chapter twenty-eight
feelings
[anya rose steinburg]
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after the short car journey to shawn's family house, i begin to piece together how i'm supposed to propose to him.

"look, just go over to his place, i'm sure everything will turn out okay." aaliyah says to me, opening her bedroom door, and sitting on the bed.

"are you sure? how am i even supposed to ask him? something like 'hey shawn, i know you hate me right now but will you marry me?' so casual." i roll my eyes, placing my bag down next to her bed, and sitting next to her. "i don't even know if i'm doing the right thing! yesterday i was feeling broken, and today i'm proposing to someone?"

"well at least no ones died." she shrugs, picking up her phone, and pressing it to her ear, she sighs, waiting for whoever it is to answer. "hey shawn!"

"aaliyah i swear to god-"

"i'm good, how are you?" she smirks at me, laughing at something shawns probably just said. "anyway, can i come over? you know, some brother-sister bonding time?" she asks, standing up. "i'd rather her not be there, it's just i haven't seen you for ages, sorry shawn." she frowns. my heart drops, knowing he's with sydney, probably getting up to things he and i did only two days ago.

"no, don't worry, mum will drop me off." she chuckles. "see you in like two hours then? okay, bye!" she says, before laughing again. "pizza please, and go buy some cookies and creme ice cream." she says, looking at me and listing shawn and i's favourite junk food to have together. "see you." she laughs, before hanging up the phone. "see? that was easy."

"yeah, but you're not the one proposing to someone." i fold my arms, sighing softly. "so, what about you, liyah? any boys on the menu?" she blushes bright red and shakes her head wildly, as i continue to smirk.

"uh- no." she says, blushing even harder.

"show me a picture!" i squeal, sitting next to her as she lets out a long sigh. "don't worry, i won't tell shawn."

"fine." she groans, scrolling through her phone and showing me a picture of a pretty y'all, light brown haired guy, his arm draped around aaliyah's shoulders and the two of them smiling into the camera.

"liyah! you two are adorable." i chuckle, as she smiles softly, taking her phone and putting it back into her pocket. "are you two friends?"

"yeah, i really like him." she bites her lower lip. "i just don't know if he likes me back."

"that's so sweet, you should go for it!" i urge her, as she chuckles, shaking her head at me. "oh come on liyah, he won't say no to you!"

"we'll make a deal." she says. "if shawn says no to you, i'll ask this guy." she smirks.

"that's such a weird deal, but okay." i chuckle, shaking my head at her.

"okay, great! shawns never going to say no to you, so i guess i'm never going to ask this guy." i roll my eyes at her, groaning.

"you're going to ask him out, and that's final." i chuckle, walking out of her room and strolling down the stairs into the kitchen, seeing karen tidying things away. "hey karen, do you need any help?" i ask her, looking around the kitchen.

"no, it's fine dear, go watch some tv or something." she chuckles, turning to face me. "does shawn know that you're here?"

"uh, no." i blush. "aaliyah invited me, and i wanted to see her so i said yes." i quickly lie, putting on a small smile. "i think aaliyah wants to go to shawn's today, she just called him."

"yes, shawn just called me about dropping her off." she chuckles. "are you going with her?"

"yeah." i nod, folding my arms. "how have you been, karen?"

"i've been great! what about you? i heard you moved to london? what part?" she asks me quickly, finishing up whatever she was doing.

"i've been okay, and yeah i did. i'm finishing off my degree in london, so i'm staying in this apartment on the riverside, near southbank." i explain.

"wow, that's amazing." she chuckles. "anyway, we should be heading to toronto now if we want to skip the traffic, would you get aaliyah for me, sweetie?"

"of course, we'll meet you here in about two seconds." i smile, before rushing back upstairs to tell aaliyah to come down. she gets a few things together, before i sling my handbag over my shoulder, and following aaliyah back down the stairs.

the journey to toronto city is filled with me being nervous and extremely anxious. what if he says no? that would be completely embarrassing, and a waste of a trip.

i just hope he says yes.
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"is shawn dropping you back home? or should i get dad to pick you up? and tell shawn he should bring sydney over again." karen says to aaliyah, as the three of us walk up to the elevator in shawns lobby. my palms go sweaty, and i sigh softly, trying to calm myself down.

"yes he is, and yeah i'll ask him." she sighs, briefly looking at me.

"anya, are you okay? you've been awfully quiet sweetie." karen says, placing her hand on my arm as aaliyah presses the button for shawn's floor.

"uh, yeah, just feeling a little sick." that's not entirely a lie; i am currently feeling incredible nausea.

"aw, i'm sure shawn will let you sleep in a guest room." karen tells me quietly, as the elevator dings open, right in front of shawn's door. karen knocks, before we all hear a short "coming!". the door quickly opens, and shawn is revealed, immediately looking shocked at me. i know he's about to open his mouth to shout at me, but then he notices his mother, and a smile is painted on his lips.

"anya! you're here, again?" shawn chuckles, shaking his head at me. "hey mum, hey liyah." he beams, hugging his sister and mother.

"hi shawn, bring your sister back at anytime, and make sure she's fed." karen chuckles, kissing shawns cheek. "i love you, but i have to get somewhere, so i won't be staying."

"oh, tell dad i say hi, mum." shawn frowns. "i love you too, and drive safely!" he says, hugging her again. "i'll drop aaliyah off at some stage."

"okay, have fun you three!" karen rushes back into the elevator, the doors shutting behind her. once shawn is certain that his mum has gone, he turns to me with the most unreadable stare i have ever received.

"what the heck are you doing here?" he asks me, in an angry yet soft tone, as aaliyah slips inside his condo, rushing to the couch.

