chapter twenty-nine
feelings
[shawn mendes]
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"you idiot!" aaliyah yells at me, slapping my arm as i sit next to her on the couch. "you don't love sydney as much as you love anya, what are you doing? the one girl you wanted to spend the rest of your life with literally asked you to marry her and you said no? what the heck-"

"sydney's late." i blurt out, running a hand through my hair.

"what the heck is that supposed to- oh." aaliyah says softly. "how did you find out?"

"she was texting her friend about it? something like that. i sort of read the conversation." i explain, rubbing the back of my neck.

"what is it with you and impregnating girls?" aaliyah groans at me, rolling her eyes.

"i don't know for sure, neither does she from the conversations, but i don't understand." i mumble. "we've been so careful, i've made sure of it."

"okay, too much information." aaliyah tells me. "you need to talk to her."

"i should've just said yes to anya." i mumble. "of course i love her, i don't even know why i said no. maybe if i said yes, sydney wouldn't tell me at all, and everything would be great."

"when did you two...?" aaliyah trails off, looking at me.

"four weeks ago i think." i say quickly. "then yesterday, but you can conceive a baby and recognise it in one day."

"you love anya then?" aaliyah asks me softly, pulling her legs up to her chest.

"of course i do, you can't just stop loving her, she's that sort of a person who you just can't let go." i sigh again, standing up. "i'm gonna go sit with her."

"no, you're not." she says, standing up to stop me. "you're going to sydney with a pregnancy test, and when it comes back negative - which it has to because you don't want a child right now - you come back and somehow win anya over again." aaliyah says sternly, glaring at me. "now go."

"but-"

"go!" she groans, going into her pocket and taking out ten dollars. "take this, and go buy her a pregnancy test."

"aaliyah-"

"now shawn, if you don't want to mess up your life, i suggest you go and sort a few things out." she warns again. i sigh deeply, nodding.

"if anya wakes up soon, can you tell her that i'm sorry? can you also tell her that i need to talk to her?" i ask, picking up my hoodie and slipping a pair of trainers on.

"of course, now go." i nod, picking up my car keys and phone, heading straight out of my condo and down to the car park.

i just got proposed to, and broke a girl beyond repair.
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i take my hoodie off, the june sun being too warm for me to continue to wear a layer, leaving me in gym shorts and a t-shirt, as i rush up the pathway of sydney's house, knocking on the door.

"hey shawn." she answers, yawning and opening the door. "wait, did we have a date?"

"no." i chuckle, looking at her. "can i come in?" she nods, opening her door wider, letting me inside, before she shuts the door, and leads me upstairs to her room so we can talk in private.

"so." she sighs, sitting on her bed.

"so." i repeat, sitting next to her, holding the plastic bag containing the pregnancy test in my hands. "i know this seems stupid and dumb, but i saw your texts to one of your friends the other day."

"shawn-"

"i bought this just in case, sydney, i'm not annoyed, i just want you to try-"

"i'm not pregnant." she says quietly, with a small chuckle. "i've just been stressed out lately, my mum said that stress can make you miss a period."

"oh." i say, feeling awkward all of a sudden.

"i'm glad you're here, actually, i've been meaning to talk to you about this, it's just i didn't bring it up." she sighs. "i know you're still not over your ex, when she came over that day, it was obvious you still have feelings for her."

"w-what made you think that?" i stutter out, looking down at my hands.

"just the way you looked at her, and the way you spoke to her." she shrugs. "i understand, we met when you were looking for a rebound anyway." she mumbles. "i just can't believe i was dumb enough to fall in love with you."

"sydney..." i sigh, turning to her, and holding onto her hand. "you weren't dumb, okay? you can never help falling in love, trust me, i should know that." she lets out a small chuckle, her lips turning upwards. "i fell in love with you too, but i know that i can't give you what you want." i explain to her, as she nods, looking up at me. "you're beautiful, syd, and i really do hope you aren't scared of falling in love because of me."

"i'm not scared of it, i'm just afraid that it can make me feel things i've never felt before." she says softly, squeezing my hand. "you should get back together with her, you two seem still so perfect."

