chapter two
feelings
[anya rose steinburg]
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i sling a towel around me, before walking out of my room and seeing poppy, jasmine, sophie and kelsey all waiting at the top of the stairs for me. kelsey gives me a small smile, waiting back for me as the rest of them make their way down the steps.

"you don't have to say everything, you know that right?" she tells me gently, placing her hand on my arm, rubbing it softly.

"i need to." i answer. "so much has happened kels, i don't know if i can hold it in anymore." i bite my lower lip, as kelsey nods, pulling away from my arm. "you're the only one who knows, i-i need to tell them." she nods again, sending me a soft smile. "there's now more."

she looks concerned for a minute, before the two of us walk down the steps, seeing shawn and tommy pushing around some cars on the floor, tommy laughing, and shawn chasing his car. he notices me, and looks confused, before standing up and walking towards me.

"where are you going?" he asks softly, playing with my hand.

"the hot tub with the girls, i'll be back for bed, i promise." i say softly to him, leaning up and pressing my lips up to his cheek. "spend some time with him, he's missed you." i motion my sight to tommy who's playing with the cars, still sitting on the floor.

"see you later, darling." he nods, sending me a soft smile, before pressing his lips to mine. he pulls away, and i walk to the garden with kesley, slowly letting go of shawn's hand.

"oh gosh, it's cold." i laugh, quickly rushing to the warm hot tub where poppy, jasmine and sophie are. i quickly let go of my towel, getting into the steamy waters, immediately relaxing at the heat that consumes my body.

"champagne, girls?" poppy asks, leaning over and grabbing a bottle of champagne and a few glasses. we all laugh, nodding, before poppy pours them all out, handing each glass to us. "alright, spill everything anya." she says, taking a sip of her champagne. i look at kelsey briefly, before she nods, motioning me to continue.

"so, you guys know about the shooting." i start, taking a breath, as they all nod, looking concerned. "well, where i was hit, i-it um," i pause again. "i-it's in this place, where um," i bite my lower lip, feeling my eyes fill with tears. "there's a very low chance of me ever having a baby, naturally."

"oh my gosh, anya," jasmine mumbles, as i wipe away my tears.

"s-shawn knew before me, the doctor told him." i look away, sniffling softly. "after we found out, it was hard. there were times when i would spend the night crying, or shawn would spend the night crying, he was completely heartbroken." i get out. "there was this one night, where his band were over, and geoff, and his sister, and there was obvious awkwardness between us at one point." i sigh. "he told me to leave him alone, so i did, not wanting to fight, but the next thing i'm asked by him is when i lost our first baby." i take a shaky breath, sighing. "it was a year that day."

"he was heartbroken, again." i shut my eyes briefly, sighing. "he cried, and couldn't even form sentences, and he wouldn't stop." i bite my lip. "seeing him like that make my heart break, he was so upset."

"anya..." poppy trails off, reaching for my hand and squeezing it gently.

"we fought a lot after that, between the fights and what was going on, i physically felt broken. we worked through it though, well sort of." i sigh again, thinking back to the night in australia. "we were in australia, and i was exhausted after that flight, so i fell asleep, and shawn decided we would go up to the room and get room service instead of going out with the team. so we did, and we were just talking, until i completely flipped at him, saying he was moving too fast for my liking, and i regret it so much." my eyes fill with tears again. "he left and went down to the team, and i felt so guilty, so i went down about twenty minutes after him, but i walked into him saying he was confused with his feelings towards me. so i decided to open my big fat mouth and show i was there and heard everything." i take another shaky breath, taking a sip of my champagne. "then i apologised and said i wanted to marry him, and everything was good after that, and it has been, until the night of his auckland show."

i explain how i found out about laur, and said i couldn't really help it, i mean, we were broken up. taking a shaky breath to regain my composure, i begin to explain how now i am emotionally confused. "dan was there. he was on some sports thing, and we said hi and everything. mind the fact, this was straight after geoff revealed that shawn and lauren were hanging out." sighing, i put my glass of champagne on the side of the hot tub. "i hugged him goodbye, and those-those feelings came back, the sparks, the warmth, everything." i place my hand on my forehead, looking down. "and shawn has been nothing but incredibly loving to me since then, and he doesn't even know how emotionally confused and guilty i feel." that's the moment when the tears start, and my shoulders begin to shake with every cry. "and i'm seeing him for a new years party, with shawn there too, i just-" i cut myself off, sniffling. "shawn doesn't deserve this."

"anya, it's okay to have feelings." jasmine says softly to me. "and as for the party, we were all invited by daisy anyway, so all of us will be there, apart from peter and kelsey. if something happens, don't worry, we'll all be there." she tells me, with a sad smile. "as for everything else, i'm so sorry."

"anyway." i finally sigh, taking a long sip of my champagne.

"do you want to tell shawn?" sophie asks me quietly. i look up, sighing again.

