chapter three
feelings
[shawn mendes]
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slowly, i run my fingertips across anya's forehead, brushing away her stray hairs as i hold her waist in my hands, spooning her, as she sleeps, probably exhausted from her mind.

i know what's going on, it was obvious at the show, and the way she's been acting recently. i don't want to say anything because i know she's confused herself. it hurts, but i can't help her from having feelings. why would she even love me truthfully anyway? we fight all the time, there can't be a part of her that truly loves me.

i'm going to lose her.

"why are you so confusingly lovable?" i whisper softly, starring down at her. i slowly bring my lips to her cheek, kissing it softly, before pulling away and snuggling up to her, slowly rubbing my legs with hers, intertwining them. as i rest my head on her shoulder, she begins to move around, slowly turning over so she's facing me, before resting her head onto my chest.

"i know you're awake." i mumble, running my hands over her back gently. she groans lightly, tucking her head further into my chest. "come on darling, wake up."

"shh." she says, holding onto me tighter and tucking her head down, hiding her face from me.

"babe, come on." i laugh gently, pulling her away from my chest carefully.

"but it's cold, and early." she groans, snuggling closer to me and further under her duvet. "what time is it?"

"uhh." i say awkwardly, knowing she's going to be annoyed when i tell her.

"shawn." she warns, poking her head up from my chest. "it better not be 7am."

"yeah, funny story," i laugh nervously, as she turns over, reaching for her phone, before sighing angrily, and putting her phone down.

"i don't like you." she teases playfully, resting her head back onto the pillow, shutting her eyes. "okay, let's get up and head to the ice rink early." she finally decides, turning onto her side and looking at me.

"alright." i whisper back, bringing my hand to cup her cheek, running my thumb over her rosy cheeks. "let's get up." she smiles gently at me, before turning over and standing up from the bed, walking straight into the bathroom. sighing, i stand up too, walking into the bathroom, and immediately brushing my teeth and washing my face.

"i'm gonna shower quickly." anya decides, opening the shower glass door, turning on the steamy waters.

"alright, i'll be waiting." i tell her, leaning down and pecking her lips gently, before walking out of the bathroom, shutting the door behind me, and back into her room.

i quickly change into fresh clothes, deciding to shower when we come back from skating because i'll get sweaty anyway. i strap my watch onto my wrist, placing my rings on my fingers, and spraying some aftershave before anya comes out, dressed in a towel, her hair tied up in a bun.

"damn it." she groans, slumping her shoulders at me. "i was gonna wear all black."

"sorry babe, but we can match?" i laugh, as she wanders into her closet, browsing through her clothes, finally deciding on a grey jumper and a pair of black jeans, along with a pair of small ankle boots. she quickly changes, before brushing out her hair and tying it up into a ponytail, and applying light makeup.

"ready?" i ask her, going into my suitcase and pulling out a winter jacket.

"yeah, let me grab my coat." she goes into her suitcase, pulling out her black jacket, sliding it over her jumper, followed by a grey blanket scarf. "we can get breakfast at the cafe next door to the rink, they do good coffee."

"that's fine with me." i smile at her, as she comes forward, wrapping her arms around my torso, resting her head on my chest. "hey, what is it?" i ask softly, pushing my arms around her.

"nothing, i just appreciate you so much, and i'm incredibly thankful for you." she mumbles into my chest. "i love you." she says, looking up from my chest. i smile softly, a lump forming in my throat, knowing she's probably only saying it to convince herself.

"i love you too, angel." i whisper back, squeezing her gently. "now lets go, i wanna skate." i say, making her laugh, before she pulls away, grabbing her phone and wallet, before heading out of her room, me following her close behind. we rush down the marble steps, before heading straight to the kitchen to tell whoever is up that we're heading out.

"morning mom." anya says, standing next to the kitchen island, watching over her mother who's making tea.

"morning guys, what's got you two already dressed?" she asks, turning around and laughing at us.

"we're going to the ice rink, we'll be back for about 12." anya says, grazing her eyes over the food on the table ready to be prepared for the late lunch we're having, as an early christmas meal.

