chapter twenty-two
feelings
[anya rose steinburg]
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"hey sha- liyah? what are you doing here?" i sniffle, opening up my hotel room door.

"can we talk?" she asks me softly, as i nod quickly, letting her in my hotel room. "is shawn supposed to come round today?"

"he said he was gonna stop by to check on-"

"you don't need to lie." aaliyah says to me. "i know what's going on. wait, are you sick?"

"yeah." i sigh, sniffling again. "i'm so sorry aaliyah."

"don't apologise!" she giggles. "i'm happy you two are getting romantically involved again, but cheating? come on, anya. that's low, even for you." i pretend to take offence, making her laugh softly.

"what else are we supposed to do? if shawn breaks up with sydney, she's gonna be heartbroken. she's literally not even legal, she's a child." i say sympathetically. "a-and if i break up with dan, well, i honestly think shawn would be dead. well not dead, but maybe beaten up or something." she nods. "and if shawn and i break up with our others at the same time, then announce we're back together, stories are gonna come up and people will find out. i don't want that to happen, and neither does shawn."

"it's you or her anya, shawns so hung up over it." she sighs. "yesterday, in the car, he had to pull over because he was getting to emotional for talking about the situation. he doesn't want to break sydney's heart, but he loves you." she explains, making my heart break.

"this is so hard." i groan, sitting on my unmade bed. "i just don't want anything stupid to happen, you get me?"

"yeah i do, don't worry." she says. "look, i want you and shawn to get back together, i don't like sydney as much as i like you. i mean she's nice and all, but she isn't you."

"at the end of the day, it's more of shawns choice than mine, and if he wants to stop things with me, that's fine." i say, taking a breath.

"have you talked to dan recently?" aaliyah asks me quietly. i shake my head, looking down at the duvet. "is it that bad?" i nod, looking away.

"i have a strong feeling he knows." i quickly get out. "there have already been pictures of shawn and i at that john concert, and then me leaving the morning after with shawn and you, he's speculating so much." i sigh. "sometimes i wish i- never mind." i cut myself off, thinking that what i'm about to say is going to be stupid.

"what is it?" aaliyah asks me softly. "anya, you can tell me."

"s-sometimes i-i just wish that i never felt anything for dan that day." i shrug, letting out a nervous chuckle. "things would be so different now, so much easier."

"you don't know that for sure." i give her a really look, and she sighs, making me chuckle softly. "okay maybe things might have been easier, but everything happens for a reason." i bring my legs up to my chest, sniffling again, before looking at the time. sighing, i pop two pills out of the medication package, taking them down with a few sips of water.

"what times-" aaliyah gets cut off by the door, and i sigh, standing up once more. "that must be my brother." she groans, rolling her eyes, as i let out a soft laugh, before opening up the door, expecting it to be shawn, but coming face to face with my boyfriend, daniel michaels.

"dan? how did you find out my hotel room?" i ask with a nervous chuckle, worried that shawn could turn up any second.

"babe, i'm so sorry for the way i've been acting recently, i just feel like you're gonna leave me, and it doesn't help that we're so far apart." he says sadly, holding a bouquet of peonies. his eyes glaze over with tears and my heart swells for him. maybe it was just jealousy.

"come in, love." i say to him, coughing straight after.

"are you sick? aw, anya." he says to me, before walking past me and into my hotel room, spotting aaliyah. "uh, hi?"

"sorry, dan, uh, this is aaliyah, shawns sister." i explain. "liyah, meet dan." she stands up, as dan holds his hand out for her to shake. they say hi to each other, making small talk, before aaliyah quickly remembers that shawn's probably on his way.

"hey anya? my mums downstairs, i'm gonna go, thanks for letting me stay over." she makes up quickly.

"no problem, liyah." i smile gently, hugging her goodbye. "tell shawn i'll text him later." i whisper into her ear, as she nods, looking at me.

"get well soon, i'll see you later." she smiles, waving at dan, before walking out of my hotel room. i breathe a sigh of relief, before facing dan again.

"i got you these, i know that they're you're favourite." he says, handing me the bouquet. i plaster a smile on my face, pretending to ignore how he got my favourite flower wrong, and that peonies are my least favourite. shawn would never make that mistake.

"thank you so much, dan." i smile. "i mean, they're probably gonna die in the hotel room, but thank you." i say with a small laugh.

"yeah." he trails off, chuckling softly. "well, i'm gonna go. i only just managed to bargain my way with the airport staff to let me out during my six hour layover." he explains.

"you're heading to italy now?" i ask, shocked, thinking it was at least a month away.

"yeah, they brought the trip forward." he shrugs, leaning forward and pecking my lips gently. "i love you, and i'm so sorry gorgeous."

"it's okay, and i love you too." i bite the inside of my cheek, lying through my teeth. "have a safe flight." i say softly, letting out a small smile.

"i'll call you when i land, i'm really sorry anya." he brings me into his arms, and i feel my heart sink, as i slowly wrap my arms around his torso, leaning against his chest. "i'll see you soon."