"i don't want us to fight, and i know if i do tell him, we will fight." i lean back in the tub, shutting my eyes. "he gave me a key to his house today, i know i was gonna live there if i did move in with him, but now i just want to forget about these feelings coming back and concentrate on shawn, not dan."

"at the end of the day, it's how you feel, and shawn will respect that no matter what happens, you just have to remember that." kelsey tells me with a small smile.

"i'm breaking his heart and he doesn't even know it yet." i say shakily, wiping away my tears with my hand.

"come on, let's go back in, i suppose dinner will be ready by now." sophie says, standing up and quickly getting out, before wrapping her towel around her and rushing back inside. the rest of us follow, trying to quickly escape the winter chill, before heading inside, taking our champagne glasses with us.

i spot shawn, and he smiles at me, shaking his head and walking towards me, laughing softly. "are you cold?" he asks, noticing my shaking legs.

"mhm." i nod, letting out a nervous chuckle.

"let's go get you warmed up." shawn comes forward, picking me up bridal style, effortlessly, before walking with me to the steps, and slowly taking me up to my room. guilt immediately absorbs me as shawn places me down onto my bed, wrapping even more fluffy white towels over to me to keep me warm and also to dry me off, before opening up my cabinets and taking out clothes for me to wear, including one of his hoodies to keep me warm.

"shawn, you don't have to do this, you know." i smile softy, bringing my knees to my chest, looking at shawn who comes forward and slowly massages my shoulders, drying me off.

"you're my girlfriend, i'm treating you." he says to me, slowly taking my towels off, as i immediately feel warmer and dry. "alright, i'll give you some privacy to change now."

"you can stay." i chuckle, pecking his cheek gently. "thanks hunny."

"no problem, beautiful." he beams at me, whilst i quickly change into the clothes he laid out, placing my dirty bikini in my washing basket. "you don't look too good, babe, what's up?"

"just a little tired." i lie, stretching my back out slightly.

"do you want me to bring your dinner up here? we can have a movie night and spend some time together?" he suggests, coming closer to me. this could be the perfect time to get my feelings in order and completely forget about dan to not break shawns heart.

"okay, thank you again babe." i smile softly at him, as he nods, pecking my lips gently.

"get the room cozy and put netflix on, i'll be back with whatever's been made, okay hun? ill be back in a bit." he walks out he room, shutting the door softly behind him, whilst i dim the lights, placing my pillows in a way that shawn and i can sit up comfortably whilst watching netflix and eating. i sit down, stretching my legs out on my bed, turning on netflix and scrolling through the comedies, settling on clueless.

after a few minutes, shawn comes back into the room, carrying a box of pizza. i raise my eyebrows, and he shrugs, shutting the door behind him, revealing his other hand to have two cans of coca-cola.

"they ordered pizza." he says simply, putting the box on my bed and sitting next to me. "i grabbed two cokes too," he says, handing me one of the cans. "what are we watching?"

"clueless." i answer, pressing play on the tv. "do you want to do something tomorrow? in the morning?"

"is there an ice rink nearby?" he asks, taking a slice of pizza.

"yeah, we can go there if you want. they're open all year round." i say, opening up my can of coke.

"i can't wait to see you fall over." he teases, sending me a playful smirk. i act offended, laughing at him, before picking up a slice of pizza for myself.

"um excuse you, i'm actually pretty good at skating." i say, as shawn laughs again.

"not as good as me," he teases once more, before finishing his slice of pizza.

"if i fall i'm pulling you down with me." i playfully glare at him, as he laughs, looking at me for a few seconds after. "i'm really glad we're doing okay again." he says with a quiet voice.

my head immediately starts swimming with anxiousness. we were doing so good, but my feelings have to go and ruin it. i bite the inside of my cheek, looking up at him and sending a weak smile back.

"i am too." i say truthfully, but deep down knowing i'm ruining the relationship completely.

"are you sure you're okay, hunny?" shawn asks softly, putting his pizza down and looking at me, concerned. i feel my eyes fill my tears, and shawns eyes widen, before moving the pizza box away and taking my pizza out of my hand placing it back into the box. he crawls over to me, wrapping his arms around me, letting me rest my head on his shoulder. "what's wrong?" he whispers, kissing the top of my head. "anya? talk to me, gorgeous." he says softly.

"i-i don't wanna talk." i sniffle, clutching onto his t-shirt in my hands. "can w-we just stay like this?"

"of course babe." he whispers, leaning back on the pillows, pulling me onto his chest. he sighs softly, wrapping his arms around me, as i nestle my head onto him, pushing my hands against his chest, but curled up next to me. "if there's ever anything wrong with how you feel, you can always talk to me, okay?"

"mhm." i nod, sniffling again, wiping my tears against my hand. "are you hungry?" i ask shawn, looking up from his chest.

"a little." he shrugs.

"okay good because i am too." i say, as shawn laughs at me, rolling his eyes. "we can get back to this after we've eaten."

"you change your mind so quick." he notices, pulling the pizza box back towards us. "you're okay now, right?" i take a shaky breath, plastering a small smile on my lips.

"i will be."
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surprise guys!!