Reviewer: Clair (Maggie-Nary)

Requester: Saving Michael by KalliopeAdair

First of all, I want to apologize again for not being able to read all the available chapters. I actually fear I may not be able to make sense of everything if I forced myself to finish it entirely. Still, I think I've already read enough chapters to make a sensible review, as well as to talk about the reader engagement for your special request.

Secondly, I would like to note on this review that I don't include the book cover in my reviews, though it is one of the criteria we have to look at. Therefore, the cover will also not be included for the over all score to be fair.

Now, let's proceed.

Title: 4.8/5

I have no problem with the title entirely, only that I have seen it already to some stories before, though the name was not Michael and the wording was a bit different.

Summary/Blurb: 4/5

The truth is, I'm not really sure how am I supposed to rate this one because of some reasons. One of the reasons is that, the blurb didn't really seem so new to me. You know, it felt like something that I've read a thousand times, though that's just an exaggeration. However, I think since romance is the most popular genre, what else in it can we not consider to be cliche?

Maybe I'm just being too picky, but somehow I want to expect something more than the usual Ms. melodramatic meets Mr. lonely. Clearly, that's the only thing shown in the blurb, which could be improved if you spice it up a bit with some ideas from subplots. That's what I'll be talking about later in a different area.

Grammar and Punctuation: 3/5

Well, this is one of the areas where I'll be a bit technical, but nothing's too serious.

First, I did not notice any serious mistakes when it comes to your grammar, so that's not what I'll focus on. Most of the problems I found were in your dialogue punctuation. Before we deal with that, let's take a look on this one here first:

Will, stepped forward, his hand outstretched, 'It's lovely to meet you, Emma, my real name is Fitzwilliam but that's far too stuffy for me so friends call me Will,' his voice was smooth and clear, like melted chocolate and there was a twinkle in his eye now that hadn't been there earlier when she'd first seen him, courtesy of a certain blonde stood to the right of her.

Before the dialogue, the first error we have there is the comma splice. We do not use commas to separate two independent clauses, so if we will try to fix it, it may look like this:

Will stepped forward with his hand outstretched. 'It's lovely to meet you, Emma. My real name is Fitzwilliam but that's far too stuffy for me so friends call me Will.' His voice was smooth and clear like melted chocolate, and there was a twinkle in his eye now. That hadn't been there earlier when she'd first seen him, courtesy of a certain blonde stood on her right.

I think this line just gives some idea of what am I going to tackle on this area as I continue. Now, I'll start with the dialogue punctuation.

'It's nice to meet you too, Will.' Emma replied.

This should be:

'It's nice to meet you too, Will,' Emma replied.

Another example:

'Here we are.' the receptionist sauntered over, clearly in no hurry and unceremoniously added another set of papers onto the pile Emma already held in her hands.

This one should be:

'Here we are.' The receptionist sauntered over, clearly in no hurry and unceremoniously added another set of papers onto the pile Emma already held in her hands.

Now, as for the remaining descriptions left after that dialogue, I'll leave that to someone who is more knowledgeable about English grammar. Nonetheless, if you're not sure about punctuating dialogues, remember these things.

If the dialogue ends with a dialogue tag such as said, replied, yelled, and answered, put a comma inside the quotation mark unless it is a question or an exclamation. The pronoun or the next word after the dialogue except for (I) and a name must be in lowercase. On the other hand, If the dialogue ends with action tags like giggle, smile, frown, laugh, or any other description that has nothing to do with the character's speech, put a period, or a full stop inside the quotation mark, when it is not a question or an exclamation. Moreover, the word or the pronoun other than (I) and a name should begin with uppercase letter.

The same rules shall also be applied when your tags are written before the dialogue begins. If it is an action tag, put full stop before the dialogue, then put a comma if it is a dialogue tag. Lastly, there's no need to put a comma or any punctuation mark after the second quotation mark.

