"Let go." Hiniklas ko ang hawak ni AJ. I heard him 'tsk' before he looked away.

Inis kong pinahid ang mga bagong luhang bumabagsak. Wala na bang katapusan 'to?! 

"Hindi na kita tatanungin kung sinong dahilan niyan dahil isa lang naman ang may kayang magpaiyak sa'yo nang ganyan. Tss. Forte yata nila ng ama niya ang magpaiyak. Like father, like son," he hissed. I averted my gaze.

"Anak ka rin naman ni tito. Nananalaytay rin ang dugo nila sa'yo. Ibig sabihin forte mo rin magpaiyak," I said. 

Doon siya humarap sa'kin. He smirked. 

"Magpaiyak sa tuwa, hindi sa sakit. Tss. Just stop expecting from him. He isn't worth it. Katulad ng ama niya." Nag-iwas ulit siya ng tingin. Nanunuyang tiningnan ko siya.

"Wow, galing mong mag-advice,a." Pinahid ko ulit ang luhang nasa pisngi ko. Hindi ko siya nilubayan ng tingin.

He looked at the sunflowers from a far. Nakapamewang siya habang nakatingin doon. I saw him sighed.

"Wala na ba siyang ibang gagawin kundi ang paiyakin ka? Tss. Tangina, he's not fucking good for you." He faced me.

"You deserve someone better, 'yong hindi ka paiiyakin, babalewalain at pagkakatiwalaan ka," he continued. Lumapit siya sa akin. I just stood there.

"You deserve better. 'Wag mo namang ipagkait 'yon sa sarili mo." Namungay ang kanyang mata. He held my hand, and I didn't know but I felt something. 

"Why are you saying this?" I asked him. He stared at me for a second. Humigpit ang hawak niya sa akin.

"Cause he doesn't have the right to hurt you this way. I fucking hate it," mariing sambit niya, emphaizing every word of it. I felt a lump in my throat. 

"AJ..."

"I hate seeing you cry, Fermin. I hate seeing you hurt. And I fuckking hate him for that." I flinched when he pulled me closer. 

Kumunot ang noo ko. 

"W-What are you doing?" I couldn't breathe properly. 

"Merian...damn it." Nag-iwas siya ng tingin. 

Bigla akong kinakabahan. My mind was telling me to walk away while he was still disoriented, but I just couldn't. I sensed something, but I couldn't figure it out... or was I just scared?

"Merian..."

"AJ..."

Pareho kaming natigilan nang sabay kaming magsalita. Bumuntong-hininga ako.

"A-Aalis na ako," I told him and was about to remove his grip, but he held me tighter.

"Mer... I-I...fuck..."

"Kung wala ka ng sasabihin, aalis na ako," I said coldly. 

I tried my best to keep my stoic face kahit na kinakabahan ako at nanginginig na ang tuhod ko. Huminga ako nang malalim at hiniklas ang hawak niya. I just don't have time for this right now. I was about to walk away, but for the second time, he pulled me to him. And the next thing I knew, his lips was already crashed on mine. 

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. I couldn't move. I felt him move his lips kaya mas lalo lang akong natuod. His eyes were closed, while mine was opened wide. Nabalik lang ako sa wisyo nang nakita ko ang isang pares ng mga matang nakatingin sa akin. 

I instantly pushed AJ. Para akong maiiyak nang makita ko ang galit na galit na mata ni Danniel. 

"Danniel..." I tried to call him, but I was too shocked and the next thing I saw was him walking away from us. 

That's  when I started to panic. Shit. No! No! No!

"Danniel!"

"Merian! Just let him be!" I glared at AJ. All I felt for him was anger. 

"Shut up. I don't need to hear thag from you."

"Tss. Ano ba naman, Merian! Siya na nga 'yong palagi kang sinasaktan! He doesn't deserve you at all!"

"Then who deserves me?! You?! Just leave me alone! I don't need you!" 

Hindi siya nakapagsalita. Sinamaan ko ulit siya ng tingin bago umalis para sundan si Danniel. I will fucking hate him if this gets worst.

~***~

"Danniel, please! Talk to me! It's not what you think!" 

Hindi ko alam kung saang lupalop na kami ng campus nakarating. I kept on yelling at him, but he just kept on walking. Unti- unti na namang nag-iinit ang gilid ng aking mga mata. 

Fuck! Ano ba!