"that's fine, have fun." she smiles, before anya and i walk away into the main hall of the house, as she grabs her car keys, and house keys, sliding them into her jacket pocket.

"where are you two going?" peter asks, emerging from the marble staircase, matthew in his arms, gurgling away.

"the ice rink." anya answers, going over to see the baby, his face immediately lightening up at her sight. "hey gorgeous." she coos, reaching over to stroke his cheeks, making faces at him to make him laugh.

"you okay?" peter mouths to me, as i sigh, shaking my head slightly. he looks at me confused, before looking at anya, and shrugging at me.

"alright well we're gonna get going, see you later." anya tells peter, before coming next to me again. "don't let your dad go to crazy without me." she says in a baby voice to matt, making the three of us chuckle lightly.

"see you guys in a bit." anya and i leave the house, walking straight to her car, getting inside and not saying a word to each other. i don't know if it's an awkward silence, or a comfortable silence, so i reach for her aux chord, plugging my phone into it and immediately turning the music on.

"who's this?" anya asks, pulling out of the driveway and turning left onto the road. i notice the beat almost immediately.

"billie eilish, she's really good." i answer, as anya turns the music up louder. "we haven't listened to music together for a while."

"yeah, we haven't." she says softly. "i guess we just haven't had the time to sit down together and listen to music."

"i know." i answer, looking out of the window, letting the music blare through the car. "anya-"

"no, shawn, i'm sorry." she cuts me off, almost knowing what i'm about to say. "i don't know why we're both being awkward but i really want to just drop this and get out from this situation."

"anya, i know." i say softly, my voice cracking. "i know how confused you are."

"h-how did you know?" she stutters out, pulling over on the road, and stopping the car.

"i figured it out." i shrug. "anya, i want you to listen to me." i turn to her, taking my hands in hers, as tears begin to freely fall down her cheeks.

"are you annoyed at me?" she whispers, sniffling.

"no, not at all." i mumble. "but listen to me, hunny." she looks up, tears constantly falling from her eyes. "i understand how you're feeling, but i'm not gonna push you into anything, it's your feelings, and you need to choose what you want to do with them." i say gently. "i love you endlessly, anya, but i want you to be true to yourself when you're wandering about your feelings, yeah?" she nods, as i squeeze her hands. "i'm not mad at you, anya, not at all." i sigh, shutting my eyes briefly. "and if you want to try things again with dan, i'll be okay with that."

"i'm so sorry." she cries, pulling her hands away and crying into them. sighing, i get out of the car, walking around the side to anya's side, opening up the door and placing my hand on her back, slowly pulling her towards me.

"hey, shh, please don't cry." i whisper, pulling her to my chest, holding her close to me. "please calm down, come on, let's have our day out." she nods, pulling away and wiping her tears away. "do you want me to drive?"

"please." she says softly, shuffling into the passenger seat, as i quickly get into the drivers seat, shutting the door behind me.

"anya please know that i'm not annoyed at you." i say, driving back onto the road as she guides me to the ice rink. "i'm letting you choose, i don't want you to stay with me knowing that your heart belongs to someone else."

"turn right here." she says, guiding me on a road. "the ice rinks on your left, we can park there and go to the café."

i nod, quickly driving in the direction of the rink, parking in the car park, and getting out of the car, joining anya outside. linking my hand with hers, she pulls me into the small café, the two of us waiting at the till immediately to order. we end up ordering two coffees and two avocado toasts, before sitting down at a table, waiting for our food and drinks.

"shawn, i'm really sorry, you don't deserve any of this." she says softly. i reach over the table, intertwining our hands together, playing with her fingers gently. "i really want us to work through this, i know i'm being stupid."

"you're not being stupid, don't worry." i remind her. "it's okay, anya, you can't stop your heart from what it wants." she nods, looking down at our joint hands. "i'm not mad at you." i remind her once more. "you know i'll always be here for you anyway."

deep down, a small part of me knows we could be ending, but i don't want to believe that.
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three updates in one hour y'all be happy (these were prewritten lmao)