chapter twenty-one
feelings
[shawn mendes]
-
drumming my hands on my steering wheel, i pull up to the usual place i pick up sydney from. i spot her talking to a group of friends, and i feel the guilt overtake me almost immediately. she's so innocent, and i do care about her greatly. why am i even cheating? oh yeah, i love anya. i'm so in love with her, words can't even explain how in love i am with everything about her.

"hey babe." sydney chirps, getting into my jeep, putting her bag at her feet. she leans over, kissing my cheek, before pulling her knees up to her chest and smiling.

"what's got you so smiley, love?" i chuckle, grabbing onto her hand.

"i've been feeling so happy lately." she sighs happily. "i got an A in math, too."

"congrats, hun." i say, squeezing her hand and pulling out of the parking space. "and i'm glad you've been feeling great lately. do you want to go for dinner tonight?"

"i'd love to, shawn." she beams at me. "can we just get burgers or something though? nothing fancy please."

"of course," i laugh. "let's go to my place for a bit and then we can go out and eat, yeah?"

"okay, i need to do some work anyway." she shrugs, turning her body on the seat so she's facing me, her head resting on the seat, and her eyes looking up at me. i feel myself blush softly, before i smile, continuing the drive back to my condo.

after parking and getting into my condo, sydney flings herself onto the couch, groaning slightly.

"go to sleep if you're tired hun." i chuckle, sitting next to her and pulling her feet up to my lap. "that work can wait, i'll wake you up in about an hour."

"okay." she yawns, resting her head against a cushion. "night shawn." she says, making me chuckle.

"night sydney." she smiles softly to herself, before shutting her eyes and falling asleep within seconds. my phone buzzes in my pocket, and i sigh, taking it out, seeing a text from anya. my heart races as i quickly unlock my phone, checking the text.

From Anya: 3:21pm
I just woke up and I'm really unwell, can you bring over some medicine? I don't have any, and I can't get out this ill x

sighing, i look over at sydney, knowing she'll be asleep for an hour anyway. i bite my lip, typing back a reply to anya, immediately feeing my adrenaline build up and course through my veins.

To Anya: 3:24pm
I'll be over in ten minutes. Is it a cold? x

From Anya: 3:25pm
More like the flu, but yeah, a cold x

To Anya: 3:25pm
Wrap up warm, gorgeous. I'll see you soon x

i quickly stand up from the couch, putting a cushion down under sydney's feet, before crouching down next to her, examining her face just to make sure she's asleep. i run a hand through her hair, smiling slightly at her, before standing up and grabbing my keys and the medication for anya along with a few other things, and heading out of the door, taking the short drive to anya's hotel room. i park my car far away, making sure no one is following me, before rushing into her hotel lobby, heading to the elevators.

knocking on her hotel room door, i open up the bag of things i bought for her, including one of the iced coffees she loves, with the medication along with it, and some soup in a flask that i picked up from my mum before i picked up sydney.

"hey." she coughs, opening the door, wrapped up in a robe and her hair tied into a low bun, her nose bright red from the cold she bears.

"babe, you look so ill." i chuckle softly, walking into her hotel room and following her to her bed, where she immediately lies down, pulling the duvets up to her chest and sniffling softly.

"thanks." she groans, looking at the tv.

"i brought you some soup." i smile at her, taking the flask out of the bag. "and coffee, and medicine."

"is that the coffee i love?" she smiles, noticing the bottle.

"yeah, i had a bottle in my fridge so i quickly grabbed it for you." i mumble, placing it down on her bedside table, and putting the flask onto the main dining table of the hotel room. "here's your medicine." i say, handing her two pills and a bottle of water. "two every four hours, okay?"

"thanks hun." she yawns, taking the pills quickly, and drinking some of the water.

"do you want to soup now? my mum made it for me but you look like you need it more." i say, walking over to the flask, picking it up and sitting beside anya's bed, as she nods, sitting up.

"is it her sweetcorn one?" she asks me, with a small smile on her lips.

"what else would it be?" i reply, with a small laugh, opening up the flask and pouring some of the soup out into the lid, sitting on anya's bed, and bringing the lid to her lips.

"i can feed myself, shawn." she giggles, sniffling after.

"i know, but you're ill, so i'm taking care of you." i chuckle, as she takes a small sip of the warm soup. "i'm gonna have to go in a bit, i left sydney sleeping at my place."

"shawn, you should've stayed, you should've told me you were with her." anya frowns at me, her eyes tearing up from being sick. "go back, i'll be fine here."

"no, i'm staying with you for a bit." i say to her. "you're sick anya, i'm staying here."

"shawn, please go to her." anya begs me, taking the soup from my hands. "i'll be fine, you can't let her think anything." i sigh at her, frowning.

"okay, i'll come round tomorrow then. when she's at school." i decide, leaning down and pressing my lips to hers softly. she pulls away immediately, chuckling to herself.

"you're gonna get sick, don't kiss me." she says, giggling.

"i don't care, i'll text you later, okay? i'm going out for dinner with sydney tonight." i quickly say. "i-i'm gonna invite aaliyah too, you know, to make it look like nothing's going on between us."

"take her to your parents house this weekend." anya suggests. "i think if we make people around us think that we've fully moved on, it would be not as stressful for the both of us."

"i agree." i nod, kissing her forehead gently. "i'll see you tomorrow, okay? have your medicine and drink your soup. get well soon baby." i say, smiling before walking to the door.