Another error that I noticed was just another small problem. I think you simply missed putting a comma to separate an independent clause, and sometimes you put commas to where you are not supposed to. I suggest going back to those chapters and check for errors like these.

Alright, let's have another example to go further on this area.

Will clasped his hands on the table in front of him leaning forwards in his seat. Glancing at Emma he asked,' I hope she,' he nodded towards his sister, 'hasn't been giving you too much trouble!'

Watch out for some changes I will make for this one.

Will clasped his hands on the table in front of him, leaning forwards in his seat. Glancing at Emma he asked, 'I hope she'—he nodded towards his sister—'hasn't been giving you too much trouble.'

The one above is how you punctuate a dialogue interrupted by an action.

Also, do not often use exclamation points if the speaker is not shouting or speaking with other type of emotion.

Last thing for the grammar an punctuation, see this line below.

'Ahhh Miss. Abbott, just the person I was looking for, you really must try to make yourself more available, dear, now, I have a few forms that I require you to read and sign, do you think you could manage that for me, hmmm?' she stated condescendingly, getting to her feet - not waiting for a reply - and retrieving a key from the key ring that jangled at her hip, Emma wondered how it was attached, the dark red dress, Mrs. Sutton was wearing appeared to have no pockets for it to grip onto. Emma waited patiently by the desk, her tone implied that Emma would have to do just that regardless of whether she felt like it or not.

We're not looking at the dialogue but what comes after that. That one is an example of a 'Run on sentence'. A very tiring long train of words. Let's chop that train off, shall we.

'Ahhh, Miss. Abbott, just the person I was looking for. You really must try to make yourself more available, dear. Now, I have a few forms that I require you to read and sign. Do you think you could manage that for me, Hmmm?' she stated condescendingly, getting to her feet without waiting for a reply. She retrieved a key from the key ring that jangled at her hip. Emma wondered how it was attached since the dark red dress, Mrs. Sutton was wearing appeared to have no pockets for it to grip onto. Emma waited patiently by the desk, her tone implied that Emma would have to do just that regardless of whether she felt like it or not.

That may not be 100% correct...but the point is, do not write run on sentences.

I believe that's all I have for your grammar and punctuation, so we can now proceed to the next area. Nothing too serious, right?

Character Building: 4/5

The characters are nicely separated from one another, so I would like to commend you for a job well done on that part. However, the problem is on the main characters themselves.

First, I couldn't quite get the kind of reaction Emma had on the second chapter during her first encounter with Michael. Thinking that Michael was in his mid to late 30s, as well as the way he approached Emma to ask Emma there still doesn't convince me that Ema was not overreacting, especially when she knew that they were going to be neighbors.

Though I admit I have no idea of their culture in terms of interacting with people with age gaps like Emma and Michael, I think there should be the awareness of the differences between the people at Emma's age and Michael's when it comes to their way of thinking and mannerisms. With that said, I think it only makes sense if Emma and Alice couldn't quite understand Michael because of the age gap, which means Emma was just really overreacting toward Michael's seemingly rude gestures..

Nevertheless, as a psychology enthusiast, I consider the fact that maybe Emma was just a person who tends to complicate matters so easily, even if they just encounter it for the first time. Sometimes it may be hard to believe, but different things run in different people's head most of the time. One thing we can do is to believe that it's there and educate ourselves, so we don't judge them easily.

Second thing, this is a romance novel, and from what things suggest, Emma and Michael are supposed to be the main characters. However, after more than 10 chapters, while I read more about Emma, her line of thoughts, her past, her motivations, her concerns and all, the only thing I know about Michael is that he pushes people away, he likes History much, he plays classical piano pieces, and he doesn't want to refer or be referred with the first name basis. I know that he is described to be an enigma, but it shouldn't be an excuse for not revealing more things about him.

Those are the problems I notice in this area, but apart from that, the others seem to have a great character so far. My personal favorite actually is Will. Being a lawyer and care free brother to Alice really show that he's not a one multidimensional character. This is despite the fact that I've only read him twice.