"can we talk?" i ask him, chewing on my lower lip.

"you came all the way here to talk to me?" shawn asks me, confused at the situation.

"yeah, i had to." i blush softly, looking away from him. "i need to talk to you." he nods, letting me inside, shutting the door behind me.

"uh, let's talk in my room, yeah?" i nod, following shawn into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him. "look-"

"i'm sorry." i blurt out. "i shouldn't have brought anything up, but the truth is that i really need you in my life, and i don't know if you need me back, but just hear me out."

"anya-" he tries to cut me off.

"when you left me, it felt like my world came crashing down. that's when i realised how much i actually do need you in my life, and how much i fucking adore you, shawn." his face softens slightly, as he sits down on his bed. "i called aaliyah up yesterday to talk to her about things, and she asked me if i wanted to come to toronto to sort things out. of course i said yes because i really need to sort things out with you." i say to him, almost begging, and my voice cracking.

"that afternoon you asked me to marry you, when we were in the hamptons, and you were there for me when i needed you the most, it made me actually understand how much i love you, and breaking off that engagement was a smart decision at the time, but something i slightly did regret. in australia when we were talking about marriage again, shawn, i knew you were the one, yet i still fucked it up again and broke your heart. just the fact you were willing to start something with me again, even though what we were doing was sneaky, and dangerous made me feel as though you loved me as much as i love you."

"anya..." shawn trails off, a soft tinge pinched at his cheeks.

"i'm breaking up with dan." i blurt out, feeling my heart race faster. "i have to break up with dan anyway. shawn i adore you, i love you, and i can't be away from you. i hate being away from you, i need to be near you, otherwise i'd probably go crazy. i'm so in love with you, and everything you do. the way you have sugar in your herbal teas, but in normal tea you refuse, how you double knot your shoes just so the laces won't come undone, when you walk around not caring what people think, your incredible talent which i think you underestimate all the time, your love for everyone around you, your absolute care and endearment for your family, how you always have to make sure the other person is okay wit something before you do it, shawn, i could go on forever, but i'm going to cut this short." i say, a tone of absolute emotional exhaustion running through my voice. "i love you, shawn, and i want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"anya-"

"so, will you marry me?" i ask hopefully, my tone completely gentle. he opens his mouth slightly, a shocked expression in his eyes. he lets out an exasperated chuckle, almost as he's chuckling in bewilderment.

"i-i can't." he drops his shoulders, standing up, as i feel my heart shatter into pieces. "that was beautiful, anya, but i-i can't marry you." he says to me, his voice cracking, and a tear rushing down his cheek.

"you love her." i mumble, as he looks down at the floor.

"i can't marry you." he whispers, as my eyes build up with tears, my stomach feeling unsettled. i feel the bile rise up my throat, and i immediately sprint for the bathroom, emptying my breakfast into the toilet bowl, the acidic sting lining my throat. i feel shawn rush behind me, crouching down and holding my hair back as tears rush down my cheeks, and i throw up practically every emotion left inside me.

"i'm so sorry, anya." he whispers, rubbing my back, as i continue to throw up. i cough, the last of my stomachs contents leaving my lips, before sitting up, the tears not stopping from falling down my cheeks. "hey, come on, you need to clean yourself up." he mumbles, placing his hand on my lower back as i stand up. i quickly move away, glaring at him through my tears.

"don't touch me." i mumble.

"anya, please let me clean you up, you need to get some rest-"

"don't!" i yell, making him jump back in shock.

"there's toothbrushes in the drawer under the sink, you can sleep in my room if you want." he murmurs sadly, before leaving me alone in the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. i hear running footsteps, before the door bursts open, and i see aaliyah standing there, a frown on her face. i choke out a sob, more tears flowing freely down my face, as she quickly rushes forward, hugging my broken body, as i cry into her shoulder.

"i'm so sorry," she whispers into my ear, as i continue to sob into her shoulder. "anya please, shh," she whispers, rubbing my back, as i pull away from the hug.

"i'm such an idiot." i cry, a miserly feeling enveloping my body. "i-i'm such an idiot." she hugs me again, as i cry into her neck, my tears staining the top of her t-shirt.

"anya, come on, brush your teeth, and get some rest, okay?" she tells me gently, opening the drawer and handing me a brand new toothbrush and toothpaste. i nod, wiping away my tears and sniffling, before gazing at my appearance in the mirror.

bloodshot eyes, tear marks on my cheeks, a puffy lip, bright red, flushed cheeks, a permanent frown crafted upon my face, puffy eyes, and the pools of tears ready to leave my eyes at any moment.

i quickly brush my teeth, getting rid of the acidic taste, before following aaliyah to shawns bed, as she opens the covers, letting me get under the duvet.

"i-i can't sleep here." i mumble, as i see shawn at the doorway, looking at me, heartbroken.

"sleep in the guest room, come on." he says to me gently, holding out his hand. "i'm so sorry, anya." i take his hand, as he guides me away into the room, my soul helpless and broken, far from being mended. he helps me into the bed, pulling the covers over my body, and sits next to me, gazing at my features.

"i'm sorry." he whispers, running his hand through my hair. "i'm so sorry."

"why does this hurt?" i ask him, my voice cracking. "why does love hurt?" i ask again, helplessly, as a tear leaves my eye.

"i don't know, anya." he mumbles, twirling my hair in his fingers. "i-i didn't know you actually still felt like that."

"well, now you do." i chuckle sarcastically, sniffling. "do me one favour." i whisper, before dozing off.

"what?" he whispers back, as i let another tear fall down my cheek, before shutting my eyes.

"don't break sydney's heart."
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oh look at that miss steinburg is broken