"yeah." i nod, placing the flowers on the table, as dan walks to the door, me following him, before he opens up the door and walks outside. i shut the door behind him, leaning against it and letting out a long sigh.

shawn and i need to sort this out. fast.
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"hey, can i get two matcha tea lattes?" i ask the barista at the random café i walked into. she smiles softly at me, nodding, before typing i my order.

"what's your name?" she chirps, sweeping her brown, curly hair behind her neck. it's only then i notice her name tag: sydney. i look curiously, biting my lower lip. "hello?" she chuckles.

"s-sorry, it's anya." i laugh lightly, as she scribbles my name down onto two cups.

"that will be 6.30 please." she says, as i take my card out, quickly paying for the drinks, as she hands me my receipt. "you're shawn mendes' ex right?" she asks me, as my cheeks flush a light pink.

"uh, yeah." i say. "do you know him?"

"uh sort of." she blushes. "we're friends." so this is his girlfriend, then?

"oh cool, uh, say hi from me if you see him soon." i say, taking my receipt and walking to the drink collection station.

that was shawns girlfriend? she looks much older than seventeen! then it hits me, i just met shawns girlfriend while i was on the way to see shawn.

"anya!" she yells, catching my attention. i quickly walk up to her, collecting my drinks.

"thank you." i say quietly, before rushing out of the café, taking the short walk to shawn's condo. i take the back entrance, heading round the the main lobby, before taking the elevator up to shawn's level. the elevator sings open, and i rush out, going up to shawns door, which i softly knock on.

"hey baby." he smiles, greeting me with a kiss. i smile softly, feeling a blush rise at my cheeks. "hold on, are they matcha tea lattes?"

"of course." i chuckle, walking in and taking the two cups to the island, placing them down and looking back at shawn. "can i lie down for a bit? i still feel a little ill."

"we need to talk about a few things." he bites his lower lip. "like today maybe?" i sigh, folding my arms, nodding. "come on, we can go in my room and cuddle and talk." i smile softly, picking up my latte, following shawn into his room, whilst he picks his up, sipping on it.

"so," he sighs, as i crawl under his duvets, his arms immediately going round me and spooning me. "what happened today?"

"i really don't know, he literally showed up out of nowhere." i mumble, playing with shawns hands. "like i was annoyed at him, but he came all the way here, well fought with the airport staff to be able to get out and apologise to me."

"do you really think he's being abusive then?" shawn asks me softly.

"i really don't know." i sigh. "i uh, i met sydney today."

"what?" shawn suddenly says, freezing behind me.

"she works at that café i got the drinks from. she straight up asked me if i was your ex, and then i saw her name tag and asked if she knows you and she said yeah, and that you guys are friends." i explain. "shawn, she seems really nice."

"she is." he mumbles. "i just-" he sighs, cutting himself off. "anya i really need to ask you a few things." he removes his arms from me, sitting up, making me follow and look at him. "you don't mind not being able to go out together, right?"

"i-i mean i don't mind, as long as i'm-"

"you wouldn't be sad if i can't show you affection all the time?" i shake my head at him, holding onto his hand. "anya, most of our contact will have to be in secret, do you want that?"

"shawn." i say, moving so i'm sitting in his lap, and my hands are resting on his shoulders. "i want all of that, i assure you." i say to him, as he looks down, sighing. "i like these rendezvous we have."

"next weekend," he pauses. "i booked flights and a hotel on a private island just off of the french riviera. will you come with me? it's private, and secluded, and we can really see where this will lead to." he explains. "please anya, come with me."

"what will you tell sydney?" i ask softly, tracing my fingers over the blades of his shoulders.

"that andrew told me to go to the french riviera for inspiration, i don't know, i'll make something up." he says quickly. "we need this, baby, we need to sort things out."

"okay." i bite my lower lip, feeling anxiousness consume me. "we'll see where that leads to."

"thank you." he whispers softly to me, leaning forward and pressing his lips to mine. "i love you, anya rose."

"s-shawn-" i stutter, pulling away.

"i mean it." he urges. "i love you." i shut my eyes, sighing softly, before a small smile bursts on my lips.

"i love you." i reply, truthfully. "but shawn, we need to be careful."

"one more question," he mumbles to me. "you don't mind me not being there when you need me?"

"it'll be difficult, but it's fine." i say to him. "you don't mind that either, do you?"

"it'll be hard," he smiles weakly. "but i'm okay with it."

"it's okay shawn." i mumble to him, hugging him close to me, as he rests his head on my chest. "don't worry, we'll be okay." he takes a shaky breath, linking his arms tighter around my waist.

"i-" he croaks out. "i really want things to work out for us, but i don't want to hurt sydney."

"i know it sounds harsh but i don't mind hurting dan." shawn chuckles sadly at me, as i let out a laugh. "i'm serious, love. i made such a horrible mistake over christmas, a-and if things were different, i-i just think that if i wasn't so stupid those months ago, things would be different, and easier."

"baby, you weren't stupid." shawn looks up from my chest, shaking his head. "hunny, you had every right to feel the way you did, don't blame yourself for anything, okay?" he sits up, cupping my cheeks, and rubbing his thumb softly against them.

"yeah." i nod, looking up at him. "okay now can we cuddle?"
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anya at the end is literally me when i feel mad or upset or tired or ill or anything tbh