Originally written (2/13/24 23:20 Tuesday)
(Warning: grammar errors such as uncapitalized letters at the beginning of sentences, ect.)

why am i alive? i ask myself that everyday now. i didn't ask to be alive. and most days recently, i don't wanna be alive.

when did existing and just living become such a burden? how do you make yourself do something that you have absolutely no interest in but you're required to do?

sometimes i wish i could drop out of school. not that im even doing all that much these days. i feel lazy. like im slacking off. but the thing is, im not. i just don't have any motivation past 12pm. any time before that, i usually spend procrastinating or complaining to myself about being tired and how badly i need to get more sleep.

i've just lost the motivation to do school. i used to be able to push myself so hard—to the point where my parents had to tell me to stop doing school around 16:00-17:00.

im slightly terrified i don't know how to live properly anymore.

im tired of pretending to be okay. im tired of my only goal each day literally being, "get through today".

we all have those days when we wonder what we ever did to deserve the pain or suffering we're going through.

the world is just a mess today, and i feel terrible for the next generation of kids who have to grow up in such a toxic and dangerous environment (depending on where they live, though, i guess).

i love coming up with scenarios with my current comfort character and inserting myself into it. it's actually very therapeutic. that is, if i just ignore the fact that it'll never exist outside of my head.

i don't think the people i know understand how much i need music. i need something to drown myself in. and if i it can't be water (because, frankly, im terrified of drowning), it may as well be something i enjoy.

i feel like im losing my ability to openly express myself around people. i don't find the fun in the same things i used to. running used to be so much fun. now it feels like a chore and something to just keep me going. it definitely sucks sometimes and leaves me sometimes wondering why i do it in the first place. but then im halfway into a long run and the runner's high kicks in and i realize why i love running so much.

nothing is more freeing, as a runner, than pushing past that brick wall you always hit at some point. eventually, you just get so sick of getting stuck behind it that you just have to tell yourself, "screw it" and push yourself past it.

i've had that moment a few times. it's the best feeling. it's so freeing.

i have a weird taste in music. one of the types of music i love listening to is (odd, yes, but bear with me) epic trailer music. especially the ones that give me chills and i can't stop listening to on repeat. those are the best.

i love that time period when you're growing more obsessed with a certain fandom and it just makes you so happy. it's the best. and for me, it's pjo right now.

and because i love epic trailer music so much, i've listened to the teaser trailer more than 50 times by now.