"shawn," she mumbles, making me turn around to face her again. "sydney's only a girl, and you're probably her first ever proper relationship. please think this all through, okay?"

"i will." i remind her. "i'll see you tomorrow my love."
-
"hey liyah, what are your plans for tonight?" i ask my sister through the parrot system of my phone.

"i have that hockey game in toronto, remember?" she chuckles at me.

"you never told me about that! i'm coming to watch, and then you can come out with sydney and i for burgers, yeah?" i tell her, laughing myself.

"shawn, my games at 8." she says. "i'm leaving with the team now though."

"is there any chance you can make it to dinner tonight?" i ask, biting my lower lip and pulling into my parking space in the car park for my condo block.

"i'll see if they can drop me off at your place. we'll be in toronto at 5, is that okay?" aaliyah says.

"that's fine, we can have early dinner and then i can drop you off for the game and watch, and then take you back to pickering." i decide. "okay i'll see you in a bit then."

"bye!" she chirps, hanging up the phone. i chuckle to myself, before getting out of the car and making my way back to my condo, seeing sydney awake and walking about the condo.

"hey babe." i say, walking into the main room. "sorry, i had to go give something to brian. he's in toronto for today."

"that's okay, i was just about to start my work." she laughs.

"hey, i invited my sister to dinner with us today." i mention. "she wants to meet you."

"aw, that's sweet." she smiles softly. "what time are we going to dinner?"

"well we can leave as soon as my sister gets here. she'll be here at about 5." i explain, looking at my watch, seeing it is five to four now.

"that's cool with me." sydney nods, smiling softly again. "i'm gonna quickly get this work done."

"okay hunny, do you want a drink or anything?" i ask, walking to my kitchen, sydney following me and sitting on a bar stool of the island.

"could i just have a glass of water please?" she asks, taking out one of her binders from her bag and a pen.

"of course you can." i smile, filling up a glass with water, before placing it next to her on the table. "i'm gonna be in my office, okay? call me if you need anything."

"alright, i love you." she says happily, before getting on with her work. my heart breaks immediately, and i feel tears build up in my eyes.

"i love you too, hun." i say gently, before walking away and into my office, wiping my tears away.

i can't hurt sydney. no matter how much i love anya, i can't hurt sydney. she's only seventeen, and i can't be the one to break her heart. shutting the door of my office, i sit in my chair, placing my head in my hands, sighing. i can't let anya go though. letting her go would be like losing my heart.

i know that i love anya, and i know some part of me loves sydney, i just don't know what to do. i didn't think it would be this hard.
-
"wait, so you're telling me he fell out of his car?" sydney laughs at a story aaliyah is telling. aaliyah let's out a chuckle, nodding, as i groan, playfully glaring at the two.

"it was ian's fault! he told me to take the doors off my car." i say to aaliyah, folding my arms.

"that's a whole load of nonsense, brian and matt told me that you were the one who suggested it, and ian only agreed with the idea." aaliyah laughs.

"you're such an idiot." sydney says to me, placing her hand on top of mine. i smile softly at her, rolling my eyes.

"i know." i chuckle. "anyway, it's getting late, we should get you home liyah." i sigh, looking at the time. aaliyah nods in agreement, as the three of us stand up, leaving the hockey centres cafe.

"actually, shawn, can you drop me home now? i'm kind of tired and need to be up early tomorrow." sydney yawns, getting into the passenger side of my car. aaliyah jumps into the back, scrolling through her phone, as i settle myself into the drivers seat.

"you can stay at mine, babe. you know you're always welcome there." i say to her, as she shakes her head, yawning.

"my brothers home alone tonight, i should really go home and stay with him. even though he's sixteen, i'm still his older sister and i should be there for him." she explains. "can i come round tomorrow after school though?"

"hunny i'm so sorry, i'm at the studio tomorrow." i lie, remembering the plans i have with anya. "the day after, i promise we'll do something fun."

"okay." she nods, shutting her eyes, and bringing her legs up onto the seat.

i take the short drive to sydneys, waking her up gently as soon as we arrive.

"do you want me to come in with you?" i ask her softly, as she shakes her head, sending me a soft smile. "be safe, yeah?"

"i will." she yawns, leaning over and pressing her lips to mine. "i love you, see you after tomorrow."

"i love you too, night baby." i say to her, pecking her lips once more.

"night shawn. nice meeting you, aaliyah." she gets out of the car, sending aaliyah a wave.

"you too!" aaliyah says, as sydney smiles, shutting the door and making her way up the steps to her house. after i know she's safely inside, i start the car back up, aaliyah climbing into the front.

"so when were you gonna tell me that you and anya are cheating on your significant others?"
aaliyah asks, as we drive down one of the main roads connecting toronto to the outer suburbs. my eyes go wide, and i feel my heart drop.

"h-how did you find out?" i stutter, gripping the steering wheel tightly.

"that morning after the concert, i know you and anya did something that night, and i kinda went through your texts when you and sydney went to go get drinks and you left your phone with me." she explains. "i'm not mad at you shawn, but are you making the right decision?"

"i-i love anya, aaliyah." i say softly. "i can't let her go."

"you need to break up with sydney before things get too out of hand." she tells me firmly.

"i can't break her heart, aaliyah." i croak out, tears filling my eyes. i pull over quickly, not wanting to crash the car, before sniffling, and wiping my eyes.

"shawn, you've already broken it without her knowing."
-
i smell drama