Originally written (2/12/24 21:27 Monday)
(Warning: grammar mistakes, such as uncapitalized words at the beginning of sentences, ect.)

i used to think life couldn't get any worse. but the thing is, the more i say it, the more im proven wrong and everything takes a turn for the worse. sometimes i wonder if it's just me that finds simple everyday things so hard to do. when did living get so hard? when did simple tasks become nearly impossible obstacles?

it didn't used to be like this. that's a dangerous sentence for me to think about because then i start thinking about the would've, could've, should'ves and the "back then"s that make my chest hurt just thinking about it. and then i start comparing back then...to now, how different the circumstances are, how much worse it is now.

i can't decide whether things were actually easier back then...or i was just too ignorant to notice all the sad, depressing realities i know now. they say hindsight is a dangerous game. they say ignorance is bliss. they say never trust a stranger. am i the only one wondering who "they" is? is it just a general public opinion? did they do a survey about each and every person's opinion about these sayings? im starting to question a lot of things these days.

i am an absolute expert at procrastination. i know the—although very few and very temporary—benefits. i know the heavy consequences of procrastination. i know as much as i could possibly know about it because it's what i've been doing for the past four years or so.

i went through struggles that lowered my self-esteem and self-confidence severely. so much so that i feel like im almost starting all the way back at the beginning. responsibility terrifies me because my self-confidence is so low and my self-doubt and self-consciousness is way too high.

everything is ten times harder than it used to be. motivation feels like a 5k now. discipline feels like a marathon. responsibility/basically being put in the spotlight and expected to do something a little too far outside my comfort zone feels like climbing mount everest.

life, period, feels like a chore. most days i don't know why i even exist. everyone tells me i have a specific purpose in life that "only" i can fulfill.

it's embarrassing how often i shy away from such simple responsibilities. it's just embarrassing how low my motivation has gotten. everyday feels like an existential crisis. unless i find something creative to do—just something to occupy my imagination—i have no energy to do anything.

sometimes life feels like im walking up a mountain. and depression is a heavy weight pulling against me and slowing down my progress, shortening the amount of steps im able to take in life, and further up the mountain. that heavy weight is just everything im struggling with: insecurity, motivation, self-confidence, responsibility, ect.

it's hard to explain how hard depression is to someone who's never experienced it before. and what hurts is that you know no matter how many times you repeat your words to them, they'll never understand. and it's not even their fault they don't understand. but it's not your fault either.