Chapter 17
Frustration

"Blair!" Ida shouted my name and snapped at me.

I kept on spacing out since I came in to her room. I can hear her voice but I can't understand anything. I can see her but she's a blur. My focus is somewhere far.

"Huh?" I unconsciously said when I turned to Ida.

She face palmed and let out a deep sigh.

"Let me guess... Wala kang naintindihan sa mga sinabi ko, 'diba?" she asked and even crossed her arms.

Ida looked so pissed because she knew that I'm not paying attention to her earlier.

Umiling naman ako. "Wala." I honestly answered.

"Okay... I understand why you're spacing out." she calmed herself while saying those words. "We fought with death earlier, it's only normal for you to act like that but let's move on, Blair. We didn't die. We should celebrate."

I just insensibly nodded.

Kung sana nga'y tungkol lang sa muntikan ng aksidente na nangyari kanina kaya ako nagkakaganito ay mas okay. Mabilis ko lang 'yon makakalimutan pero hindi.

I want to forget about this irrelevant feelings that I'm feeling for Gael. He's not worthy enough to cloud my mind, paano pa kaya kung pati sa puso ko ay makakapasok siya. Baka magpa-transplant nalang ako ng puso't utak ng ibang tao.

"Anyway, bakit nga pala nakasunod sa atin si Gael kanina? Sinusundan niya ba tayo?" bigla niyang tanong.

Why does she have to bring him up again?

"I don't know." sagot ko.

"Imposible! Di nga?" she mocked me.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "Can't it be just a coincidence, Ida?" I sarcastically told her. "I don't know why he's there. I admit that we met earlier pero noong tanghali pa 'yon. Nahanap niya ako sa Starbucks during my free time. Pero after that, hindi ko na siya ulit nakita."

"If that's the case..." she trailed and her eyes widened as she pointed her finger at me. "He's stalking you, Blair! You have a stalker!"

Napakunot naman ang aking noo. "He's not stalking me." I said, trying to push that thought away.

Mas lalo lang akong hindi mapapakali kapag nalaman kong ini-stalk niya ako. It's just purely a coincidence.

"Come on, Blair! Don't be so naive." she said, pushing that Gael's my stalker.

It's not that I'm playing naive or primitive... I just don't want to consider that conclusion of Ida.

I was about to argue with her when the door suddenly opened. Isaiah stepped inside her sister's room and his eyes instantly found mine.

And here's the reason why I want to stop Gael from getting inside my heart. For whatever reason I have, I know that Isaiah's more worthy than him.

Isaiah's been loving me for so many years. He waited patiently for me. He didn't pressure me or anything. I belong to him. I know I do.

"And here comes the best friend bonding time intruder..." Ida rolled her eyes as soon as she saw her brother.

Hindi naman pinansin ni Isaiah si Ida at dire-diretso ng lakad patungo sa akin.

"Hey--"

He immediately wrapped his arms around me for a hug.

"I missed you..." he whispered. I can feel his hot breath tickling my ear.

"Why does this kind of scene has to happen everytime you two are meeting each other?" mala-sarkastikong pagtanong ni Ida.

Tumawa naman si Isaiah bago humiwalay nang pagkakayakap sa akin. Inakbayan niya ako bago nilingon ang kaniyang kapatid.

"You know how much I crave for your bestfriend, Ida. Hindi naman namin nakikita ang isa't-isa araw-araw." sabi naman ni Isaiah. "Just let us be."

Napaawang ang aking bibig. Maybe it's because of that reason. Isaiah and I weren't able to see each other everyday, while Gael and I... we always see each other. Maybe because he's the one who's always there. Siguro'y nang dahil doon kaya nababaling kay Gael ang atensyon ko kahit na hindi naman dapat ganoon.

I know I shouldn't be like that. I don't want to be a bitch who's not loyal, because I am. Alam ko sa sarili kong loyal ako. I even went through months without Isaiah nang dahil sa tour nila but my feelings for him didn't even falter.

"Mga kids!"

Halos mapatalon naman ako nang biglang sumungaw si Tita sa loob ng kwarto.

"The dinner's ready. Baba na kayo." she informed us.

"Finally! I'm so famish!" sabi naman ni Ida at nagpatiunang lumabas ng kaniyang kwarto upang makababa na sa kusina.

Nilipat naman ni Tita ang kaniyang tingin sa aming dalawa ni Isaiah. She gave us a very meaningful and teasing smile.

"Kayo ring lovers ay bumaba na. Bawal kayong maiwan sa kwarto na kayong dalawa lang kaya bumaba na kayo." she teased.

Mabilis naman akong napatayo at bahagyang lumayo kay Isaiah saka nagpasyang sumunod na kay Ida.

"Look at what you did, Mom..." rinig kong reklamo ni Isaiah na parang bata at natawa nalang si Tita.

Pagkarating ko sa kusina ay binati ko agad si Tito. Sinilip ko ang glass sliding door patungo sa garden nila at nakitang umuulan pala. Hindi tuloy kami sa garden kakain ngayon. I suddenly feel like it's an intimate dinner because we're in a close space. It was so unsual. Minsan lang talaga kami kumain dito sa dining room nila.

