chapter twenty-five
feelings
[anya rose steinburg]
-
"how's italy?" i ask dan over the phone, as i wait for my flight to be called.

"it's great here, we just got to rome, but milan was beautiful." he says with a chuckle. "we should go to milan, it's gorgeous."

"i love rome! there's this one really good pizza place near the fontana de trevi, i'll text it to you when i land in london." i say softly.

"honestly i've had a pizza overdose, it would be great if i could find something different to pizza or pasta." he says with a laugh. "i might just get a mc donald's tonight." i chuckle softly. "how was toronto? do you feel better?"

"i feel much better, and toronto was toronto." i chuckle, nervously biting my lip. "hey listen, i'm gonna have to go, but i'll call you later, okay?"

"alright, i love you, anya." he says softly through the phone. "i'll see you soon, yeah?"

"of course, and i love you too." i bite my lip again, guilt filling my body.

"have a safe flight, bye anya." he says, before hanging up. i let out a long sigh, looking around the private lounge of the airport, only a few high class business people around, obviously catching their own private plane too.

i have a very strong feeling shawn won't turn up, and that's okay, because i said things i shouldn't even have said last night, or even implied for that matter. he has every right to be mad at me, i just want him to make the decision he wants.

is this what shawn felt like when i was choosing between him and dan? is this the immense pain that you can't even describe because it emotionally hurts that much?

i know shawn loves me, but some part of him does technically love sydney too, even though he says he really doesn't mean it. sydney is a beautiful girl, and she doesn't deserve her heart to be broken the way shawn wants to end things with her.

"miss steinburg? flight 3f8 to london is ready, you may make your way down." a man says to me, obviously connected to the way the private planes work.

"is there any chance we can wait for ten minutes? i'm expecting someone, but they haven't turned up yet." i say politely, looking around to see a certain brunette.

"i shall inform the crew for you, ma'am." he says to me with a warm smile.

"thank you very much." i smile softly back, before he quickly walks away from me. i look down at my watch, sighing. come on, shawn.

i want shawn to come with me, but i know it's highly unlikely that he will even turn up, and i know that it's my fault if he doesn't. i look around the room once more, seeing if anyone new has come in, before sitting down again, and folding my legs over each other, chewing on my lip in anticipation.

come on shawn, where are you?

i gaze around the surroundings once more, seeing a new woman in the lounge, already sipping on a champagne. sighing, i realise he probably isn't going to turn up, so i stand up, picking up my handbag and my cabin bag, along with the water bottle i has just purchased, before making my way down to where the planes are boarding, a small frown on my face.

"did the person not show?" the same man asks me sadly. i shake my head, sending him a sad smile, before showing my passport and ticket.

"anya!" i hear behind me, making my head snap around. i see shawn running forward, carrying a guitar and his usual backpack with him, dressed in a plain navy t-shirt, a grey hoodie in his hands, and black jeans.

"y-you came." i let out, a sudden rush of happiness coursing through me. that, or adrenaline, i'm not too sure.

"i did." he whispers to me, coming closer, and softly kissing my lips. "i couldn't sit around in my condo knowing that there is the risk of us ending if i don't come with you." he says softly.

"i thought you weren't gonna show up." i frown, looking down at the floor.

"hey," he mumbles quietly, making me look up again. "i'm here, and i'm coming to london with you, okay?" i nod, as shawn kisses me once more, before we both make our way back to the plane check in, being allowed to take the short walk to the steps leading into the plane.

shawn follows me up the white steps and into the plane, the air hostess greeting us and leading us to the only seats on board the flight. there are four seats, but we're only going to use two of them.

"i'm really sorry about the way i acted yesterday." shawn tells me, as we settle into our seats. "it was completely out of order to me even blame things, and i'm sorry."

"it's okay, it was my fault anyway, so i'm sorry." i tell him quietly. he holds onto my hand, letting out a small chuckle. "what?"

"the way you think everything is your fault." he mumbles. "it wasn't, okay? it was my fault, completely." i sigh, looking up at him. "okay let's forget about this, and let's focus on us, okay?" he squeezes my hand gently, leaning forward and placing his lips on my forehead.

