numb.

that was what noelle felt when she stared in the direction luke had left in.

nothing processed in her brain. she couldn't feel her body, but she knew that she was crying. she couldn't hear her words, but she knew that she was pleading for him to stay.

to her right, she saw luke's phone still in its place on the ground. noelle shakily picked it up and felt more tears fall from her eyes when she saw his lock screen.

it was a picture she'd forced him to take of the two of them while they were sitting on the swings in her old park. their heads were touching cutely while noelle made a stupid face and luke simply looked at her in a mixture of annoyance and admiration.

more numbness.

she quickly slid her finger across the 'slide to unlock' area, thanking god that he didn't have a pass code. as soon as it unlocked, his phone app appeared. the last person to call him, approximately twenty minutes ago, was a blocked number.

if it were possible, noelle would've called the number and screamed her heart out to whoever the hell it was that they ruined luke and by doing so, they were ruining her.

she desperately wanted to yell and cry and explode, but no one would be there to listen. luke wasn't there anymore to laugh at how worked up she was, but later let her cry into his favorite shirt because 'oh, stop already. i hate it when you do this'.

he wasn't there anymore to listen to her ramble on about how great life really was, taking each reason into consideration and slowly (hopefully) rethinking his decision about suicide. they weren't even halfway through the fifteen reasons and already, he was gone.

luke didn't want some idiot reasons.

luke didn't want her.

luke didn't even want to live.

"no," she muttered, shooting to her feet faster than possible and sprinting up the metal steps two at a time as her mind finally put two and two together.

luke didn't want to live.and after the events of the night, he had nothing to hold him back from doing the one thing he wanted. noelle assumed that not even she could stop him; not this time. but she had to try.

reaching the top of the building, she spun in circles only to find that luke wasn't there anymore. she rushed to the edge and looked down at the streets below. no sign of a body or people stopping to look at one.

finally, she felt something: relief. so he hadn't done it. he was okay. her grip on his phone lessened slightly as she returned back to the fire escape and into her room, intent on giving luke the space he needed.

lying down in her bed, she was immediately hit by luke's scent. she wasn't sure what it was, but it was so entirely him that it made her heart clench in her chest and she shut her eyes to force back a new wave of tears.

god, it hurt.

~

after two days of being questioned vigorously by her parents and basically going through the motions of life as it didn't physically pain her to do so, luke's phone rang.

when noelle tentatively picked it up and saw it was the blocked number calling again, she immediately pressed the 'answer button' but not without feeling a wave of anxiety. she was invading luke's space and treading in a completely closed-off area of his life; she knew that.

"hello?" her quiet voice sounded shaky and unsure which made her cringe.

"you're not luke," a guy's voice said, "are you his girlfriend?"

"um, no," noelle denied quickly. "who's this?"

"my name is calum and i'm from luke's old school. can you put him on the phone? i really need to talk to him."

"oh yeah? about what exactly?" she spat, pure rage replacing any feeling of trepidation she felt.

"that's none of your business," calum snorted. "just put him on the phone."

"i can't! ever since that call you made two nights ago, luke completely broke down and i haven't seen him since," noelle retorted. "this is my business."

"whoa," calum sounded defensive, "that wasn't me, that was michael."

"i don't care who the fuck it was, i want to know what you said that caused luke to do what he did," her voice had taken a full turn, sounding darker and more threatening than ever before.

"i called to apologize to luke, alright?" he sighed. "what michael said was completely screwed up and he took it too far that time. i actually think luke is a pretty cool guy, even with his depression shit."

"then why would you let this michael guy do what he did?" she asked, skepticism coating her words.

"michael's my best mate," he said simply. "i love the guy, i do, and he's not usually such a dick. i don't even know why he hates luke, but i thought that friends always back up friends, so i let him do what he did. that was wrong and i see that now."

"what did he actually do to luke?" noelle questioned. now she was fully curious after hearing what calum had to say.

"i don't think it's my place to tell you," calum admitted softly and she felt a spark of respect for him. "ask luke if you ever see him again."

"yeah, if," she repeated bitterly. she knew that he never wanted to see her again. he made that clear.

"but let me just warn you about something," he added, ignoring her tone of voice. "luke's a good guy and all, but he'll fuck you up. he'll change you in ways you don't expect to be changed and - judging by how much you apparently care about him - you'll let him.

"sadness isn't a load that can be carried by two people. it's something that someone has to carry and get rid of on their own."

"what are you trying to say?"

"i'm trying to say that, yes he may need someone to appreciate and love him, but in the end, the only person that can save him is himself. i'll give you a hint; luke is the way he is because he feels guilty. shouldn't, but he does."

noelle took in calum's words and realized that he was right. luke needed someone and she was there for him, but she didn't know the true source of his depression.

she couldn't put the pieces together if she didn't have them all. only he had all the pieces and only he could put them back in place. all she could do was be there to support him when he did.

having no other words to say, noelle simply asked, "what makes you think i love him?"

calum laughed, a nice sound to hear after her short time of being a recluse in her room. "i can hear it in your voice. trust me, you love the guy. what's your name anyways?"

"i'm noelle," she breathed out.

