"Hey" I enters Jesse's room "you good? You doesn't seem good" he says "can we like, I don't know... get out of here or something?" I asks, in the verge of tears

"Hey what's going on?" He sits up as I sits next to him "I miss my friends, I just wanna get out of this... horror movie that I am in" I says

"You have to know how to get out, please" I begs "I am sorry Haley, I don't" he says "shit" I says, upset "do you want me to go get Larry?" He asks

"No, he's just gonna say I should keep hoping, it's fucking exhausting, they could be fucking dead by know" I says

"It's okay, calm down" he says "don't tell me to fucking calm down" I stands up and starts walking in circles "I get it, okay? You're scared, even terrified" he says

"How can you get it? You know what- I don't need a therapy lesson, I don't need a group meeting so I could whine about my feelings and I don't need Larry telling me it's going to get better, what I need right now, is drugs. Something you can get me" I says

"I can't be locked up here okay? I am freaking out!" I adds "I'll find a way out" he says and I nods "good" I says

-

"So, tell me, how is it been?" My mom pulls me into hugs me and sits next to me, she seems better "uh, you know I am already getting better" I lies with a smile

I don't want her to know, but ever since I got here it's been getting worse. I haven't really showed up to those group meetings a lot, I don't really talk with Larry.

I only have been really talking to Jesse, which is probably not the best idea while I am in recovery. We only talk about how we gonna get out of here

"That's great, it's good seeing you getting better" she smiles "yeah" I mumbles "have you heard from the Pogues?" I asks, she shakes her head

"I know it's hard for you right now, but try to focus on your recovery" she says "yeah, I'll try to focus on my recovery while my friends should focus on surviving" I says

"It's okay to feel guilt, but don't let that get into your head" she says, I roll my eyes "hey" she says, I faces her

"I am sorry if I let you feel like your dad was your fault, it wasn't, and I am really sorry" she says "yeah yelling at me that I murdered him could 'let me feel that way," I says

"And I would have to live with the way I treated you for the rest of my life, but what I am doing right now, is trying to fix things" she says

"Whatever you tell yourself so you could sleep at night" I says "hey that's rude, I am doing all of this, taking care of myself and you" She points at me

"For you, I am doing all of this for you" she adds "great. Everyone is better and everything is just perfect. All thanks to you, mom" I says

"You know what? I am really trying here, you could try too you know" she says "what do you think am I doing here?" I says

"I appreciate that you're here, I really do. I appreciate that you're willing to make an effort but Larry talked to me, he said you don't talk much or shows up a lot" she says

"Because those meetings are boring" I says "but it's part of it" she says "I don't understand, being here is not enough?" I asks

"It's a start, but you have to take part in things here for this to work out" she says "but I am better, I don't need those meetings" I says

"Are you sure? You keep saying you're better but-" she says "I am sorry I snapped earlier, even Larry said it's common and part of recovery, it doesn't mean I am not better" I lies again

I learnt a lot of things about myself when I started using, but the main thing I learnt is that I can be a fucking great liar if I want to

"Okay, I am just scared for you. you know that I love you right?" She says "I love you too, ma" I says

I honestly don't know why I was so mean to her, I am just so angry at everything. I am angry all the time, I don't know why I am like this.

I don't know how to feel and it just freaks me out more and more, I feels like I am losing myself

I know she is trying so hard to be able to take care of me by getting better by herself, and I know what I said was messed up

But this is what I do, I just mess things up. Even if something good is happening to me, I have to ruin it, that's just who I am.

I can't do one thing right. That's one of the reason I hate myself so much, if I just had the opportunity to be a different person I'd take it, with open hands

I mean, this is supposed to be my opportunity to be a different person, but I don't feel different at all.

I can't change who I am, I can't be a different person. I can't get better.

-

"Hey" Jesse says entering my room with a smirk, I think it was about 4am "what are you doing awake?" He asks "can't sleep. What are you doing?" I ask with a confused look before he raises a keys

"What did you do," I asks with a smirk "I promised you I'll find a way out" he says, I stands up and we both quietly snicks out and we both rans away

"I am a free woman!" I yells as I runs away making Jesse laughs "What now?" I asks "now, this is my favourite part" he says

"Where are we going?" I asks "just trust me" he says, I nods as I follow him

"Have you ever ran away from rehab before?" I asks "yeah, one time" he answers "but like, without a parent, who forces you to get clean?" I asks

"My aunt, after my parents kicked me out and I started using drugs, she got involved, she only knows I am using though, not selling" he explains

"So you are living at her house right now?" I asks "yeah" he says "why didn't you live at her earlier then? You said you were homeless" I asks

"My mom and her are not in contact, they had a huge fight or whatever so she never really talked to me until one night I begged her to let me stay at hers because I had no where else to go" he says "oh, shit" I says

"Anyways, we're here" he says as we stands in front of a house "it's my aunt house, I got my stash here" he explains before we snick into his house

"My aunt is out of the city at moment so she's not here" he says "that's good" I says "I only got heroin here though" he says "that'll do it" I says as he pulls up a spoon, needles and salt water

I never mainline before, I am scared of needles, but I gave in.