"alright." i sigh, nodding at him. "shawn?"

"hmm?" he hums, as the plane starts to move to get ready for take off.

"i'm really glad you're here." i tell him, a small smile on my lips.

"me too, hunny." he smiles at me, as i squeeze our hands together, rubbing my thumb over the back of shawns hand. "so, london again?"

"i've always loved being in london with you." i say, as the plane starts to speed up the runway. "there's just something about it which makes it so much fun."
-
"anya, wake up gorgeous," shawn whispers quietly. "we haven't arrived yet, but look out the window, please love." i look up from his chest, groaning before my eyes fixated themselves on the window, seeing the colours of a sunset flying by us.

"oh- wow." i breathe, sitting up and looking at the window fully. "thanks for waking me."

"are you hungry baby?" shawn asks me quietly, tracing his fingers over my shoulder.

"a little." i shrug, sitting up in my seat, looking out of the window. "how long was i asleep for?"

"two hours? something like that." shawn tells me, smiling softly. "ma'am?" shawn calls to the air hostess, who immediately comes to the two of us, a warm smile on her lips. "could we get some food please?"

"of course, i'll bring the menus right away." she rushes off as i gaze at shawn, seeing a soft blush at his cheeks, and his eyes slightly puffy. it's only then when i notice the slight tear marks running down his cheeks.

"shawn, hunny," i whisper, sitting up, my legs still over shawns lap, cupping his cheeks gently, concern running my face. "shawn? gorgeous what's wrong?" i rub my thumb over his cheek gently, as he sighs, holding onto my waist with his hands, squeezing it softly.

"how am i supposed to deal with this?" the tears build up in shawns eyes again, and before one tear slips, i quickly wipe it away. "how did you deal with this? back at christmas?"

"it was honestly the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with." i tell him gently. "but, sometimes you have to fight through it, and realise what the right decision is. i made the wrong one, don't pull an anya when you decide." i say light heartedly, making him chuckle quietly, before he looks back at me, letting a tear slide down his cheek. "but at the end of the day, you have to think about yourself, and i know it sounds selfish, but that's what you have to do."

"you're so smart." he mumbles, sniffling. "thanks anya, really."

"no problem." i smile gently at him, pecking his lips softly. "now why don't we watch a film or something? maybe a comedy because you look like you need one."

"i'm sorry." he mumbles to me, as i sigh again, shaking my head.

"babe, please don't apologise, you have every right to feel the way you do." i remind him, just like he reminded me at christmas time.

"can we just sleep? i'm not in the mood to watch a film, i'm sorry baby." shawn mumbles to me, rubbing his thumb over my waist. i nod, making shawn smile softly, as he moves over on his seat, letting me sit next to him, with my legs still draped over his lap, but now there's no barrier in between us of the seat dividers. he pulls the blanket out from a small compartment next to the seat, and drapes it over us, holding me close to his chest. "i love you." he whispers, pressing a soft kiss against my head.

"i love you, hunny." i respond, shutting my eyes, and leaning my head against shawns chest.
-
i gaze at shawn sleeping as the rain patters down on my windows at a very bustling 2am, people still screaming in the streets below. we made it, i guess. still filled with light, london explodes with its night time vibrancy which i've always found pleasant to watch, especially when sleep can't find me.

i pick up my phone, checking a few social media accounts, my emails, text messages, and phone calls. i see two missed calls from kelsey, and one missed call from my mom, and i quickly make a mental note to call them in the morning.

looking down at shawn again, i year little snores coming from his lips, and i chuckle to myself quietly, as he groans and grabs onto my waist, resting his head over my stomach. i bring my hand to his hair, running my finger through his brown curls, as he begins to smile softly.

"shawn? are you awake?" i whisper softly, trying not to wake him if he isn't awake.

"yeah." shawn whispers back, snuggling closer to me.

"go to sleep, love." i mumble back, as he groans again, smiling against my stomach.

"but i prefer being awake." he says back to me, making me let out a low chuckle. "i'm so jet lagged, holy shit."

"me too." i laugh, as shawn let's out chuckles against my stomach, vibrating the area. a loud hunger noise enters the room, and i immediately know it's shawn, not me. i let out another laugh, as he groans once more, his cheeks turning red. "i have literally no food in the flat, i'm sorry."

