chapter sixteen
feelings
[shawn mendes]
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cupping her cheek gently, i lean forward, pressing my lips onto hers, feeling her smile into the kiss, as she links her arms around my waist, kissing me as we overlook the scenery of toronto.

"are you sure no one knows? not even anya?" my girlfriend, sydney whispers, pulling away from the kiss. i look at her confused, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

"sydney, don't worry." i reassure her. "anya thinks i can't find anyone, and everyone else thinks i'm not over her yet."

"i-i don't want anyone to find out, shawn." she bites her lip, anxiously.

"babe, no one will, i assure you." i say softly, understanding that as a seventeen year old, she doesn't want it out that she's dating a nineteen, almost twenty year old legal adult, when she alone is a minor. "do you want me to drop you off home?"

"i'm meeting up with a friend in a bit at a restaurant around here, don't worry." she smiles at me, looking at her phone clock. "actually, i should go, it's getting late." she pouts.

"stay over tonight, come back here after you've eaten." i suggest, placing my hands on her arms.

"don't you have that john mayer concert tomorrow?" she asks me, looking up. "i swear it's in the middle of a field."

"no, that's the day after." i chuckle. "please stay, syd." i urge, as she sighs, a smile toying at her lips after.

"fine," she giggles, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. "i have to go, babe, but i'll see you later."

"bye." i smile, pressing my lips to her forehead.

"i love you." she beams at me, walking away, leaving my condo. i'm not ready to say it back.

granted, i have moved on from anya, i think. her and dan are happy now, and i don't want anya to be out of a situation she's happy in. truth is, sydney to me is more of a rebound until i fully move on. there is a large chance i would still stay with sydney even after i'm passed the rebound stage. anya's happier without me, and i have to understand that. i may not be happier without her, i'm not sure yet, but she's definitely happier without me, and that's all i could ever ask for.

i walk into my kitchen, taking out a few ingredients to cook myself dinner with. after debating over what to eat for a few minutes, i decide on rice and vegetables, beginning to cook the vegetables down and seasoning them with various other ingredients.

a knock is heard at my condo door, and i scrunch my face up in confusion, looking at my watch. it's only 6, would sydney be done by now? i walk over to the door, opening it, revealing a tired looking anya steinburg, with a suitcase. just the sight of her makes my heart flutter, and i know it shouldn't because i am with sydney, but a part of me will always love anya. i am still in love with her, six months later.

"uh, hey?" i question with a light chuckle. "what are you doing here?"

"the hotel messed up my bookings and instead of today for me to check in, they thought it was tomorrow. i have no where to stay, can i stay here? only for a night?" she asks, tiredly, yawning after.

"you look exhausted, come in." i say concerned, forgetting that sydney is supposed to come over, and stay over tonight.

"thank you so much." she yawns, wheeling her suitcase in, as i follow her, shutting the door behind me.

"let me quickly get the guest room ready, you don't mind being here alone for a bit?" i ask, walking past her and to the set of doors revealing the guest room.

"no, it's fine." she softly smiles. "do you want me to do anything?"

"there's some rice cooking, can you just look after that for me?" i tell her, as she nods. "you don't have to if you're tired, you can sleep on the sofa or something."

"hey, you're letting me stay, the least i can do is help you around the place." she sends me a smile, putting her bag down next to her suitcase, before walking to the rice cooking away at the stove.

"i'll take your bags, okay?" i call, picking up her suitcase and handbag.

"thank you!" she yells, as i open up the guest room, placing the bags down, and quickly tidying up the room and making it feel a little more cozy, rather than derelict. i stroll back to the kitchen, seeing anya draining out the rice, placing it back onto the stove.

"oh, thank you." i smile at her, taking the vegetables out of the oven. "luckily i made loads of food, are you hungry?"

"a little." she shrugs, folding her arms.

"come on, we'll eat out on the balcony." i say, handing her a plate, as we both quickly dish up, anya following me out onto the balcony, the warmish night being pleasant.

"wow, shawn." she gazes at the view in astonishment, looking around. "it's beautiful." i chuckle, taking a seat on one of the chairs outside.

"thanks," i chuckle, as she sits down in the chair next to me. "how are you? how's dan?"

"he's great, i actually just got back from la, i took a flight from there." she explains. "and i'm good, thank you. how are you?"

"i'm good! i'm good." i repeat, making her laugh. "how were your finals?"

"they were okay. i'm not gonna say if they went well or not, because i can say they went well and end up failing them." she laughs. "i just really want a first."

"you'll get one." i reassure her. "don't worry about that."

"i'll still be happy with a two-one, but i just really want a first. it was a hard exam though." she sighs, scraping the food about on her plate.

"so you're staying in london to finish your degree now?" i ask her, as she finishes off her meal, nodding.

"i love it there, i mean, i still can't go into selfridges and feel happy, i still feel a little bit anxious, but life goes on." she smiles softly.

