Review by El: The Kingmaker📗
Reviewer: El (footnoteofhappiness)
Requester: The Kingmaker by YouCanCallMeCorn
Summary - 4/5
I liked this summary because it tells the reader what they're in for before choosing to click on the story. It is intriguing at first glance and made me want to read it. However, I think it could benefit from being slightly shorter - giving the reader some mystery about the story where we can find out most of the information by reading the chapters rather than gaining a chunk of it right in the summary section. I think the suspense can only further captivate a reader and could work in your favour rather than against it.
Take your first paragraph for example - beautifully written and gives just enough information to have hooked me from the get go. If this was your summary, I would have given full marks for it.
I think the three extra paragraphs following it only give away too much of the story and these are things you can feature in coming chapters, instead of just kind of throwing the information at us. I would have liked to learn these things along the way, just as the character learns them.
Grammar/Punctuation – 4/5
I spotted a few mistakes but nothing too bad that took away from the story itself. I commented beside the ones I thought were needed to be fixed. However, despite these few errors, you've done quite well in this department. I felt captivated throughout the story, nothing stood out enough to disrupt the flow of the story itself. There were very minor punctuation issues such as added 'a' and forgetting 'the' but other than that, nothing too major you couldn't fix with a little editing.
Character Building - 5/5
These are such beautifully developed characters. I could distinctly tell them apart and feel as if I knew them just as well as you do. Each character's feelings and motivations were displayed well and separated each of them as individuals.
I enjoyed how thought out each character's personalities were and how well you have built them over the chapters. Each character is consistently developed well. I don't have too much to say on this, really. I fear that most of it has already been said in other reviews for you and I don't wish for this to be a repeated review in any way. You have done a great job though.
Writing Style - 5/5
I love the way you write and how descriptive all your words are. Each paragraph paints a picture of the story like it is a movie being played. I wouldn't change a thing about your writing style. It is quite nice to read.
Plot Originality: 4.5/5
The plot was intriguing and kept me captivated throughout each chapter I read. I haven't read a story too similar to this so this was definitely a first for me. This story is written very well and I am surprised to note that it is your first one; it is impossible to tell.
I read the disclaimer at the start about being inspired by a manga and I wish I knew which manga because I'd love to read that sometime as well. I am sure you have given it a great homage.
Comments:
I have left comments scattered throughout your story for you. Please check those out too.
Focus point:
Character Development - I have written a bit of an in depth comment under 'Character Building' for you.
But I must say this - I really loved reading your story. I could hardly put it down if I am honest. This is one of my favourite genres of all time and this story captured everything so beautifully well. I feel that there are limited things that I could tell you that you haven't already heard.
This story is incredible and deserves to be seen by more readers.
If 'The Kingmaker' was on a bookshelf to buy, I would be there in a heartbeat.
Overall Score: 22.5/25
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