chapter sixty-four
feelings
[anya rose mendes]
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"andrew, look, just give us like another hour or two, we'll be at the airport in a bit." shawn groans, getting up from the seat next to the hospital bed i lay in, waiting for the midwife to come back to take my scan. "i can't say where we are yet!"

"shawn just tell him." i chuckle, rolling my eyes.

"andrew i swear to god- what? no!" shawn says suddenly. "no we're not getting a divorce, why the heck are you saying that? yes i know we're going to europe today but- andrew shut up!"

"shawn, pass me the phone, i reach out my hand sighing, as shawn groans, handing his phone to me. "hi gerty."

"why are you two getting delayed?"

"long story short, i'm pregnant and we're having a scan now, so if you don't want your ass kicked by a pregnant woman, i suggest you shut up and wait, okay? thanks andrew, see you in a bit!" i hang up the phone, handing it back to shawn. he looks at me confused, as i shrug. "what?"

"how did you deal with that so quickly?" he asks confused, as i let out a small laugh, rolling my eyes.

"it's called being hormonal, darling." shawn laughs at me, sitting back down in the uncomfortable chair, leaning over and kissing my cheek lightly. "you excited?" i ask him.

"i'm very excited." he nods, grinning at me. "i mean, she's gonna be just a blob, but that's okay."

"don't you mean he's gonna be a blob?" i laugh, flicking the back of shawns head with my fingers. "how are we gonna tell the fans?"

"i have no idea, i'll think of something." he shrugs, before the midwife walks back in, dragging something behind her.

"so sorry about that!" holly exclaims, sitting back in her spinning seat, before lifting up a bottle of gel. "ready to see your baby?" shawn and i both nod eagerly, as shawn grasps onto my hand, kissing the back of it. holly squeezes some of the cold gel over my stomach, making me shiver slightly, before she spreads it around with the ultrasound wand, a blurry image coming up onto the screen.

"here we go," i gasp, as the image suddenly becomes clearer, a blob with four bits sticking out of it showing up on the back and white screen. i feel the tears well up in my eyes as shawn squeezes my hand. "so here we have the two hands," she says, pointing at two parts of the blob. "and there are the legs, and you can faintly see the head forming."

"oh my god," shawn gasps, as i look over at him, tears in his own eyes. "hey baby."

"from this, i can see that you're approximately three months along, congratulations, but how comes you haven't come to the surgery earlier?"

"i only started being sick a week ago, i didn't realise i was that far along." i let out a small chuckle, looking down at my stomach. "i was wondering why i had a smallish bump."

"well, you're about two months and three weeks in, so that's 9 weeks, hopefully next month you can find out the gender, and actually see an actual bump." holly explains, as shawn squeezes my hand again. "do you want to have a go?" she asks shawn, holding the wand out to him. he nods eagerly, taking it and gently rolling the gel around my abdomen, creating a clearer picture. "we can book you in for a 3d scan during your next visit if you want."

"what's that?" shawn and i both ask confused, as he hands holly back the wand, whilst she shuts off the monitor.

"it's basically in colour, and you can literally see your baby's features. a lot of parents go for that option." she explains. "it'll cost a little more but it really is worth it. all the couples we have given that option to have said it's one of he best things they've done during a pregnancy."

"okay." i nod, confirming it. "we'd love that."
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"congratulations!" andrew says, as soon as shawn and i show up at the airport, jake walking with us. shawn smiles, greeting andrew with a hug as he quickly thanks him.

"thanks man, sorry we're late." he says, yawning.

"don't worry about it, and anya, if you need anything on tour, don't worry, we'll get it for you." i nod, smiling.

"thanks andrew, really." shawn clutches onto my hand, as i place my other hand on my stomach.

"we actually got you something." shawn says, pulling out a copy of the picture of the ultrasound from his pocket. "since you're gonna be a close person in avery's life, we want you to have this."

"liam's." i correct shawn, as he rolls his eyes at me. "we don't know the gender, please ignore shawn."

"oh wow." andrew says, taking the picture.

"we have to thank you for everything." shawn says, as andrew smiles at us. "so, thanks i guess."

"who knew you two would get to this stage huh? it was literally yesterday when you two were meeting in that airport in new york." shawn and i both let out a laugh, shawns hand leaving mine and finding itself around my waist.

"we wanna tell the fans next, but we just don't know how to." shawn says. "any chance we could get that album release date pushed beck since we don't want more album stress along with baby stress?" he hints, just so he has a casual way of releasing it on snapchat or some sort of social media platform.

"how's next august for you?" andrew says, catching onto the hint.

"actually next may will be fine, apparently the baby's due in march, we didn't realise that we conceived that early." shawn shrugs. "if you can get it to may that is."

"i'll see what i can do." andrew nods, as shawn smiles again. "come on, we should go and check in, i'm pretty sure everyone else is on the plane already."
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"you two will do great, i assure you." zubin tells shawn and i, as my hand rests over my tiny, barely even there, bump, and shawns hand over mine. "having a kid is hard, but it's honestly the best experience life will ever give you."

"we're excited." i say quietly, smiling tiredly, as i rest my head on shawns shoulder, settling down in the fairly comfortable first class plane seat, talking to zubin who sits opposite us.