"i'm really sorry about that trip, by the way." i frown. "i know that i sent you out of the hotel, and you know, to the uhm, the uh- accident." i stutter out. she looks at me, confused, whilst shaking her head.

"shawn, don't say that." she tells me gently. "we were gonna go shopping that day anyway, it would've happened either way." she smiles sadly at me, standing up and taking my empty plate from me. "now let me wash up because you're doing more than enough letting me stay here."

"anya," i chuckle, standing up and taking the plates from her. "i'm washing up, you go and sleep or something."

"sleep or something? shawn i'm washing up and that's final." she groans, taking the plates from me.

"no, i'm washing up." i correct her, taking the plates back.

"no, i'm washing up." she mimics, taking the plates back from me, and walking away from the seating area, standing very close to the edge of the swimming pool.

"no!" i yell. "i'm washing up." i rush towards her, taking the plates from her grasp. she groans, placing her hands on them, and pulling back, but i hold on tight, making her grumble even more.

"shawn!" she moans. "stop!" she pouts at me, making me laugh, as i take the opportunity to drag the plates away from her grasp, which has now slightly released.

"ahh!" she squeals, falling into the pool. it's only then i realise she was holding onto the plates because she was about to fall in. i gape my mouth open, as she swims up to the surface, a glare on her face. i burst out laughing, as she stands in the pool, her hands folded and her clothes soaking wet.

"oh my god!" i laugh, clutching onto the plates. "i can't believe you fell!"

"shawn!" she playfully complains, linking her hand around my ankle. "the waters really warm, you know?"

"don't you fucking-" she pulls my ankle slightly, making me trip and fall face first into the pool, hearing anya's laughter and the plates smash onto the poolside on the other end of the pool as i hit the water.

"oh my god! i can't believe you fell!" she mimics, laughing, as i emerge from the water, glaring at her. "karma's a bitch."

"so are you." i mumble, making her laugh even harder.

"so first you trip on stage, and now you trip into your pool? wow." she continues to laugh, and i give up, laughing along with her.

"okay, we should get out." i say, guiding her to the ladder, where she slowly climbs out, and i follow her quickly. "there's a shower next to your guest room, i'll quickly get a towel for you, hold on hun- anya." i mess up, a soft blush running at my cheeks.

"okay, thank you." she nods, walking into the guest room, as i rush to my linen cupboard, taking out a fluffy white towel, before walking to the guest room door, knocking on it gently. "you can come in!" she yells, as i open up the door, seeing her crouching at her suitcase, going through her clothes.

"here's your towel." i say, handing the white towel to her. "i'm gonna shower too, i'll be out in about ten minutes."

"i'm gonna go to sleep after my shower, is that okay?" she yawns, picking up the towel and standing up.

"that is perfectly fine. netflix is on the tv if you want to watch it, but if you need anything, don't hesitate to knock on my door, okay? it's the one to the left of the kitchen." i explain.

"alright, thank you so much shawn." she beams, walking out of the guest room to the main bathroom, which guests can use when they stay.

"that's okay!" i call, walking out of the room and into my own bedroom, getting ready for a shower.

after showering and changing quickly, i walk back into the kitchen to make a mug of tea. i then decide to ask anya if she wants anything, but i don't hear the shower running, and the guest room lights are off, so i guess she's fallen asleep. i turn off the main lights to my condo, just leaving the kitchen spotlights on so i don't disturb her sleep, before quietly making my tea. the condo doorbell rings and i scrunch my face up in confusion. who would be here at this time?

walking to the door, i pull my hoodie sleeves down, before opening it up, revealing sydney. fuck.

"hey baby." she yawns, tiredly. "my phone died, so i couldn't tell you, but i'm gonna go home. my mum wants me for something early tomorrow." she tells me.

"oh," i pause. "do you want me to drop you off?" i offer, as she nods, shutting her eyes briefly. "oh babe, come on." i chuckle softly, picking up my keys from the side of the door, and quietly shutting my condo door, locking it. i just hope anya doesn't wake up and get worried.

"thank you so much, shawn." sydney says, climbing into the passenger side of my car.

"no problem." i tell her softly, clutching onto her hand as i begin to take the ten minute drive to her house. "how was dinner?"

"it was good, service wasn't the best, but the food was good." she shrugs, tracing her fingers on the back of our joint hands. "how was yours?"

"it was fun." i chuckle, a soft tinge running at my cheeks. i'm glad it's dark. "no, i mean, it was good."

"who calls dinner alone fun?" sydney laughs tiredly, as i pull up to her house.

"do you want me to come in with you?" i ask sydney, as she shakes her head, grabbing her bag and unbuckling her seatbelt. she leans over, kissing me quickly, before walking out of the car with a quick goodbye, and rushing to her house, unlocking the door.

pulling up to my condo block, i see the lights of my main room on. shit, anya.
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quick lil update because my notifications are empty haha. also, updates now will be relatively slow because i have started school and the workload of this year is definitely a lot more compared to last, and i'm just trying to focus on my academia and getting applications out to higher education. i hope you all understand x