"don't be afraid of those things." i mumble quietly to her. "if it happens, it happens. love is so complex, and i think you should take it with open arms, physically and metaphorically." she lets out a small chuckle, rolling her eyes at me. "i'm sorry, love."

"it's okay, at least now you don't have to force yourself to love me." the guilt settles into me and i immediately frown, knowing i've broken this girls heart too. "i have to go to work in a couple hours, you should go back home."

"oh." i say, frowning slightly.

"i'll see you around, i guess?" she says, standing up from her bed.

"are we breaking up?" i ask her, standing up along with her. she looks down, nodding.

"it's for the best." she smiles sadly at me, tears brimming in her eyes. i let my mouth go slightly agape, before nodding, turning around and rushing out of her room, straight out of her house, and back into my car.

i drive away quickly, before gathering my thoughts together, reflecting silently of the events that have just unfolded, as i take the fairly short drive back to my condo. my heart clenches, thinking about the last look sydney gave me, obviously showing her heartbreak.

she's so young, she can't go through that heartbreak. i feel so bad. sighing softly, i turn onto my road, driving down to the indoor car park, finding my normal parking space.

what she doesn't know won't hurt her. it's best that she doesn't know anything about what happened between anya and i, especially the fact that anya proposed to me this morning.

i unlock my door, revealing aaliyah in the same place where i left her, watching whatever is playing on the tv. she looks at me, as i shut the door, leaning against it, a blank expression casting over my face.

"so?" she asks me, standing up and walking towards me.

"i-i need some time alone." i quickly mumble, escaping to my bedroom, shutting the door firmly behind me, before sitting on my bed, placing my head in my hands.

what sydney doesn't know won't hurt her.

i could've been told that she was really pregnant, and that i was going to be a father today, with a girl who i've cheated on.

i actually cheated on someone. something i wouldn't even think of doing, i did, to a girl who, at some stage, meant the world to me, yet i don't regret cheating, because i was with the girl who i am head over heels in love with.

taking a long breath, i open up the drawer of my bedside table, pulling out the black velvet box, opening it up and revealing anya's first engagement ring, the silver band still looking brand new. i gaze down at the diamonds encrusted at the top, catching the light of the sunlight streaming in, sparkling gloriously in the early evening.

i have to make things right, before it's too late, and i've made my mind up with who.

peering at my watch, i see it's just turned 5. sighing deeply, i stand up, changing into a pair of jeans, slipping the box into my pocket, before changing my t-shirt to a white button up, draping over one of my denim jackets over the top. i take the box out of my pocket once more, admiring the band, before shutting the box tightly, and placing it back into my pocket.

i escape out of my bedroom, seeing aaliyah helping herself to a glass of water. she stares at me, confused at my appearance.

"will you be okay alone for a bit? i can ask-"

"go fix things." she chuckles, cutting me off completely, before placing the glass down, and walking up to me. "by the way, i can't wait to embarrass you when i say a speech at the reception." i roll my eyes at her, chuckling lightly, as she smiles brightly at me.

"i'm nervous." i admit, as aaliyah sighs, holding onto my hands in hers.

"you've got this." she reminds me. "but, she's still asleep so she might say no just because you woke her up."

"i haven't even asked her dad for permission-"

"you won't need to." she reassures. "you've already done it once, i'm pretty sure you don't need to ask again." she chuckles, rolling her eyes once more. "good luck."

"i'll try to be back by 8, okay? you can order pizza or something and pay with this," i pull out my wallet, taking out a twenty dollar bill and handing it to her. "holy shit, i can't believe i'm doing this." i run a hand through my curls, sighing softly, a small smile coming upon my face.

"go get engaged, you idiot." aaliyah chuckles again, pushing me towards the guest bedroom. i let out a laugh, opening up the door and slipping inside the room, seeing anya huddled to the end of the bed. i smile softly, sitting next to her on the bed, placing my hand on her shoulder lightly, and pulling her gently.

"anya?" i whisper, gazing at her tear stained face. i cup her cheek gently, as her perfect eyes flutter open, squinting at the light change. "hey."

"hi." she whispers, a slight croak in her tone. "what time is it?"

