chapter sixty-nine
feelings
[anya rose mendes]
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shawn quickly finishes unpacking the car, rushing straight upstairs, before i hear the slam of a door. i let out a long sigh, putting down my things, and taking off my jacket, deciding to follow shawn up the steps.

"shawn?" i knock quietly on our bedroom door, as i hear shawn crying behind it. "baby, don't cry, come on, open the door."

"it's not locked." i hear him croak, making my heart break. i sigh softly, opening up the door, and seeing him hunched over, his head on his hands, sitting down on the edge of our bed.

"shawn, what's up?" i ask him quietly, sitting down next to him, and placing my hand on his back.

"i-i didn't even know you were in pain." he mumbles, sniffling. "i'm such a shitty husband and father already."

"shawn, stop thinking you're not gonna be a good dad!" i say to him, as he looks up from his hands, tilting his head to the side. i sigh as i see the tears running down his face. "hunny, you're gonna be the best dad out there, and you're already the best husband in the world."

"no i'm not." he mumbles. "i didn't talk to you once when i was in new york, and i didn't even know that you were getting these pains!" he shouts. "i'm gonna miss so many moments of ave's life, and it's all my fault."

"shut up, shawn, just shut up." i say firmly to him. "you were busy and stressed, it's okay. they only started a week ago, don't think you're gonna miss everything or be a shitty dad. do you know who is a shitty dad? mine. he cheated on my mom, and missed so many parts of my life. i know you're never gonna be like that, so stop thinking you're gonna be a shit dad, because you're gonna be the best one out there. i assure you."

"can we go in the pool?" he asks me in a small voice. i nod, knowing we can just use the indoor part of the pool which splits between outside and inside.

"come on, love." i say, holding my hand out as soon as shawn and i are in our bathing wear. he takes it half hazardously, and i sigh, squeezing his hand around mine tighter.

i guide him down to the basement, where we've decided to build part of the pool, and spa area, since shawns salary is a little too extortionate.

shawn sits on the edge of the pool, sipping his feet in, before sliding into the pool and immediately going under, coming up and his curls flat against his head. i follow, sliding into the pool, and moving over to shawn, cupping his cheek gently.

"what's up, shawn? really, what's wrong?" i ask quietly.

"n-nothing." he stutters. "i-i just feel as though nothings going right and i can't ever do things right." i sigh softly, holding onto shawns hand, and placing it over my bump.

"you feel that?" i ask him, as avery kicks wildly at shawns touch. "she loves you, she already knows that you're gonna be the best dad who she could ever wish for." a tear slides down shawns cheek and i sigh quietly at him. "you just need to realise that it's okay to feel these things, and it's just happening because everything is so crazy right now."

"everything really is." he croaks out. "i can't wait till avery's here, maybe she'll reassure me."

"i wouldn't worry about anything, shawn." i say quietly. "everything's gonna be alright."

"you really think so?" he asks me softly, moving his hands to my waist, as i press my bump into his chest, reaching my hands up behind his neck.

"i know so." i mumble, before kissing his lips gently. "you have to realise that too."

"anya, don't ever leave me." he whispers. "you're the only one keeping me sane." i look sadly at him, before leaning up in the water and giving him a hug, holding him close to my body and baby bump.

i think he needed some sort of physical reassurance, and i'm just hoping me holding him in my arms, our child in between us, is something that can give him that comfort which is so hard to explain.

i get my reassurance when shawns cries turn into quiet sniffles, and his arms go slightly limp around me. i pull away from the hug, looking up at him concerned.

"i'm okay." he takes a small breath, nodding. "thanks, anya."

"don't worry about it, i'm always gonna be here for you." i say softly to him. "i have been for the past eight years, i'm not gonna leave."

"how did i actually hurt you?" he asks hopelessly, cupping my own cheek. "how? how could i hurt you?"

"shawn, that was years ago, please forget about it." i shake my head at him, combing back his hair.

"i'm never gonna completely forgive myself." he looks down at the waters, letting out a small sigh. "you know what? i'm just gonna go head up."

"shawn-"

"goodnight anya, i love you." he quickly escapes from the clear water, pulling a towel over his shoulders, and fastening the headband he brought down with him over his head to keep his curls from his face.

"then there were two." i sigh, leaning against the wall of the pool, placing my hand on my bump, feeling avery's movements calm down since shawns not here. "i'm sorry baby," i whisper to my bump, running my fingers over it. "dadas just a little upset right now."

i stay in the pool for a little longer, wasting away the night and giving shawn the privacy he probably craves. this last week must've been crazy for him considering the amount of fans from all the pictures i've seen. maybe he just wants to be alone for a while.

i silently get out of the pool, closing up the area of the house for the night, before heading back up to the main level of the house, locking everything up, and filling up two glasses of water, knowing shawn and i will probably wake up in the morning craving some water. slowly, i make my way up the steps to our room, opening up the door, seeing shawn leaning against the headboard, the tv on, and himself now clothed in a white t-shirt and flannel bottoms, sitting on top of the white sheets, the lights dimmed and a candle on next to him.

"hey." i say softly, placing a glass of water next to him, as his eyes follow me around, a small smile playing on his lips.

"thanks love." he whispers, as i dry my body off, taking off my bikini and pulling on a pair of underwear and one of shawns t-shirts.

"you remember that night in monte carlo?" i ask him quietly, sitting next to him on the bed, starring at the tv which plays a rerun of a very old episode of gossip girl. "that night when we got back to the hotel after that random meal in that small café? after that rendezvous crashing the boat party?"

"that seems like ages ago." he mumbles. "we were only 22."

"you said you felt free that night." i say back to him. "both of us said we felt free." he looks down at his lap. "shawn-"

"i'm sorry." he cuts me off. "i know i'm probably acting so irrationally, and it's not fair for me to be acting that way around you."

"it's alright shawn, don't worry at all." i say to him, moving closer to his side. he places his phone on the table next to him, before wrapping his arm around me, and pulling my body to his side, his hand resting over the side of my bump. "i just want to make sure you're okay."

"i'm okay." he confirms, leaning down and kissing my head.

"and you know you're gonna be a great father?" i cock a smirk as i look up at him. he smiles sadly, nodding.

"i'll be a great father." he repeats, leaning forward and kissing my forehead. "i love you."

"i love you more, hun." i say quietly, tucking my head into his chest.

"that night in monte carlo," shawn starts, running his hand over my shoulder. "i told you something, you remember what it was?"

"you told me no matter what you'd still keep going." i answer, as he nods, kissing my cheek.

"i'm still gonna keep going." he reaffirms, making me smile gently at him. "now, wanna watch this really old episode of gossip girl with me?"

"never knew you watched gossip girl." i tease him, a small snicker leaving my lips. "wanna get your fix of nate archibald?"

"nah, i'm more of a chuck bass kind of guy." he teases back, making me laugh quietly.

"i can't believe i'm competing for my own husbands love." i gasp sarcastically, making shawn chuckle and plant his lips to the side of my forehead.

"even though i am a chuck bass guy, you'll always have my heart."

that night, shawn finally relaxed and showed me a side of him which i thought had disappeared after he turned 23. he was finally high on life again, and it took me almost four years to realise something was up. for what it's worth, i'm glad that it took me a while to find out what was wrong. shawns one of those people who hides their true feelings often, and i think that a reality flash into the insanity of his life made him break out of that unbreakable shell.