Michael appeared more frequently than him, so I hope he could've been established more.

Writing Style: 3.7/5

The writing style is decent , but there are few problems I would like to point out. Some of these points can be related to other areas too.

The first chapter introduced Emma, then it went on describing things she have done before she went to the school. Something that I hope to be improved in the future. I think it would be better if you've started to set things in motion on that part, but it doesn't have to be an inciting incident. For instance, you could've also introduced Michael in the first chapter if you skipped the part of Emma preparing herself until when she arrived at the academy.

The next chapters went on Emma's day, along with long descriptions that has nothing to do with the current situation. Also, it was like you were describing every Emma's move, which you could've used to move the plot forward instead.

I know it is important to show the surroundings, but it should be kept in minimum amount. Sometimes there were more description of the place than the action of the characters, interrupting the flow of the story. Obviously, this also affects readers engagement, and this could answer the question about where the interest drops.

This goes on for the first 20 chapters, though somehow I noticed changes eventually.

Lastly for this area, see this line below.

'Thank you, I thought I'd spend my morning in here I've got some forms to fill out and a bit of reading to do. I think I'll sit over by the table, if you don't mind,' she said, getting up to sit by the table. It was a round white painted table with black detailing along the edges and black painted carved legs, plenty of space for four or five people to sit comfortably around it.

The problem there aside from the punctuation is the redundancy. If she said that she would sit over by the table, you don't have to retell it after her dialogue. Similarly, you can simply cut it off from her dialogue, then the narration should have its purpose of telling that she sits by the table.

Another possible example is that, if someone stutters as they speak, you can either show it in the dialogue, or put a dialogue tag which says they stuttered, but don't do both at the same time.

Plot Originality: 2.5/5

I think you already know where this is going. Yeah, it is what you think it is. Still, that's not entire reason why I give it a low score.

If you will go back to the previous points, those also are great factors that contributed a lot on your story, especially those that I mentioned about the first chapters of the book.

Like what I said even earlier, there is almost nothing we can consider a cliche in this genre. Still, there should be more ways to make this story stand out. For instance, you can utilize subplots, or improve the other things you're lacking.

Reader Engagement - 2.5/5

I think I no longer have to explain this further since I just mentioned this area on the earlier points. Although, I also mentioned that somehow the story telling has improved in the later chapters before 20. Well, I really believe I somehow started to engage myself in those chapters, but it should've been better if the story can hook a reader on the first chapter. I know, writing the first chapter is always a daunting task since it also gives the first impression of your book, but just keep on trying until you get it right.

Total: 24.5/35

Comments:

I noticed that you put titles on your chapters. It's not really a big deal, but sometimes the title doesn't make sense to what was happening to that particular chapter. I just noted that because I think it could be improved as well.

Go back to your manuscript from time to time and see if you have missed some small errors scattered on the pages.

Focus Points:

Description: As I also said earlier, try to lessen your descriptions. Just describe the things that are relevant to the current scene, and not the entire place and all the things in it. Save those for other scenes where they can be relevant and you should do better.

Dialogues: One of the good things about this story is the lesser dependence on dialogues to move the story forward. Also, each character that I've read so far have distinct dialogues, so you've done a nice job there. They can always be improved,but over all, your dialogues don't cause you much problems aside from their punctuation.

Pacing: Yeah, obviously, you have there a very slow pacing. Maybe if you can fix the problems with the structure of chapters, this area should be improved all together.

Remember, chapters serve as divisions of the entire novel, but each must also have the three basic parts; the beginning, middle and end. At the same time, it is important to note that every chapter of your novel should move the plot forward. That's why outlining is very helpful for writers.

Finally, before I end this, let me congratulate you for winning the 'Blissful Romance Awards 2023' held by our community, I wish you all the best as your writing journey continues. Thanks for choosing me as your reviewer, and I hope this review helps somehow.