"five," i answer, running my thumb over her cheek. "will you come on a walk with me?" i ask her, as she shuts her eyes once more, opening them shortly after.

"where?" she mumbles, turning on her other side, so she's facing me.

"just a walk." i shrug, as she nods, sitting up, crawling out of the duvets, before sliding on her shoes, and running a hand through her soft wavy brown hair.

"hey i'm sorry about earlier, and a couple days ago, and-" i cut her off with a small chuckle.

"no talk of that, come on." i say to her, holding out my hand. she bites her lip, hesitating. "i won't hurt you, i promise, hold onto it." she sighs, shaking her head. my heart falls, and i feel myself start to doubt my proposal.

"let's just go on this walk." she quickly says, walking outside of the room. i quickly follow, seeing aaliyah smirking at the two of us. "what?" anya asks confused.

"nothing, be back by 8!" aaliyah sends me a quick wink, before i lead anya out of the condo, down to the main lobby, and outside to the streets of toronto.

we walk side by side for a while, about an hour all together. we end up by the waterfront, looking out at the lake, leaning against the railing separating us from the open water. i look down at anya, the light summer wind brushing over her red, puffy eyes, her hair blowing in the breeze, as her eyes twinkle from the late sunshine.

she looks out at the water, leaning her small, docile hands against the edge, her mouth slightly agape at the scenery. right now, i couldn't care who sees us.

"anya?" i call softly, making her turn to face me, her chocolate eyes boring into my plain ones.

"hmm?" she hums, sending music to my ears. i take her hand in mine, as she looks down at them, gasping softly.

"you look so beautiful tonight." i speak softly, seeing a crimson riddle her cheeks. "you know, i never thought in a million years i would fall in love so deeply as i am with you." she looks at me confused, as i let my other hand wander to my pocket, clutching the box inside it. "these last few weeks made me realise something about us, about you, about me," i say softly, looking at our joint hands. "you make me crazy, anya rose." i chuckle, as her lips turn upwards. she gazes up at me, smiling gently. "i genuinely am so sorry about today, i really am, anya."

"that's okay." she mumbles, frowning slightly.

"you remember that day in australia? two years ago, almost, when we just sat at the beach, watching the sunset? and i told you how much you mean to me? well that hasn't changed one bit." i say to her. "and remember in the hamptons, when we ran to that hotel after being at that bar? and how crazy that night was?" i ask her, making her laugh gently.

"we got a running complaint." she says, smiling brightly.

"i never knew they even existed until then." i chuckle. "you mean so much to me, and the fact that we can be utter kids, yet adults at the same time amuses me, but makes me realise how much i love you." i say softly. "so," i bite my lower lip, before kneeling down, making her gasp, and her spare hand fly to her mouth. i take the box out of my pocket, opening it up, revealing the ring. "anya rose steinburg, will you finally be my wife and marry me?" i see her eyes brim with tears, as she nods, a huge smile lining her lips. i slide the ring onto her finger, my smile mirroring hers, before i stand up once more, cupping her cheeks and pressing my lips to hers.

"i-i thought that today was the end of us." she stutters, in between kisses, making me chuckle softly. "damn you!" she says, a tear slipping out of her eye as she lets out a laugh.

"there will never be an end of us." i confirm, holding her waist in my hands, as she rests her hands on my chest, glancing at her ring.

"the same ring?" she gasps, looking up at me, a hopeful glimmer in her eyes.

"the exact one." i smile back, as she blushes, leaning forward and kissing me softly.

"i love you." she says, moving her arms around my neck, resting her fingertips against the back of my neck. i grin at her, before joining our foreheads together, moving my lips closer to hers.

"i love you." i whisper, before kissing her once more, making her chuckle, before pulling away. "anya mendes, has a good ring to it, eh?" i smirk, as she bursts into a fit of giggles, her cheeks pink.

"it's always had a good ring to it." she answers, staring up at me. "so we're engaged, again?"

"oh yes we are, hunny." she bites her lip gently, smiling up at me. i smile back, pulling away, and draping my arm over her shoulders, pulling her close to my side, as she rests her head on my chest, linking her arm around my torso, as we take the walk back to my condo.
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you're welcome!!