"can't we order?" he mumbles again, sitting up next to me.

"mc donald's have delivery now." i shrug, picking up my phone again. "do you want mc donald's?"

"sure." he says, as i quickly get up the mc donald's delivery app; thank god i live in london now. he groans once more, before leaning down and cuddling onto me again. i chuckle, ordering mine and shawns usual, before placing my phone back down and turning the lights on. shawn moans again, tucking his head into my stomach, making me laugh once more.

"you were the one who was hungry!" i tell him, with a chuckle. "come on, let's go sit in the lounge." he nods, rolling away from me, taking the duvet and standing up, stretching out his back.

"can you pass me my hoodie, babe?" shawn asks, pointing at the white vans hoodie lying on a chair in my room. i nod, picking it up and handing it to shawn, before pulling on a pair of running shorts, following shawn out of my room. he immediately flops down onto the couch, pulling the duvet over him and turning the tv on.

"come here, anya." shawn chuckles, holding out his arms. i smile, walking towards him and knotting myself in his embrace, his arms holding me close to him, as i nestle my head on his upper chest.

"hmm, you smell good." i sigh in bliss, sniffing at his hoodie, the manly scent that shawn uses being the only thing i can smell.

"that was random." he chuckles, his chest vibrating. "i don't want to leave london now."

"don't then." i say.

"you know that i can't stay." he mumbles sadly, leaning down and pressing his lips to my head. "i wish i could, but i really can't."

"how are we gonna do this, shawn?" i ask him softly, looking up from his chest, looking into his caramel pools of eyes. he sighs, bring his hand up to my hair, twirling a piece of it in his fingers.

"we'll figure something out, i guess i'll just have to break up with sydney." he says softly. "i know it'll hurt her, but at the end of the day, you said for me to be selfish, and i want to try things with you again."

"so, say we do try things again," i pause, as shawn nods. "can we go slow? and by slow i mean, like, really slow?"

"yes please." he chuckles quietly. "i think we move too fast sometimes, but i think where we were before christmas was where i want to be, if that makes any sense."

"yeah, i'd like that-" i get cut off by the doorbell to my apartment. shawn groans, making me laugh, before standing up from the warmth of my duvet and shawns grasp, and walking to the main door, opening it and seeing a delivery man with shawn and i's food.

"thank you so much, have a great night." i say, taking the food and shutting the door, walking back to where shawn was sitting.

"okay babe, you can go now, i have my food." shawn says, taking the bag from my grasp, as he digs through it, finding his food. i gasp sarcastically, making shawn chuckle. "i'm kidding, sit and eat baby."

"i knew you were kidding anyway." i chuckle, sitting back next to him as i take out my food, quickly putting some fries in my mouth.

"so what are we doing tomorrow?" shawn asks, after swallowing a bite of his food.

"well i need to clean, so clean," i laugh, making shawn groan again. "hey! two people makes cleaning faster, okay?"

"fine." he grumbles, playfully glaring at me.

"then i suppose we could," i pause for a moment to think about what we actually could do without being seen by anyone. "actually, i don't think there's anything we can do apart from staying in this apartment. honestly we should've just gone to france, it would've been so much more easier."

"we can stay here, it's fine, anya." shawn smiles reassuringly at me. "i love your apartment anyway, and i'm sure we can cause some trouble here." he smirks softly.

"i do have a few cake baking kits in the cupboards." i chuckle, nodding at shawn.

"and you also have a balcony with a hot tub and a perfect view of the city." he says to me, taking a sip of his drink. "we'll find something to do, don't worry baby. i have my spotify playlists, you have your continuum record, we'll be fine." i laugh softly at his last comment, rolling my eyes quickly after. "i know it's not like what we used to be, but i promise you, we'll be there soon."

"okay." i say quietly, taking a bite of my burger.

i'm just not so sure i like the way shawn and i'd relationship is going. i want more.
-
i know i said i wouldn't be posting until sunday/monday, but i managed to come up with this in the past hour, and since it's friday and i don't have too much work to do today, i decided to post this just to give you guys an update haha