"well, noelle," he snickered at his little rhyme and she had to hold back a giggle. "good luck with luke. if things work out, could you tell him that i'm sorry?"

"yeah, i think i can do that," she agreed. "thanks for everything, calum. y'know, you're a good guy. you just made some bad decisions."

"i hope you're right," calum's voice was so sincere and gentle that noelle wondered how he could be involved with someone like michael. "hope we talk again soon. goodbye."

the line went silent, sending noelle into a whirlwind of thoughts. all of them centered around luke and feeling determined, she left her room so she could leave the apartment.

as she approached the front door, she heard her parents asking where she was going, but she ignored them, instead shutting the door behind her loudly and walking down the hall.

~

a few minutes later, noelle stood in front of apartment 205. her raised fist stopped just as it was about to hit the door and she suddenly began to second-guess this decision. she promised herself that she'd give luke space. she swore. but after her talk with calum, doing that seemed impossible.

so she knocked. "luke? are you in there?"

silence. not even the sound of shuffling from the other side of the door.

"come on, i know you're upset but please don't shut me out!"

nothing.

"lucas robert hemmings!"

she tried twisting the doorknob this time and found that the door was open. confused, she entered his apartment and looked around, not really surprised at the furniture - or lack thereof - that was inside.

the kitchen only had an oven, stove, fridge, and microwave along with a large door that acted as his pantry. his living room consisted of on large, leather couch that was facing parallel to a bare wall.

it was almost funny how much this set-up represented luke's withdrawn and quiet nature. noelle couldn't imagine him having a huge flat screen tv or even a kitchen bustling with food and utilities. yet a pang still shot through her heart at how alone he truly was.

after trying several doors, noelle finally found luke's room. it was empty, completely void of human life, yet she couldn't bring herself to even think of that yet.

she had just entered luke's world. his entire being summed up into a simple room. noelle found herself wishing that she'd have experienced with luke at her side, eyeing her every move insecurely - as if she'd hate it.

the walls were painted black and had several band posters plastered haphazardly onto them. in the far corner of the room was an acoustic guitar that she could practically see luke playing.

the bed itself was extremely neat, the white sheets and pillows looking as if house keeping had just visited and fixed them up. a far part of noelle's mind wondered how many sleepless nights he spent staring at nothing with no one beside him to ask what he was thinking about.

now his desk was a different story. a large journal took up most of the space, multiple pieces of paper sticking out from it. upon inspection, she came to the conclusion that it was a song book and each lyric he wrote was breathtakingly poetic.

many other pieces of paper and other various items were strewn about the desk, yet her focus was drawn to one thing in particular: an envelope with her name written on it in luke's scrawl.

her mind screamed at her to leave it alone, knowing that whatever he'd written would either make or break her, but her body moved without consent, taking the envelope in her hands and extracting the single piece of notebook paper inside.

noelle unfolded it and her eyes wandered across the page, getting blurrier with emotion as the seconds ticked on.

noelle leanne,

first of all, i'm extremely pissed that you came into my house without my permission. well, you kinda did have permission, actually. i left the door unlocked because i knew you'd visit so that we could talk, but i want you to know that i'm not really ready to talk just yet.

so basically, this note is to tell you that i'm gone. not forever, not yet. but i'm not going to be back for a really long time. i have too many things to sort out and i have to start getting myself together. you deserve more than a depressed, self-hating freak like me. you really do.

don't think of this as a goodbye. because i promise you it isn't one. i'll be back and i'll be normal, just like i should be. i won't stand on ledges so i can jump off and i won't hold a blade to my wrist so i can release my pain.

i'll be happy and bright, i promise. but i'd still like to hear those fifteen reasons of yours. everything is slightly more beautiful when you talk about them.

so, no, this isn't a goodbye. not in the slightest. but it is one thing. it's an i love you.

and i mean that. with every fiber of my being. i love you.

lucas robert

the paper fluttered from noelle's hands as she fell to her knees, large sobs emitting from her throat. she was overwhelmed with too many feelings and it felt like someone was pulling her heart from her chest.

luke had left for her. he had gone to face his past just to make her happy. she wasn't sure what to think or do. she was only aware of three things:

how goddamn shaky her body was,

how she was hoping for this to be some sick, twisted joke,

and - finally - how calum was so undeniably right that it was a wonder how she even denied his words in the first place.

noelle loved luke. more than she could put into words, and that scared her. she fell in love with a suicidal boy who was pessimistic and dark but still so fucking perfect that it actually hurt her.

at the beginning of this all, she'd promised not to let him fall; not without her.

that was one promise that she did keep.

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so if you don't get those last two lines, refer to the the first actual chapter when they meet. it's in the last paragraph of that chapter and it basically says: '-noelle decided that she would not let this boy fall. not alone. not without her." BOOM FEELS (i hope lol).

ANYWAYS! dedicated this chapter to ashley [ilyvmcalum] bc she voted for every single chapter and commented on some and she is extremely sweet and i love herrrr. <3

also, since other authors do this, i'm going to start asking questions at the end of each chapter to get to know my beautiful readers out there! hope you guys actually answer these lolol.

FIRST QUESTION: what's your name? (original, i know. hold your applause.) My name is Marti, if you didn't know :-))