h i m

luke really desperately wanted to believe that he hadn't done what he just did.

that he hadn't actually packed a bag, left nothing but a note for the girl he loved, then drove a rental car all the way back to the hellhole he came from.

but no matter how many times he tried to delude himself, there was no denying that he did indeed do those things and in that, he hurt noelle more than he intended to.

the entire 4 hour drive back to his hometown, he contemplated going back. he couldn't even imagine the look on her face when she read the note.

would she be disgusted? happy? both?

not to mention, he felt like a dick just leaving her like that. all alone without any closure or explanation. hell, luke even left his phone with her, which definitely didn't help his cause in the slightest.

yet there he was, car parked in front of a cemetery. the cemetery. it'd been too many years since he'd visited.

his body worked on autopilot as it led him to three specific graves - all side by side. on each grave, he placed an asphodel flower near the headstone, tears already rolling down his cheeks.

the asphodel represented regret and tiredness. which wasn't far off from how luke was feeling. he regretted what'd happened to the three people he once loved most in his life.

however, he was tired of lingering on it. he had to stop living in the past and he knew that, but he wouldn't forget. even for noelle, he wouldn't. couldn't. a part of himself would always feel guilty and nothing could change that.

"hi guys," luke whispered, trailing over the graves with watery eyes, "it's been a while, hasn't it? i, uh, moved away after you guys died. to this nice place a few hours away. you guys know more than anyone that i hate being in one place too long.

a laugh, a forced once, but a laugh.

"did you know i was going to jump off a building a couple of days ago? if you guys are actually watching, you know that i was and you probably feel so disappointed. i am, too. i didn't jump, though. all thanks to this girl."

luke smiled as he recounted the events of what seemed like forever ago. he didn't mind talking to rocks embedded in the ground. in a way, he preferred that they couldn't reply. it made him feel less guilty about what he had to say.

"you guys would love her," he continued, "she's beautiful and the complete opposite of me, to be honest. even so, she still deals with all my shit, so you guys would definitely like her, especially you Jack."

his heart broke further as he mentioned his brother's name and he felt himself lose the strength to talk, but continued anyways.

"on a more serious note, she saved my life. she showed me that life isn't as bad as it seems and she's the reason i'm happy now. i'm sorry for what happened, but i have to move on," his voice cracked as fresh tears fell.

"for her. because i love her, you guys. i love her so damn much and she deserves the world. you three are still my favorite people in the world, always. still, you have to understand that i need to let go. i love and miss you...i'm so-"

a sob broke off his speech and he couldn't help but bury his face in his shaking hands, hot tears dripping down his scarred wrists. luke couldn't do this. it hurt too much and there was too much to leave behind.

"luke? is that you?" a familiar, quiet voice asked from several feet behind him.

swiping at his tears, luke whipped around. seeing who it was, a small sad smile grew on his face.

"hey ashton."

-

h e r

it took a while, but noelle's sobs slowly turned into small hiccups and then into slow breathing. she sat with her back pressed against the desk, the knobs of the several drawers digging into her skin, and yet she felt nothing.

her usually bright eyes were blank and lifeless as she stared blankly at luke's wall. nothing was running through her head and no feelings were being registered.

there was a luke-shaped hole in noelle's heart and nothing or no one else could fill it but him. he'd dug that hole himself and now he wasn't even there to fill it back up before abandoning it.

so many questions were left unanswered. the only thing she got from his letter was that she was the cause of him leaving, good intentions or not. she hated the fact that he thought he needed to change for her.

the idea of that was simply too much for her to deal with. she'd never asked him to change and she feared to think that by leaving, he was only making himself worse.

because change was scary. and change without someone's support was absolutely terrifying.

her phone buzzed near her leg and she answered it without checking caller i.d, not really caring who it was anymore unless it was luke.

"hello," she said blandly into the speaker, eyes still glued to the wall.

"oh thank god," her dad sighed on the other end, "noelle honey? where have you been? your mother and i are worried sick about you."

the inside of her mouth felt like sandpaper as she replied. "i'm fine. i'll be back in a few minutes."

"alright, well, see you soon. i lo-"

noelle hung up before she could hear the rest of his sentence, not wanting to hear him say those dreaded three words that put her in this position to begin with.

slowly, she got to her feet and immediately her knees wobbled, feeling like jelly rather than muscles and bone. ignoring the shakiness of her entire body, she forced herself out of the room, but not before taking one last look at it, memorizing it for future reference.

as she locked the front door and shut it, her mind screamed at her for deliberately forgetting the note luke had written on his desk. she ignored that, too, as she made her way back to her own apartment.

the note wasn't of any use to her anymore. it didn't give her the explanation she needed and seeing the words 'i love you' in his handwriting made her chest ache.

noelle didn't even realize that she'd arrived at her house until she stood in front of the door, staring at the wood stoically.

she'd barely opened the door when she was bombarded by her family. her mom, dad, even kaiden were showering her with exclamations of worry and care, but something bothered her.

none of them were luke.

none of them were luke.

he was the only person she wanted to talk to or see and none of them were him.

her head started to spin and her stomach churned and her eyes watered until she finally broke free of her family, rushing into her room and slamming her back against the door.

her breathing came in ragged uneven patterns and it felt like someone was sitting on top of her stomach, forcing air out of her lungs.

what the hell was she supposed to do without him?

