"It's been crazy a crazy week" Jay says as he enters my room "what do you want?" I asks "to check on you, you didn't come out of your room for three days, I got worried" he says

"I am fine" I says "no you're not" he sits on my bed "I think we should talk about a few things" he speaks

"About what?" I sighs before he points at my wrists with his head, referring to my first attempt "yeah we don't need to talk about that" I says

"Seriously?" He asks "yeah, it happened 3 years ago" I says "so? You expect me to just ignore that?" He asks

"Yeah!" I says "how didn't we know?" He asks "my dad didn't want his friends to know, he didn't want anyone to know so he hide that very well, he made me not tell anyone" I says

"Why was he trying to hide that so bad?" He asks "he was ashamed that his daughter tried to kill herself, isn't that ironic?" I chuckle before he glazed at me

"He was ashamed, he failed as a father and he didn't want anyone to know. He knew it was his fault" I explains

"He's such an asshole" Jay says "I know" I says "so no one else knows expect your mom?" He asks "no one else that is alive right now" I says

"What do you mean?" He asks "Peterkin. She showed up when my mom called the cops. She staid with me in the hospital, I didn't knew why. She told me that she felt the needs to watch over me, take care of me" I says

"I didn't know you were that close to her" he says "what does it matter? She's dead now" I says "she might not be here, but the memories is" I says

"Fuck them memories" I says "don't say that" he says "you don't get it" I says "you loved her, Hales" he says

"She was there when my mom didn't" I says "what do you mean? Sonia cares about you" he says

"I think she was scared of my dad. I always though she put him first but it didn't make any sense because she used to defend me a lot" I says

"you should be a little less harsh on her though" he adds "tell that to her" I says

"I know she could be harsh on you, but this whole thing freaks her out. Maybe is freaked her even more because it's not the first time. Just try to understand her" he says "I do, but I just want her to have my back instead of yelling at me when I am having a bad time" I says

"Was it always like that when we weren't here?" He asks "not always, at first she was really harsh, she even hit me a couple of times but then she got into therapy and she tried helping me, it still wasn't perfect between us even then"

"It's just piss me off because she could've help, she could've tell me what I needed to know. You know how different it would've been if I had one person on my side? On person to talk to" I says

"Didn't you have Jesse?" He asks "he was just a horny motherfucker, didn't gave shit about me" I says "what do you mean?" He asks as he gets worried

"After he overdosed he mumbled something about him liking me and last time I was at his place he wanted to fuck me" I says "what?" He asks panicked "he's just an asshole drug dealer, why are you so surprised?" I ask "Wait- did you-?" He asks

"No! At first he gave me free weed like he always do but when I wanted more he took me to his bedroom, he was high. but I left when he tried to start something. We didn't do anything" I says "did he touch you?" He asks "a little, but I quickly just pushed him off me" I says

"Fuck, Haley" he says "don't worry I won't go to his place again" I says "of course you won't" he says

"You see? That's why it's so dangerous to hang out around this people" he says "that's not true, Kyle is nice" I says

"You also though Jesse is nice" he says "hey they're not the same" I says "how? They're both dealers" he says

"That doesn't mean anything" I says "Haley, you're so naive" he says "whatever man" I says 

"But you knew Jesse likes you and you came back to his place" he says "I didn't think he would try to sleep with me" I says

"But you knew he likes you!" He says "he said it after he overdosed. He was high and we had some deep conversation before I though he was just emotional. I didn't think he actually meant it" I explains

"You think I would cheat on you?" I asks "no!" He says "so why can't you trust me?" I asks "you knew he likes you" he says

"I am sorry, okay? I didn't think he would try anything. I just... I though he was my friend" I shrugs "hey it's okay" he says as he pulls me into a hug

"And I know it's hard for you to say no to people so I am really proud of you" he says "thank you" I kisses his cheek

"At least now you don't have to worry about me relapsing again" I adds "don't you have Kyle?" He asks

"He won't sell me drugs anymore. He thinks it's too dangerous since my overdose" I explains "oh" that's all he says "I told you he's nice" I says

"Just because he doesn't want you dead doesn't mean he is a good person. Have you already forgot about Rafe?" He asks

"Yo, what the fuck?" I says "what? Rafe also saved your life, didn't he?" He says "me and Rafe has a long history, that's not fair" I says