"Danniel, please listen, please!" I shouted once more, and that made him stopped. I was panting when I walked near him. 

Nilingon niya ako. Galit na galit ang kanyang mga mata, and I couldn't even blame him for that!

"Danniel, listen please...i-it's not what you think! H-He just pulled e a-and-"

"Tss. Mas gusto mo pala nang mas gago? Anong purpose ng pag-iyak mo, ha? Para halikan ka ng gagong 'yon?!" Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Parang napukaw ang sakit at galit ko sa kanya kanina. How dare him! 

"No! How dare you say that when in the first place ikaw ang dahilan ng pag-iyak ko!" I shouted as the fucking tears came out again. "Ako 'yong girlfriend pero iba ang kasama mo! You wouldn't even talk to me! Ilang linggo mo na akong hindi kinikibo! Tapos ngayon makikita kitang masaya kasama sila? How can you be so okay when we are not?! Hindi na ba ako kasama sa buhay mo, Danniel? Did you cut me without me knowing?! Tell me! What? Just because we fought?! Just because I wanted know how you were?! Just because I wanted you to fix your problem first before relaxing?! Ano? Wala na ako dahil sinalungat kita?! Why are you hurting me like this?" Paos na paos ako pagkatapos kong isigaw 'yon. After that, all I did was sob and its not fucking okay kasi gusto ko pang magsalita. I wanted him to feel what I had been through, but these tears hindered me to do so. He was just staring at me. I couldn't read him, and that frustrates me even more. 

"A-Ano? Are we o-officially d-done?" I asked him when I was able to recover. He didn't replied. He just walked away.

He left me. Fuck. Silence means yes, right? 

~***~

What's the best way to mourn? 

I kept on asking myself that. Should I isolate? Should I go out? Should I act normal? Can I even act normal?  Kalimitan may mga bagay na kahit alam na natin, ang hirap pa rin tanggapin. They were right when they said that the heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows. 

It's two days before christmas, and all I did was be in my room. I didn't talk to anyone because I didn't know what to even talk. Right after our prelim, hindi na ako lumabas ng bahay. My routine was eating and sleeping, sometimes watching series. Para akong na-mute na lang bigla. 

My sisters tried to console me, but I just didn't want that. Gusto kong mapag-isa. I wanna feel it. Just like that. Just like that, the three years that we spent together and the four years that we were each other's person were suddenly a distant memory. Tang ina, break na kami. Ganoon lang. Dahil lang doon. I cannot believe him!

This morning was not different.  Tahimik kaming kumakain ng breakfast at ramdam na ramdam ko ang titig nila. I chose to ignore it though. Nasanay na rin ako sa ilang araw na ganito ang set up. Nabiyak ang ang katahimikan nang magsalita si Papa.

"Ngayong gabi ang party ng mga Montijo. I'm sure you already contacted your designers right? We have to be at the hotel an hour before the event." 

Bumuntong -hininga ako. Noong isang araw ko lang narinig ang tungkol sa event na 'yan at ayokong pumunta. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan magiging ganito ang set up, basta ayokong pumunta. 

Natapos ang dinner nang walang nagsasalita. I immediately went to my room. Just like the usual, humiga ako sa kasama at nagtalukbong ng kumot. Patay ang ilaw sa buong kwarto at naka-full blast ang aircon. Kagagaling ko lang sa tulog pero mukhang matutulog na naman ulit ako. 

I was about to close my eyes when I heard a knock. Walang nagsalita pero ang sunod kong narinig ay ang pagbukas ng pinto ko. Doon ako bumangon para tingnan ang pumasok. 

"Bakit ang dilim?" I heard Ate Wayven said. I sighed and sat on my bed. 

In-on niya ang switch bago sinara ang pinto. Nilapitan niya ako at naupo siya sa kama.

"Nasa baba na ang designer. Ako na ang pumili ng isusuot mo dahil parang wala ka sa wisyo nitong mga nakaraang araw," she began. I sighed again and hugged my favorite pillow.

"I'm not going," sagot ko at ibinaon ang aking mukha sa unan.

I felt her stare, and then she sighed. 

"Sabi ko na nga ba may problema ka. You've been isolating yourself. Ano bang nangyayari?" Ito ang pinakakinatatakutan ko. 

I'm afraid of their questions dahil sa oras na sumagot ako, magiging mas malinaw lang ang mga nangyari. I faced her. 

