I heard several voices. Dahan-dahan akong nagmulat. Medyo blurred pa ang paligid pero naaaninag ko ang mga taong aligaga. I blinked multiple times. I saw white surroundings.

Anong nangyari? Ba't ako nandito sa hospital? What's with the people?

"Mer..."Agad akong napapitlag nang may humawak sa aking braso. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang nakita ko ang mukha ni Danniel.

"No!" bahagya akong napaatras sa kama. Naalaerto ang mga tao sa kwarto at napatingin sa amin. Gulat na gulat si Danniel.

It all came back. Those filthy fratmen!

Nag-init ang sulok ng aking mga mata. I passed out and I didn't know what had happened. Pero nandidiri ako. Naiisip ko pa lang ang mga hawak at tingin nila nanginginig na ang kalamnan ko sa galit.

"Umalis ka! Alis!" I shouted at him. Agad na dumulong sina Meg sa akin.

"Mer!" I immediately hugged Shadow. I buried my face on his shoulder.

"Paalisin mo siya please. Ayoko siyang makita, Dow," bulong ko. Bumuntong-hininga si Shadow.

"Dan, umalis ka na lang muna please."

Nanatili akong nakayakap kay Shadow hanggang sa narinig ko ang pagbagsak ng pinto. Kumalas ako. Sumalubong sa akin ang mga nag-aalala nilang tingin. Naihilamos ko ang aking kamay sa mukha ko.

"Kuya Naga was furious when he heard about it." I heard Fabia said.

"What happened after I passed out?" kinakabahang tanong ko.

"Hindi namin alam ang buong nangyari, Mer. Hindi sinabi ni Dan pero galit na galit siya nang maabutan namin kayo rito. Nag-uusap sila ni Keith, e. Ang dami ring fratmen nang dumating kami." Si Meg. Nag-angat ako ng tingin. I faced them.

"Ka-frat niya ang nang-corner sa'kin! They were about to..." Napapikit ako. Shit! I can't even say it! I fucking hate them!

"Hey, it's okay. We're here. They can't touch you already." Hinapit ako ni Shadow at niyakap. I hugged him back. I felt him caressed my back.

"I'm sorry. Kung hindi sana ako umalis, that wouldn't happened." Kumalas ako sa yakap. Umiling-iling ako.

"Hindi mo kasalanang may mga halang ang kaluluwa." I hugged him again.

~***~

Sabi ng doctor wala naman daw naging problema sa akin. Masyado lang malakas ang naging impact ng pagsuntok kaya ako nahimatay. Kinahapunan ay na-discharge na rin ako. Sinundo kami ng family driver namin. Nang makarating kami ng bahay ay agad kog nadatnan si Mama sa couch.

"Ma..." tawag ko sa kanya. Agad siyang lumingon at tumakbo papunta sa akin. She hugged me so tight.

"Thank God!" I felt her kissed my forehead. Kumalas siya ng yakap at kinuwadro ang mukha ko.

"We were at the hospital earlier. Pero kinailangan kong pakalmahin ang papa at kuya mo kaya umuwi ako. Ngayon, umalis sila kasama si Dan. God, anak ano bang nangyari? Sino 'yong mga 'yon?"

"All I know is that they are fratmen, ma. Hindi ko alam kung anong problema nila."

"Oh god." She hugged me again. Niyakap ko siya pabalik.

"Tita, I'm sorry to interrupt pero pwede ko po bang makausap si Merian? Tito just called." Kumalas kami ni mama at bumaling kay Shadow.

"Sige. I'll just prepare you some snacks. Please stay with her for a while. Pauwi na rin si Daisy." Tumango kami at umalis na si mama.

We all settled on the couch. Shadow was beside me.

"Anong sabi ni Papa?" tanong ko.

"C-in-orner ng fraternity 'yong tatlo, with supervision from the OSA and your father. Danniel is asking for reinvestigation about the hazing case. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Ang sabi lang ni Tito, you will file an assault and possibly attempted rape case against the three. Solid ang evidence natin, may witness pa. You might need to give your statement and full affidavit. Tatawag na lang daw sila once magpa-file na." Bumuntong-hininga ako at kumunot noo.

"Where are they?"

"Nasa school daw. Kalat na sa campus ang nangyari. Naka-detain silang tatlo sa conference room. Tinawagan na rin ang mga magulang nila. Tito said that you should rest. Pabalik na rin sila. Informed na rin ang mga prof mo." Tumango ako.

"Okay, I can go tomorrow na rin naman."

I spent the rest of the day in my room. I had my special exams the next day. I didn't look at the gossip site the moment I went back dahil alam ko kung anong laman noon. Hindi pa rin kasi humuhupa ang mga chismis. I just chose to be deaf with all of those. It's a waste of time and energy.

Wala akong balita sa kaso o sa imbestigasyon. Ayoko nang maging involve. Papa will handle that anyway. Sinabi niya rin naman sa akin na wag na akong mag-alala. I didn't even want to think about that night. Nagagalit lang ako.

