chapter sixty-eight
feelings
[anya rose steinburg]
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preface; the week before
"sorry hun, i'll call you back tonight, i have an interview to get to! i love you." the phone hung up, and i was left with an empty line, and more or less an empty heart. i let out a long sigh, realising this is the fourth time he's done this in his trip to new york city.

of course he's going to be back in a week for his show in toronto, but his show in new york is still in three days, and then six more after that for the one in toronto.

"hey ave, i'm sure dadas gonna talk to us soon." i mumble, placing my hands on my bump and rubbing the slightly sore skin, letting out small sighs. right now, all i can do is hope that shawn gets a free moment.
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current; toronto airport.
"is everything okay with the baby?" a fan asks me, a giant smile plastered on her face. i chuckle, nodding, trying to mask the anger i have with shawn.

"everything's fine. honestly, i think i'm having a pretty smooth pregnancy." i answer her, with a small laugh.

"that's good! i remember with my sister, she had the worst pregnancy imaginable. but she always says it's okay because she got given a bundle of joy after it." i smile gently at the girl, as i wait for shawn, along with the few fans at the airport who are eagerly waiting for his arrival.

"shawn seems really excited for the baby." another fan says to me. i smile, nodding again, as i feel avery move about a little inside me.

"he is, you can really see it on his face." i say. "that or he's getting old, i'm pretty sure he's getting wrinkles." the small group of fans laugh at me, as the door for arrivals opens, and shawn steps out, geoff, andrew, jake, zubin, eddy, dave and mike with him, all dragging their own suitcases and instruments, looking exhausted. shawn spots the fans and myself, as he quickly speeds up, putting a smile on his face.

he greets his fans first, taking pictures and chatting with them for a bit, before facing me, his face immediately relaxing.

"hey darling." he coos, walking towards me and embracing my body, as i hold him back, running my fingertips over his shoulders. "how are my two favourite girls?"

"they would be better if you would've actually talked to them." i mutter, thinking shawn wouldn't hear.

"anya..." he sighs, dropping his shoulders, as i let go of our hug, folding my arms over my bump. "i-i had a lot to do, i'm so sorry."

"i spent the whole night up because avery wouldn't stop moving about. i knew she calms down with you talking to her, yet when i texted you, i got an 'i'm busy' and no reply." i spit, getting more and more annoyed as time passes. shawn sighs, grabbing onto my arm and pulling me away from the scene, nodding at geoff to collect his other bags.

"can we talk about this when we get home? stop making a scene." he sighs, as i glare at him, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear.

"we haven't properly spoken to each other since you fucking left for fucking new york." i snap at him. "don't tell me to talk about this when we get home."

"anya." he warns. "don't push it, i'm already tired as it is, i don't need to fight with you right now." he walks away from me, grabbing his things, and saying his goodbyes to the team, before wandering back over to me, and the two of us walking in silence to the car.

we see paparazzi outside, and shawn sighs, grabbing onto my hand with his free hand, and pulling me straight to the car park, where he spots my car, and heads straight towards it, taking my key and unlocking it, putting his bags in the car.

silently, we make our way back to the house, not muttering a word to each other, as shawn takes the fairly long drive back.

it comes in waves; unlocking the door, placing the keys down on the table next to the door, slipping our shoes off, and walking straight into the kitchen, shawn immediately helping himself to a glass of water.

"so we aren't gonna talk about the fact that you basically ignored me for two weeks?" i snap, starting the conversation.

"anya, i have a career that requires me to constantly be busy! sometimes i just won't have the time to talk." he grumbles, sitting down at the island. i raise my eyebrows at him, folding my arms.

"so what are you gonna do when this baby comes along then? are you gonna forget to call us because you're so busy after her first day back from school? or are you gonna not call us when she wants to talk to you?" i say, raising my voice.

"oh don't start talking about that now, you know i'm gonna be taking a break as soon as avery's born." he snaps back, his tone dripping with anger. "anya, drop it."

"no, i'm not gonna fucking drop it! you literally didn't even talk to me when you were away! what could be more important than finding out how i'm doing? how avery's doing?" i shout.

"a lot of things! maybe the fact that i'm actually earning money for us to have the life we live?" he questions, standing up from his seat. "i said drop it, anya." he warns me once again, narrowing his eyes at me.