"You could always count on me," she said. Tipid akong ngumiti at niyakap siya. I couldn't look at her in the eyes. Baka umiyak lang ako. 

"Halika na, baba na tayo. Ang ganda ng dress mo!" I could hear the excitement from her voice. Kumalas ako sa yakap at sa unan ako yumakap.

"I'm not going nga," I said. Kumunot ang noo niya.

"So there is something wrong. Tell me. C'mon, Mer..." Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. I almost rolled my eyes. 

Sa lahat ng mga ate ko, siya ang pinakakilala ako. That's why hinding-hindi ako nakakapagtago ng kahit ano sa kanya. 

"Tara na nga." Napilitan akong tumayo. I needed to go. I'll just make up some excuses for later. "Let's go na, ate!" tawag ko pa sa kanya dahil hindi pa rin siya kumibo. 

Nauna akong bumaba. They were all busy pagkarating ko. Umupo na lang ako sa couch. Wala talaga akong gana, sa totoo lang. 

"Mer, itong sa'yo." Inabot ko ang binigay ni Ate Mina 

It was a turtle neck- long sleeves dress. Simple lang siya pero elegante. I think a few inches above the knee. Black ang kulay at medyo flowy siya. Ate Mina also gave me a black strappy stilettos. Aligaga sila sa pagbibihis habang ako ay nakatitig lang sa damit at sapatos. I still need to think for an excuse.

"Merian, sige na magbihis ka na." I heard mama said. Bumuntong-hininga ako. I need to think fast.

"Uhmm, Ma ano kasi-"

"Ate Mer, ikaw na!" I wasn't able to finish my excuse because Miley called me. The next thing I knew, Hinahatak na ako ng designer sa gilid at itinulak sa CR.

What the heck! Kulang na lang ay bihisan nila ako kaya wala akong nagawa kundi magbihis. Everything went so fast na hindi na ako nakaangal pa nang inayusan na ako. Shit. I really need to make an excuse now! Pero paano ko gagawin 'yon kung wala akong makausap at busy silang lahat? Ughh!

"Bilis na, Mina! Tara na! Wayven kay Naga na kayo sumakay, the rest sa van na." 

Halos maiyak na ako nang itulak ako ni Ate Daisy papasok ng van. The hell! I was supposed to call in sick! 

They said that sometimes ang sakit nasa utak lang kaya ang ginawa ko, inisip kong may lagnat ako the whole ride to the venue. I kept on touching my forehead and neck pero normal na init lang naman ang naramdaman ko. Hanggang sa naramdaman ko na lang na tumigil na ang sasakyan. Oh my god!

"Bilis na, magsisimula na ang party. Late pa yata tayo." Si Mama na nagmamadali na. 

Pinauna ko silang lahat pero ang bwisit kong Kuya ay hinatak ako palabas. Huminga ako nang malalim. I'll survive this night naman siguro diba? I mean, it's just their company's anniversary. Hindi ko naman siguro siya makikita sa dami ng tao. 

Right, just hide, Merian. 

~***~

The visitors were already eating when we entered the venue. Agad na nag-usap sina papa at ang mga ka-partner niya habang kami ay nasa table lang namin. I didn't bother to look around. As long as I don't see him, I'm good. 

I thank God everybody was busy. Buti na lang din at wala ako sa business world kaya hindi ako ang nagiging pain sa mga business people. 

"Everyone, everyone!" 

Lahat kami ay humarap sa stage. Tito Danny was there with Tita Danelle. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang hindi ko siya nakita. I'll be okay. Everything's gonna be fine.

"First of all, I would just like to thank everyone for being here. Tonight, we have reached another milestone. I could still remember how this company started with my father, and now who would've thought that after all the problems and struggles, we are still standing firm. Thanks to all of you, of course." I heard the audience laugh.

"Well... as you all know, I've been in this business for almost 25 years already, and I think it's about time that I pass this legacy to the next generation." I stiffened on my sit. Nagbulong- bulungan ang lahat.

I roamed my eyes. Is he here?

"Ladies and gentlemen, this company has been our family's legacy. And before this night ends, I would like to give this legacy to my first born. Please welcome the new CEO of the Montijo Real Estate is none other than my son, Danniel Dan Montijo." Napuno ng palkpakan ang buong venue habang papaakyat siya ng stage.

Napayuko ako. I cannot cry! Not now.