-

h i m

the two old best friends had moved to a bench near the hemmings' graves. luke was still recovering from his tears and ashton was letting him, occasionally rubbing his shoulder in support.

"i didn't know they died..." ashton said softly, breaking their mutual silence. the taller boy tensed slightly, but nodded. "i'm sorry, luke. i should've been there for you."

"it's not your fault," he tried to smile reassuringly. "i'm sorry i never called. it's just things got complicated and then they died and i just-"

"no, stop. i get it," his friend interjected calmly, a shadow of his usual grin on my face. "it's been so long."

luke merely hummed in agreement, eyes moving to the older boy. "it's been practically forever, mate. when'd you get back into town?"

"couple of weeks ago," ashton forward, leaning his forearms against his knees, "asked around for you, but everyone at the school said you were gone. based on what they said, you had every reason to be."

"what'd they tell you?" he momentarily panicked. things that went down between him and most people that attended his high school weren't things he liked to talk about.

"they told me about the bullying, luke," his eyes were narrowed in concern as he eyed the blonde boy.

"ash-"

"why did you let them push you around like that?"

"because i thought i deserved to be, alright? i blamed- i still blame myself for their deaths. what they gave me i deserved. that's all."

ashton was silent for a good few moments and luke couldn't see his expression so he was unable to gage his friend's reaction to what he'd said.

"that's all?" his already deep voice went lower and luke felt his eyes widen. "bullshit, hemmings. what happened to them was not because of you, do you understand me? don't you dare try and argue."

"how would you know that? you weren't here!" luke shot back, feeling guilty the moment ashton's face fell. "wait, i didn't mean it like that."

"i know you didn't," he sighed, running a hand through curly hair. "but doing that to yourself isn't the answer, you know that. hurting yourself doesn't make things better."

subconsciously, luke's eyes shot to his wrists. the bracelets he cleverly kept on were concealing them, but he had to ask because he knew ashton wasn't an idiot.

"how did you know about...y'know?"

"i can see through those bracelets, lucas." the sound of his full name reminded him of a certain girl, but he shook it off. "you never used to wear that many."

"i'm getting better," luke offered weakly, "she's helping me recover."

ashton sat straighter and eyes him with a mischievous look in his eye. "she? who knew lukey pukey had some game?"

"shut up, ash," he rolled his eyes, but let out a small chuckle nonetheless.

"but seriously, i'm happy for you," dimples appeared on his cheeks as he smiled genuinely. "must be a really special girl."

"she is," he agreed. "you guys should meet sometime. something tells me you'd get along great."

"of course! i'd love to meet the girl that's got my best friend all smitten," he laughed, sending luke a playful nudge. "why isn't she here with you?"

"i kind of left her," luke cringed at how terrible that sounded. "but i did leave a note."

"great work, shakespeare," ashton retorted sarcastically. "the poor girl is probably freaking out right now and all you left is a note? please tell me you have your phone at least."

blood rushed to the tall boy's face and that was all the answer ashton needed to let out a loud groan and face-palm.

"what the fuck, luke? you love the girl right? how in the hell does leaving her sound like a good idea?"

"i do love her!" luke argued quickly. "i do. leaving was the only thing i could do. i need to stop acting like a self-pitying douche and come to terms with things so she can be happy. she stayed when everyone else didn't, ashton. i want to make her happy. i want to be the one to do that."

his companion let out a low whistle, leaning back against the bench as he thought over what his best friend had just revealed.

"haven't you ever thought that maybe you don't have to do all this for her? that she's happy being with you because you're you?" ashton suggested weakly.

in honesty, luke was so insecure that he actually hadn't thought of that. he figured that in order for things to go right for the two of them, he had to be different. looking back at it, that wasn't what noelle would've expected at all.

"i'm an idiot," luke deadpanned and the boy beside him snorted.

"don't beat yourself up about it too much," his friend advised. "she sounds like an understanding person. if this is what you really want to do, then do it. she'll be behind you no matter what you do."

"what makes you say that?"

"i don't know, man, that's just how love works."

luke's brow furrowed as he rubbed the back of his neck skeptically. "you think she loves me back?"

"judging by all the things you've told me about her, i know she loves you back."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hi yes you get two pov's today bc i'm in a good mood because 5SOS ALBUM OH MY GOD IVE CRIED SO MUCH TODAY U WOULDNT BELIEVE. ENGLISH LOVE AFFAIR MAKES ME WANNA DO DIRTY THINGS AND IDK I NEED SLEEP.

AND ASHTON TOO. I ADDED ASHTON TO THE STORY BC WHO DOESNT LOVE ASHTON. he might be making a few more appearances after this chapter i'm not sure yet but i'm leaning towards yes :-)

QUESTION 2 OF MY GET TO KNOW MY READERS BETTER THINGY IS: What are your three favorite (non-5sos) songs at the moment?

Mine are: Nirvana by Sam Smith, Girls by the 1975, and This Is Gospel by Panic! at the Disco. xx