"They both also have something in common. Selling drugs" he says "Kyle never did me wrong like Rafe did" I says

"He got you drugs, isn't that enough?" He asks "you don't even know Kyle" I shakes my head "I know enough" he says

"He doesn't have a choice, he has to sell drugs" I says "you know I don't come from a rich ass loving family too, you always have a choice" he says

"It doesn't mean he's like Rafe" I says "okay I am sorry, I didn't meant it like that I just meant that you can't trust this people, and Rafe is just a great example to why not trust drug dealers" he says

"I don't think you see this like I do" he says "we can't see things the same way" I says "why not?" He asks

"You cares about me, I don't give a shit about myself. You look after me while I destroy myself" I says "it doesn't have to be like that" he says

"I know, I am trying to change. But it's just hard to care" I says "you care about me, I know that" he says

"But it's not the same" I tried to explain, but can't find the words "don't worry, you'll get there" he says

"You know, I don't understand how come you don't like yourself. I mean, you're awesome and amazing and loving and caring about everyone all the time. I just wish you could see yourself the way I do" he adds

"The thing that let me sleep at night is that there is one person that sees me that way" I says "there is way more than me" he says

"I doubt that" I chuckles "you should stop doubting yourself" he says "can I ask you something?" I asks

"Sure, anything" he answers "why are you so good to me? After everything, you're so nice" I says "you're my girl" he says making me smile

"I also wanted to thank you, for welcoming me" he says "hey, you know it's nothing. Me and my ma loves having you here" I says

"No, I know that, it's just means a lot. I know I never talks about it but before my dad left all I wanted was to be able to sleep one night and not have to worry what mode my dad is in or what's going to happen to me, and you gave my that" he says as I was petting his hair

"I just really want to be able to help you the same way you helped me" he adds as I pulls me into a hug "you do" I says

Jay barley talks about his father, when he does it's only a little bit and he always make a joke about it so we wouldn't notice he's actually hurt, I always notice

I know that if he told me that I means a lot to him. Maybe it's also easier to talk about things after you've been through them.

It doesn't really matter if I makes it easier or the situation because all that matters to me is that he opens up and feel comfortable

I never felt as close to anyone as I felt to him at that moment. I really love that boy

-

"Mom?" I asks as we sits down in the waiting area, waiting for a session with John. Ever since I relapsed she won't let be alone, I get it

But JJ is working now so she went with me to the session this time

"Yeah?" She replies "I know you visited Jesse at the hospital after he overdosed" I says

"What? Look I didn't mean-" she says before I cuts her off "I just wanted to say that I think you did the right thing" I says "really?" She asks "yeah. At first I though you acted like a crazy bitch" I says "oh, thank you" she interrupts "but I know you were just trying to protect me" I says

"That's the only thing I am trying to do" she says "I know, and you were right about him" I says

"Did something happened?" She asks "I just saw his true face. And he's a cunt" I awkwardly laughs

"Moms always right" she says "what happened to us, ma?" I asks "you know what happened, you can't blame me" she says "you could've been more supportive" I says

"I know I hadn't been the best mom. Do you know why I am so angry about you from starting doing drugs?" She asks "because it's bad?" I asks

"I saw how it destroyed Rafe" she says "are you serious right now?" I says "let me finish. he was a nice boy, from a nice family. And it didn't only destroyed him, him doing drugs also destroyed you. And you chose to do it after you saw the consequences of this" she says

"You're a wise girl, I don't believe that you didn't know what you got yourself into. Knowing that you still wanted to do it just makes me lose my mind. You didn't care if it'll kill you" she says "I though my all of my friends were dead" I says

"But you wanted this to kill you. This thought of losing you made me crazy. The thought of losing my only child after losing my husband. It was too much" she says

"I am sorry" I says "it's okay. I'll try to be more supportive" she says "thank you. actually, I wanted to ask you something" I says "yeah?" She asks "we have a chance to get the cross back" I starts

"This again?" She asks "mom, please listen. They're moving the cross tonight, it's our chance" I says

"I know I was harsh on you lately, but I am just scared and I can't let you go with them" she sighs "I know, but I am doing better. I had a little bit of a downfall I know that but JJ will be with me" I says

