(written 6/14/24 Friday - started 22:21 - finished 23:12)

Author's note: I know I don't really need to put when I started and finished what I wrote but someday in the future, I'll be glad I wrote the exact time lol. I know I haven't updated on here for a while, but today I felt depressed enough to finally put my feelings into words.

An ache consumes my chest-an ache that makes it so hard to stop crying sometimes.

That sad emptiness just beckons me into the deep, dark depths of despair. It's a whispering taunt brushing against my ear, softer than air. A faint echo in the empty silence I so often sit in.

Even though I know it's pointless, I still search for the 'me' that used to exist. I'm still wandering aimlessly, in the foggy forest of my mind with a lantern in my hands, looking for the girl a part of me already knows no longer exists.

Sometimes I worry that I'm no longer able to tell right from wrong-right from left, up from down, good from bad-anymore.

One thing I constantly worry about is accidentally hurting someone else's feelings.

There's always a constant, lingering pressure to be unique. A pressure I put on my own shoulders. I think I have a fear of being like everybody else. But what that even consists of, I'm not even entirely sure. Even saying, "I don't want to be like everybody else" immediately sprouts a worry inside me that I've just hurt millions of others' feelings from simply stating that.

Comparison is such a cruel little illusion. A crippling seed of doubt that can root itself so deeply into your mind that you forget it's even there.

I'm not entirely sure what to make of life anymore. Sometimes I'll have the right words to describe it in a perfect, metaphorical way. Other times, I wonder if life is just a blank slate I have yet to make my mark on. Which then makes me worry whether I'm even actually living...or if I'm just existing. It's felt more like the latter for the past two years.

Although many have tried their best to help me feel validated-to which I'm undoubtedly grateful for-I never truly believe them. Maybe I do for a little while. But then it's overshadowed by the same cloud of gloomy doubt and insecurity always lingering nearby, no matter where I go.

I've realized that the only way to feel accepted is to first accept yourself as you are. To know deep inside yourself that you are enough. That you don't need to go looking for that assurance of validation because nothing and no one can entirely convince you you're enough. Only you can. But I think that's the reason why it's so hard, because, as the saying goes-and I'm paraphrasing here, so don't quote me on this-we're all our biggest critic. No one judges you more than you judge yourself. No one can make you feel something. That's your choice, whatever emotion you display in response to something.

I think the only reason I can't seem to fully accept myself is because I constantly put myself down, always convince myself that I'm inferior to anyone around me, most especially those I care about.

Now, this is something I've wrestled with for a long time I think...a deep part of me wants to be sad, wants to cry until I can't breathe, wants to feel that crippling sorrow dig a hole out of my chest while an ocean of tears stain my cheeks.

Why? To put very simply, depression has become a form of comfort to me. It's the only truly familiar thing I know. The one thing that's never left. The one thing that hasn't really changed since 2019, I think. I'm pretty sure that's when it all started.

It's hard to believe, sometimes, how far I've come in my long journey of crippling depression. Well, it wasn't always crippling. Or maybe it was and I just hadn't yet realized it yet. Either way, it's a darkness I always seem to retreat to at the end of the day, or simply in my darkest moments. It's a silently consoling yet sad companion that's remained by my side.

This may sound completely stupid but...I've thought about giving my depression a name, creating a personality for it, making it into an image-a person, if you will-that I can better understand, better comprehend and decipher.

I didn't think writing all this out would help me feel any better...but it did. I think that's why I enjoy writing so much, because there's no limit to what can be written, to what can be put into words.

Author's note: Um.....anywayysss...alright, I know this looks long but just bear with me, please. I hope anyone that reads this and relates to...all of this is at least comforted by the fact that I understand you. I understand the pain you're probably feeling, or maybe even have been feeling for a while. But pain isn't always terrible, it can be a great teacher. Not an easy one but a teacher, nonetheless. I'm here if you (to anyone reading this) ever feel out-of-place or misunderstood or just depressed because I know all too well how awful it feels to be alone and in a depressed state. Just send a little comment to my message board and we can talk things out or you don't have to. We could even just talk through emojis if that's easer (maybe even a little more fun) so you don't feel like you have to say something and so you don't have to be sad alone, because if you're sad, I'm sad, and I'll happily be sad with you. Alrighty, well, before I finish this, I just want to say thank you to all the kind souls I've met on Wattpad. Of all places, I never thought I'd connect with so many people on here, yet here we are. Anyway, I love you all, I hope you know that you all matter very much to me and I'm truly blessed to have so many friends on here. Stay safe, my loves, and God bless!<33333