(10/16/24 Wednesday - started at 16:50–finished at 17:27)

A Relapse of Emotions

What happened?

I thought I was finally free of all this.

All this pressure, all these implied expectations, all these late nights of rushing to finish procrastinated homework.

What has my life come to?

What's happened that's made things spiral so badly out of control?

Was I supposed to end up like this?

Was I supposed to still feel like this?

Am I supposed to still feel like this?

Like the odd one out, the one person that so obviously doesn't fit in with all the rest?

That one lost lone wolf left behind to fend for herself? Left to bleed out alone in the dark?

The sorrowful ghost forever wandering amongst vibrant spirits that dance like rays of sunlight that have no care in the world?

While everyone else's worlds bleed into clear color the further they trek up this hill of life, mine slowly fades into gloomy shades of black and grey with every step I take.

I'm a blank canvas washed away of all the bright and beautiful colors that used to soar across its smooth surface. It's now tattered and worn. All the paint has long since been smeared and smudged into a mesh of indistinguishable hues no one can make sense of.

Not even me.

Music has been my place of solace recently, especially instrumental pieces.

One in particular that's playing on repeat in my ears right now, every expressive note and chord sewing my cracked heart back together while also tearing it at the seams at the same time.

The tune resurfaces a certain nostalgia inside me that I'm not entirely familiar with, for once.

It very nearly blocks out the urgency to complete the unfinished homework sitting in front of me, the panicked feeling seizing my chest and making my heart twist in worry.

Worry that it's going to be another agonizingly long night that will surely end in spilled emotions, sobs of pure raw despair muffled by a burrow of blankets, and a tear-stained pillowcase in the morning.