"Do you miss your friends often?" Jesse speaks after a while is silence. We both were lying on the floor, facing the ceiling

"that's a random and personal question" I chuckles "I don't know, trying to make a conversation" he shrugs

"I do" I answers "why did you got separated?" He asks "my crazy ex-boyfriend kidnapped me while they got away" I says "oh" he says, we both were really high at that point and we stared laughing

"Yeah, oh" I says "your story sounds like a book" he says "I could easily write a book out of one day of my life" I says

"Yeah? How would you name it?" He asks and I thinks for a few seconds "fever dream" I answers "why fever dream?" He asks

"My whole life I've been feeling like I am living in a fever dream" I says "I feel like that too sometimes" he says

"Oh shit, I am relatable to a drug dealer" I says "hey! It's not that bad to be like me" he says "you're a drug dealer!" I tease him as I was laughing

"Show some little respect I give you some great shit" he says "can't argue with that" I chuckles

"Do you think that it's bad that we met?" He asks "don't faltered yourself, I would have been using again anyways" I says

"Why?" He asks "I feel lonely. loneliness is a very powerful feeling I can't handle" I says "do you feel lonely because your friends is not here?" He asks

"I am too high for having this conversation" I says "it's the best time for having this conversation, you can blame the drugs for what you're saying" he says making me laughs

"They are everything for me, I feel empty without them" I says "it's crazy that you have someone that you feel this way to" he says

"I always fantasised about feeling that way towards someone and have that kind of friendships, and I finally had those people, and now they're gone, and I have left with nothing" I says

"You can't know they're gone" he says "don't give me that bullshit" I says "All I am saying is that they're probably out there" he says

"but it's the unknowing that kills me" I says "I understand" he says

-

"Haley!" Jesse wakes me up "what?" I asks "shit, I thought you died" he says "why would you think I am dead?" I asks

"because you slept for 14 hours, I though you are dead" he says "oh, sorry about that" I mumbles standing up

"I am going to a party, wanna come?" He asks "is there gonna be drugs?" I asks "I am gonna bring the drugs, Haley" he says

"How did you even got drugs?" I asks "while you were sleeping I was taking care of business" I says "that's the most sketchy thing I've ever heard a drug dealer said" I says

"Do you wanna come or not?" He asks "I'll come, just let me get ready. I look like a mess" I says "Alright, alright" he says

"Just stick with me alright?" He says as we gets out of his car and walks towards the party "when do I get the drugs?" I asks "I need to sell first" he says as we enters the party

"whatever" I says, he started whispering with some people and handing them drugs "so, Jesse. What about my shit?" I asks

"Chill, Haley. Here" he hands me heroin "don't you got meth?" I asks "it's harder to get meth here, sorry" he says "what kind of drug dealer doesn't have meth?" I tease

"Shut up" he laughs before someone comes up to him and whispers to him something "Haley I gotta go. I'll be back real quick" he says, and before I could say anything he was gone 

I decides to wait for him outside, I sits down in a coach and takes the heroin Jesse just gave me, it will kill the boredom until Jesse will be back

"Shit, there's no fucking way" I looks up seeing Kyle speaking "no shit, it's been like forever" I says before he sits down next to me

"I was worried as fuck, heard you went missing or some shit, I though you were dead" he says "don't worry, apparently it's not that easy to kill me" I says

"Wait what are you doing here?" He asks "oh I am here with Jesse, he's my friend" I says "wait why does the name Jesse sounds familiar to me?" He travels off

"Maybe because he's also a drug dealer" I shrugs "how do you know him?" He asks

"Funny story, we met in rehab" I answers "wait, were you in rehab? And you met a drug dealer?" He says and I nods as an answer

"A lot happened Kyle" I says "shit" he says "you don't seem like you're sober" he adds "oh yeah me and Jesse ran away and now he gives me drugs for free, not like you" I says

"Why does he gives you drugs for free? Are you fucking him?" He asks "what? No! For fuck sakes Kyle" I says

"Sorry, sorry. But that's weird" he says "maybe because he's my friend, and he's nice. It wouldn't hurt you to learn from him and give me some free drugs" I says

"I don't know, I've known this business for a while, people are not just nice" he say "you are overthinking it" I says

"What's that?" He raises my hand, referring to the bruises the needle left "it's my hand you dumbass" I says

"You mainline now?" He asks "he didn't have pills, what does it matter?" I asks "it's worse to mainline" he says

"Whatever, man" I says "no, don't whatever me. What did you take?" He asks "oh, you know.... Just a little bit of heroin" I says

"Fucking Christ Haley" he says "what?" I says "you are getting worse" he says "I am doing just fine" I says "you doesn't seem fine" he says, I rolls my eyes

"I don't understand, you were at rehab. Why?" He asks "I wanna stop, I really do. But it's like a dream, you can't stop dreams" I says

"It's not a dream Haley, it's a nightmare" he shakes his head "you're so deep, god" I says "Haley! There you are" Jesse walks up to us

"Is it time to leave?" I asks, he nods "I'll see you around Kyle" I says "take care of yourself Haley" he says before I walks away

"Who was that?" Jesse asks as we gets into his car "a friend" I answers "alright let's go home" he says before we drives away

A/n: I always promises that Haley is gonna get better and then I do the complete opposite. I wanted to write that she would get better, but I don't believe myself at this point

The last few chapters I've been destroying the poor girl, but I don't mean to do that, it just happens😔