(8/19/24 15:37 Monday - literally sitting in the bathroom, hiding away from my parents...)

Warnings: mentions of wanting to d!3 and k!ll myself

The only reason I can't kill myself is because of all the people that need and depend on me. I wouldn't say I'm suicidal, it's more just suicidal ideation but just lacking the motivation to actually go through with anything because I'm so exhausted.

You ever just wish you could step out of your life and watch it move on without you? Or that you could simply cease to exist without all the consequences of your leaving?

Yeah, me too.

Nothing hurts more than hearing that your parents KNOW they're the reason for your pain and that they're "working on themselves"....

...and then seeing absolutely no change. If anything, things only seem to be growing worse with every day that drags by, all color, brief happiness, moments of joy, and signs of what you thought were proof of gradual progress slowly fading into the past like they were never there in the first place.

Why does this happen? Why can't my parents see how bad I'm hurting because of them? Why can't I just be free of them? Why does my heart still race in startling panic at the sound of my parent's even slightly raised voices from all the way downstairs?

All these "why"s I don't think I'll ever have the answers to.

Hope is such deceiving little thing. You have it—it even feels like you're actually holding in the palm of your hand—and then it dissolves and slips through your fingers before you can even begin to savor it. Because it's always too late to enjoy and relish in any hope that temporarily lifts the weight of a million burdens pressing down on your shoulders. It always manages to make you believe you actually have a chance in finally finding your footing after having tripped and stumbled for so long, before it slips it out from under you, collapses the ground from beneath you before you can even reach to grab onto the edge or have any chance at catching yourself.

It just leaves you treading water in a deep, endless ocean of problems you can't possibly solve.

Is it possible to be standing so close to the sun and yet unable to find even a sliver of light in any direction, no matter where you look?

Is it possible to hide years of pain behind a breaking smile? Or a crumbling facade under a half-hearted disguise?

Is it possible to be feeling a whole world of depthless anguish yet be completely unable to express it to those you want to reveal it to so badly?

How do you tell someone you want to die...but you've given up trying to kill yourself because life's drained all your energy?

How can you be holding the map in your hands but still be so hopelessly lost?

How do you keep going when every part of you has already given up?

How can you go from being blindingly hopeful of a bright future ahead to utterly drooping with the weight of a sudden unexplainable burden?

How do you pick yourself up from where life's beaten you to the ground when you know it will do absolutely nothing and you'll only fall harder the next time?

How do you protect the ones you love when you can barely protect yourself?

How do you find hope when there's none in sight?

How do you swim against the tide when it's already drowned you?

Author's note: so.......I just needed to get something off my chest and I was on Wattpad so I thought I might as well vent some frustrations and worries while still being slightly productive😅
Hope you all are doing well or at least better than I am—God bless❤️