~***~

"Oh my gosh. Mer, have you seen this?!" Kunot-noong tiningnan ko si Meg. Ipinakita niya sa akin ang isang article sa gossip site.

Three Alpha Epsilon Phi members found guilty for the death of a student due to hazing. Attached are the pictures of the guys who cornered me that night. Mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko. So there was hazing.

"Shet! So totoong may hazing sa frat?!" Meg exclaimed. Hindi ako sumagot.

"Let's just wait for Shadow." Si Fabia.

I sighed. Ilang minuto pa ay dumating na si Shadow.

"So what's the news na?" tanong ni Meg. Nagkibit-balikat si Shadow at umupo sa tabi ni Hydron.

"Galing akong OSA. Looks like they'll face an expulsion. Tanggal din sila sa frat. Meaning they won't be benefiting from the org's lifetime benefit. Your ex was furious. Balita ko rin papalitan ang bagong sorority president. Mukhang matatanggal din si Gayle kasama ng iba pa. I actually don't know why."

"Omg. So meaning kasama ang Gayle na 'yon sa case? What the hell!"

"I think it all make sense, Meg. Obviously, that Gayle is in love with Dan." Napatingin ako kay Fabia. Mas lalong nagalit si Meg.

"That bitch! Baka may kinalaman din siya sa nangyari sa'yo, Merian! Ang gulo nila ha! Di ka naman nang-aano!" Meg snapped.

"I think they have their personal issues. 'Wag na lang tayong makisali." Si Hydron.

I sighed again. The conversation went on and I tried my best not to listen. Ayoko na lang talagang makialam.

Padilim na nang nagdesisyon kaming umuwi. Naglakad na lang kami dahil magkalapit lang din naman mga bahay namin dito sa compound.

Pagkarating ko ng bahay, nagulat ako nang nakita ang isang itim na porsche sa garahe. I know that damn car. I couldn't be wrong.

Dahan-dahan akong pumasok sa loob. I was expecting it, pero natigilan pa rin ako nang makita si Danniel na nakaupo sa couch namin. Nanikip ang dibdib ko. I fisted my hands. I don't want to feel it again.

"Merian."

I blinked multiple times when Manang called me. Kasabay noon ang paglingon sa akin ni Danniel. Nagtama ang aming mga mata. Napalunok ako at agad na nagtagpo ang mga mata namin. Wala na ang mga kaibigan ko. Iniwan na rin kami nila ni Manang. Wala akong sinasabi pero mukhang nakaramdam sina Manang. Hindi naman kasi ako hinatid nina Hydron hanggang dito.

"I just want to check if you're okay," sambit niya, hindi inaalis ang tingin sa akin. I could see the worry in his eyes, but it seemed like he was trying to control himself, too. Tsk.

"I'm fine," malamig kong sabi.

Hindi siya agad nagsalita. He was still looking at me, and I was doing the same. But I made sure that I was looking at him coldly. I wanted him to feel all the pain that I felt.

He sighed. "Alright. That's good." He nodded. My forehead creased.

"Iyan lang pinunta mo rito?" tanong ko.

Huminga ulit siya nang malalim bago siya dahan-dahang lumapit sa akin. I felt alarmed. I didn't want to be near him! Nahalata niya yata ang reaksyon ko kaya kusa siyang huminto ilang metro lang ang layo sa akin.

"Don't worry about them. I'll make them pay for what they did to you. Nobody's gonna hurt you again...no more," he said with conviction.

I wanted to laugh because it was ironic of him to say that. He's the one hurting me...

I gulped hard, trying to suppress my feelings. I didn't want to break down in front of him.

"Papa can handle it. No need to make an effort." I tasted the bitterness in my mouth when I said those. He clenched his jaw. Mariin siyang tumitig sa akin.

"I know you're angry, Laide. And I deserve that for being an asshole. I was fucked up, and you don't deserve that from me. I'm a coward and you don't deserve that. I'm sorry for everything, Laide. I won't push myself this time because I know that it's my fault. But I will fucking fix this. I will fix us."

Napaawang ang labi ko nang tinawid niya ang distansya namin at agad akong niyakap nang mahigpit. I wasn't able to move because of shock. Mas lalong nagulantang ang buong pagkatao ko nang maramdaman ko ang paghalik niya sa aking ulo. I then felt his hot breath on my right ear.

"Take care of yourself. I'll be back, I promise. I'll fix this. I'm sorry. I love you so much. That will never change."

And with that, he kissed my cheek. Before I could even react, umalis na siya at nakalabas na ng pinto. Napatulala na lang ako roon habang pinagmamasdan ang paalis niyang kotse mula sa bintana.

~***~

He didn't delete our pictures. It has been a month since he basically left me hanging and impliedly confirmed our break up, but ngayon ko lang na-realize na hindi niya d-in-elete ang pics namin. Nawalan na kasi ako ng ganang mag-check ng socials before. Literal na aral lang ang ginawa ko. But now...I was still there. He never touched a thing in his profile. Pati iyong relationship status niya.