"you guys got any name ideas yet?" geoff asks, as shawn and i both look at each other, smiling.

"avery-sierra or liam-noah." shawn says. "it's gonna be avery-sierra though, we're having a girl, i'm sure of it."

"i'm sure we're having a boy though, so it's liam." i shrug, as shawn lets out a laugh, rubbing his hand over my bump. "shawn i'm not kidding, mother's intuition."

"can't a father have an intuition?"

"no, because you're not carrying the baby." i respond back to him, as he lets out another laugh, stretching out his legs. "geoff, how did you cope with a kid?"

"which one? there's ian, he's basically an adult kid, and there's my actual child, jonah, and he's alright." geoff shrugs. "it is a shock to the system, but honestly it's a good shock. and i know how much you two want a child, and the fact you're finally gonna have one will probably make you love the experience more."

"i can't believe ian and laur got together." shawn says. "and they have a child too, how does ian even look after a child?"

"everyone's growing up, wow i feel so old." geoff laughs, sighing.

"i feel like brian's the only one staying young. he's with susie, right? she's what, 22?" i ask, looking up.

"yeah, they still have a little time before anything really does happen." shawn chuckles tiredly. "matt and meg are getting married in december, which means we have another wedding to go to."

"oh my god, did shawn tell you? basically, lucas is planning to propose to aaliyah and he went to shawn after going to manny to ask for his approval, and he said no! it was so funny seeing him apologise and say yes after." i chuckle, as shawn moans in embarrassment. "holy shit, even they're getting old."

"we're all getting old." andrew says, as the first class, just full of shawns immediate crew nods at each other. "just think about it, on the next tour, there might be a child with us."

"nuh uh, anya and the baby are staying at home. i'm not letting my child be examined by the media at an early age. she's gonna be 6 before she sees the world of tour. so i'm gonna start touring again when she's six." shawn explains, as i roll my eyes again.

"you remember when we had this conversation in where was it, at the airport in south america? and we were talking about anya getting maternity leave in like 15 years?" mike laughs. "shawn you literally said the exact same thing seven years ago."

"well clearly shawn couldn't keep it in his pants for fifteen years then." i joke, making everyone laugh and shawn scoff.

"it takes two to make a baby, darling." shawn adds, trailing his fingertips over my clothed stomach. i scoff at him, rolling my eyes, before leaning my head back onto his shoulder. "go to sleep, love, you look exhausted." i nod against his shoulder, shutting my eyes and sighing softly.

within minutes i'm casted into dream land.
-
biting my lower lip, i quickly gaze at shawn from the curtain, who right now is in the middle of one of his q&a's, which he's kept a tradition since the illuminate world tour. i look out at the fans, seeing full families of people who i recognised back when shawn and i were 18 sitting there, all grown up, yet still bonding over music.

"when's the next album coming out?" a woman asks shawn, who i recognise immediately as one who's never failed to miss one of shawns shows in london since we were 18.

"uh yeah, about that." shawn looks at me, and i nod, sending him a reassuring smile. "the albums gonna have to be delayed because i think album stress on top of baby stress is gonna be a little hard to manage." he chuckles nervously, casually dropping that i'm pregnant.

"wait what?" a girl yells, making me laugh. "anya's pregnant?" everyone catches on and almost immediately screams of congratulations and squeals are heard, and shawn tries his best to quiet everyone down again.

"yeah, we're expecting a baby in march next year." shawn beams at his fans. "has anyone got any advice?"

"make sure you bring milk literally everywhere you go, and don't forget to always carry a baby bag with every possible necessity, even toys, or a book." one of them says, as a laugh is heard around the room.

"you're gonna lose a lot of sleep, so remember to sleep whenever you can, nap with the baby if you have to." another one shouts.

"oh gosh, okay." shawn laughs.

"have you got any names yet?" a fan asks shawn, as he looks at me again, and i nod, sending him a smile.

"uh, avery for a girl, or liam for a boy." he chuckles. "i'm pretty sure she's a girl, so avery."

the fans all laugh again, as shawn gets a nod from jake, saying he has to go. i see him frown, and i understand that he enjoys spending time with his fans like this.

"alright guys, i have to go, but i hope you all enjoy the show, and thank you so much for everything!" he gets off of the table, and walks back through the curtain, joining me. "well that was fun."

"i'm so glad we could tell them." i sigh, as shawn clutches onto my hand, leading me to the main arena where he's getting ready for soundcheck. "it's so weird to see them all with families, like they've grown up with you."

"i know, not being on an actual proper tour for like three years is shocking. the amount of kids i met in that meet and greet who literally said that my mum loves you or something like that was actually insane." he chuckles, as we open the door leading to the main backstage area. "like i recognised so many of them, and thought to myself damn, we're not all teenagers or university students anymore. it's such a weird feeling."

"there were so many kids, i just can't get over that." i laugh, as shawn sits down on one of the couches backstage.

"you know what? i'm gonna ask andrew if i can do an encore of understand tonight. i really feel like it will be fitting for what we've just seen."

"i'm sure the fans will appreciate it."
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okay but in like fifteen years just watch, my kids will be so obsessed with shawn and will be begging me to let them come to concerts