"What if something dangerous would happen?" She asks "so much dangerous shit happened but if the Pogues with me, they would never let anything happen to me" I says

"What about when they left you?" She asks "they didn't have a choice, Rafe kidnapped me" I says

"The point is that they can't control everything. I know they want to keep you safe but sometimes they just can't" she says

"You're right, but you gotta trust me here. You just said you would be more supportive" I says "I didn't meant letting you go and risk your life" she says

"It's not fair. The whole point of getting better is that I can get my old life back, my life is with the Pogues" I says

"You can still be with them without risking your life" she says "but I want to be part of this. I am a part of this, I can't just leave now" I says

"I am scared Haley" she says "this isn't about me, is it? It's about dad again" I says "he died because of this, he traumatised both of us and it all started from this treasure haunt. We're here because of this treasure haunt" she says

"But I am not like him. My tensions is to help my friends, he had money he was just greedy. My friends need me. Fuck it, I need to be there with them" I says

"I can't let you go with them" she says "you gotta start trusting me again. This could only work if you'd out an effort for me, I know it's hard and I understand. But I just want my life back" I says

"You father killed a sheriff because of this!" She says "I know that! You think I forgot it? Peterkin was good to me and I would hate him for the rest of my life for killing her" I says

"He killed himself because of this, Haley" she says "no, he killed himself because he was a terrible person. I am not gonna be him" I shakes my head

"I am not gonna be him, I can decide no. And I am deciding it right fucking now" I adds "Haley? You can come in" John says

"Mom, I need them" I says ignoring him "if anything happens, I swear to god I am killing you on my own" she says before I hugs her

"Thank you, I love you!" I says walking to John "what was that about?" He asks with a chuckle "my mom let allowed me to go with the Pogues to get the cross" I says

"Do you think you're ready?" He asks "yeah, why not?" I asks "your mom told me" he says "come on" I sighs

"You were doing so well, I am shock you're not in rehab right now" he says "look, I don't even know why she told you this. I am doing great, I had a little bit of a downfall that's all" I says

"What if you'll have a little bit of a downfall again?" He asks "it was just weed John, I used to do it a lot" I says

"But It's not the same weed you used to do. Now you do it to forget, you used to do it for fun" he says

"But I am literally not able to do it anymore again" I says "what do you mean?" He asks "my friend won't let me buy drugs from him because he cares about me or whatever and my other dealer tried to rape me so it's not going to happen" I says

"What? Wait-" he says "it's fine, he didn't do shit" I says "it's still doesn't mean he didn't assaulted you, did report him?" He asks

"No! You're making such a big deal out of it" I says "did you tell anyone?" He asks "only my boyfriend, please don't tell my mom. I swear nothing happened, I handled it well and I am fine" I says

"What did you do?" He asks "I left immediately, he was just stoned" I says "nothing happened?" He asks "nothing, I swear" I says pulling my pinkie "pinkie promise" I says

"What do you think I am 6?" He chuckles as I was waiting for him to raise his pinkie "good" I says as he does

"You are really something" he says "but you looks good" he adds "yeah, talking to JJ really helped" I says

"Why don't you want to tell your mom if nothing happened?" He asks "I don't want to hide her anything, I love her. I just find it hard talking to her recently" I says

"Maybe if you starts from telling her this, the next thing you'd want to tell her would be easier" he says

"Yeah, I'll try to" I says "you're doing good Haley. Please tell me the next time you feel like relapsing" he says "I will" I says

"What made you relapse?" He asks "my friends ask me about my first attempt" I says "I didn't know-" he says but I interrupts him

"Yeah, I know. No one knew. My dad was ashamed of it so I was scared to tell someone because he made me not to. But now that he's gone I am just not scared anymore" I says

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks "not really, I just though since you're my therapist you should know" I says and he stays quite

"You already knew, didn't you?" I asks "your mother have to tell us this kind of stuff" he says "why didn't you ever talked with me about it?" I asks

"I waited for you to talk about it" he says "why?" I asks "I wanted you to be ready" he says

"Well... thank you" I says. Not knowing exactly what to say. This is the moment I realised this what I needed this whole time

And I can't ask this from my friends or my mom because they don't know how to react to all of this, but John does, because that's his job, to know.