I sat at my usual seat tuwing dito ako kakain sa kanila. Lumabas naman si Ida mula sa may common bathroom dito sa may kusina bago tumungo sa tabi ko.

Nilibot ni Ida ang tingin niya sa buong lamesa't napadila siya sa kanilang labi. Hindi ko mapigilan ang bahagyang matawa. I know that she's already hungry and for her to see her favorite foods on the table is such a punishment lalo na kung hindi pa pwedeng kumain dahil hindi pa kami kumpleto sa hapagkainan.

"Where's Mom and Kuya?" sabay lingon sa akin ni Ida pagkatapos kainin sa kaniyang isipan ang mga nakahandang pagkain.

"Nauna na akong bumaba. Pababa na rin siguro sila." sabi ko sa kaniya.

Tumango-tango naman siya't nilingon si Tito.

"Dad, can we do the taas-baon challenge?" biglang tanong ni Ida kay Tito.

Binitawan ni Tito ang kaniyang iPad na hawak at saka nagtaas ng kilay kay Ida.

"Come again?" he said like he didn't hear what Ida said right.

"Taas-baon challenge, Dad. I dare you to do the taas-baon challenge." mapanghamon niyang sabi kay Tito.

Napailing nalang ako sa kalokohan ni Ida at pigil na pigil na ako sa pagtawa ng malakas.

"How old are you again, Ida?" tanong naman ni Tito kay Ida.

"Dad, come on. Wala naman po sa edad 'yan. I'm still studying kaya may baon pa po ako. Papataasan ko lang naman po ng kahit slight lang." Ida tried to persuade her Dad.

Bigla namang pumasok si Isaiah at si Tita sa loob ng kusina. Dumiretso rin sila sa kaniya-kaniyang upuan. Agad nagtama ang mga mata namin ni Isaiah nang umupo siya sa aking tapat.

"Ask your Mom. Huwag sa akin." sabi naman ni Tito na ipinapasa kay Tita ang kalokohan ni Ida.

"Anong pinag-uusapan niyong dalawa?" nakakunot-noo namang tanong ni Tita na mukhang curious sa pinag-uusapan ni Tito at Ida.

"Your grown-up daughter here wants to do a taas-baon challenge." medyo sarkastikong sabi ni Tito.

"There's no age limit in the taas-baon challenge! Basta binibigyan ka ng baon ay kasali ka na agad." Ida argued.

"Woah there... You two, stop." sabi naman ni Tita't tinuro si Tito at Ida. "I'll add one hundred to your allowance." simpleng sabi ni Tita.

"One hundred?!" Ida sounded so unsatisfied.

Tita raised her eyebrows. "Take it or leave it." she stated. "At least tumaas diba?"

I chuckled. Tita's really a savage.

Araw-araw pa rin kasing binibigyan ng baon si Ida unlike me and the others na nilalagay nalang sa bank account nila ang baon for a week or month. Kwentadong-kwentado ang baon niya bawat araw, but she's not a spendthrift. She's good at saving money for our bestfriend bonding time. We both love to eat. We need money for our foodtrip every weekend na hindi na namin nagagawa this past few weeks.

"I'll take it. One hundred din 'yon." sabi nalang niya.

Natawa nalang si Tita. "Okay. Let's pray para makakain na." sabi naman ni Tita at sabay-sabay kaming yumuko para magdasal.

Nang matapos ay si Ida ang unang kumuha ng kaniyang pagkain. Isaiah's the one who got my food, after Ida bago niya nilagyan ang sa kaniya. Huli naman si Tita't Tito sa pagkain.

"Isaiah, did you give Blair her ticket and backstage pass already?" bigla namang tanong ni Tita nang malapit na kaming matapos kumain.

"Not yet, Mom." sagot ni Isaiah. "Ihahatid ko naman po siya pauwi. Mamaya nalang po."

"Uhm... I actually brought my car with me, Isaiah." I informed him.

Hindi niya ako maihahatid dahil dala ko ang sasakyan ko. Hindi naman pwedeng ihatid niya ako gamit ang sasakyan ko, pagkatapos ay magco-commute siya. Pagkakaguluhan siya ng mga makakakita sa kaniya.

"That's okay." he smiled at me. "I'll bring our driver and car with me para sundan tayo. I'll drive your car."

Tumango-tango naman ako't hindi na umangal pa. Gusto ko rin namang ihatid niya ako. I need to spend more time with him.

"Thank you po sa dinner, Tita." I thanked Tita nang papauwi na ako.

Isaiah's holding my bag for me while his other arm's wrapped around my waist. One of his typical sweet gesture.

"You're always welcome, Blair." sabi naman ni Tita. "Mag-iingat kayo ah. Isaiah..." sabay baling ni Tita kay Isaiah.

"Of course, Mom. Hahayaan ko po bang may mangyaring masama kay Blair?" sabi naman ni Isaiah.

Muli namang napangiti si Tita. "Sabi ko nga..." tumango-tango si Tita.

