretty, empty, vacant lies. Those fibs controlled me for so long.

Whenever it was just me and myself in the silence, it really wasn't just that. You were there also. You were a gorgeous voice above all of the noises, the pollution. I hear You now.

It wasn't ever just my fight. It's not my fight anymore. You defeated, and will continue to defeat that thing. It isn't mine. I just isn't.