"why didn't you talk to me? and tell me the truth!" he stays silent for a few moments. "wait, did you cheat on me?" i croak out, my tone immediately changing.

"what? no, i would never." his tone softens completely, as he looks at me sympathetically. "i just was really busy, i didn't have a break at all, heck, even my sleep was scheduled."

"really?" i ask in a small voice, as he nods again, sitting back down on the bar stool, placing his head in his hands.

"i'm just really stressed out right now." he mumbles, rubbing his eyes, and letting out a frustrated sigh.

"baby, why didn't you tell me?" i sigh, walking towards him and placing my hand on his back.

"i-i didn't want to worry you." he stutters. "worrying you would be bad for the baby, and i didn't want to do that."

"shawn," i whisper softly. "i'm your wife, yeah? i'm supposed to be there for you." i coo softly, as he lets out another sigh, wiping his eyes. "oh love, don't cry." i shush him, wrapping my arms around his muscular torso, my bump resting against his side, as i cup his cheek with one of my hands, wiping away his tears. "shh."

"what if i'm not a good dad?" he croaks out. "i-i mean you just said it, what if i-i'm not there to say goodnight, or i-if i miss her first day at school, or if i completely forget about calling her or-"

"stop." i cut him off. "you are gonna be the best dad out there, and do you know why?" he looks at me, shaking his head lightly. "you are the most lovable person out there, and you know how to take care of people. you won't miss any of avery's big steps in life because i know you, and i know that you would kill to be anywhere which concerns your daughter. don't ever think you're not good enough, because you are the best out of everyone."

"god, what would i do without you?" he wraps his arms around me, tucking his head into my neck. "thanks anya, i love you so much."

"i love you more, and i'm sorry for getting annoyed at you." i say, my cheeks flushing as i rub shawns back.

"don't worry about that love, i'm sorry for not talking to you." he apologises, untucking his head from my neck, and smiling down at me. "everything okay with ave?" he asks, placing his large hands on my bump. almost immediately, avery kicks back against his hands, making shawn and i laugh. "i guess everything is okay with her."

"she senses you." i mumble. "she already loves you so much, shawn."

"i really hope she still loves me when i'm away for months on end." he says quietly. "of course, when she's older, i'm gonna have to start touring again."

"she will love you." i remind him. "it's difficult not to love you." he smiles sadly up at me, bringing my body in between his legs.

"i'm so grateful to have you in my life, anya rose." he whispers, leaning down and pecking my lips gently, before pulling away and resting his hands on either side of my protruding bump. "so, so damn grateful." i smile up at him, bringing my hand up to his curls.

"and i'm grateful to have you too."
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"god damn it, why did we buy so much?" shawn groans, as we try to fit the various boxes of baby necessities into the jeep, sighing when a box tumbles out.

"you know what? after we buy all of this once, we're never gonna have to buy anymore again." i chuckle, as shawn finally gets the box containing the car seat into the car, letting out a breath of relief.

"fair." he shrugs. "i'm just glad we've bought everything we could possibly need." he says, as the two of us get into the car. "two more months, babe."

"two more months." i repeat. "god, i can't wait for her to be out of me. every two seconds i need to pee, i can never bend down, and don't forget the- ow." i moan, feeling a sharp pain run through me.

"babe? what's going on?" shawn stops the car in a parking bay, looking at me concerned.

"braxton hicks." i groan, rubbing my tightening stomach, grimacing in pain. "my mom said you can get fake contractions in your pregnancy, and it's basically just the practice ones." i mumble, practicing the breathing my mom told me to do whilst going through them.

"oh, anything i can do to help, darling?" he asks, placing a hand on my thigh.

"just sit here with me." i get out. "it'll be over in a minute."

"alright hun." he squeezes my thigh gently, smiling sadly at me, as the pain surpasses. "everything okay now?" i nod, as he slowly starts the car back up, taking the fairly short drive home. "how long have you been getting them for?"

"only a week or so." i say, holding onto shawns hand which rests on my thigh. he doesn't respond to me, but i see him clench his jaw, and hold onto the steering wheel more tightly.

he doesn't talk to me for the rest of the journey home.
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