So what the heck now, huh?

I bit my lip and wanted to smack my face. Unti-unti ko nang tinatanggap, eh! Tapos ngayon, ito?! What the hell?!

"Ughh!" I groaned and buried my face on my pillow. Para akong tangang nakatalukbong ng comforter sa kama ko. Gosh.

I took a deep breath and looked at the pictures again. Oh how beautiful it is to reminisce. I shook my head and stared at the ceiling. What did he mean by that? He still wants us together? Fix what? So it's not over yet? We're not over?

What the heck?

But what, huh? Kalimutan na lang iyong sakit na ibinigay niya? No. I'm still hurting now and he's there confusing me! Nakakainis! Nakaka-frustrate!

Ipinikit ko ang aking mga mata. I wanted to just sleep nang bigla naman akong tinawag ni Manang.

"Po?!" I said lazily. Bumukas ang pinto ko.

"Ito may sulat ka."

Agad akong napabangon. Nangunot ang noo kong tumitig kay Manang.

"Sulat? Penpal, Manang?" tanong ko pa. Natawa na lang siya at saka umiling. Lumapit siya sa akin at ibinigay sa akin ang papel.

"Sige na at magluluto pa ako. Ano'ng gusto mong ulam?"

Nagkibit-balikat ako at saka sinuri ang letter. So weird. Sino'ng magpapadala ng sulat in this time and age? Ang traditional, huh?

I was curious about it so I opened it, but then I was stunned when I recognized the handwriting. Natigilan ako. Oh my gosh. Sulat-kamay ito ni Danniel! What the hell?! Why is he writing to me?! Malakas na kumalabog ang dibdib ko habang unti-unting binabasa ang sulat. I actually thought that it was a love letter or something...but it was not.

Laide

It's been awhile, Laide.

I could still remember that day when I first saw you. You instantly got my attention. I never felt anything like that with other girls. Sa'yo lang. Ni minsan hindi ako natakot sa rejection. Sa'yo lang. I was so fucking scared that you'd reject me the moment I confess. You can't blame me. Sa rami ba naman ng binasted mo.

And when you said yes, it was scarier. I never had a serious girl before you. I didn't know how to handle it. Thankfully, you were always there.

It was going well, and I can't explain how happy I am. It's just that I have no words for how I feel. Ganoon ka kaimportante sa akin. Ganoon mo ako napasaya.

Until one day, I messed up. We were having an auction for the sponsorship of a large foundation. Kasali halos lahat ng malalaking fraternities. We won it fairly. But one fraternity can't accept it. One time, when we were preparing for the event, sinugod nila kami. I was so pissed off because they destroyed the preparation. Nagkasakitan. It was on campus so we were reprimanded. Nakarating kay daddy kaya nagalit siya.

Just like you, he doesn't support me being in the frat. Mas lalong lumala pa yun nang nagka-fratwar. It was outside the school, pero nalaman ni daddy. He was angry again. That was also the time when I noticed that there was something wrong with him and mom. They were always fighting.

Then the frame came. It happened during the victory party. Sa parking lot. I don't know what to fucking do. The hell ni hindi ko nga alam kung anong nangyari dahil sa kalasingan.

I felt so messed up. I have frat and family issues to deal with. I didn't know what to focus. You were my strength when the world was fucking the hell out of me. It sounds gay but that's the truth. You were my only escape from those shits.

I would always look forward to being with you every day. I felt so fucked up, you were my light. I never told you anything because I was fucking scared. I was scared again, Mer. I was scared of what you would say. I honestly don't give a fuck about what others say. Pero pag ikaw, takot na takot ako. I am so scared of disappointing you. I don't want you to think that I'm a failure. That would break me. Your opinion always matters to me. And also, I don't want you to worry about those things. Those are my personal battles. Ayoko nang dumagdag pa sa mga problema mo dahil alam kong personally meron ka rin.

Akala ko 'yon na ang pinakamahirap, pero meron pa pala. That was when you knew everything. I was so devastated that night, Mer. I didn't know what to do. You were my strength, pero pati ikaw nawala. My fucked up life became worse.

I wasn't happy. I will never be happy without you. I just tried to be normal even though I was hurting because my mom and sister needed me. I already lost you and dad, hindi ko na alam ang mangyayari kung pati sila mawawala pa.

I wanted to talk to you, Laide. Pero hindi ko alam paano. I was scared of what you will say again. I'm so sorry for being a coward. Let me fix this mess, then I will fix ours. I know I've hurt you and I fucking deserve all the hate. Maybe we need this space. We need to be apart for a while. I've caused you so much pain and if I pursue you now I might hurt you even more.

Fuck. I love you so much, Laide. I will always be watching you. And even if it will take more years, I'll keep chasing your heart until you find your way back to me again. For now, I know you don't want me and I respect that.

I love you always.

Danniel