Nagbeso kami ni Tita at nagpaalam din ako kay Ida bago kami tumungo ni Isaiah sa aking sasakyan.

Pinaandar ni Isaiah ang makina ng aking sasakyan ngunit hindi niya ito agad pinatakbo.

"Let's wait for our driver." sabi niya't tumingin sa may likuran.

Napalingon din ako doon. Nakabukas na ang gate nila at papalabas ang isa sa mga sasakyan nila.

After a few seconds, he started to accelerate the car away from their house.

"Can you please get something from the pocket of my jacket?" bigla niyang sabi habang nagmamaneho.

"Ano 'yon?" I asked him at agad sinunod ang sinabi niya.

Nakapa at kinuha ko ang isang envelope sa bulsa ng kaniyang jacket. Binuksan ko at nakita ang ticket and backstage pass sa loob non. There's also a simple note inside...

"I actually made a song for you... Wala kasi akong magawa tuwing break namin. I don't know if I should text or call you dahil may pasok ka... Ayokong makagulo sa studies mo." he said. "Kaya ayon... I made a song for you. I already told our concert director to include that in the song set list. He approved. So... You'll be able to hear it during our concert."

Napangiti naman ako, but my smile immediately vanished when guilt started to creep inside me.

Habang siya'y laging ako ang iniisip kahit busy siya, ako nama'y may kasamang iba. Ang masama pa'y nahuhulog na. I don't want to be unfair with Isaiah. I want to be honest with him.

"Isaiah..." I called his attention.

"Hmm?" he hummed and took a glance at me.

"I have to tell you something." I started.

"What's that?" nawala ang kaniyang ngiti. Siguro'y nakaramdam siya ng kaba sa pagiging seryoso ko. "Don't tell me may gagawin or may lakad ka na sa araw ng concert namin?"

Mabilis naman akong umiling. "It's not that, Isaiah..."

"Okay then... So... Ano 'yon?" he asked.

He kept on glancing at me while I'm taking a deep breathe. He's so uneasy while waiting for what I have to say.

"I... I just want to be honest with you." sabi ko. "T-There's this guy..." nauutal kong panimula.

I saw his grip tightened on the wheel and his jaw clenched.

"His mom's my dad's friend. We had a dinner with them noong huling uwi nila Mommy't Daddy. But even before that happened, I already knew him. I kinda had a row with his ex-girlfriend." kwento ko. "Simula noon, lagi kaming pinagsasama ni Daddy noong nandito pa sila. At kahit umalis na ulit sila Daddy, he still sticks around me, lalo na't parehas kami ng school."

Taas-noo akong lumingon sa kaniya.

"I feel like I'm falling for him." I stated without hesitation and the car suddenly halted.

Mabuti nalang at nasa tabi kami ng sidewalk. It wouldn't be a bother to the other cars.

Isaiah was catching his breathe so hard. Hindi niya masabayan ang sarili niyang paghinga.

"Naisip ko... siguro dahil laging siya yung nakakasama o nakikita ko. Like I said, he's always around me. But I don't want him, Isaiah and that's the truth." agad kong dagdag. "Sinasabi ko 'to sa'yo because like what I've said, I want to be honest with you and I don't want to be unfair kahit na alam kong nagiging unfair na ako dahil kahit na gustong-gusto kita and yet, here I am... falling for someone else."

Napayuko naman si Isaiah at inalis ang kaniyang mahigpit na pagkakahawak sa manibela.

I saw a tear fell from his eyes kahit na nakayuko siya.

He sighed before he raised his head and looked at my way. Ang mga namumungay niyang mga mata ay agad na tumama sa akin.

The sigh that fell from his lips felt unbelievably heavy, even to me. Ramdam na ramdam ko 'yon. I don't know that a simple sigh and a sight of a tear falling in his cheeks can break my heart. I'm becoming fragile and that's not good. This isn't me anymore.

"Is this what I get for achieving my dream?" he suddenly asked me.

"What do you mean?" naguguluhan kong tanong sa kaniya.

"Blair, you know how much I love you." he said. "I love you so much that if doing what I love to do will be a hindrance to what we should have, then I'm willing to drop everything for you."

"Isaiah... Don't do that." mariin kong sabi sa kaniya.

"Then what should I do, Blair? I always get so frustrated, even before you told me about this... Ni hindi ko man lang magawa ang mga gusto kong gawin para sa'yo. Ni hindi man lang kita maligawan ng maayos. Do you know how hard it is for me?" he said and a new set of tears started to form inside his eyes again. "And now, you'll tell me that you're starting to fall for someone else. I can't help but to put all the blame to myself, dahil wala akong magawa. I can't do what he can do for you just because I'm fucking Isaiah Mallari, the vocalist of the number one boy band here in the Philippines, New Classic!"

I was speechless and struck with his sudden outburst. I didn't know that he's been keeping this kind of frustration inside his heart.

"So, Blair, please... I will not leave the band just please... Please let me do what I want to do for you. It doesn't matter if we get caught. I'll take care of you. I'll protect you from the future outrage of our fans if they will not accept you." he said, frustratedly. "I can't... I can't just lose you."